To think MIL shouldn't have spoken to my daughter like she did

[Welshpoolmummy]

My MIL is either lovely or a complete cow.
Big detached house in the priciest suburbs in my city, grew up with staff, children boarding school, worked until 40 part time.

Me on the other hand, daughter of a labourer. Done well for myself through education. I know she looks down on my side.

On results day, my daughter got a freak result in one subject and As in everything else she wantes to study further at AS.

She phoned her granny from Italy as promised to share news. Granny said she shouldve worked harder, shouldnt have wasted time going to lectures at Oxford. Shouldnt waste time in bed or playing on the computer. Shouldnt have spent her own earned cash on visiting universities. Time to pull her finger out. My daughter told her to f off as she was upset already.

Then when home, lectures on how well her friends grandkids had done as they go to the boarding schools her father and aunt went to.

Granny told her that she might not get into Oxford or a top 10 university but her results werent that bad.
When your uncle was at oxford.....

We've decided not to tell granny where she's applied to university. (In fact she's already had an offer from a top 10 )

AIBU?

[ThenLaterWhenItGotDark]

By heck welshpool, you've a lot of threads about your dd's university future.

Just sayin'

Your MIL was harsh. Your daughter was rude. And your OP seems very chip on shoulder at MIL's upbringing.

Any news on the almost-best-friend saga?

[ChaosTrulyReigns]

Magic I assumed her "wantes to study" was WANTED to study. Which fits better with the timings.

Iyswim?

Which Welshpool has confirmed.

[Welshpoolmummy]

Magic.

Hi, she has completed AS levels. Studying A2.
Not all universities interview, it varies by course.
It is perfectly possible for anoffer to be made after the UCAS was recieved by the university as many used a "gathered field", where they make decisions once they have a certain number of applicants. Batches as it were.

[MagicChanges]

But chaos the OP said DD got As in everthing else she WANTS to study at AS level...............meaning that she hasn't yet started her AS level - she must have gone into Yr 12 in September and is now 1 month into her AS level course. You are of the view that the OP meant to say she has completed Yr 12 and her AS course and on the strength of A level predictions (and her GCSE results) she has received an offer from a top unit .................yes there is always room for typos that confuse, but I can't believe that someone would confuse some starting a course and completing a course. Doesn't make any sense. And top unis always interview and the certainly don't send out offers the day after receiving the UCAS forms. And it's now 4 on Sunday afternoon so assume the OP is not sleeping. Any chance you can confirm what you mean?

[SandyY2K]

I agree with everything except your DD telling her gran to fu off. Her gran was very unpleasant and horrible to be blunt. Your DD should have just put the phone down on her.

Silly old woman she is.

[ZebraOwl]

GreatFuckability, sorry, I misunderstood your uni bit (& the bit about grandmother wasn't to you, apologies for not making that clear enough) - interviews are the exception not the norm. Oxbridge interviews & then there are interviews for certain courses wherever you want to go - things like medicine, nursing & teaching for example.

[lljkk]

Hilarious she told her nan to FO.
Just because it was so insensitive in the moment how the nan spoke.

On other hand, I'm not sure it was a set of entirely outrageous things to say. It makes me think of stereotype Chinese parenting: you push them hard because you're telling them they can do better.

References to schools she didn't go to are more outrageous, choice of school was hardly the girl's decision.

I can't understand the Oxbridge obsession. People in my universe don't go there, anyway.

[GreatFuckability]

Zebra I was under the impression that most universities did interviews and I'd assumed that top uni's would do this (this is not a problem for me in my lowly ex-poly ), that was why I asked. I completely agree that grandma is a cow who needs to wind her neck in. I did say that upthread.

[Topseyt]

I think it sounds like granny got what she richly deserved and had coming to her.

[ZebraOwl]

GreatFuckability

I'd got all my offers but one by the time UCAS applications closed in the January. I was the last year where the universities you applied to could see where else you'd applied & if you'd been accepted or rejected so as soon as Cambridge accepted me Bristol rejected me. We'd been told (my school's "support" for people wanting to go to uni full stop was abysmal, for Oxbridge it was so bad as to be damaging...) we were the first year where they wouldn't be able to see this information or I'd not have bothered applying!

I have a deep & abiding affection for York Uni because they offered me a place within a couple of days of submitting. I felt really guilty for not putting them as my insurance choice after that...

Ooh look, there is the actual point of the thread all the way over there...

Am assuming OP had a moment of daft & wrote AS instead of A2. Rather than claiming her DD's done her UCAS application at the start of Y12.

Grandmother didn't exactly cover herself with glory with her comments. Did she offer to pay for your DD to attend these amazing schools & are the comments thus more aimed at [blaming] you [for "depriving" her]? What sort of school does your daughter go to?

If she wants to go to Oxford, I'm afraid her grandmother is right & A's may not cut it, depending on the subject - you need at least one A to do a science subject; & 3 to read Maths, Maths & Philosophy, or Maths & Statistics. (Was a bit shocked it's not required to read arts subjects TBH as Cambridge's standard offer changed from AAB to AAA when the grade was introduced & has now gone up to A A A in most subjects & A A A in some of the Sciences...). Again, depending on the subject she wishes to read, there may be other universities that wouldn't accept her without at least one A. Clearly your MIL had no business saying what she did but it may be that she is genuinely concerned & trying, HUGELY misguidedly, to give your daughter a "wake-up call" because she's honestly convinced her future hangs in the balance here.

If you look at what she said, it wasn't that she was too stupid to go there, it was all the "work harder, buck your ideas up" stuff of someone who thinks they know what's gone wrong & how to fix it. (The bit about wasting money on uni open days being a way of rubbing in her "you need to change what you're doing or you'll not get anywhere" line.)

Again, it wasn't her place to say it & what she said was hurtful. However, I don't think it was in the least bit acceptable for her to tell her grandmother to fuck off. What was said wasn't nice, but nor was it a torrent of abuse. Your DD could have disengaged by just hanging up. Also rude, but if she'd said "bye now granny", barely rude at all. And TBH it doesn't matter your MIL was rude first & that MIL is older etc - when she was wee you didn't teach your DD it was ok to bite back when the chompy child at toddler group sank their teeth in: this wasn't a time to be biting back (albeit less literally) either...

Your DD telling your MIL to fuck off will just have given MIL something else to think she needs to worry about (i.e. your DD's attitude).

Given you think your MIL can be "a complete cow" & that she's a bee in her bonnet about where/how your DD is educated, it probably wasn't the wisest move to have your DD tell her her results herself...

Anyway, as to whether you're being unreasonable OP, I think that yes, YABU - & I don't really understand what you're hoping to achieve, either. Have you banned your DH from talking to your MIL about UCAS? What does your DD think about this? Surely being able to tell her that your DD got an offer straight away would have been a good way to show her that she's doing fine despite not being at boarding school? It seems a terribly petty way to drag it all out & potentially create a massive family row completely unnecessarily.

[ChaosTrulyReigns]

I'll corroborate.

Several Year 13 students that I know have had offers in the last couple of days after their UCAS forms went in last week.

I think that this:

On results day, my daughter got a freak result in one subject and As in everything else she wantes to study further at AS

Is throwing people of track, OP is referring to GCSE results in that, then her DD studied AS levels, results a couple of months ago, and from them and predictions for A2 is why the offers are now arriving.

[FatimaLovesBread]

Magic Maybe op has gone quiet on that point because it is 2am in the morning and she's possibly asleep. She has also said the UCAS is submitted after AS levels.
So I'm guessing but I don't think it's an unreasonable assumption, that where she mentions the subjects she is continuing as AS in the OP, is probably a typo.

[GreatFuckability]

OK, so it wasn't an unconditional offer. so a conditional offer was made after she submitted her form when UCAS entry opened in september. I do understand the process which is why i'm confused. I applied in september 2014, and I already had the grades etc I needed for my course. I also only applied to a university that doesn't do interviews, but I still didn't get an offer until january of 2015, because UCAS applications don't close til then.
I'm confused because i'm surprised the top 10 unis are giving out offers without an interview. this is fairly uncommon.
also, if it does happen to be a uni that doesn't interview then they'd need to wait until they have all the applications in before giving out offers.

so thats why i don't really understand. unless what she has is an offer of an interview. which would make more sense.

[MagicChanges]

I'm nothing if not persistent.......OP you do not complete an UCAS form immediately after you have GCSE grades and before you've started your AS/A level course you just don't - your DD must now be approx 1 month into her as level course - yes? So you're saying her tutors have predicted her AS level grades 1 month in and those have been submitted along with GCSE results. No sorry that's not how it works.

I absolutely understand that UCAS forms can be submitted with predicted grades (at the end of AS levels or after first year A level course) and a conditional offer made, though some students get unconditional offers, and if conditional then it all depends on the A level results.

You seem to have gone quiet on this point OP.

[Oswin]

So because she's an elder she should be ok to be a nasty fucker? No. Teen Dd should be proud that she won't let people put her down.

I have a gran like this. I literally don't give a shit about her. She's a horrible bastard and I would tell her so.

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

I think she responded appropriately! Mostly As, how brilliant - sounds like she did incredibly well, much better than I ever could. Good for her. Wishing her the best OP!

[RebelRogue]

I'm 30 and I'll happily tell someone to fuck off if they deserve it


Completely misses the point of the thread

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

Dennis Skinner is a Parliamentary Legend :)

[bloodyteenagers]

Oh and respect for elders bullshit equates to nasty old people can do and say whatever they want. They will never be pulled on their behavior. And any one younger should just shut up and accept it.

Not in my life. You act like a dick you will be pulled for it. Respect is earned it's not freely given. i don't care who you are.

[bloodyteenagers]

Some grannies can be nasty spiteful cows and will subject their children and grand children to years of being utters nasty fuckers. People tolerate this shite because its family and aparantly it's a great excuse. Whereas in reality some should have been called on their behavior decades ago, but aren't. Some it would be better if they went nc but a ridiculous notion of loyalty, they don't.
Instead, constant put downs. Insults. Verbal abuse continues.

I don't think the ops dd was rude. I just think that after years of listening to grannies nastiness she's had enough. And duri g a call that should have been oh congratulations, you know like any nice person she didn't and the dd finally cracked.

It is was me, I would give granny a final fuck you and not bother telling her a damn thing anymore.

[LucyBabs]

Uh hate the saying "respect for elders" How about respect for everyone as long as they respect you?
I certainly wouldn't teach my dc to blindly someone just because they are older

[EllenDegenerate]

Ugh.

Well I'm sorely disappointed in the powers that be.
To be coerced in to passive aggression, it's just so......unbecoming.

[MorrisZapp]

Oooft

Nailed it :)

[LikeDylanInTheMovies]

Ellen that's against mn guidelines. Passive aggression is sadly all we have.

Dennis Skinner MP: "Half the Tory members opposite are crooks."

Mr Speaker told him to withdraw the comment

"OK, half the Tory members aren't crooks."

To paraphrase Dennis Skinner.

'Half of the posters on Mumsnet are not trolls, wind up merchants, bored teenagers, or pervy blokes looking for wank fodder concocting made up shite complete with gaping consistencies, unrealistic timeframes and badly drawn caricatures.

[MorrisZapp]

To be fair I don't think we can call each other cunts, that's a 'personal attack'.

But yes, mnhq let us say pretty much anything apart from 'wtf OP, how stupid do you think we are? This is patently made up'.