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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want this boy in my home again?

103 replies

endlesslynamechanging · 05/10/2016 20:51

This has been festering since the weekend so I have decided to seek the gentle wisdom of AIBU. Sorry it's a bit long, didn't want to drip-feed.

DS1 (16) wanted to bring his latest mate around, and I refused to allow it. DS1 was furious and thinks I am being petty. Perhaps I am, but here is my reason. This other boy used to live next door to us, only moved away less than a year ago, but while here he was particularly horrible to DS2. The boys all played together, but mainly this child and DS2, however if ever the boy was in trouble with his mother DS2 got the blame. The mother was the type who believed her angel could do no wrong, and never for a moment doubted his version of events. Her response was to very obviously treat DS2 nastily, such as excluding him from activities that DS1 and all the other neighbourhood children were invited to, calling her DC in whenever DS2 went out to play with them, and generally made it very clear she disliked him.

When I said I wouldn't discipline him for anything I did not believe he had done, she reported him to the school, for bullying her child at home. This led to the son taunting DS2 at school, e.g. taking things from his bag or hiding his shoes at gym, and saying "you can't touch me, or my mum will phone the school again!". DS1 was quite torn as the boy was nice to him but couldn't bear him being horrid to DS2. The boy knew exactly what buttons to press to get DS2 wound up (he suffers from anxiety) then complained of bullying if DS2 retaliated in any way, knowing his mother would back him all the way. I tried to speak to the mother about this but she refused to acknowledge her DS might be in any way to blame for anything that happened.

When the school said there was no action to take, the mother then called an anti-bullying helpline and gave them DS2's name and address because he was stressing them so much. She told me she had done this because whenever her own two DC were fighting and she intervened, they said it was because they were scared of DS2, even though at this stage they hardly saw each other any more. When I asked for details about what DS2 had done that she classed as bullying, she was very vague and just said they were worried about what he might to. She implied they weren't safe from him even though he had never actually done anything.

We eventually never spoke for about five years, (horrible in a small close-knit community setting) and then they moved away and it was bliss beyond belief not to have them anywhere near me again.

Only now, DS1 and this boy have become really friendly again, and all the memories of what a little shit he had been to DS2 came flooding back, and how the mother had behaved about it all. Neither DS1 nor DS2 know the half of what was said between the adults, or the real truth of why I fell out with the mother and eventually the whole family, and I don't want to have to justify myself to my son. A bit of a row ensued, and when DS1 kept asking why he couldn't come, I got really bad-tempered and reminded him of what he did to DS2, but DS1 just says that was years ago, he's not like that now. But DS2 still hates him, and I can't forget how he and the mother treated him. I was so glad to have them out of my life and even though the boy is older now he was still a complete shit. I just don't want him in my home ever again. I get upset and angry again just thinking about how DS2 was treated (and me, by association).

This won't go away, as he and DS1 are hanging around together quite a lot. I would never dictate DS1's friendships, however AIBU to think DS1 can see him anywhere else, just not in my house? Or do I need to get over myself?

OP posts:
Shakirasma · 05/10/2016 21:56

YANBU. A person's home should be their sanctuary, where they can shut the door and enjoy respite from the outside world and its stresses.

Under no circumstances should DS2's sanctuary be defiled by bringing his childhood bully inside. If DS1 wants to see his friend there is a whole wide world outside of the home to do it.

Original poster
endlesslynamechanging · 05/10/2016 22:12

user1475440127 Flowers

I am sorry to read that a mad mother called Social Services on you. That must have been pretty traumatic. I guess I should at least be grateful this woman never went that far with me.

I am glad to see that most responses feel IANBU, but it seems I have to gear myself up to telling DS1 more than I really want to. There's an "inspirational" quote going round Facebook at the moment along the lines of "when you can tell your story without crying, you know you have healed". I'm just not sure I'm there yet.

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 05/10/2016 22:20

I think DS1 is old enough for you to explain what went on in the past.

It would be a good opportunity to talk about loyalty to others, and exercising judgement when choosing friends.

The lying, and manipulative provocation are dreadful. Your poor DS2.

Absolutely not. I wouldn't let him over my door, and nor would I let DS1 go to his house. Far too much risk of nasty allegations being made.

ScaredFuture99 · 05/10/2016 22:20

I would tell ds1 about the whole story.
He knows what has happened with the eyes of a child and onlly the bits he saw directly.
He is unlikely to have been able to make analysis of the situation like he would now at 16yo or like an adult would.

And I would also make it very clear that the safety of any person is the house is the most important thing. In this case, it's the one of ds2. No negociation on that.

MagikarpetRide · 05/10/2016 22:21

Unfortunately it seems you may have to go there. You don't have to go the full way, you could summarise it a hell of a lot. But it may help diffuse the tensions between you and DC1 when talking about this kid.

I don't think you can force the caring/loving thing between them though. I had a similar relationship with my sister who was more in your DC1s position. As we got older the more we were forced into roles the further apart we became. We were just two different people. Just keep trying to promote empathy Flowers

PersianCatLady · 05/10/2016 22:23

Any hint of previous behaviour he is banned
Personally I don't think she should allow him in the house at all.

If DS1 wants to see him elsewhere then the OP can't stop him but she doesn't have to allow him into her house.

ScaredFuture99 · 05/10/2016 22:23

There is something to discus abut whether people can change or not.

I would like to think that people can and do. But first you need to prove yourself.
Maybe a first step would be for that friend to prove himself trustworthy. What do you and your ds1 think would be the best sign to see if he has changed/would not be a bully anymore etc...?
What would look for to see friend is a bully to other people? Etc...

In effect, teaching him to choose his friends wisely whilst not closing the door completely iyswim

PersianCatLady · 05/10/2016 22:26

To me it sounds like DS1 might actually like this boy because of the upset it caused to DS2.

Is that a possibility?

Lynnm63 · 05/10/2016 22:42

Hell would freeze over before I'd let the little shit back in my house. I'd also be unbelievably disappointed in my dc1 if they took another child's side. I have two ds and whilst the eldest can be annoying to his little brother God help anyone else who picked on him.

JellyBelli · 05/10/2016 22:46

IDK what your DS1 sees in this kid, but you shoud protect your DS2 from him. Stand your ground.
Your DS1 can meet him elsewhere.

Original poster
endlesslynamechanging · 05/10/2016 22:50

That's a worrying thought, CatLady.

He's not really that type, but he is usually 'peace at any price'. He does like the other lad, and possibly sweeps the past under the carpet so he can justify hanging out with him.

But as PP have said, home should be a sanctuary and DS2 needs to feel that he is safe from this face from the past. So do I, to a degree, but as a grown-up I can rationalise it more easily that DS2 who has his anxiety to deal with on top of everything else.

It seesm that DS1 has to be a bit more mature about this.

OP posts:
MagikarpetRide · 05/10/2016 22:59

endless in fairness that's honestly how I see my sister now. I don't feel like she purposely was trying to hurt me when she befriended these people but she felt she could see good in them so forgot the bad. She also felt I needed to get over my anxiety problems and not being nt. It was too draining for her teenage brain.

One thing I learned as an adult though is that its hard to forgive when there's been no acceptance on the other persons part. Which means your DS2 is probably not in a place to forgive this boy. And being 16, this boy is possibly not in a place to accept his behaviour either. The best you can do is press upon DS1 how bad he'd feel if DS2 invited someone who'd been horrible to him over.

blankmind · 05/10/2016 23:00

Did DS1 take the other person's side against DS2 when he was being bullied, because if he didn't, he'd have been bullied too?

That's often a dynamic of bullying culture, people who defend other people from bullies are often the bullies' next target.

Counterpane · 05/10/2016 23:01

What lynnm63 said.

I would let your son know exactly what misery this 'friend' and his mother caused you and if that means bursting into tears then so be it.

I would also make it clear that the day the cunts moved out was up there in your Top Ten of Best Things That Have Ever Happened and that if he has a problem with telling this kid to fuck right off then you will be only too glad to!

Also add that, knowing the mother as you do, it will not be long before he is on the receiving end of her twattishness and he had better not come crying to you when, not if, it happens.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/10/2016 23:11

He'll no, him or his family would not be welcome in my home, which is also ds sanctury. Ds1 can see him away from the home, your home your rules. You need to be honest with ds1 about what went on.

Woody67 · 05/10/2016 23:18

There is absolutely no way I'd let him in my house under the circumstances you've described. I'd explain the whole story to DS1 and say that as a family we look out for each other (though my two boys are a bit like yours and DS1 has to be "encouraged" to look out for his brother, which is disappointing)!

Original poster
endlesslynamechanging · 05/10/2016 23:24

Did DS1 take the other person's side against DS2 when he was being bullied, because if he didn't, he'd have been bullied too?

I don't think so, blankmind. Without going into too much detail, a great deal of this is rooted in snobbery. The boy is from an "old family" who have fallen on hard times, but haven't forgotten who they are, if you see what I mean. The mother (and subsequently children) looked down on us, despite the fact that we were 'doing better' than them. The boy would tell my DC that he was superior and we were commoners, and his toys were better than theirs, etc. The old "don't get mad, get even" saying was split between my two: DS2 took this to heart, and would cry and get mad, where as DS1 just wanted to be his equal (presumably so he wouldn't be looked down on).

I suppose as he felt DS2 was holding him back socially, it was probably more to his liking to take the side of the one who he didn't want looking down on him.

OP posts:
Original poster
endlesslynamechanging · 05/10/2016 23:29

the day the cunts moved out was up there in your Top Ten of Best Things That Have Ever Happened

You better believe it was! I had Boney M playing "Hooray, hooray, it's a holi- holiday" rather loud on the day they left! Grin

OP posts:
Sunshineonacloudyday · 05/10/2016 23:45

If it was me I wouldn't have allowed my kids to play with them in the first place. I tell my girls they have to look out for one another and look after each other. She isn't a snob she is deluded and has no class about her. You should have kept DS1 away it's not hard to do.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 05/10/2016 23:54

The boy would tell my DC that he was superior and we were commoners, and his toys were better than theirs, etc. The old "don't get mad, get even" saying was split between my two: DS2 took this to heart, and would cry and get mad, where as DS1 just wanted to be his equal (presumably so he wouldn't be looked down on).

Reading this makes me feel so sad for your children what a horrible "friendship" if you call it that to be in. They were jealous of you and they took it out on your children. I would be having strong words with DS1 what is his perception of what a friendship is and where his loyalties lie.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 06/10/2016 00:00

Oh no, I wouldn't let that boy near my house if I were you!

At 16, I'd also tell DS1 straight. Tell him why. If he were my son I'd also say that he needs to also think of his brother, and be cautious around this boy. He needs to make his own decision about friendship ultimately. But you are there to protect your family.

Original poster
endlesslynamechanging · 06/10/2016 00:23

Thanks for all your responses.

I'll start gearing myself up to tell DS1 the whole truth, and that he needs to put his brother first. I may even show him this thread, as I think that would galvanise him more than anything I actually say.

OP posts:
senua · 06/10/2016 08:25

DD was bullied by a girl in Year7 - it was bad enough that I asked for her to be changed to a different class. Imagine my surprise when, a few years later, they became friends!
However if you now scroll on a few more years this person has now become a frenemy, the sort of person you put up with because the group puts up with her. No-one really likes her but somehow she's still there.

What's the group dynamic like for DS1?

BerylStreep · 06/10/2016 22:14

I must say that I had just had a similar thought before I read persiancatlady's post.

If your DS1 doesn't display any empathy or closeness towards DS2, do you think there was a possibility that the friend bullied / provoked because he was taking his cue from the annoyance / disdain that DS1 displayed towards DS2?

Horrible thought, but may be worth thinking about.

PersianCatLady · 06/10/2016 22:45

Horrible thought, but may be worth thinking about
TBH when the thought first crossed my mind I didn't know whether or not to post about it as I thought it might cause upset.

However then I thought that the OP had come here for our advice and by failing to mention my thoughts I was failing to give her all the advice I could.

In a way I am glad that I am not the only person who thought this but then I am sad that the situation has come to what it is.