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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL shouldn't have spoken to my daughter like she did

120 replies

Welshpoolmummy · 08/10/2016 18:50

My MIL is either lovely or a complete cow.
Big detached house in the priciest suburbs in my city, grew up with staff, children boarding school, worked until 40 part time.

Me on the other hand, daughter of a labourer. Done well for myself through education. I know she looks down on my side.

On results day, my daughter got a freak result in one subject and As in everything else she wantes to study further at AS.

She phoned her granny from Italy as promised to share news. Granny said she shouldve worked harder, shouldnt have wasted time going to lectures at Oxford. Shouldnt waste time in bed or playing on the computer. Shouldnt have spent her own earned cash on visiting universities. Time to pull her finger out. My daughter told her to f off as she was upset already.

Then when home, lectures on how well her friends grandkids had done as they go to the boarding schools her father and aunt went to.

Granny told her that she might not get into Oxford or a top 10 university but her results werent that bad. Angry
When your uncle was at oxford.....

We've decided not to tell granny where she's applied to university. (In fact she's already had an offer from a top 10 Wink)

AIBU?

OP posts:
ViolettaValery · 08/10/2016 20:47

Sounds to me like it's high time someone told granny to fuck off. It's a shame it's your DD as you can't in all conscience condone it as a parent, but maybe MIL will think twice before she puts her down again, it could be the making of their relationship far from ending it! Amazed at the posters here going all catsbummouth about that and totally missing the rest of the post.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/10/2016 20:52

Well they both sound horrible to me. I certainly wouldn't be patting my daughter on the back if she had an outburst like that and nor would I let my mother deride my daughter's achievements like that either.

I'm not sure what you're expecting from this thread but you sound very passive and not inclined to do anything other than be a bystander.

Lovewineandchocs · 08/10/2016 21:03

So your DD told Granny to fuck off on the phone, then when Granny came home from Italy she went on about other relatives doing well at boarding school yada yada and said your DD may not get into a top 10 uni but her results weren't that bad?! Firstly, we'll done your DD, she got A grades in everything except one thing? That's fantastic! Grin secondly, Granny doesn't seem too worried about being told to fuck off, perhaps she is used to it? Grin so your AIBU is AIBU not to tell Granny which uni DD has applied to and about the top 10 uni offer? I think YANBU-tell her nothing until the results are out and she's sure where she's going.

Nataleejah · 08/10/2016 21:05

Oxbridge is overrated. Plenty of good universities out there

Cathaka15 · 08/10/2016 21:11

Your dd told her gran to fuck off?
That's way worse then what gran said imp.

Cheby · 08/10/2016 22:03

I think your DD was right to tell her to fuck off. My grandmother has spent her entire life being unbelievably rude to others. Almost every single interaction with her includes some sort of mean back handed compliment or thinly veiled criticism (not just me, she's like this with everyone).

I wish someone had called her out on it 40 years ago. She might not still be doing it.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 08/10/2016 22:09

sorry but you're being ridiculous. End of a relationship? Nobody can be that precious!

You can't be that naive, surely?

My father cut me off when I put the phone down on him at the age of 15. No contact whatsoever for 4 years and didn't see him for 11. And I certainly didn't tell him to fuck off. I didn't actually say a word. I simply replaced the handset when he was ranting about fuck all and poof! the relationship went up in smoke.

People can and are that petty. I could easily see your daughter's reaction to her gran as being a deal breaker, particulary if the woman is unreasonable to begin with.

I'd be pretty shocked at a teenager telling a grandparent to eff off, even if I were totally lacking in sympathy for granny.

Trojanhorsebox · 08/10/2016 22:14

I can see both sides, no-one really comes out of it looking good.

My grandmother was horrid to me. She very much believed men get educated, get given the most meat and best cuts, women run around after them etc etc. She belittled my every educational achievement and went overboard praising my (lovely but not so academic) brother, made me do chores and not him. Every comment was a criticism - my hair, my clothes etc. She would needle away until I eventually blew up - and then have a go at my mum about how badly brought up I was, and I didn't use such earthy language as your daughter.....so I can see where your daughter is coming from in her frustration. Looking back I wish I had not answered back and been more mature and restrained, but teenagers aren't are they. The adults don't have an excuse though.

HelloSunshines · 08/10/2016 22:21

If she's just applied to uni, how has she already got an offer from a top 10 uni, and why would Granny think your DD has wasted time going to lectures at Oxford if Granny thinks Oxford is the place to be? Confused

Also what are AS as in "everything else she wants to study further at AS"?

Wdigin2this · 08/10/2016 22:29

That's not being a granny, that's being a cow!

EllenDegenerate · 08/10/2016 22:30

Sometimes people, even really old people whom you are related to, really need to fuck off.

Sometimes you simply need to tell them so.

I really wish your DD had said 'Oh Granny, do fuck off' and then replaced the handset. Grin

FleurThomas · 08/10/2016 22:36

At 17 a child should have the self-control not to lose her cool like that in an argument, and you should not support it just because you disagree with what her gran said. How on earth will she handle uni if she can't manage her anger.

Regarding the rest...it was up to you and your dh to intervene & limit contact and information because you know what your mil is like.

Huppopapa · 08/10/2016 22:40

If your MIL is as posh as she purports to be she won't turn a hair at being told to fuck off and is more likely to admire your DD's spirit. As I do. It sounds entirely fair comment to me and I cannot think highly enough of a young woman who refuses to be cowed when she is under attack. Well done she! It seems to me you have little to worry about on her part! Smile

Sellingyesterdaysnews · 08/10/2016 22:42

Well I think it's pretty disrespectful . They both sound unreasonable and opinionated and neither come out of it well.. And you seem quite pleased your dd reacted in this way.
I'm not sure what the point of the thread is.. Your dd did badly in one of her exams, and over invested gran made no bones about it . Your dd told her to F off which you condone.
There's not a lot you can change about what's happened. Does she need gran's approval? Do you? I would loosen the connection between gran and dd a bit and let dd set her own ambitions and goals.

a7mints · 08/10/2016 22:46

Sowhat results did she get and what was the freak result?
I think the reason your DD got pissed is that granny told her somehome truths and young madam didn't like it.! But your DD needs to learn how to take criticismor she will never get anywhere in life.!
It is no wonder your MIL looks down on you when quite frankly you have brought up a rude disrespectful potty mouthed brat!
I would be mortified if my children told their GP to F* off

EllenDegenerate · 08/10/2016 22:52

Ooooohhhhh a7 you're just so achingly provincial aren't you?

Quite a treat really Wink
Carry on.

accidentalbride · 08/10/2016 22:59

Wow. Regardless of how your MIL behaved, it would bother me massively if my teenager told someone elder to F off. We all receive fair and unfair criticism in life, we all get annoyed about things that are said to us, but being to say F off to someone elder at this age... WOW... I would be seriously worried about your daughter OP. And, by the way, I don't think your MIL was right to say what she said but the fact your daughter's response to it doesn't trouble you... is very worrying. Who are you raising? I would focus on this - perhaps something you can change, instead of MIL - something you really won't change

CorkieD · 08/10/2016 23:01

Neither grandmother or granddaughter are coming out of this story smelling of roses.

I'm very impressed your DD already has an offer from a top 10 uni.

Longdistance · 08/10/2016 23:02

Granny deserved to be told to fuck off, regardless of who she is.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/10/2016 23:04

I can see both sides, no-one really comes out of it looking good.

I agree.

Your MIL was rude and wrong but so was your DD.

accidentalbride · 08/10/2016 23:04

Ellen how exactly is A7 provincial...? I was born and raised in London and then lived in NY, Singapore and Paris. I entirely share her point of view. Hell, I'm provincial too!!

GreatFuckability · 08/10/2016 23:21

your DD got an unconditional offer from a top 10 uni, the DAY after she submitted her UCAS? despite not having completed her A2 exams yet???

Your MIL sounds deeply unpleasant and I'd not be letting someone speak to my child like that. Destroying someones self-esteem is an awful thing to do. Even if she DID not do great because she was on facebook when she should have been studying (which clearly isn't the case if she got A's in the other subjects) being so awful to her is unnecessary.

HelloSunshines · 08/10/2016 23:26

accidental It says more about Ellen that she refers to A7 as provincial, reminiscent of a child trying to impress the cool kids by put-downs in the vein of "you're not one of us". Whatever floats your boat, Ellen Hmm

Original poster
Welshpoolmummy · 08/10/2016 23:27

Absolutely.

I've experience with lots and lots of the "establishment", God knows how many Lords, some of the most senior people in the country for my sector.

One thing that struck me and came up in conversation at an event was use of swear words.

Lord sonso was mumbling after a few drinks how he's amused at some working class people (like myself!) disdain to bad language. He felt that it shows someones roots straight away. Trying too hard to be proper he said.

One thing that all these people who I work with have in common, is that they swear like troopers.

OP posts:
HelloSunshines · 08/10/2016 23:27

Great Great minds think alike (see my post upthread) Wink