Dh gets a break away. My break is...

[ComproMyWayOrTheHighway]

'I'll take our ds away so I can watch (competitive sport Dh likes) and you can stay and have your break at home'.

No. Just no.

For background Dh works hard and we haven't had a break together for a couple of years. Child together of 3.
Since ds was born I have had zero time to myself. Partly because ds was a pain to settle partly because I don't know many people where we live or we have gone away as a family. Family holidays have entailed Dh doing some stuff he enjoys or meeting up with people while I provide childcare. Think caravan holiday type situations where mums used to get stuck doing everything while dad has a break.

He has been away with work on a jolly for a few days recently. Hotel. Meals. Networking. Prior to that he's had time away from ds while I visited family for 3 weeks (not a holiday i know but we moved miles away to his country and me visiting parents is part of the deal).
He's going away again alone leaving me for 5 days so he can see his sport he likes.

I said that this is fine. I've never stopped anything but said I will also be taking a break. I have asked for a weekend on my own somewhere as I'm tired and have had no downtime in three years (sahm) planning to go back to work but need to organise and update cv etc. I have said I'll do this while I'm away.

He has offered instead that he goes on another jaunt to watch this sport but takes our child. So he gets something fun with child and I get my space.

Aibu to think sod off. I don't want to just sit in the house I see every day and clean while he gets another trip and hotel and food etc. And if he's not planning on staying away and just being out of the house for the weekend and bringing our child home each evening then isn't that missing the bloody point entirely?

How can your DH afford to keep going off to all these sporting events, but can't then afford for you to go anywhere? Travel, tickets, somewhere to stay and food all adds up.

No don't hate yourself. You're feeling low and trapped. It wasn't intentional. You've apologised. Move forward.

Me time with the cats ffs. He needs a kick up the arse - or elsewhere.

I'm the nicest possible way op I sort of agree with Three

I know you are a bit stuck financially and that doesnt help when you don't know anyone close to you. Is your husband a different culture to you?

I couldn't have dumped him in there earlier as I couldn't work. Not I didn't want to. I couldn't.
I wasn't able to.
I had no working capabilities.
Pnd and working in my field would not have worked anyway. 😂

Anyway he's going to nursery soon. Hopefully he will enjoy that. I am being productive. I worked hard to get paperwork and skills assessment completed which means I'm employable. No help from my dh. It's a technical role and I needed accreditation over here before I could work.

I'll get the final application letters etc ready while I'm away on a weekend away from childcare. I needed a whine. I don't whine in real life. Only the cat hears this self oblessed drivel. And now you lot. Sorry.
Thanks for your help. Saved counselling.

Why can't you do it in the evenings?

I think we all do this OP- you're making it into a big thing because going back to work and changing your life is big and scary. But CVs and applying for jobs- they're just little things. Don't tell yourself you need a whole weekend without childcare- all you're doing is putting it off

Ok look:

1. ask for the internet banking details so you can take back the reins of finances and see where your money is going. No excuses for that one.
2. get a banking card that actually let's you book your own bloody weekend away.
3. phone tomorrow to find out the real price of preschool. He is virtually ready for nursery. It may be very cheap!
4. start applying for jobs when he is in preschool. You need preschool to get this time alone as your dh is 'busy'
5. tell dh the night business project needs to be put on hold until you have sorted out a job for you. You can't waste your life away indefinitely. That will focus his mind on you. It should take max three moths to get that bit sorted.
6. you are depressed. You know that. You need antidepressants. Go get your head I. A better place so you can get out of the shit mire once and for all

By the way I am massively sympathetic as I have almost exactly the same circumstances and you do feel really helpless at times and it is totally normal to need to let it out. Dh has been away 8 days in a row now leaving me with 8 month and 4yo so I know how lovely it gets. What helps me is good friendships with children of same age to do things with so I don't feel like I'm invisible, a dh who applauds me when I find the odd bit of English teaching work and wants me to build on it, nursery school for eldest (which was amazing when baby wasn't around. I got my life back!) and wine!

This is so messy!

Op you seem to have fixated on the idea that time out/time away will be the cure all for all the problems in your life. You do need and deserve a break but you will still come back to having to face your difficulties.

You and dp don't sound very suited and from what you've said it doesn't sound like you'll be together long term. You want different things. That's ok and maybe shared custody is the best long term solution to your need for time out.

Get on with finding ft work and plan for being financially independent.

You may think that it was for the best not 'dumping your DC in daycare' but it hasn't benefitted your DC to live in such a toxic home environment. He will be picking up on the discord between his parents.

You've answered my question about 'how you have let this happen' - youve put your DH first, your DS and completely ignored yourself and your needs thinking you were doing the right thing and it's turned out that it's not been reciprocated by your DH.
Stop blaming yourself for god sake and stop giving him all this - stand up for your needs, get some independence and take bsck the control over your life.
You really must take back control of your finances, find hobbies and friends - lots of counties have expat groups you can join and work on getting back to work. If he doesn't support you in all this please leave him as to be honest he sounds like an arse.

Yes, I don't understand the finances bit. You must have a bank card and so on?

I think Penhacked's advice is spot on. Stop waiting for permission to do things. Tell DH what you are doing rather than ask. So for example, I am away next week (an annual commitment which is known about well in advance). While I'm away, DH has a work thing which came up later - when it was added to the calendar, I said, "Don't forget I'm away so you'll need to sort out a baby sitter for DS." Just plan your weekend, tell him when it'll be and leave the rest up to him!

I think this will only change when you have your own cash unfortunately. Although once when a had a semi similar argument with DH, I told him he could take the DCs away on holiday by himself and I would be glad of the break at home by myself.

It was when I said that unless he took some time off for the DC during school holiday, that I wasn't going away with them and I said I didn't want to do all the cooking while on holiday, otherwise it was pointless doing the same old same, just in another location.

His response to me was...... wait for it ..... "Well how much of a break would it be for me who never does the cooking, to have to do it on holiday"

You can't make it up honestly. Anyway, the idea of going away with them on his own must have been awful, so he took a week off work in the holidays and we ate out more on the holiday. I would have had a lot of peace at home, but I have family and friends close by and I see you don't.

Your H sounds very selfish. You certainly don't have equal leisure time.

Returning to work could be a good thing, whatever you decide about your relationship.

Take that time away, and don't use it to update your CV! That could be done in the evenings. You can't control what your H does with DS during the time you're away, or how much money he spends, but it will be a break for you.

If you do return to work it doesn't sound like your H will do more at home/for DS: is that right?

I did have pnd and took antidepressants which I stopped a year ago. I worry I'll slip back into misery

You are already there. I think you need to see your GP (and talk to your DH so that he knows exactly how you feel)

He's stopping you doing what you want, dictating to you, and he's allowed to treat you like a non equal.

Nursery is the light at the end of the tunnel - then you will have some time. If you are returning to work, however, nursery hours are likely to need supplementing. I think you need to get your DH ready for your return to work. Just tell him you are going away for the weekend and go - surely you have enough for 1 or 2 nights away. It sounds like you are waiting for his permission to change things - that will not happen if the current set up suits him. Why can't you use the car?

I think you are directing all your anger, disappointment at the life you have, DH (who has it all). I am not saying he doesn't have many flaws.

Things are how they are with raising DCs. Especially if DH is the type of man who sees himself as the breadwinner, and only the breadwinner ie he is doing his bit so can't get why you aren't happy with yours.

You cannot order him to change you have to change yourself. I think you need to sit down and write down what would make you happy and prioritise them.

I would also say you are depressed as you feel trapped - by society (you can't dump DS in nursery), by your DH's attitudes, and by finances.

What do you really want most - career, friends, write a novel, earn more than dh, be honest? The anger at DH is stopping you from thinking straight and making plans for the future.

I was depressed in the past and it was because it looked like I 'had it all', anyone I spoke to was full of envy. In fact I was lonely as hell, sad at my failures, lost as to what to do to fix it. And had a totally blinkered DH who couldn't get that everything wasn't rosy for me as it was for him (dream job, loooooong hours, good money).

I think you've had some really good advice here already Op so I'll just add my own thoughts on your posts.

You sound as though you have got stuck in a negative cycle of thinking which is easy to do when your mood is low and you spend too much time in your own company. What is apparent is that you are putting up blocks to solutions being offered by others. And I agree a Spa weekend is not going to solve anything long term

You mention you are getting counselling, it sounds to me like CBT would be very helpful as it is a problem solving approach and helps you to re frame your thinking. I'm not sure what type of counselling you are getting but maybe something more CBT based might improve things?

I have no idea why posters are blaming you for not working before now when you've said you couldn't due to the country move. I guess some people can't see beyond their own situations (I've been the trailing spouse, so I know how tough it is to not be able to work till you get residency/permits/etc, and I didn't even have a child, so had lots of people assuming I was lazy etc).

YANBU at all to insist on equal breaks to those your husband takes.

I do agree with the other posters who say in addition to that you need to change the dynamic/get your own life back.

Good advice from others, truly.

1. Stop using the word 'dumped'.
2. Don't write off counselling. You will get the comfort that you are craving. You will get clarity in a complex situation. You can unpick emotions from reality. You WILL find hope.
3. You need to find a way to effectively communicate with your husband. He really needs to learn to listen. Things will never improve otherwise. It will just spiral down.
4. There's more but I'm zzzzzzz.

Good luck :)

I've been to counselling for pnd. It wasn't very helpful. They said you need to go to work. You eed a car etc and wouldn't listen when I said we couldn't afford for childcare or holidays as we'd spent thousands moving. Wouldn't listen when I said I can't just 'go back to work'.

My aibu was about equal alone time. No I don't need a whole weekend to do a cv. I just want time alone so I can unwind and organise my thoughts. I'm anxious and trying to get some clarity. I'm under no illusion it wI'll not fix things but it'll make me feel better knowing I'm getting a break.

I won't be returning to the gp for antidepressants. I'm miserable at this moment in time but medication won't fix anything and it's got to be me. I have friends visiting before the end of the year which is exciting and I'll be organising time out with them alone.

My head hurts. I've appreciated all responses.

How much is his weekend away costing?

You are right to be feeling down. Don't give up demanding respect from someone who is not prepared to consider your needs.

Make sure you get your break

I agree that asking permission isn't a good thing because it places one person in the driving seat, having perception of total control, with the other person ( in the parnership , which is what relationships should be!) subservient.

Equally,announcing unilaterally "this is what I'm going to do" makes it seem like they are working against each other, and feels tit for tat.

Ideally it should be "let's sit down and talk about breaks/holidays, so we both get quality leisure time, even if we can afford to do it together, so we can find a way of making it fair on both of us and the DC"

Currently the balance of power in your relationship is skewed against you OP. You come across as angry, frustrated and resentful, and it is entirely understandable with the current set up in your relationship.

Make the change you want to see!!

OP from your avoidance of the questions, it sounds like you have no access to money and no real knowledge of the family income. Why? Do you get given pocket money for the week? How do you know you can't afford preschool? He goes away for his hobby fairly often, he must have disposable income, but you don't seem to have a penny to spare?