To ask how you split responsibilities on mat leave?

[Onthedowns]

Myself and DH at breaking point one of main factors is how I am doing everything around the house - except putting bins out! He will occasionally drop DD to school also. Also he says I should be doing all night feeds as 'that's what I am off work for' we have 7 month old DS who is crap sleeper started out premature in SCBU then horrendous reflux and cmpi. Just started to get under control , my DD who is 4 just started school. DS wakes anytime between 3:4 still and can take an hour sometimes more to go back to sleep tonight he woke 345 then sleep till 6. I haven't been able to sleep as he's been tossing and turning. I do this every night. DH has sales job does travel but no more than 2 hours each way and not usually very early starts. It's meetings and office based not manual work, although appreciate driving dangerous when tired. He is extremely busy so I try to do most things however I am extremely tired from constant waking and my sleep pattern is shot, I also have DD to think about. Wednesday DH left house at 7 got back at 7 then went straight to football training then home 2330 after training pub etc then complains of being tired. He plays football every Sunday morning also. Last Friday night he went for a drink with friends came home 130am! This was local also. I have DD to get ready etc too. My argument is he's tired as doesn't manage his time and through choice makes himself worse. Mine is sheer exhaustion of housework cooking cleaning washing shopping two kids . Any ideas?

[Onthedowns]

Thanks I can't really sleep with DS sleeps he's a crap napper too, but things done for my DD when she's home from school. Both kids had reflux so bad sleepers till older. I am not going to think about going back to work i haven't got a clue how it will work!

[Nanny0gg]

When I was as tired as you, I slept when the baby napped.

If that meant I was too tired to get DH dinner, or wash and iron his clothes, then so be it...

However my DH came home and did bath and bed, took his turn with dinner, cleared up if I cooked and ironed on weekends.

He didn't go out and leave me with the drudgery and I was a SAHM. How will it work when you go back to work?

[expatinscotland]

No, you talk to him. He kicks off, this tells you he's a manchild who doesn't want to change because he sees all lifework as women's work.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Semi leave. Go somewhere else with the baby for a few days, parents if that's an option? You'll have less shitwork to do and he'll lose his slave for a while.

[Onthedowns]

Thanks all things obviously need to change it's how!!

[LotisBlue]

Could sleep=co sleep

[LotisBlue]

I do the nights as ds is breastfed and we could sleep so it's not too awful. Dp gets up for work and gives both DC breakfast while I stay in bed.

When dp gets home again we split the work, dp usually does bath and bedtime as it's a chance to spend time with the DC.

[SandyY2K]

I have had this conversation but it inevitabley ends in arguments, I did the bulk of cooking etc before DC s

I could have said exactly these things when my DC were younger. My DH thought that paying all the bills, emptying the bins, doing the garden and DIY was his share.

I once suggested he got up to do night feeds on one weekend day, but he refused.

I think if I'd posted here all those years ago, I'd be divorced now. I left the house with my baby DC once because I'd had enough of it. It was only then he realised how serious I was.

[StinkyMcgrinky]

I'm currently on mat leave with 3month old DS2 and spend my days looking after him and 20month old DS1. While I'm at home with the boys I tend to do all the housework and childcare (my decision, DH tells me to leave the cleaning but I can't sit and look at a floor that needs hoovering) and when DH gets home at 5.30pm we split it 50/50. I get Saturday mornings to myself and he gets Sunday mornings to do what he likes.

Luckily DS2 has been a fairly decent sleeper from the start and we've usually had 2 night wakings, I would do the 2/3am feed and DH the 5/6am feed before work. Now DS only wakes once around 4am and DH feeds him and leaves me to sleep before getting up with two boys around 6.30am.

A friend of mine asked me how I had managed to "train him" so well, which I was quite taken a back by. He's not trained, he's a father and he wants to spend time with his children. I return to work in January and DH will be taking 3 months shared parental leave - I actually think it will be good for our relationship for both of us to have experienced parental leave

[Allthewaves]

To survive night wakening I used to go to bed at 7pm ish. When he was home (worked away) dh did late night feed before going to bed himself 10/11pm. Then I would deal with night issues. Weekends we took turns to lie in.

House was a bomb and just did he minimum. Then dh would help me clear up at weekend.

[PopsyDaisy2207]

When I was breast feeding I obviously did all the night feeds, but as soon as we moved onto the bottle it was 50/50. One night on, one night off. It really did save my sanity. All of my friends thought Inwas really lucky but why shouldn't he have done it?? I had the most difficult and most important job during the day so it was only fair I had my fair share of sleep too.
Had we have shared my leave I would've done the same for him.
In regards to cleaning etc. With my first I put myself under way to much pressure. I felt I had to earn my time off work. My second I didn't give a shit. If I didn't do a load of washing my husband would tut but would do it instead. My only regret is not adopting that attitude the first time round. 😂
Maybe I am lucky, but our children are OURS so we both should have some responsibility. Thats my opinion anyway 😊

[RolfsBabyGrand]

Yep sheba I realise now that he wanted me to "look after" him - that was my role in our relationship. Completely one sided. Yuck. He lives with the OW now, she doesn't work so can be his mummy - ideal!

[Solongtoshort]

I have a 11 month old and a 4 year old, my husband no lives somewhere else due to him attitude towards me whilst on at leave l Am sad to say he had no respect for me and we both have different ideas of support and how to parent.

[StarlingMurmuration]

While DP was out of the house working, I was wholly responsible for DS (not for cooking, cleaning, household crap etc, though I did get some stuff done). The rest of the time, including the night waking, we shared 50/50.

Why should the mother's life get turned upside down while the dad's goes on as normal? Both have become parents!

[Floridasunset]

Agree that when he is home you share jobs 50/50. You both have "jobs" one at home the other out of the home. You should also be getting equal breaks or time out of the house.
I'm on ML and do most of the cooking as I'm at home to do so. All of the washing because I like it to stay the correct size and colour. But DH will clean up after dinner and loves it if he is home in time to put DD to bed as he hasn't seen her all day.

You have to find a routine that is fair to both of you, which yours is definitely not

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Well Rolf, at least you now have only one whining baby to care for, and who is lovable.

[RolfsBabyGrand]

My partner gave very little help beyond his two weeks of paternity leave. I felt like a drudge. Continued after I went back to work. I was run ragged doing all childcare shopping cooking housework. Eventually I went on strike. Just cooked for me and baby etc. Partner responded by cheating on me. Now I'm a single parent, tiring but no longer full of resentment all the time about unfair share of work!

[scrumptiouscrumpets]

I do more housework than DP, which isn't much though. I do the absolute bare minimum to keep the house clean and presentable. I believe spending time with my DS, who is 2, and the baby is more important than a pristine house. Which is also the reason why I don't expect DP to do housework in the evening, so he does baths and bedtimes while I do the cooking and cleaning up as I go along. DP gets up before me in the mornings to give DS his breakfast, so I'm never rushed in the morning which is great.
At weekends, we split all housework and childcare equally.
As for nights, I sleep with the baby who is ebf, DP sleeps in the spare room and tends to all toddler wake-ups. At the moment, he's definitely got the worse deal, DS is an awful sleeper.
I don't think all housework needs to be split equally, as in "you do your washing and I'll do mine" , it needs to feel fair overall. Your DH's behaviour is awful and he really needs to change, this is the kind of behaviour that causes relationships to break down !

[MrsD28]

I'm also on maternity leave with four month old DS. Our division of labour is exactly the same as it was pre-pregnancy - I cook (because I am better at it), plan meals and shopping lists, do all laundry, and do all post/bills admin and filing; DH does dishes, bins and all general cleaning (kitchen, bathroom, floors etc). We do the grocery shopping together. In terms of childcare, when DH comes home he does all non-feeding childcare (DS is EBF and a very hungry baby!). For night wakings, he does nappy changes and any non-feeding soothing. Since DS still feeds quite a lot at night (and does not really nap during the day), I end up pretty short of sleep, so DH takes DS in the early mornings so I can get another hour or so.

As wise PPs have said: maternity leave is for bonding with your baby, not for doing housework. Your DH should want to bond with his baby as well!

[Funnyface1]

Your job is 24 hours a day, why should his be 9-5? You made the children together, you're a family, he should be helping you. My husband works shifts and still does as much as me when home. Always does school run if he's here so I don't have to take the baby out. I'd have a stern word, you deserve better.

[SittingAround1]

I totally agree with PP about sharing the housework/looking after children 50/50 when he's not at work.
My DH took 2 weeks off to look after our baby when I went back to work after maternity leave. I think he saw it as a bit of a holiday where he could relax and sit in the park etc. It was a massive shock for him.
I'd come home from work and he'd be exhausted and dinner was most def not cooked. Anyway as a result he thanked me for everything I'd done on maternity leave.
We used to do the nights in shifts (after bf was finished) and take it in turns for a lie-in at the weekends. We also each allowed a night a week to go out and do what we wanted.
I'd leave the house to get disorganised. If you're all going out together allocate him a child to get ready and you sit and relax until he gets it done. You could also throw things back onto him - like asking what are we having for dinner tomorrow it's your turn to cook? and we have no food can he go buy some. I'd become lazy when he's there (instead of having arguments).

[Puppymouse]

DH and I sort of tag teamed. I always did nights anyway as DD was EBF and in the day I would make sure the kitchen was left tidyish with dishwasher unloaded and washing up done etc. But he then did the bulk of the rest of the chores in the first few months. My SPD didn't go when DD was born so I needed a bit extra. But that wasn't with another child in the house obviously. It sounds like you're doing too much though

[DoinItFine]

We have arguments about football but he says it's his break!

So what's your break?

You are a person too, right?

I think you need to have the row.

Don't back down for a quiet life.

He is treating you like shit and there is no excuse for it.

[Masketti]

Looking after kids all day is working! It's not always feasible but let him do a week of paternity/maternity leave 24/7 and then have him tell you it's not bloody hard work! To add domestic chores which are tiring themselves into the mix is taking the piss. I go to work for a break! And I'm a senior manager with lots going on.