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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friendless and planning a wedding

112 replies

Foxysoxy01 · 08/10/2016 19:08

Sorry this is long.

My DP and I are planning our wedding at the moment and I have some lovely plans. I'm enjoying looking at Pinterest and imagining what I could do.

My main problem is that I am absolutely friendless. This makes me sad sometimes but I mainly suck it up and get on with things.

I can't imagine how utterly embarrassing it is going to be getting married with nobody to invite.

The loss of friends started when I had a bit of a mental health breakdown. I had been distancing myself from people for a while and then started having a massive anxiety disorder which I still suffer from, albeit nowhere near as extreme. I lost some very close family members and just generally closed off. This has obviously left me with no friends, no social life and not a very close family.

I find it very hard to meet new people as I work from home, have animals I deal with after work and then find I have very little time to do much else. The anxiety also makes it really hard to get out new places as I feel I can't go too far from the car or anywhere too busy, even thinking about walking round Tesco is a struggle (I am working through this and under a therapists care)

Getting to My aibu, my DP thinks we should just have a ceremony just me him and parent/s because it would be too difficult to find people to attend the wedding and anyone we could ask would probably think it strange we are asking them, and I believe he is worried about how I will feel with the rejection.

But I really want a wedding and am so worried I will look back and wish I could've had a 'normal' wedding day.

I'm not sure what the answer is and just feel terribly sad about it all. I think I am probably being UN and need to just accept that it will be me and OH in a registry office then back to feed the animals, but I just wish for more really.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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SanityAssassin · 08/10/2016 19:50

My wedding was just me and DP - we did it overseas and didn't invite anyone as we wanted it quiet. It was lovely.

CalleighDoodle · 08/10/2016 19:52

I agree with a po. If a friend i had little contact with currently asked me to their wedding id be delighted.

Blackfellpony · 08/10/2016 19:53

I loved the idea of a 2 person wedding, in fact we didn't want a wedding at all and just did the marriage bit Grin

I know you say you have animals...what type? I'm only asking as I've made so many friends with animals, dog ones and horse ones and I would have never of met any of them without putting myself out there abit and joining in. Maybe you could find something to go along too?

LittleCandle · 08/10/2016 19:53

One of the nicest weddings, with the best atmosphere, that I have ever attended was a friend's. I was the bridesmaid, DB was best man, my DM was there and DD1 (DD2 had not been thought of yet). It was in a church, but there was no music, just us and it was amazing! You don't need lots of people to make it a 'wedding'. You just need the right people.

Goingtobeawesome · 08/10/2016 19:54

When I got married I had one relative, one friend and her plus one, one friend and her husband, my two bosses And that was it. DH had about 35 family members and a couple of friends. If anyone was sneery then fuck 'em. I didn't even have a relative to give me away so I had my boss do it instead and his child was my page boy.

Mouikey · 08/10/2016 19:54

I think others have said this, but a wedding is about the love between you and your dh - sharing this with your nearest and dearest is also awesome but it doesn't mean you have to have a big wedding. Also what you mean by big is different to others ideas.

I had a lovely wedding day but in hindsight it would have been nice to just do something small for the people who really mattered.

Don't feel that you need to conform to ideas of what a wedding 'should' be (or honeymoon). Do what suits you.

Congratulations xxx

HelloSunshines · 08/10/2016 19:56

Just invite who you know and want to be there between your and DP. It doesn't matter if you don't have a gang of mates, nobody will be doing a headcount of who is friends of who and if they do, it's sad for them (they should just be enjoying the wedding).

If it does come up in conversation you could either tell the truth - or a version of - i.e. "I was ill with a serious illness and over time I lost touch with quite a few friends". Or "I was never one for a big gang of friends, I have a couple of old friends but they are abroad/can't make it, I'm catching up with them afterwards. Then - might you actually catch up with them afterwards?! As in contact them, send them a text, explain you'd like to hear their news, have a chat sometime (over the phone?)

Why will it be embarrassing? Who is there to be embarrassed in front of? Is it your DP's family/friends? It doesn't matter. Just be yourself, be happy and as pleasant as you feel able to be (I understand social anxiety means you can close up around people even if you do like them) and they will love you anyway.

TutanKaDashian · 08/10/2016 19:57

I'm having the same problem OP, maybe we should go to each other's weddings?! Grin

MrsLyons · 08/10/2016 20:00

Me and DH had 4 guests at our wedding. No family.

It was complete bliss and the best day of my life.

Do what makes you happy.

YuckYuckEwwww · 08/10/2016 20:00

I'm all for eloping - but it'll only feel right if it's your first choice
it's not the OPs first choice so it would always feel like a consolation prize

OP go for small and amazing! Don't over think what other people will think, most people actually would like a few more friends and will just be delighted to be in your inner circle enough to have been invited to your small wedding - its much more special to be invited to a small wedding than to be 1 in 150!!

Thefishewife · 08/10/2016 20:00

I op I have no family really I invited two sisters that was it

I had 30 people at my wedding it was lovey day don't worry about it it will be magical you don't have to have a big wedding to have a lovey day

I will come if you want you can tell eveyone you have known me for years 😁

Purplepicnic · 08/10/2016 20:04

I've been to about 15 weddings in the last ten years and the best one by a country mile was the one with 20 guests.

ToffeeForEveryone · 08/10/2016 20:06

You can still easily do the "big wedding" stuff with a small number of guests if that is what you want - big dress, fancy tables and flowers etc. There are actually loads of awesome castle / stately home type venues that do just that, rent like 6 rooms out for a small but epic wedding.

Your story is very familiar as I also had basically no one but my immediate family to invite to my wedding for the same reason, DH had 10 or so friends and a bigger family. I found planning the wedding horribly stressful, and I still can't look at our wedding photos for stress flashbacks.

But what I've found is that what a wedding looks like has NO bearing on a marriage. I feel much much happier about my marriage than I did about my wedding!

elodie2000 · 08/10/2016 20:08

Oh you can have an amazing wedding if it's small!! Please please don't dredge up old friendships to fill seats!
Book an amazing, special, small space and an intimate setting. Invite close family and a few friends from DH's side!
An afternoon ceremony and a wonderful evening meal somewhere fantastic, go the whole way with dress, cars, photographers, speeches!
The only bit you'll miss out I s the rubbish evening disco and buffet!!
Setting is the key! Small and beautiful!
You want to know how some people have huge weddings? The invitation list includes the likes of the bride's aunt's, cousin's hairdresser's sister's friend .... That's how!!

Frankley · 08/10/2016 20:08

My wedding -some years back now- was just me and partner, partners beast friend as best man and a couple of workmates dragged along at the last minute for witnesses. I have never regretted doing it that way and have had a happy marriage. You have the most important people there and that is what matters. The 'trimmings' are not important. It is what happens afterwards in life that will make you happy. Have a lovely day.

9troubledwaters · 08/10/2016 20:09

I don't think you'd look back with sadness - more relief!
I have anxiety and just had family at my wedding. There were 5 guests, i lived it, i would've been terrify to be the centre of 100s of peoples attention.
Embrace who you are and enjoy what will be a very special day Flowers

YuckYuckEwwww · 08/10/2016 20:09

one of the most expensive venues locally to me has a smaller room which they also hire for events, it's also MUCH nicer than the big room that's used for bigger weddings and it's affordable while the bigger room is out of most people's wedding budget (Because the food there is so AMAZING, as is the location and the facilities)

so you can get all the frills of the highest end "Big" wedding going in the area on a budget if you have 20 or less guests, and they're not rattling around making the room look empty because the smaller event room is very intimate

TrillKitten · 08/10/2016 20:13

Invite who you want to be there, if that - for you - happens not to be anyone, or very few people that's fine! Better to have a small wedding in that case than a big one full of 'filler people' who don't mean anything to you but are just there as kind of 'extras' to bulk out the day, surely?

WeArePregnant11 · 08/10/2016 20:13

Small weddings are lovely. Or what about a destination wedding? These are pretty much always small:)!

And congrats!! Flowers

hollieberrie · 08/10/2016 20:16

Ah OP, big hugs. I have no family and only a few friends. If i ever get married this will be me. Just have a lovely small wedding with people who are important to you. Congratulations.

fudgesmummy · 08/10/2016 20:18

FoxySoxy01 invite me, I'll come! I love weddings! I am (cough) rather over weight and practically a crowd on my own....... Grin

KERALA1 · 08/10/2016 20:18

The largest wedding I went to the marriage didn't last a year.

Congratulations please don't let lack of guests mar your day. Personally would go somewhere gorgeous.

kimnews · 08/10/2016 20:22

DH and I got married in Vegas with 7 guests (close family). It was amazing and I wouldn't change a thing. I still got all the weddingy things I wanted like a dress and bouquet, and it was intimate cost far less than a wedding in the UK!

CrotchetQuaverMinim · 08/10/2016 20:27

I don't know that finding people to come and 'fill the seats' will really give you the 'normal' wedding day that you're craving either, will it? It might superficially look like it, and give you photos to look at later, but it might be that you'd still be thinking during it "this isn't like other people's weddings; if they were my long-term friends, there'd be in-jokes, best-man speeches, people crying, bridesmaids, hen nights, reunions between old mates, etc.", whatever you think normally happens at weddings full of old friends (which is probably a total misconception anyway!). But it's still what you might end up imagining. And however much you want to recreate that, if it's not really there, you might feel the absence of that so much more. I know what it's like to be so lonely sometimes, and to want friends and relationships and 'normal life'. But for me, it has to be real, and just putting myself in the situation where it looks like that is happening and I have people around isn't enough, because I know it's not real, I know the underlying stuff isn't there, so in the end I crave it more - but at the same time, I don't want it either because of all the stress. What I want is to be the sort of person who wants and enjoys a busy social life and lots of friends. And as that isn't really going to happen, it's actually better for me in that type of situation to recognise that, remove the possibility for trying to aspire to something that will never work, and to do something totally different. I'm never going to get married as I doubt I'll ever have a real relationship, but if I did, I half want a big normal wedding, with family and friends and the whole deal, but I also know I'd hate it. What I want is to be the sort of person who would like all that. And until I get over that, there's no point trying to force myself to fit something I'm not. Better to just scrap it entirely and do something that has meaning in a different way - like something that matters to the two of you, with your parents, or whoever else does currently matter to either of you.

Lovelyideas · 08/10/2016 20:30

There have been other lovely threads from folk with no friends. I've had periods without friends. At the time, I would have loved being able to talk with others in the same position.
I bet you are making people feel better just by starting the thread.

It's all about acceptance I suppose.xx