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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not give my online banking details to my OH?

95 replies

marlfox · 08/10/2016 09:19

We got in (another) fight last night, and this time he told me that he wants access to all my bank accounts and wants to know every penny that comes in and out of them. I told him that I think that's really controlling and I won't do it. He came at me across the room and made to hit me with the tv remote (he didn't actually hit me). AIBU to stand my ground on this?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/10/2016 12:01

Your 15 month marriage is well and truly over now.

So what if he has nowhere else to go; you are not responsible for him. That thought seems to be based on co-dependency as well and that is an unhealthy state.

Such men never ever go to counselling. He will not go because he feels entitled to act as he does and thinks he is doing nothing wrong here. He acts like this because he can.

Your two year old cannot afford to grow up in a household where such threats are daily present. Its no legacy to leave your child and no life for you either. This man will not stop until he has you and your child completely cowering in his presence.

Abuse is not about a lack of communication either, its about wanting and having power and control over someone else. You're always trying to co-operate with your abuser, he never co-operates.

Re a previous comment made by Cathaka15:-

"He needs to go counselling for his anger and controlling issues.
You have only been married 15 months and need to give it a chance"

No no and no again, all of this counsel is very damaging. The "sunken costs fallacy" also springs to mind with regards to this second sentence. What is being missed here is that the damage has already been done.

Counselling for abusive men never works because they do not see that they are doing anything wrong. Controlling behaviour is itself abusive behaviour and deeply ingrained within the psyche. My guess too is that he is all sweetness and light with outsiders and saves all of his anger for you and you alone. Yet another reason amongst many to now start divorce proceedings.

Zeeandra · 08/10/2016 12:03

We have joint finances because it works for us but this concerns me:

wants to know every penny that comes in and out of them.

Given your updates and the threat when you said no it sounds like he cannot cope with the fact that you own the house and I'm thinking maybe earn more than him? Seems he's grasping for control so he can get you under his feet where he wants you.

Take a good long honest look at your relationship and decide if it's worth it.

expatinscotland · 08/10/2016 12:14

What Atilla said. Your child has no choice in this matter and right now, he/she is being brought up in an abusive home.

GrumpyOldBag · 08/10/2016 12:18

People on MN are very quick to say LTB.

You know the relationship best OP, and whether it's worth trying to salvage.

Do you think it is worth giving him an ultimatum to get counselling and proper treatment for his depression? Maybe set yourself a time limit and if he doesn't take positive steps to deal with his behaviour in that time, then it's time to leave.

roasted · 08/10/2016 12:20

LTB.

Apart from the fact that his reasoning is overly controlling, if you share your bank details with anyone, no matter how much you trust them, you will lose all support from your bank in the event of any fraud.

Threatening to hit the mother of his child? Nice. What if the 2-year-old saw? What if your child started thinking this sort of behaviour was normal? You can't settle for this crap not only for your sake but for your kid's.

His actions and his words are not okay and you can do better than this. Even being on your own would be better than this.

Justaboy · 08/10/2016 12:23

marlfox Now i ask you this. Did he make to hit you with the remote when he was wooing you before you were married?

I bet he didn't, else you'd have told him to eff off.

So why not now? Why?.

Flisspaps · 08/10/2016 16:29

Maybe set yourself a time limit and if he doesn't take positive steps to deal with his behaviour in that time, then it's time to leave

And in the meantime hope he doesn't step it up to carrying out his threats or causing harm to your child.

Really great advice that Hmm*
*

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 08/10/2016 16:33

If he's threatening you, you do need to separate. Sorry.

SandyY2K · 08/10/2016 16:41

Don't give him the account details.

His threats and agressive behaviour is unacceptable IMO.

Doesn't he earn anything?
Do you have access to his account?

I can'tsee this lasting very long. That threatening behaviour would be a dealbreaker for me.
I personally think the marriage has an imbalance when the house belongs to one spouse. But he knew this when he moved in.

DailyMaui · 08/10/2016 16:47

`Leave. He's an abusive twat who makes you unhappy. Don't put your child through hell for the love of a violent man.

DartmoorDoughnut · 08/10/2016 16:49

Run

Whatabloodyidiot1 · 08/10/2016 16:50

This is tricky, you're married so automatically the house becomes a 'marital asset' along with anything £500 and over so money in bank accounts and savings etc is not just legally yours.
That said he is being aggressive and threatening so you have grounds to call the police and have him removed. Then you will be able to change the locks and prevent him re entering. Take some sound legal advice before you do anything g of you could find yourself in a worse position than you already are.

DartmoorDoughnut · 08/10/2016 16:50

Sorry toddler typing not error!

Kick him out ASAP, he sounds horrendous

SandyY2K · 08/10/2016 16:54

I own the house we live in and if we break up he will have nowhere to go.

Was he homeless whenyou met him?
He can find somewhere to live. It might take time, but he is not a baby.

We've talked about his anger so many times, and he's promised to get counselling, which hasn't materialized

You need to insist on it or seperate.

and got put on anti-depressants, which I don't think he's taking.

So he's just not doing anything to help himself. Why did you marry him with this anger problem? Or has it only manifested after marriage?

Willow2016 · 08/10/2016 16:55

Where he goes is his problem not yours, I am sure he could bunk on a sofa somewhere.

Your only concern is to get rid of this abusive man. How long before he hits you for real and then blames you for it?
Do not give him a hint of your bank details, thats just the begining of the end of your independance.

Get all your important stuff together in a safe place and tell him to hit the road. You deserve better than this and so does your child.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2016 17:00

It appears even Dartmoors toddler agrees.

Chesntoots · 08/10/2016 17:11

This is the legal definition of assault:

"An assault is carried out by a threat of bodily harm coupled with an apparent, present ability to cause the harm."

He does not need to touch you (that would be battery). It is classed as a crime against the person. This man hasn't "just" threatened you - he has committed an assault.

I do wish that it were a more commonly known fact because then women might feel more confident in reporting knowing it was an actual offence. Twats like this wouldn't get away with saying "but I never touched you"...

ohfourfoxache · 08/10/2016 17:38

Run fast - please

PirateCatOvenGloveOption · 08/10/2016 18:03

Op, marriages of short duration are looked at in a different way to one of say seven years plus. The sooner you draw this to a close the less you will have to give him. A friend was married two years and the judge made them keep what each brought to the marriage and it was very lopsided. LTB.

fj3568 · 08/10/2016 19:40

Leave and file for divorce asap - as you are married as each month goes by he will own a greater share of your home. My DP divorced (amicably) after 2 years and had to pay exw £60 k for her share of the house he bought before they lived together. He's abusive - it'll only get worse. Be strong xx

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