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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't let your child dump a playdate for a 'better offer'?

45 replies

MerryMarigold · 06/10/2016 11:34

So, arranged in Monday for dd's friend to come over after school today. She wanted to come on Mon but we were busy so I said how about Thur, friend's mum said great and dd would be over the following tue to theirs. Today before school dd comes up to my teary eyed abd dsis her friend is not coming anymore as she's going to another friend's house (in their little group of friends). I know friend 2's mum and she always arranges with the parent, so I'm assuming friend 1's mum asked child where she'd prefer to go instead of saying, you're already going to Merry's house. Just don't think it's on really. Dd will feel it. WWYD now, if anything?

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryMarigold · 06/10/2016 11:35

Sorry for mistakes! Oh, and dd is 7.

OP posts:
PotOfYoghurt · 06/10/2016 11:37

That's not on. How unkind.

user1474627704 · 06/10/2016 11:41

If they are 7, I wouldn't believe a word they said. Have you talked to the parent? If an adult hasn't cancelled it, I would assume its still on.

citychick · 06/10/2016 11:50

that's very poor show. sorry to hear that. your poor dc
you could grab bull by the horns and raise the subject with the mum.
or you could leave it for now and then raise your dcs disappointment at the last cancellation and suggest not getting wires crossed doublebooking and upsetting your child when you arrange your next play date

i really dislike this behaviour but sadly it happens a lot

hth

redskytonight · 06/10/2016 11:55

I'd also assume still on unless the parent has spoken to you. I expect it's most likely that the child has got confused with next Thursday or some entirely different occasion. The only time this might be acceptable was if the parent needed longer childcare suddenly e.g. an overnight and didn't feel they could/didn't want to ask you - but in that case you'd speak to the parent you already had arrangements with!!

redskytonight · 06/10/2016 12:01

Actually thinking about it ... the other child's mum has to speak to you if arrangements were changed. If I was expecting to pick a child up after school for a playdate, I wouldn't be leaving school without them, just because a 7 year old told me something different ...

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 06/10/2016 12:03

Phone the mum and tell her that your DD seems to think the playdate is called off, but that can't be right, can it?

If it is, then ask her why.

As others have said, if the DM does the arranging, then surely she'd let you know?

ExitPursuedBySpartacus · 06/10/2016 12:08

Definitely speak to the mum.

And no it is not on to dump someone for a better offer.

RiverTam · 06/10/2016 12:08

Why wouldn't you believe a 7 year old? I would want to get some confirmation but I doubt they'd get the bare bones wrong.

That's very unkind. I would contact parent to confirm. The parent may well have not been in touch because they're still thinking up an acceptable lie to get them out of this!

Linpinfinwin · 06/10/2016 12:10

Text the mum to check. Couldn't it just be a mistake - accidental double booking, other friend was booked first?

VioletBam · 06/10/2016 12:15

Agree not to take the child's word. Call the Mum and ask if it's still on. If it ISN'T still on then she's got a lot of manners to learn!

Some of the most basic social skills are missing here! I think these things are usually respected by most parents because we can all imagine how we would feel ourselves if our child was hurt like this.

I had to have a stern word to my 12 year old myself today as she was thinking of opting out of a planned sleepover because she "couldn;t be bothered" I told her that wasn't on at all as her mate was looking forward to it and she'd be fine when she got there.

It's mean.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 06/10/2016 12:37

I would speak to the first mum and pretend my DD must have got the wrong end of the stick. See what she says. If it's right than that's really shitty and I wouldn't be having that child again for a long time.

Manumission · 06/10/2016 12:53

7 year old girls are horrors. Hopefully the mum knows nothing about the 'change of plan' and won't allow it.

Magicpaintbrush · 06/10/2016 12:59

Don't take the word of a 7 year old about it, speak to the mother first, don't assume anything. Kids say all kinds of crap and even if the child has changed her mind about the playdate it doesn't actually mean that her mum is aware of any of this - she is probably still expecting her DD to see your child for the playdate as arranged. I'm actually quite surprised you haven't contacted the mother already to double check, that seems like the logical thing to do?

Cocochoco · 06/10/2016 13:07

Have none of you ever double-booked a play date? I have. I'd just check with the mum.

lalaloopyhead · 06/10/2016 13:08

I agree you need to check, I can't believe that anyone would leave their 7 year old daughter to pass on any message about changed plans. The other child may believe that she is going to other friends house but I bet the mother doesn't know anything about it.

storminabuttercup · 06/10/2016 13:10

Agree you need to check with the girls mum. If only so you don't leave the girl at school later

VioletBam · 06/10/2016 13:10

Coco no I never have. I never booked so many in that this would happen. Only a few per term.

BurningBridges · 06/10/2016 13:14

In my experience it happens a lot and not just at this age. If I make an arrangement with someone, I never cancel it without discussing it with them first and coming to an agreement. But I get people cancelling with no notice both on my kids and me - and mine are teenagers now - or when I say "oh which cafe shall we go to when we meet on x date" they say "no sorry can't make it been invited out somewhere nicer". Yes but you ALREADY HAVE AN ARRANGEMENT SO YOU HAVE TO SAY YOU CAN'T GO!!!

I remember one Mum turned up to a playdate that she had arranged (she chose the date, time and venue) with a different child that my DDs didn't know and then changed the activity plans on the spot to suit her. Why in gods name didn't she ring and cancel?! I keep thinking one day I'll have to turn up with some kid I meet in the street and say here you are - there's a child - now yours can play with him/her. And smile.

chattygranny · 06/10/2016 13:14

If it's a mistake (double booking) that's one thing though I'd expect the mother to call me. I was very strict about this when my kids were children and teenagers. Caused some almighty arguments but it established that you do not drop someone for a better offer. I hate it it even now when it happens to me, one friend in particular and in the end they miss out as you're going to invite someone reliable not someone flakey. I think it's a good value to implant young.

chattygranny · 06/10/2016 13:16

Burning Bridges we crossed and agree. I must say this peaked in the teens when people would not commit until half way through Saturday evening in case of a better offer, drove me mad! "Where am I taking you?" "Don't know yet!" Grrrr

lottieandmia · 06/10/2016 13:24

YANBU - I'd be fuming. What a bad example this mother has set for her child. I would never let my children do that - once you've made a commitment you stick to it unless there is an emergency. You don't hurt someone's feelings by showing them they aren't as important to you.

If I were you I would speak to this child's mum and tell her how upset your dd is that she got dumped at the last minute.

Saltedcaramel2016 · 06/10/2016 13:29

I don't think you can really know the situation until you have spoken to the mother. Just text or call saying something along the lines of

is xxxx still ok to come over after school tonight as there seems to be some confusion?

If she comes back saying plans have changed make sure she knows you are annoyed and that your daughter was upset.

CartwheelGirl · 06/10/2016 13:30

I wouldn't assume anything until I've talked to the friend's mum.

LagunaBubbles · 06/10/2016 13:33

Definetly check with Mum and see what she says.