This has been festering since the weekend so I have decided to seek the gentle wisdom of AIBU. Sorry it's a bit long, didn't want to drip-feed.
DS1 (16) wanted to bring his latest mate around, and I refused to allow it. DS1 was furious and thinks I am being petty. Perhaps I am, but here is my reason. This other boy used to live next door to us, only moved away less than a year ago, but while here he was particularly horrible to DS2. The boys all played together, but mainly this child and DS2, however if ever the boy was in trouble with his mother DS2 got the blame. The mother was the type who believed her angel could do no wrong, and never for a moment doubted his version of events. Her response was to very obviously treat DS2 nastily, such as excluding him from activities that DS1 and all the other neighbourhood children were invited to, calling her DC in whenever DS2 went out to play with them, and generally made it very clear she disliked him.
When I said I wouldn't discipline him for anything I did not believe he had done, she reported him to the school, for bullying her child at home. This led to the son taunting DS2 at school, e.g. taking things from his bag or hiding his shoes at gym, and saying "you can't touch me, or my mum will phone the school again!". DS1 was quite torn as the boy was nice to him but couldn't bear him being horrid to DS2. The boy knew exactly what buttons to press to get DS2 wound up (he suffers from anxiety) then complained of bullying if DS2 retaliated in any way, knowing his mother would back him all the way. I tried to speak to the mother about this but she refused to acknowledge her DS might be in any way to blame for anything that happened.
When the school said there was no action to take, the mother then called an anti-bullying helpline and gave them DS2's name and address because he was stressing them so much. She told me she had done this because whenever her own two DC were fighting and she intervened, they said it was because they were scared of DS2, even though at this stage they hardly saw each other any more. When I asked for details about what DS2 had done that she classed as bullying, she was very vague and just said they were worried about what he might to. She implied they weren't safe from him even though he had never actually done anything.
We eventually never spoke for about five years, (horrible in a small close-knit community setting) and then they moved away and it was bliss beyond belief not to have them anywhere near me again.
Only now, DS1 and this boy have become really friendly again, and all the memories of what a little shit he had been to DS2 came flooding back, and how the mother had behaved about it all. Neither DS1 nor DS2 know the half of what was said between the adults, or the real truth of why I fell out with the mother and eventually the whole family, and I don't want to have to justify myself to my son. A bit of a row ensued, and when DS1 kept asking why he couldn't come, I got really bad-tempered and reminded him of what he did to DS2, but DS1 just says that was years ago, he's not like that now. But DS2 still hates him, and I can't forget how he and the mother treated him. I was so glad to have them out of my life and even though the boy is older now he was still a complete shit. I just don't want him in my home ever again. I get upset and angry again just thinking about how DS2 was treated (and me, by association).
This won't go away, as he and DS1 are hanging around together quite a lot. I would never dictate DS1's friendships, however AIBU to think DS1 can see him anywhere else, just not in my house? Or do I need to get over myself?