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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want this boy in my home again?

103 replies

endlesslynamechanging · 05/10/2016 20:51

This has been festering since the weekend so I have decided to seek the gentle wisdom of AIBU. Sorry it's a bit long, didn't want to drip-feed.

DS1 (16) wanted to bring his latest mate around, and I refused to allow it. DS1 was furious and thinks I am being petty. Perhaps I am, but here is my reason. This other boy used to live next door to us, only moved away less than a year ago, but while here he was particularly horrible to DS2. The boys all played together, but mainly this child and DS2, however if ever the boy was in trouble with his mother DS2 got the blame. The mother was the type who believed her angel could do no wrong, and never for a moment doubted his version of events. Her response was to very obviously treat DS2 nastily, such as excluding him from activities that DS1 and all the other neighbourhood children were invited to, calling her DC in whenever DS2 went out to play with them, and generally made it very clear she disliked him.

When I said I wouldn't discipline him for anything I did not believe he had done, she reported him to the school, for bullying her child at home. This led to the son taunting DS2 at school, e.g. taking things from his bag or hiding his shoes at gym, and saying "you can't touch me, or my mum will phone the school again!". DS1 was quite torn as the boy was nice to him but couldn't bear him being horrid to DS2. The boy knew exactly what buttons to press to get DS2 wound up (he suffers from anxiety) then complained of bullying if DS2 retaliated in any way, knowing his mother would back him all the way. I tried to speak to the mother about this but she refused to acknowledge her DS might be in any way to blame for anything that happened.

When the school said there was no action to take, the mother then called an anti-bullying helpline and gave them DS2's name and address because he was stressing them so much. She told me she had done this because whenever her own two DC were fighting and she intervened, they said it was because they were scared of DS2, even though at this stage they hardly saw each other any more. When I asked for details about what DS2 had done that she classed as bullying, she was very vague and just said they were worried about what he might to. She implied they weren't safe from him even though he had never actually done anything.

We eventually never spoke for about five years, (horrible in a small close-knit community setting) and then they moved away and it was bliss beyond belief not to have them anywhere near me again.

Only now, DS1 and this boy have become really friendly again, and all the memories of what a little shit he had been to DS2 came flooding back, and how the mother had behaved about it all. Neither DS1 nor DS2 know the half of what was said between the adults, or the real truth of why I fell out with the mother and eventually the whole family, and I don't want to have to justify myself to my son. A bit of a row ensued, and when DS1 kept asking why he couldn't come, I got really bad-tempered and reminded him of what he did to DS2, but DS1 just says that was years ago, he's not like that now. But DS2 still hates him, and I can't forget how he and the mother treated him. I was so glad to have them out of my life and even though the boy is older now he was still a complete shit. I just don't want him in my home ever again. I get upset and angry again just thinking about how DS2 was treated (and me, by association).

This won't go away, as he and DS1 are hanging around together quite a lot. I would never dictate DS1's friendships, however AIBU to think DS1 can see him anywhere else, just not in my house? Or do I need to get over myself?

OP posts:

dowhatnow · 07/10/2016 08:52

I keep swinging this way and that on this thread. LongLost does have a point but then it was a small boy retaliating after being tormented.

Is ds1 normally sensible and make good decisions? Personally I'd go with the "I'm trust you to make your own mind up about him but there is too much history between our families so I would prefer the friendship to be conducted away from our house"

bruffin · 07/10/2016 08:53

Loobyloo1234
Agree

Olympiathequeen · 07/10/2016 08:54

DS1 has to suck it up. This child should not be allowed into your house because one child's needs/wishes should not be allowed to cause problems for the other.

Keep the status quo and ban him.

Boomerwang · 07/10/2016 08:55

longlost are you the sort who says a woman suffering abuse for years who then takes a knife to her abuser one time should also suffer the full force of the law whilst the abuser's behaviour is ignored?

Olympiathequeen · 07/10/2016 08:59

I feel sympathy for DS1 as it's clear he is struggling to make sure he stays fitting in with the main crowd. It's a very difficult age but one day he will be his own person. It is right to explain all the issues to him in an adult way.

Longlost10 · 07/10/2016 09:00

Longlost10 But he didn't have stones thrown at him, he had them thrown at his skateboard - and before you say that that's just semantics, targeting an inanimate object is very different to targeting a person.

so you think the boy was in the diametrically opposite direction to his skateboard?? I suspect the OP is the one playing with semantics.

Longlost10 · 07/10/2016 09:02

longlost are you the sort who says a woman suffering abuse for years who then takes a knife to her abuser one time should also suffer the full force of the law whilst the abuser's behaviour is ignored?

Boomerang, are you the sort who says a violent abuser should not suffer the full force of the law because "she verbally provoked him"?

Longlost10 · 07/10/2016 09:05

anyway, I think we are getting a highly edited, very skewed, incredibly one sided account of what went on here, quite normal for MN, of course, but more alarming in this sense, as the OP appears to believe her own propaganda....

I would have sympathy for DS1

I would also suggest very strongly that if DS1 keeps this friendship up, he keeps his friend well out of sight and ear shot of his mother.

RB68 · 07/10/2016 09:07

your house your rules and if he was bullying DS2 and likely to continue then nope not in my house and I would be very clear why. Utter Bully in my view, you can nit pick on details but from what I have seen here its classic

margewiththebluehair · 07/10/2016 09:09

You have every right to dictate his friendships. He is not an adult yet.

You should lecture DS1 on family loyalty.

For all you know it was your DS1 plotting with the boy against DS2 the whole time. It sounds like this other boy is a bit of sociopath and perhaps your DS1 along with him - separate the two. When two mean kids get together- there is no end to the evil they can imagine together.

Boomerwang · 07/10/2016 09:10

longlost no, I'm not. What a curious question? I've made my stance clear already. The violent abuser is wholly to blame.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 07/10/2016 09:12

oh for goodness sake Longlost. The OP's son threw one stone at his bully's skateboard after being cruelly taunted and laughed at by a group of kids - I know which morals I'd rather my DCs had and it's not those of the group of nasty laughing kids.

bruffin · 07/10/2016 09:13

Longlost
I always look for the otherside of the story on Mumsnet. I know all too well that there are two sides to a story ( i have had flack on mn for doing that),but unless in this case you are actually involved in real life i cant see where you are getting your "suspicions" from. You just seem to have a very skew whiffed view on bullying

Iamthinking · 07/10/2016 10:06

As a side issue - Way back in the day when these boys were at primary, this should never have become an issue between the parents. It should have been passed back immediately to the school to deal with. A good school would have sorted this out without the emotional involvement that the mums have. The school would have been able to get both points of view and hopefully both boys would have gained some perspective and understanding to get over the problems they were having at the time and you mums wouldn't have needed to come to loggerheads with each other.

Parents need to learn to support and love their kids at home, but not get in down and dirty in every detail of the fight. Back off, don't get involved.

No advice for now though, but this is my lesson learned from my kids' primary school days.

MagikarpetRide · 07/10/2016 10:25

Well today I've learnt that you can be be bullied for years, but the moment you react you become the perpetrator and the bully is an innocent victim.

And there I was thinking its completely possible to be a bully/abuser and a victim of an assault

MrsLupo · 07/10/2016 10:42

Italiangreyhound I don't think there is any sane comparison between verbal bullying by primary aged children and a physical assault by one adult on another on such a scale that the perpetrator is sent to prison. The reality is that kids of that age often move beyond the bullying and do go on to salvage friendships out of something that started badly. In my experience, this is often much harder for the adults to get their heads round than the children. Of course, it doesn't always happen - maybe the bully doesn't change or the victim is too traumatised - but the OP can't know how which way things will go as long as she bans the friend from the house. I'm just saying how I would handle it. It sounds as though most people here would rather 'give a dog a bad name and hang it', which is their prerogative, of course. I do understand the urge to protect children and make the home a sanctuary, and if the bullying were ongoing or recent I would take that line myself - and have for my own children on occasion.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 07/10/2016 10:44

so you think the boy was in the diametrically opposite direction to his skateboard??

What made you think that I meant that Longlost? Are you OK ?

Atenco · 07/10/2016 12:55

Well children change and often for the better.

My dd, as a child, was really mean to another child one summer, but the difference is that I tried to teach her to be kind and that it is wrong to act like that. That does not seem to be the education this young man received from his mother.

TheNoodlesIncident · 07/10/2016 13:30

DS2 was a liability at school, as he was socially awkward due to his anxiety. He has been through CAHMS assessments for possible ADHD and ASD, and although he has a lot of traits, they're not enough for a diagnosis

Your ds2 is anxious, socially awkward, was assessed for ADHD/ASD, and he is being painted as A PERPETRATOR for throwing stones at his tormentor's skateboard???

I am speechless Poor DS2....

MyPeriodFeatures · 07/10/2016 15:38

Honestly? 5 years has passed, things change and 5 years in a child's life is a very long time.

I'd be on it like a hawk and I'd be making it very clear to all that no bullying will be tolerated.

Mainly because, at 16 children's social worlds are more independent of family and is want to keep and eye. Much easier at home. It's a tough one though.

To be honest I found this really hard to follow so may have missed something. It all sounds exhausting though OP. I don't blame you for wanting to keep this family as far away as possible.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 07/10/2016 16:36

The only person served by this is the former bully!
In a lot of ways, this isn't about the former bully at all. The OP wouldn't be having this issue if DS1 wasn't friends with the former bully and wanted to spend time with him.
That's why I think the OP should be focusing on the relationship between her DCs. DS1 isn't going to see this as the OP taking a stance against a bully (from 5 years ago). He's going to see it as OP banning his friend from the house because of DS2.
And, we don't actually know how DS2 feels about it or why DS1 and DS2 were on opposite sides on this issue. I think it's worth exploring all those issues because the OP, DS1 and DS2 need to live together so they should at least understand and respect each other's positions.

Italiangreyhound · 07/10/2016 19:46

MrsLupa I don't think an adult attack is the same as childhood bullying generally and legally, yes, they are not the same. But are they similar to a child? One attacker of a similar age/ one incident (I am not necessarily thinking a sexual attack at all 'just' an assault - is it not normal to ve put in jail for that? Anyway, that verses multiple verble attacks/multiple abusers perhaps. Is it the same to an adult, is it the same to the child it happened to? We tend to think children are very resilient. I am not sure they necessarily are.

My view would be to weigh up the benefits verses the detriments. Ds1 gets his friend to come to the house verses ds2 does not feel safe in own home when boy visits (maybe).

Let this boy prove he has changed. a letter or email of apologiy maybe. But still, for me, if this was systematic bullying, it should not be minimized, IMHO.

Italiangreyhound · 07/10/2016 19:48

couch could they explore these issues without the former bully?

Italiangreyhound · 07/10/2016 19:52

Longlost how canyoi know that we are getting an edited version.why feel sorry for DS1? I am not sure why you think the former bully needs to be kept away from OP, but if so, not visiting their house is an excellent start.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 07/10/2016 19:55

Italian the bully wouldn't be involved in the discussions. But, as a family they haven't dealt with the issues or the OP wouldn't be posting on here.

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