Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not give my online banking details to my OH?

95 replies

marlfox · 08/10/2016 09:19

We got in (another) fight last night, and this time he told me that he wants access to all my bank accounts and wants to know every penny that comes in and out of them. I told him that I think that's really controlling and I won't do it. He came at me across the room and made to hit me with the tv remote (he didn't actually hit me). AIBU to stand my ground on this?

OP posts:
Longdistance · 08/10/2016 09:21

You've got bigger problems than him wanting your bank card details. He's being abusive.

LTB

Soubriquet · 08/10/2016 09:21

Do not give him anything

ayeokthen · 08/10/2016 09:23

Not if that's his attitude! To be honest I'm more worried about the aggression he showed you, you know that's not normal eh? DP and I have each other's online banking details, but that's only so we can move money if needed, pay bills, order groceries/stuff for the kids without a faff if he's working away. Why does your DP need to know every penny? It sounds like he's making you justify yourself. The aggression really isn't normal, it's awful.

NewlySkinnyMe · 08/10/2016 09:23

Yes. Stand your ground.

Also, stand your ground against his attempts to intimidate you with his aggressive behaviour.

BigChocFrenzy · 08/10/2016 09:25

Do NOT give any financial details to him !!
He is abusive.
He is on the verge of physical abuse and is escalating

I rarely say this, but LTB

He wants financial control over you, so he can control you completely.
Your life will become much worse.
You'll end up sooner or later having to LTB. He wants to make this as difficult as possible for you.

Hassled · 08/10/2016 09:26

He wants to remove any independence you have, doesn't he? The fact you have income/money he doesn't have access to is a real problem for him - and it's probably less about the money and more about the fact he can't control it. I agree you have bigger problems than this.

limon · 08/10/2016 09:26

Run. And never look back. This won't get any better.

Allthewaves · 08/10/2016 09:27

Er he made to hit you and your questioning bank accounts!

AyeAmarok · 08/10/2016 09:27

I think the online banking is the least of your worries.

Sounds like you would be better apart.

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 08/10/2016 09:28

Get rid of him, or leave yourself. This isn't good.

ilovesooty · 08/10/2016 09:29

And you're going to hang around and let his violence escalate?

Fuck that.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2016 09:30

No no no, that is abusive and controlling.

CatThiefKeith · 08/10/2016 09:30

Once he has control of your money it will be very difficult for you to leave him, which of course is what he wants.

Dh and I are married and we still don't have access to each other's
Personal accounts (we have a joint one that the bills come out of)

c3pu · 08/10/2016 09:33

Leave him now, while you still have the chance. This is the thin end of a very thick wedge.

nicebitofsodaandjam · 08/10/2016 09:41

Get the fuck out now while you still can! Seriously, I left a partner who was showing the early signs of abuse (NOTHING like threatening physical violence and wanting control of my money, just putting me down, picking fights, refusing to interact with my friends thus isolating me, guilting me into sex) EVERY TIME I hear some of the awful stories on here I think 'god I wish you'd left when you could'. To demand control over your finances (why? What does he even pretend is his 'reason'?) is outrageous; to physically threaten and intimidate you is beyond the pale, unacceptable, deal breaker. Get gone.

ConvincingLiar · 08/10/2016 09:47

Appalling.

rollonthesummer · 08/10/2016 09:49

That's abuse. Why does he even claim he needs to know this information?

ImperialBlether · 08/10/2016 09:49

He's literally trying to mug you, isn't he? "Give me your bank details or else I'll hit you..." There's no difference between that and a man saying it on the street.

phillipp · 08/10/2016 09:50

No, do not give an abusive man you bank details. What you should be doing, is leaving

HelloSunshines · 08/10/2016 09:50

That's not normal. It won't go away either.

BabyGanoush · 08/10/2016 09:50

Seriously? He made to hit you and you are still with him?

I really don't understand anyone putting up with that

PacificOcean · 08/10/2016 09:50

Please leave him OP Sad

Original poster
marlfox · 08/10/2016 09:53

We've been married 15 months, and have a 2 year old. I own the house we live in and if we break up he will have nowhere to go. We've talked about his anger so many times, and he's promised to get counselling, which hasn't materialized, and got put on anti-depressants, which I don't think he's taking.
It's not the first time he's made to hit me. His thing is always "I've never laid a finger on you."

OP posts:
acasualobserver · 08/10/2016 09:53

I don't think this is about standing your ground ... more like calling it a day.

ayeokthen · 08/10/2016 09:55

He is an abuser. Nobody has the right to make you feel afraid (with or without actually hitting you), to intimidate you or show aggression. That is not loving behaviour, it's not how a partner should behave.