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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friendless and planning a wedding

112 replies

Foxysoxy01 · 08/10/2016 19:08

Sorry this is long.

My DP and I are planning our wedding at the moment and I have some lovely plans. I'm enjoying looking at Pinterest and imagining what I could do.

My main problem is that I am absolutely friendless. This makes me sad sometimes but I mainly suck it up and get on with things.

I can't imagine how utterly embarrassing it is going to be getting married with nobody to invite.

The loss of friends started when I had a bit of a mental health breakdown. I had been distancing myself from people for a while and then started having a massive anxiety disorder which I still suffer from, albeit nowhere near as extreme. I lost some very close family members and just generally closed off. This has obviously left me with no friends, no social life and not a very close family.

I find it very hard to meet new people as I work from home, have animals I deal with after work and then find I have very little time to do much else. The anxiety also makes it really hard to get out new places as I feel I can't go too far from the car or anywhere too busy, even thinking about walking round Tesco is a struggle (I am working through this and under a therapists care)

Getting to My aibu, my DP thinks we should just have a ceremony just me him and parent/s because it would be too difficult to find people to attend the wedding and anyone we could ask would probably think it strange we are asking them, and I believe he is worried about how I will feel with the rejection.

But I really want a wedding and am so worried I will look back and wish I could've had a 'normal' wedding day.

I'm not sure what the answer is and just feel terribly sad about it all. I think I am probably being UN and need to just accept that it will be me and OH in a registry office then back to feed the animals, but I just wish for more really.

OP posts:

Thread gallery

deathandtaxes123 · 08/10/2016 20:31

OP I have friends I've had since primary school and chose not to invite ANYONE to my wedding other than my close family due to complete anxiety. There were 12 of us and that was more than enough. Do not worry about a small wedding. Do it. I urge you. Save you a fortune too!

If you're happy with the friend situation, out with your concerns about the wedding, then don't force yourself to go to things that will trigger anxiety. Do what you enjoy and if friends come of it then great, if they don't then don't sweat it.

NorfolkEnchance · 08/10/2016 20:34

We went abroad and had 22 people at our wedding. It was absolutely perfect and yours will be too, whatever you decide.

Lovelyideas · 08/10/2016 20:36

Great post crotchet

hollieberrie · 08/10/2016 20:42

Yes Crochet, really great post. Makes a lot of sense.

redexpat · 08/10/2016 20:45

Thing is, these things go up and down a bit during our lives. If you dont have any close friends to invite to your wedding, well thats just how your life is now. When you have a party for your silver wedding anniversary then you will be in a better place and will have some good solid friends you can invite. And as everyone else says small weddings are lovely.

jamdonut · 08/10/2016 20:56

23 guests at my wedding...that's my parents and step parents, DH's parents
Both my sets of grandparents and DH's Grandmother, my sister, DH's brother and sister and their spouses and their kids, and my Auntie and Uncle( my Godparents) and cousin.

Neither of us have any close 'friends'. We have people we are friendly with from our workplaces, and sometimes go out with, but not people we spend tie with.

I think you could have a special wedding with few people. Why not spend the money you would have spent on a big wedding on a fabulous honeymoon instead?

ZazieCats · 08/10/2016 20:58

I was in a similar situation (no living relatives, just a few friends), we had a small wedding, followed by a larger party after honeymoon for DH's extended family.

If I was doing it again, I would do it even smaller, not bother with trying to normalise it.

DonttouchthatLarry · 08/10/2016 21:17

Our wedding was just us and 2 friends as witnesses. We had a wonderful day and I don't regret not having a bigger wedding and inviting people just for the sake of it. It was absolutely just about us and what we wanted (and our dogs came too!) - no arguments, no family politics, no trying to please anyone else. I'd thoroughly recommend it

Lovelyideas · 08/10/2016 21:18

I was wondering about the OP's animals getting involved...

Original poster

Foxysoxy01 · 08/10/2016 21:21

Thank you all so much for your replies!!! You probably don't all realise how much they have helped me, but they really have.

Some really good ideas too!

Just to answer a couple of questions. DP was never the sort to have loads of friends and sort of drifted away from the friends he had mainly due to having to support me and my anxiety. I was really quite high maintenance and other than his job and the animals he basically had to care for me which left him little time for anyone else I feel pretty awful about it but I'm trying to push on and sort myself out, he seems quite happy with his lot but hopes we can get a bit more of a social life in the future (as do I )

I haven't spoken to any of my old friends (bar one) for so long it would be too wired to get in touch with them anyway and I wouldn't really want them there.

My DP family are a bit difficult and would probably say something about us not having friends there (they have been known to do this) The problem is we would have to invite them as it would be really awful aftermath if we didn't and my mental health just couldn't cope with the awfulness. ( I don't do well with thinking people are bitching about me or dislike me, it plays on my mind and affects my confidence )

I would love to get married in a very small church were my family members are buried then a nice smallish venue after with some rented fairground stalls I have seen and some music maybe a buffet but no speeches, just very relaxed. I'm not sure if this would be silly with so few numbers though.

It may have to be that we have a registry office then a holiday after which would be lovely but just not what I would really, really love.

OP posts:

Lovelyideas · 08/10/2016 21:26

Small church works well for few guests! Better than registry office I think!
That is totally doable and also there is a right and tradition for anyone to come in to the church. Ihave gone "just to the church" for folk I do not know well. It's a lovely thing to do.

Lovelyideas · 08/10/2016 21:28

Sorry getting excited now. Why not confide in the vicar of the small church? I bet he/she has lonely parishioners who would love to come see the bride...

Original poster

Foxysoxy01 · 08/10/2016 21:32

That's a really good idea actually! It would probably end up easier to fill the church than the venue after
it's a small village church and I know there are quite a few elderly parishioners there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Foxysoxy01 · 08/10/2016 21:36

Sorry missed the animal question,

They are Horses, dogs, sheep, a couple of goats and some chickens.

Not sure I could drag them along to the church but the sheep would do a good job of grazing the churchyard down for them, I could get a reduced fee!

OP posts:

Lovelyideas · 08/10/2016 21:38

So glad you like it!

The tradition of the church wedding is not at all dependent on the modern culture of "having" "hundreds of friends".

It is a totally dignified non-pretending thing to do. I hope the vicar is cool.

KickAssAngel · 08/10/2016 21:42

I think the small church associated with your family sounds lovely.

Of course, in the good old days, people just got married with close family there, then drove away and the family had a meal together without them. Job done.

Any chance you're a huge Jane Austen fan? You could have a regency style wedding, wear that kind of dress, then disappear off with DH and you wouldn't never hear any other comments.

I think the fairgrounds thing would only work if you had a HUGE wedding - the kind with hundreds of people there, which just doesn't sound like you at all. Could you maybe find somewhere that has a fair going on anyway, and go there for the evening as part of the wedding day/your honeymoon? You could have an afternoon wedding, small meal, then go to a fair and each guest have some money for some rides.

Or - you could go to Disney, invite only the very closest family, but say others welcome if they pay for themselves.

There are loads of different ways to get married, and ideally a wedding should reflect the couple. Would you want to have the animals as part of your wedding? Get married at a barn? Ignore what TV and magazines think a wedding should be (they're all about making money anyway) and think about who you and your DP are, then go for that. It will feel much more right for you than anything else.

Lovelyideas · 08/10/2016 21:45

Lol animals.

This is the first time I have ever been interested in someone else's wedding. please let us know how you get on but definitely go for church.you could even do church then straight into car off on wedding journey and skip the reception. It could be like a wedding in a novel.

Rein me in someone ....

Lovelyideas · 08/10/2016 21:46

Omg totally cross post kick ass.

I want to be the priest, it is going to be beautiful xx

user1471544305 · 08/10/2016 21:50

In your case I'd go abroad and invite immediate family only

StillSmallVoice · 08/10/2016 21:51

I was in a similar situation, and five years ago had a very special wedding in a church. There were ten of us, all family and we had a relaxed and lovely pub lunch afterwards.

I hope you have a lovely day, and are as happy as my DH and I have been.

Original poster

Foxysoxy01 · 08/10/2016 21:55

I am a massive Austen fan! Not sure my DP would be quite so keen to wear breeches though

I'm just going to brave it and do what is important for DP and I, it's our day after all and I can read back this thread whenever I have a bit of a confidence wobble so thank you all!

If anyone is interested I will update

OP posts:

Cookies77 · 08/10/2016 21:55

OP I just wanted to let you know that you're certainly not alone in feeling like this. As much as I would love to marry my DP, the no friends thing makes it soo difficult. I'd only have my immediate family to invite as guests but DP has a very large family and lots of friends so it would be horribly obvious. Would love a small wedding but can't see that going down well with his family unfortunately. Good luck whatever you decide to do :)

Farmmummy · 08/10/2016 21:56

Just wondering whereabouts you are Op? Your local church sounds lovely but DH and I chose Gretna Green (we are from NI so not Scottish) but it was amazing, the blacksmiths cottage is tiny just takes up to 10 guests (they have other rooms larger for bigger parties but DH had lost both his mum and dad a few years previously and I'm not exactly outgoing so don't have many I would invite apart from my parents and one close friend) The vows and ceremony were lovely and the whole thing really intimate

Lovelyideas · 08/10/2016 21:59

You MUST update, this thread has made me really happy.
Much cooler to be where family lie than have the whole "bridesmaids" thing

:) :) :)

blueturtle6 · 08/10/2016 22:06

Speak to vicar and ask if can get married after the Sunday service, some people would love to stay on.
What time of year are you thinking? Maybe have a fairground themed buffet and invite parishioners along.

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