To ask how you split responsibilities on mat leave?

[Onthedowns]

Myself and DH at breaking point one of main factors is how I am doing everything around the house - except putting bins out! He will occasionally drop DD to school also. Also he says I should be doing all night feeds as 'that's what I am off work for' we have 7 month old DS who is crap sleeper started out premature in SCBU then horrendous reflux and cmpi. Just started to get under control , my DD who is 4 just started school. DS wakes anytime between 3:4 still and can take an hour sometimes more to go back to sleep tonight he woke 345 then sleep till 6. I haven't been able to sleep as he's been tossing and turning. I do this every night. DH has sales job does travel but no more than 2 hours each way and not usually very early starts. It's meetings and office based not manual work, although appreciate driving dangerous when tired. He is extremely busy so I try to do most things however I am extremely tired from constant waking and my sleep pattern is shot, I also have DD to think about. Wednesday DH left house at 7 got back at 7 then went straight to football training then home 2330 after training pub etc then complains of being tired. He plays football every Sunday morning also. Last Friday night he went for a drink with friends came home 130am! This was local also. I have DD to get ready etc too. My argument is he's tired as doesn't manage his time and through choice makes himself worse. Mine is sheer exhaustion of housework cooking cleaning washing shopping two kids . Any ideas?

We did split feeds. DH used to stay up to do the 11pmish feed and was "on duty" until about 12.00-12.30. Then I would get up at 3ish (and whatever else the night brought) and we both got up at 7.30

At weekends we had one day lie in each unless we had something on or if I'd had a super rough week DH did both mornings or a 3am.

I did most of the housework whilst baby slept but we shared the cooking.

With baby 2 and 3 DH used to take the older ones out on a Saturday every few weeks and leave me just with the baby.

I like the idea that a pp said of 'when he's at work, you're at work and the rest is 50/50'. Makes sense to me but my partner was less than supportive too. He told me if he'd had a year 'off' he'd have used the opportunity to sort the house out and be more efficient

'Hopefully when yours is stronger (and you need to make bloody sure to play your hand for maximum independence - NEVER give up work with a man like this) '

^^This!

Oh and to add to that dd was ebf bottle refuser so all the nights we me.

He told me if he'd had a year 'off' he'd have used the opportunity to sort the house out and be more efficient

And that's why he's your ex, right?

We had an arrangement where I looked after the baby and he looked after me.

So in the early days (say the 1st 3 months) he did everything non-child related; cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, planning. He made me a packed lunch everyday to make sure I ate properly. He also did a lot of the the non-breastfeeding related childcare when he was at home because he wanted to look after his baby. I only did the feeding, childcare when I was on my own, household finance and whatever domestic stuff I felt up to during the day.

As DS got older I did more household stuff until by about 6 months I was doing most of the cleaning and cooking during the day. In the evening we shared the work. When I stopped breastfeeding he took over night feeds at the weekend.

When I went back to work and he went part time the balance of work shifted again and we got a cleaner to help out.

DH has a physically draining factory job. I have a mentally draining management jobs. I think we work well because we prioritise looking after each other.

My husband was a bit like this and I didn't follow mn in those days (didn't know what I was missing!) so put up with it out of some ridiculous notion that he needed more rest to do his very important job. Now realise that was a load of shit. It caused resentment in our marriage years later OP but now we balance things out more and I demand more -respect- help around the house.

Please get this sorted so you get some rest. At least time to yourself every Saturday, lie-in, coffee with friends, exercise class, whatever it is you need, plus him cooking at weekends/once during the week. You need thsi in order to be a happy mum to your children as well as not being completely submerged into being a domestic drudge!

By the way as a pp said, if he was single he'd have to do all his housework, laundry, cooking etc, why should you be a slave to make his life completely task-free. He's a grown up who can contribute to the domestic chores that make HIS life run smoothly.

Almost doinitfine almost.

We had an arrangement where I looked after the baby and he looked after me.

:)

So smart.

A decent and kind man who knows how to love.

Let's make more of these.

And stop breeding with the defective models.

Dh always went to bed later and got up earlier than me. Dh would always do the last feed in the evening around 10.30 and then the one at 6am. I would go to bed early and no any night wakings.

We all did bath time together so we had some time to be together as family (still do now and she's 4) and then we took it in turns to do bedtime story, bottle and tuck in. The person who wasn't with dd made the dinner for us both.

Housework, I did most of it whilst he was out at work, but we both chipped in at weekends.

It's almost as if some of these people resent the one who's on mat leave and punish her for it - hence, checking out of all domestic and childcare tasks because you are 'off', competitive tiredness, swanning off, etc. - instead of being an active part of the family the two of you chose to create together. How disrespectful and unloving.

He's taking the Piss OP and he knows it!

That's no way to treat your family,he needs to start pulling his weight!

With me and my DH,I would be up through out the night with our youngest DC because I was breastfeeding but my DH would usually wake up and once I'd fed our DD my DH would take over,he'd wind and change our DD,wrap her up and get her back to sleep,it was a God send,he didn't have to do it and I didn't ask him to he did it because he thought it was the right thing to do.
Every time he did that it would mean another 20/30 minutes extra sleep and I could be up with her 4/6 times a night.

He was on 12 hour shifts in a very important and very physical job but when ever he had a day off or he was working nights he'd get up with our 4 older DC,he'd sort breakfasts,get teeth brushed and hair done,make sure they all got washed and dressed for school,made packed lunches,checked they had everything they needed for school and then he'd do the school run.

If I'd just fed our youngest DD he'd get her, wind her,top and tail her,get her dressed and take her with him on the school run.

He'd then come back,bring our DD up to me,he'd then go and stick some washing on,wash up from breakfast,put the hoover round and by 10.30 he'd be bringing me some breakfast and a coffee in bed.

He was brilliant and he did it because he knew that the days he was at work all day I'd be doing everything with the house and our 5DC and he knew if he was doing nights I'd only be getting about 3 or 4 hours of broken sleep so he wanted to make sure that he pulled his weight.

He knew as important as his job was mine was just as important,I was looking after our children.
They were our children and any mess that was made was our mess and it was our laundry and our meal times,we'd made the decision to have children together so as far as he was concerned they were equally ours to care for.

I don't know what it's like in your home but every friend I've ever had that's had children has said there's far more arguments if one of them wasn't pulling they're weight in the home and with the children.

I'd sit down and have a talk with him,explain that whilst him working is great it's very different to what your job is like,he can sit and enjoy a hot drink when he has a break,most of the time you won't be able to!He can sit and enjoy his lunch in peace without having to take care of the welfare of 2 very young very needy little people!
He gets to have adult conversations without interuption!
He gets to have free time to spend with his friends and to exercise!

Although his job may be long and may be hard,you job never really stops!

My arrangement when on ML was the following:

• My role is to look after the dcs, not to be a maid/housekeeper. If the dcs had been at nursery or CM, I would have expected their caregiver to be looking after them, not to do all the cleaning, washing, meal preparing etc... Tidying up as go along yes. Deep cleaning and day to day cleaning No
• My role as a 'childminder' is a day time one not a 22/7 role. That means that when DH is at home, tasks are split 50/50. That includes getting up at night. Again, making the link with a nursery, I wouldn't be happy with nursery staff to be day in and day out completely out from tiredness and therefore unable to do their job properly.
• Time out is equally shared and isn't an excuse to not parent the dcs. So NO to him always going out but not me. And the day after, he still need to be up to parent his own children. If he is tired from going ouit the night before, his problem. There is no reason he gets a get out of jail card but I can never do.
• a VERY BIG reminder that as a father he is also A PARENT and that comes with RESPONSIBILITIES to look after his won dcs, get up at night, school run, playing, play dates or activities at weekends etc etc... It is NEVER the sole responsibility of the mother, even (or rather especially) if the mother is on ML.

Now I have been told I'm pretty hard core even though most men/fathers have agreed in principle with that. The implementation though ... You know, poor fragile creatures, are tired and they absolutely not cope with that...

When I was on mat leave DH used to stay up to do the 1030/11 feed and I would go to bed about 9. I would do the night feed and wakings while he slept in the spare room and he would do the 7am feed before going to work. That way we both managed a few chunks of ok sleep.

At the weekends we shared it.

DTs had horredous reflux and were very difficult to settle so I know where you're coming from.

I used to deal with the food shopping / cpooking etc and he dealth with the cleaning.

What would royally piss me off though is the going out and football etc unless you have an equal amount of free time to yourself.

There's usually a lot of responses along the line of 'You should do everything if you're on mat leave. Be kind to him. Support the worker' but it's always the woman who is expecting to do the kindness and not the other way round. He's taking the piss. I wouldn't bother with all the 'you get to have a hot drink and uninterrupted lunch.' He'll come back with another point score because this is what he's like.

Another way I've put things is that whilst on ML, my job is to look after the children so I am taking on a childminder/nursery staff role whilst working from home.
It means that there is a start and end to it n the day and in the week.
When that role as a 'childminder' finishes, then my role as a parent starts. And it starts at the same that his role as a parent starts too.

Especially, if you normally work full time, this can be a really nice way to look at things.

But it assumes that before your had your dc2, your DH was pulling weight re HW and parenting. I suspect this wasn't the case either

Exactly Expat. These men not only seem to punish wives on mat leave, but also think that they and their time are too important to do the shitwork of family life. That's for women apparently. Who are less important.

It is possible to break this. If your DH loves you and wants to be part of a family he will change. If not, seriously think about leaving.

And go back to work. Seriously, do not become financially dependent on this man.

YY about working out a way to share the night waking.
We did the same thing than idont, me going to bed early and DH staying up late with dc1 who was bottle fed.
Dc2 was b'fed so I had to get up. But it lasted only until he was about 6 months old and it became clear he didn't need a feed anymore, just reassurance. Then I expected DH to get up too (and he did!). But it was more of a 'you get up, next time it's my turn' type of things.

And that's why I've always explained WHY things were organised in a certain way but saying that my role during the day with the dcs is the one of a CM. That IS a job and most people would recognised can be a difficult one too.

And you are 'earning' money doing that job. You are paying yourself a nice sum of about £1000 a month (that would you be paying a nursery for a 5 day a week care).

Im very thankful to have my DH.

Whilst on mat leave if I'd had a really bad night he'd get up an hour or two earlier for me to have a sleep and entertain DS before he left for work.

I was breastfeeding but he'd still go and get DS from the cot and bring him to me then when he had finished feeding take him back to his cot.

On days off I would catch up on some bits that I found hard to get done with DS alone, like hoovering. DH would long for a day off work to get to spend time with him. He would leave me lie in and bring DS and a coffee up for his 10am feed.

Tell him with this new shared parental leave you can go back to work if he likes and he can do ALL the stuff at home. I think not.

I don't think it is about resentment most of the time.

I could understand a man feeling sad at having to leave his new family to head off to work and being a bit jealous that he didn't get to do that.

But a man who felt like that would not be off at football all the time ibstead of coming home to his children.

This is about status - seeing the weaker position of a post partum woman, and taking full advantage of it.

It is about power and exploitation.

He clearly doesn't want to be at home. But the core of him sees that you are weaker now you have two children to care for, and that core is exploitative and sees this as an opportunity to take from you. Better men see it as an opportunity to care and show love.

I was paid 90% of my salary on mat leave (I only took 4 months) + my entire salary for 3 weeks on annual leave. So the 'earning' argument didn't really stack up. But you really can't quit work when you have a partner like this. My DH became a SAHD and I didn't consider it to mean I had a get out of all lifework free pass.

If these men think it is so easy, they are welcome to take some shared parental leave. It might mean a drop in income but they can do it for just one month if they like, that's financially manageable for many people. And it's a month of holidays and jollies! They should be champing at the bit to have the fun, stress-free job, no?

We didn't make any arrangement as such, but essentially it worked out that I did the bulk of the housework while DH was at work but in the evenings it was 50/50 - possibly slightly more Dh than me as he'd tend to get on with things while I bf. I did all the night feeds (bf). It felt fair to both of us (we both said more than once that we felt the other was doing too much!). I certainly had a lot more free time then than I do now that I'm back at work!