To ask how you split responsibilities on mat leave?

[Onthedowns]

Myself and DH at breaking point one of main factors is how I am doing everything around the house - except putting bins out! He will occasionally drop DD to school also. Also he says I should be doing all night feeds as 'that's what I am off work for' we have 7 month old DS who is crap sleeper started out premature in SCBU then horrendous reflux and cmpi. Just started to get under control , my DD who is 4 just started school. DS wakes anytime between 3:4 still and can take an hour sometimes more to go back to sleep tonight he woke 345 then sleep till 6. I haven't been able to sleep as he's been tossing and turning. I do this every night. DH has sales job does travel but no more than 2 hours each way and not usually very early starts. It's meetings and office based not manual work, although appreciate driving dangerous when tired. He is extremely busy so I try to do most things however I am extremely tired from constant waking and my sleep pattern is shot, I also have DD to think about. Wednesday DH left house at 7 got back at 7 then went straight to football training then home 2330 after training pub etc then complains of being tired. He plays football every Sunday morning also. Last Friday night he went for a drink with friends came home 130am! This was local also. I have DD to get ready etc too. My argument is he's tired as doesn't manage his time and through choice makes himself worse. Mine is sheer exhaustion of housework cooking cleaning washing shopping two kids . Any ideas?

My DH had a tendency to be a selfish, clueless and entitled twat when I had my first dc. I felt like you did op.
I decided and then told him that I was not a domestic servant. The baby/Dc come first, after that I will do what I can around the house and for the family.

Evening and weekend parenting or leisure time, family organising and housework chores are split.

He got it. Good men do get it. If they don't, just ditch them. You are in for a life of sacrifice and misery otherwise.

I do all the night waking during the week. Dp is on duty from 6 am onwards so that if I've had a horrendous night I can grab 2.5 hours uninterrupted sleep. This has mainly tailed off as baby sleeps better.

Until we started introducing solids a few weeks ago, I did all of the feeding (bf).

I generally do the cooking as I'm home, I enjoy it and I'm better at it! Dp does most of the shopping ad he's out of the house and baby free more.

Everything else is done as and when by whoever has the time/ energy/ skills/ notices a job needs doing. Tbh neither one of us has loads of 'leisure' time but at this stage I wouldn't expect to. We have a lot of nice family time though.

Don't be bullied into wasting your mat leave cooking and cleaning for another adult. What joy does he bring you? If none, why bother with him?

So basically, this man is willing to watch the woman that he swore, in front of all his friends and family, to love and cherish wear herself to a nubbin while he sits on his arse, is that about right?

Would you, op, sit by and watch him run himself into the ground without helping?

He sounds like a prize arsehole.

So basically, this man is willing to watch the woman that he swore, in front of all his friends and family, to love and cherish wear herself to a nubbin while he sits on his arse, is that about right?

No, no. While he plays football and goes down the pub.

Ah yes. My mistake! Heaven forbid his life should be altered in any way by a baby, right?

Heaven forbid his life should be altered in any way by a baby, right?

Wrong again. Now that his wife has been through two pregnancies and two births, and is up all hours with the baby (who was premature and very ill), his life should never include any housework, chores, night wakings or childcare except the odd school run. In other words, his life should be much easier because pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding are very very hard for him. Even more so because he is one of those incredibly rare and special people who has a job.

Honestly.

I'm just no good at this, am I... I mean. A job. Seriously. How could he be expected to contribute anything at home? I hang my head in shame.

Btw op. My grandpa is 92. He used to be a bus driver. He worked split shifts. In his break, he used to go home and help my grandma with their children and the housework so they could both sit down and relax together in the evening.

You are worth more than this!

I have had this conversation but it inevitabley ends in arguments, I did the bulk of cooking etc before DC sorry but I think some of that starts st home as he never lifted a finger. Although I have continued enabling it. We have arguments about football but he says it's his break! I have been out a few times since DS born but not much. I just don't seem to get on top of the house which drives me mad! Even if we go anywhere I am the one getting kids things sorted etc. His comment about that's what I am on mat leave for riled me!! I am happy to bulk of things but I am fed up! My mat pay was full pay for 5 months so only recently dropped. Mil is from the 1950s doesn't help thinks it's woman's job- she never worked till both children at school then school job 5 'minutes walk away!

I do much more at home than dp does however he has a hard manual job his only break is driving between jobs whereas right now I'm sitting watching tv with the baby sleeping and ds1 at school I will then spend an hour cleaning and go to the pub for lunch with my friend before school pick up. I have a small flat an easy going 4 year old and lots of support and babysitting available so its fair. However if I'm having a hard day or night I just need to tell dp and he is more than happy to male dinner tidy up or deal with the kids. He also is happy for me to go out to 2 classes a week and the odd night out with my friends and vice versa. I have a perfect example of fair in my eyes Tues night ds2 was up and down all night so wed night dp done 1 of 2 night feed then went out to a 12 hour shift the next day so when he got home exhausted I made him food and sorted his work clothes for the next day so he could relax.

I would be furious if I asked for help and never got it.

It's not help! It's his family, too!

I think the longer you get on with it, the less it becomes something they recognise as being done. I made a point of not doing the dishes because I was sick of being the only one to do it, after 3 days my DH quietly went into the kitchen and cleaned from top to bottom without a word. I thanked him for getting round to it, as I was too busy looking after our DS, washing laundry, hoovering, cleaning and cooking to have time to do all the dishes as well and find time for a break.
Since then he's stepped up a lot, without being asked which is nice as I certainly didn't sign up to married life to childmind my husband.
I get what you mean about it starting at home op, my DH mum did everything in their house and still went out to work pt so they expected (her DH included) that they could make a sandwich and leave everything out on the work surface, leave plates/glasses/cups all around the house, laundry would magically appear washed and ironed outside their door. My DH had a massive shock when he went to uni, and more so once we moved in together and it did take a long while to get him out of expecting everything to be done!
I've resolved to raise a son that understands housework, cooking etc are things that have to be done and make sure he knows how to do them so he can contribute someday to a balanced relationship!

We never really discussed it but years ago DH worked 'on call' and got used to operating on very little sleep so he automatically took on the bulk of night feeds because, he said, he copes better on little sleep than I do. I did, and still do, the majority of cooking and cleaning because DH is not a particularly good cook (lived on takeout and microwave meals when single!) and doesn't see the need for cleaning until the place is in a really disgusting state (the stereotypical typical bloke!). That said, if I ask him to cook or clean he will (or order take out!) and after work DH 'takes over' the majority of childcare whilst I turn my attention to the household chores. It may not be what suits everyone but it suits us and we negotiate free time so that we both have the opportunity to do stuff outwith the home and family for ourselves. It has never occurred to either of us (I don't think) that because one is bringing in money and the other isn't that this should mean the non-earner (me) should do more in the house or with childcare whilst the earner (him) does nothing - we are both equally responsible for our family, even if all responsibilities are not divided equally (if that makes sense), that's what a partnership is!

When I've been on mat leave (twice)we agreed I'd co-sleep with baby in main Bedroom while Dh moved out into spare. He works 8-6.30 in high powered job and could no way function on no/broken sleep, we also depend hugely on his salary.

However, 1 night at the weekend, he took the baby in his bedroom (I'd expressed) I plugged in the ear plugs and would get one whole night off blissful, uninterrupted sleep- made a huge difference.

Chore wise- I always cook dinner anyway so still did this, but he washes all dishes/pans and cleans kitchen so its all clean in morning.

I think the main thing you OP need is to agree that on 1 night at the weekend- he deals with the kids waking at night, you will put in earplugs and not be expecting to leave the comfort of your bed once. More than fair.

Also- if he plays footie- fine- but when he gets home he can put the kids in the car and take them out for the same time he played footie- so you can have a bath/nap/lounge in front of tv on your own. you HAVE to start laying down some ground-rules or it will get worse. he wont suggest it- so you tell him how its gonna be!!

He's completely taking the piss. If he asks his mates they will tell him that too.
If he needs a break twice a week then you should point out that you want the same.

One full evening and one full weekend morning a week. Go to friends and nap if needed, go do anything, but use those hours for you.

Once he's realised it's better with you there then you can tell him you need a lie in each week and that he's responsible Sat ams. Once he realised that's too prescriptive he may just start eeking his helping hours out over the week.
If you are cooking in week...tell him that Sunday pms are batch cook days and he can either help or entertain HIS children while you have a relatively free kitchen.

Also tell him that you would like a date night each week. If you can get your MIL to sit.

There are loads of ways you can get this swung in the balance without arguing. That is hard not to do when you are knackered and have a manchild to contend with.

Sorry to say that iff he can't accommodate any if the above then he is a lost cause.

Looking after kids all day is working! It's not always feasible but let him do a week of paternity/maternity leave 24/7 and then have him tell you it's not bloody hard work! To add domestic chores which are tiring themselves into the mix is taking the piss. I go to work for a break! And I'm a senior manager with lots going on.

We have arguments about football but he says it's his break!

So what's your break?

You are a person too, right?

I think you need to have the row.

Don't back down for a quiet life.

He is treating you like shit and there is no excuse for it.

DH and I sort of tag teamed. I always did nights anyway as DD was EBF and in the day I would make sure the kitchen was left tidyish with dishwasher unloaded and washing up done etc. But he then did the bulk of the rest of the chores in the first few months. My SPD didn't go when DD was born so I needed a bit extra. But that wasn't with another child in the house obviously. It sounds like you're doing too much though

I totally agree with PP about sharing the housework/looking after children 50/50 when he's not at work.
My DH took 2 weeks off to look after our baby when I went back to work after maternity leave. I think he saw it as a bit of a holiday where he could relax and sit in the park etc. It was a massive shock for him.
I'd come home from work and he'd be exhausted and dinner was most def not cooked. Anyway as a result he thanked me for everything I'd done on maternity leave.
We used to do the nights in shifts (after bf was finished) and take it in turns for a lie-in at the weekends. We also each allowed a night a week to go out and do what we wanted.
I'd leave the house to get disorganised. If you're all going out together allocate him a child to get ready and you sit and relax until he gets it done. You could also throw things back onto him - like asking what are we having for dinner tomorrow it's your turn to cook? and we have no food can he go buy some. I'd become lazy when he's there (instead of having arguments).

Your job is 24 hours a day, why should his be 9-5? You made the children together, you're a family, he should be helping you. My husband works shifts and still does as much as me when home. Always does school run if he's here so I don't have to take the baby out. I'd have a stern word, you deserve better.

I'm also on maternity leave with four month old DS. Our division of labour is exactly the same as it was pre-pregnancy - I cook (because I am better at it), plan meals and shopping lists, do all laundry, and do all post/bills admin and filing; DH does dishes, bins and all general cleaning (kitchen, bathroom, floors etc). We do the grocery shopping together. In terms of childcare, when DH comes home he does all non-feeding childcare (DS is EBF and a very hungry baby!). For night wakings, he does nappy changes and any non-feeding soothing. Since DS still feeds quite a lot at night (and does not really nap during the day), I end up pretty short of sleep, so DH takes DS in the early mornings so I can get another hour or so.

As wise PPs have said: maternity leave is for bonding with your baby, not for doing housework. Your DH should want to bond with his baby as well!

I do more housework than DP, which isn't much though. I do the absolute bare minimum to keep the house clean and presentable. I believe spending time with my DS, who is 2, and the baby is more important than a pristine house. Which is also the reason why I don't expect DP to do housework in the evening, so he does baths and bedtimes while I do the cooking and cleaning up as I go along. DP gets up before me in the mornings to give DS his breakfast, so I'm never rushed in the morning which is great.
At weekends, we split all housework and childcare equally.
As for nights, I sleep with the baby who is ebf, DP sleeps in the spare room and tends to all toddler wake-ups. At the moment, he's definitely got the worse deal, DS is an awful sleeper.
I don't think all housework needs to be split equally, as in "you do your washing and I'll do mine" , it needs to feel fair overall. Your DH's behaviour is awful and he really needs to change, this is the kind of behaviour that causes relationships to break down !

My partner gave very little help beyond his two weeks of paternity leave. I felt like a drudge. Continued after I went back to work. I was run ragged doing all childcare shopping cooking housework. Eventually I went on strike. Just cooked for me and baby etc. Partner responded by cheating on me. Now I'm a single parent, tiring but no longer full of resentment all the time about unfair share of work!

Well Rolf, at least you now have only one whining baby to care for, and who is lovable.

Agree that when he is home you share jobs 50/50. You both have "jobs" one at home the other out of the home. You should also be getting equal breaks or time out of the house.
I'm on ML and do most of the cooking as I'm at home to do so. All of the washing because I like it to stay the correct size and colour. But DH will clean up after dinner and loves it if he is home in time to put DD to bed as he hasn't seen her all day.

You have to find a routine that is fair to both of you, which yours is definitely not