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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not give my online banking details to my OH?

95 replies

marlfox · 08/10/2016 09:19

We got in (another) fight last night, and this time he told me that he wants access to all my bank accounts and wants to know every penny that comes in and out of them. I told him that I think that's really controlling and I won't do it. He came at me across the room and made to hit me with the tv remote (he didn't actually hit me). AIBU to stand my ground on this?

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 08/10/2016 09:56

It's not your problem he has nowhere to go.
He clearly doesn't give a fuck about you and will never change.
Let today be the day you tell him fuck you, get the fuck out we are through.. if he threatens you call the police.

LagunaBubbles · 08/10/2016 09:57

Whether or not he has actually hit you is not the point - he's emotionally abiding you by making you think he will hit you - to get you scared you will be under his "control". And one of these days he might actually just do it.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 08/10/2016 09:58

As its a short marriage you may be able to keep your house, especially if you are the main child carer. If you stay married he may have a claim on it. Call women's aid for advice and get away from him.

ImperialBlether · 08/10/2016 10:01

When I read your OP I guessed you were the one with the money and he wanted it. You need to tell him to leave, OP. Do you have enough to pay for a month's rent and a month's deposit on a flat for him, to get rid? Don't, though, stand as guarantor, whatever you do.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 08/10/2016 10:01

Listen to yourself

if we break up he will have nowhere to go

He is an adult. The world is full of places to stay. You are making a really really lame excuse for staying with an abusive controlling dickwad. I expect he has trained you to put his needs above everyone else's and to solve all problems for him.

So, he makes to hit you and demands control of your finances, yet you think you can't protect yourself and your two year old by kicking him out because that would make his life temporarily slightly inconvenient. You are thinking about poor little him, not poor you and poor DD. He'll manage. Get rid.

ilovesooty · 08/10/2016 10:04

It's your house. See a solicitor on Monday and get things sorted so you can kick him out and not have him approach you.

airingcupboard · 08/10/2016 10:07

If you own the house it's easy. Throw him out and change the locks.

PirateCatOvenGloveOption · 08/10/2016 10:08

Time to find your anger OP.

tibbawyrots · 08/10/2016 10:11

Do you want your 2yo to see you being threatened and think that's normal?

Original poster
marlfox · 08/10/2016 10:11

I found some anger when I was drunk last week and locked him out and accidentally shut his hand in the door. So now he has me being physical towards him over him not ever touching me...

OP posts:
Handsoffmysweets · 08/10/2016 10:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

ilovesooty · 08/10/2016 10:14

It does sound a horrible relationship all round. I still think you need to get rid.

phillipp · 08/10/2016 10:14

Unless you protected yourself, as you are married, is not just your house.

This sounds like a nightmare of a relationship. He sounds like a twat, you are locking him out etc

Your poor child. End this relationship. The only reason you aren't doing is because deep down is because either your scared of him or you don't want to.

Flisspaps · 08/10/2016 10:18

You accidentally hurting him once does not make him better than you because he 'only' threatens to hurt you intentionally.

He is abusive.

One day it'll be your child cowering under him if you don't get rid.

It's his fault he'll have nowhere to go, do you really think he'd care if the shoe was on the other foot?

SecretNutellaFix · 08/10/2016 10:18

Him having no place to go is not your problem.
His abuse of you is your problem and can be dealt with him being required to leave the home and changing the locks.
Do you want your child growing up in an atmosphere where it's acceptable to bully and threaten someone to get your own way? Do you want your child to see you being hit by the remote control when he "accidentally" throws it during an argument?
It's not normal- and you owe your child a safe and happy home. It's not going to be happy if your OH keeps up with the verbal / psychological abuse and it's not going to be safe for either of you when he turns violent because he hasn't got his own way.

acasualobserver · 08/10/2016 10:19

now he has me being physical towards him over him not ever touching me...

No, this is wrong thinking. It means nothing. He has nothing over you.

Ditsy4 · 08/10/2016 10:22

Don't let him know. I have separate account from DH as we used to argue about money. He used to blame me for lack of money in the account. I had four kids to feed. I used child benefit for all their clothes and shoes and any sports. I had nothing for myself. I went and retrained when my youngest went to school and opened an account with my grant money I think I have been in the red twice ( briefly) and both times it was to help the children. I have had the account for 25 years!
I now have a good lump sum in a high interest account so if ever I want to leave I can. Don't let him know how much you have or move some to a secret account burn your statements.
It is a small step to hitting you. I would go to his GP and tell all. Perhaps s/ he will help if he isn't taking the medication prescribed. People on here always say leave but it isn't that easy. Get some support and it will help you make a decision. Also consider the affect that this is having on your child. If your child is witness to these events s/he will be affected by it and as time goes on the affect will be greater as your child gets older. Believe me as I often work with children caught in the middle of abuse.

toomuchtooold · 08/10/2016 10:22

You're scared he'll try and use the hurt hand against you. If you continue to live with him and walk on eggshells the whole time and make yourself perfectly agreeable he won't use it against you, and he might even be nice to you for a while. But at some point something will upset him and you will be the whipping boy again. You've not been together long, you still have your own job and your own money. He's making a play for the money now - the longer you stay, the harder he will make it to leave.

Cocklodger · 08/10/2016 10:23

sounds like you're saying ''oh well at least he's never hit you'' he's threatened to as a means of control and is attempting to control how you spend your money. Phone the police have him removed and get a divorce

Moonpuddle · 08/10/2016 10:23

I'm worried you have to ask....Sad

LTB

Mrskeats · 08/10/2016 10:26

Tough if he has nowhere to go. Maybe he should have thought of that before he became abusive.
As others have said this will get worse. Its not about bank accounts its about control. I wasted 18 months in an abusive relationship-don't make this mistake. He is showing you what is to come. Run.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/10/2016 10:32

I have had the account for 25 years!
I now have a good lump sum in a high interest account so if ever I want to leave I can.

However if you ever did want to leave you would have to declare it.

OP you need to leave him. He is abusive.

LittleBearPad · 08/10/2016 10:37

Whole can of worms under that AIBU.

I'd suggest kicking him out.

badtasteflump · 08/10/2016 10:49

Threatening physical violence is abuse, just as much as actual physical violence is. It's all about control.

Please start making plans to get out of this relationship - your baby has already witnessed two years of abuse - please don't subject him/her to any more Sad

SuperFlyHigh · 08/10/2016 10:50

Tough shit he has nowhere to go.

I used to work for a solicitors who dealt with divorce, the partners dealing in divorce would all advise in this case to divorce and you would most likely keep the house. Unreasonable behaviour most probable grounds.