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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to thing a woman is over 35 earns enough to be a bread winner had no reason to marry?

126 replies

FlourishingMrs · 02/10/2016 19:25

Just wondered in this day and age, unless you aspire to be A Stay at home mum/zap rent there is no reason to marry, you could just enjoy living together with you DP and provide the happiest home for you and the kids. That way if it all goes wrong your kids are not disadvantaged. Unless one is religious of course?

OP posts:
Original poster
FlourishingMrs · 02/10/2016 19:27

Sorry, meant to say, has no reason to marry?

OP posts:
reup · 02/10/2016 19:27

Why would children of divorced parents be more disadvantaged than children of parents that live together then split up?

PhoebeGeebee · 02/10/2016 19:27

Why would a child only be disadvantaged if you got divorced and not just split?

instantly · 02/10/2016 19:28

Not being married won't make any difference to your kids if you're breaking up a long term relationship.

To the kids, it's the same

MrsMook · 02/10/2016 19:28

Being next of kin is a good reason to be married.

Discobabe · 02/10/2016 19:28

Of course your kids are disadvantaged if it all goes wrong. They lose a parent whether you're married or not.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 02/10/2016 19:31

Don't agree with your logic.

MsMermaid · 02/10/2016 19:31

How are they disadvantaged if you are married and then divorce?

I honestly don't know what real advantages I gained when we got married. It seems like dh got the advantages in that he now automatically gets half my pension if I die first and could claim some of it if we divorced.

But yes, if you share housing costs, both earn fairly equally, etc, then I don't think marriage adds much in the way of legal rights, but I'm happy to be corrected.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 02/10/2016 19:32

I wasn't married to my ex. Still had an awful split and coming up to a years worth of family court hearings, so not being married hasn't given my son an advantage.

I don't think I would get married though, even if I had another child. I just can't imagine spending my entire life with someone.

SoozeyHoozey · 02/10/2016 19:32

Why is the over 35 bit relevant?

LivininaBox · 02/10/2016 19:33

Yes YABU. There are lots of reasons to get married. Some pension schemes only recognise a husband /wife, not an unmarried partner. A partner is not legally next of kin which can cause problems if say your partner is in a serious accident. If you are widowed you may get help from the state if you are married. And finally some people actually want to get married, to demonstrate their commitment. Obvs if you don't want to get married then don't, but you are wrong to say there is No reason.

JellyWitch · 02/10/2016 19:33

For me: I got married to ensure my husband would be entitled to my pension if anything happened to me, that we were each other's next of kin. As well as because we wanted to publicly make a promise to commit to one another.

talllikejerryhall · 02/10/2016 19:36

This thread title makes zero sense

Fairylea · 02/10/2016 19:37

Being a single parent or being divorced doesn't carry the stigma it once did. Children are not disadvantaged because they come from a divorced family. If the parents are amicable and remain good parents those children will grow up with as much love, support snd opportunity as any other child.

I have been married twice. I wanted to be married because although I am not religious being married means something to me. It is a sign of commitment and is sort of like making a pledge for the future. Yes ironic being that my first marriage didn't work out (he cheated and left) but I believe in fairytales and am an optimist! Grin

StealthPolarBear · 02/10/2016 19:38

For commitment

MrsBernardBlack · 02/10/2016 19:38

How old are you OP? You sound about 17, your arguments are so simplistic. You seem to understand nothing about the implications of having a family, and entering into other emotional, practical and financial arrangements with another person.

spacefrog35 · 02/10/2016 19:38
Confused

Apart from anything else how about getting married ' because you want to'?

YelloDraw · 02/10/2016 19:38

Until there is a way for women not to take time out of work for giving birth, they will always be disadvantaged as compared to the male partner in terms of their career.

That is a reason to marry. Assuming you both have similar earning potential.

thecolonelbumminganugget · 02/10/2016 19:38

34, getting married next year, I earn far more then DP. We're getting married because we love each other and we want to. Both feel like good enough reasons to us, although maybe at 1 minute past midnight on my 35th birthday I will suddenly cast of my engagement ring after seeing the light.

PotteringAlong · 02/10/2016 19:40

If your partner dies you might be disadvantaged if you are single rather than married...

Discobabe · 02/10/2016 19:40

Exactly spacefrog. Imagine if you married for love Shock

Fairylea · 02/10/2016 19:42

Also, you can be the breadwinner and have the career (as I was and did before dc) and have the intention of returning to work quickly and then you can have the most awful pregnancy and birth and find yourself unable to return either as quickly or at all. Life isn't always as black and white as it could be. I nearly died during my first pregnancy. It killed my career, it's fine because it's just one of those things and obviously I love dd to bits (she's a teen now) but if I had been married at the time I would have become sahm by default. (As it happened that was when dh and I split up).

BurnTheBlackSuit · 02/10/2016 19:43

Livininabox is right. Marriage is a legal document to say you are together. Many pension schemes, death in service benefits etc are only automatic if you have this legal commitment. How do they know if your relationship is serious or not otherwise?

I felt so sad for those who used to call me up to say their partner had died and were having a nightmare trying to unsuccessfully trying to sort out financials. Or worse, were being denied things. All because they weren't married.

The most heartbreaking was the man whose husband to be had died suddenly shortly before their wedding. This was only just after civil partnerships had become law. They had been unable to marry because of the law, and then when the law changed and they were able to marry, one of them died, and the other was then unable to have the spouses pension etc despite the fact they had been together about 20 years. I think the Trustees relented and agreed to pay it eventually.

Beebeeeight · 02/10/2016 19:43

The 'Next of kin' line always gets trotted out in threads like this and it's so frustrating!

There is no such thing as legal next of kin.

Power of attorney is very important and everyone should sort it out so they can nominate someone (anyone) to make decisions about them if they become incapacitated.

The advantages to DCs to have unmarried parents who split when the mum is the breadwinner is that they can stay in their own home forever. It isn't owned by someone else who can stop paying the mortgage when they are 18.

Marriage is not a wise financial move for any financially independent woman.

Discobabe · 02/10/2016 19:49

likewise it must be a bad move for any financially independent man too then?

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