to not give my online banking details to my OH?

[marlfox]

We got in (another) fight last night, and this time he told me that he wants access to all my bank accounts and wants to know every penny that comes in and out of them. I told him that I think that's really controlling and I won't do it. He came at me across the room and made to hit me with the tv remote (he didn't actually hit me). AIBU to stand my ground on this?

[WhooooAmI24601]

There's so much abuse going on here it's scary. Please, please, contact Womens Aid and ask for some help. You need to be away from him and you have every right to lock him out if he's threatening or controlling or manipulating him.

If he has nowhere to go, shame on him. He's shown you who he is; can you spend your life with him?

[ZuleikaDobson]

Just get him out. If he hasn't kept his promises about counselling yet, he isn't going to. And if he can't see what is wrong with demanding access to your bank accounts, he isn't going to and it is going to get worse.

[ToffeeForEveryone]

One day it'll be your child cowering under him if you don't get rid.

This.

It's not just about you. This is not a healthy or safe environment for your child. Threatening to hit you will eventually result in him hitting you or your DC. He is abusive and you should not tolerate his behaviour.

[PatriciaHolm]

Your poor child.

Don't let them grow up in this environment.

He's physically and financially abusive and the relationship is horribly toxic.

[Lostin3dspace]

Definitely leave now, you'll more than likely keep your house as its a short marriage. My exh stole all the joint savings and maxed out the mortgage and stole that, shifted large amounts of cash and hid it somewhere, so I had to go to court to get it back. He then failed to mention said large piles of cash to court and twisted everything around to make it look like it was all my fault and in fact he'd been supporting us both (utter bollocks) - I consider this financial abuse on some scale, and I had not given him access to my bank account, so imagine what yours could do if he did. Mine still used my bank details to sign me up to on line services without my consent or knowledge though, even without access to my bank account. Very quick divorce citing threatening behaviour needed here, sorry.

[MadameJosephine]

one day it'll be your child cowering under him if you don't get rid

^^couldnt agree more with this. I've been in your shoes op, I often wished he wouldhit me so I would have a 'reason' to leave. My lightbulb moment came when I saw my then 3 year old DS cower in fear when his father lost his temper. Please don't let this happen to your child because believe me, it will

[NameChanger22]

I ended a relationship just like yours. It was the best thing I ever did. He was using me for everything he could get and was abusive and controlling. I think your husband is probably the same.

Make him leave. Do it soon.

[Evilwickedmeanandnasty]

Have you got family close by that you can talk to? A male family member that can stand up to him and request him to leave your house? He sounds like a classic bully and wouldn't stand up to a man - it's easy to threaten a woman (in some men's minds!)

The very real situation here is your child. Now, they see their father threatening their mother and cower when they hear him lose his temper. The long term damage would be the learned behaviour and in 20 years time, your child becomes an abuser. Horrible thought.

It's not your responsibility to worry if he has somewhere to go, your responsibility is to your child and giving him/her a solid, secure childhood that will allow them to grow into a solid, responsible, respectful adult.

[TrillKitten]

I think a lot of mumsnet thread degenerate into "he's abusive, leave!!" as soon as an OP reports a fight or as soon as a DH swears at someone or another (not nice!) but Not. Abusive. Things.

99% of the time I am posting to say, this isn't abusive or a sign of potential violence, just go see a counsellor and learn to communicate better.

This is my 1%.
I don't think this is okay.
I think this really is likely a warning sign of a much more worrying whole.

Even if you can't "get out now!" (again, everyone likes to say it, believe me I know it isn't that easy to leave right away) could you perhaps make sure there is someone local you could go crash on the sofa of if needed? Leave a small overnight bag in the car? I stopped drinking so I knew I could drive away if ever I need to? Small measures to help you stay safe in the meantime?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

This sounds like a tumultuous marriage. Unless he can get his anger under control and the fighting diminishes, it needs to end. Shutting his hand in the door when you'd told him to stay out and I assume he was forcing entry is not the same thing as hurting or threatening to hurt you.

Your child needs protection before he/she is very much affected. I wouldn't give access and may consider hiding some of my savings especially if they were from before you got together as they will be needed for childcare in the event of a split.

[GizmoFrisby]

Agree with other posters. Get rid. What a tosser. If not for u for the sake of your dc

[Excited101]

He's getting worse, you can see that happening. When (and yes, when) he does hit you, he'll still claim 'the only time I laid my finger on you I had no choice' and that will be his reason and excuse and whatever else.

He is abusing you, regardless of where his fingers are. Get out now while your LO has a chance of a wonderful and violence free childhood and upbringing. It doesn't matter if your H has nowhere to go, he's a grown up, he can figure it out. You deserve to be loved and respected.

[spidey66]

Threatening violence is just as bad as actually doing it because you'll be forever scared he might do it.

I'm another who thinks LTB and I do think MN says that too easily. I'm going to go against the grain though and say you and your child need to leave as that way he won't know where to find you. The police maybe able to give you details of women's refuges....just because he's not hit you doesn't mean he's not being abusive. Only let him have supervised contact with the baby if that, even if he's in no way threatened him or her (sorry I'm not sure if it's a boy or girl) he may start poisoning his or her mind, even at this age. (''Daddy wants you home, but Mummy won't come home.'' So making you out to be the baddy).

OK the accommodation in a refuge is likely to mean shared facilities etc but they're safe and the staff can give advice on where to get housing, legal advice etc etc.

[Sancia]

"Stand your ground"? For fuck's sake this isn't a wee ikkle tiff about toilet seats or how to eat Jaffa cakes.

If you're thinking financial control and physical violence are ordinary, everyday occurrences for couples, they're not. Leave him and seek counselling.

[IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes]

Ffs if you stay with this man you are a fool. And there are children involved? Get him the fuck out your life for their sake at least.

[Benedikte2]

This is coercive and controlling behaviour . Threatening to hit is an assault if the victim is intimidated by it (assault and battery if actual physical assault). Things will only get worse. Go to a solicitor and get him thrown out. Your injury to him was an accident and not an assault as you did not intend to injure him. It is child abuse to fail to protect your child from witnessing his father's behaviour.
Good luck

[Topseyt]

In your OP you say another fight, implying that this isn't the first time and is probably a regular thing.

I agree with everyone else, though I would say that it is him who should be leaving rather than you. It is your house and I presume you are the main carer of your child. It is also a very short marriage which sounds as though it has been full of abuse.

Now is therefore a good time to end it. You can't go on like this.

He is an adult. He can look out for himself and find himself somewhere to go. He has made his bed by being an abusive arsewipe so he will have to lie in it.

Chuck him out and change your locks. If he threatens you again then call the police.

Oh, and it would be a cold day in hell before he ever got my banking details.

[Cathaka15]

He needs to go counselling for his anger and controlling issues.
You have only been married 15 months and need to give it a chance.
My marriage started a little volatile too but we both wanted to work through it because we love each other very much.
The problem was we both came with a load of baggage from our childhood. Once we worked through it We have had a solid marriage and been together for 22 years.

[redisthenewblack]

Cathaka15 what a load of bollocks. The OP has ASKED him to work through it. He hasn't. (Probably because he doesnt see a problem with his behaviour.)

OP, please.contact Women's Aid today. They will help you.

[Topseyt]

Cathaka, what!!! Give it a chance!! That would give him further chances to abuse and actually hit OP, perhaps with their two year old as a witness!!

You are kidding, I hope.

[PickAChew]

Bollocks does she need to give it another chance, Cathaka15. That's how women end up murdered by their abusive partners.

The arsehole needs to be sent packing, with police help, if necessary. Tough shit if he's got nowhere to go. He'll find somewhere.

[BigChocFrenzy]

You do NOT have to try to make a marriage work, with an abusive & manipulative man
Your risks and your financial position in a split will only worsen with time.

Since you own the house and have the money, it's much easier for you to end this now.
You don't have to go anywhere
It's not an LTB; it's BHO (Boot Him Out)

On Monday, get a solicitor's appointment asap, to find how to do this properly & safely.

• How to keep the house & most of your assets, to support your DC and yourself

This is easiest with a short marriage, so do NOT delay any longer

[user1475879680]

Please leave him and do it for your child too. And get so much support you can, from any from local council, community , friends to parents, so he knows you are strong. 15 months in and you already got this. You should be looked after and cared for not threatened.

[JellyBelli]

Please call Womens Aid, they give advice and support as well as practical help.
Start asking yourself what you are getting out of this relationship. His behaviour is controlling and abusive, even if he hasnt acctually hit you he has threatened to. Surveillanceis a type of abuse. No one should be monitoring their partners phone, accounts or email in that way.

www.womensaid.org.uk/what-we-do/training/

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Cathaka. It's great that the two of you worked through your marriage. It really does take two people focused 100% on the marriage. I don't know if ops husband really is.