Dh gets a break away. My break is...

[ComproMyWayOrTheHighway]

'I'll take our ds away so I can watch (competitive sport Dh likes) and you can stay and have your break at home'.

No. Just no.

For background Dh works hard and we haven't had a break together for a couple of years. Child together of 3.
Since ds was born I have had zero time to myself. Partly because ds was a pain to settle partly because I don't know many people where we live or we have gone away as a family. Family holidays have entailed Dh doing some stuff he enjoys or meeting up with people while I provide childcare. Think caravan holiday type situations where mums used to get stuck doing everything while dad has a break.

He has been away with work on a jolly for a few days recently. Hotel. Meals. Networking. Prior to that he's had time away from ds while I visited family for 3 weeks (not a holiday i know but we moved miles away to his country and me visiting parents is part of the deal).
He's going away again alone leaving me for 5 days so he can see his sport he likes.

I said that this is fine. I've never stopped anything but said I will also be taking a break. I have asked for a weekend on my own somewhere as I'm tired and have had no downtime in three years (sahm) planning to go back to work but need to organise and update cv etc. I have said I'll do this while I'm away.

He has offered instead that he goes on another jaunt to watch this sport but takes our child. So he gets something fun with child and I get my space.

Aibu to think sod off. I don't want to just sit in the house I see every day and clean while he gets another trip and hotel and food etc. And if he's not planning on staying away and just being out of the house for the weekend and bringing our child home each evening then isn't that missing the bloody point entirely?

I would say the problem is partly that you don't know what you want to do.

I can't help feeling that sitting at home drinking cocktails, then going to a spa on your own will not live up to your expectations.

You resent him as he doesn't acknowledge what you have /are giving up to do his project.

You will probably say you can't afford it but a few sessions with a counselor to talk openly and focus your mind on what you DO want might be a quick solution.
A hobby that actually interests you/ you enjoy. That you enjoy enough to leave the housework and put your happiness enjoyment first. You need to get out even if it is walking groups with baby in a stroller or anything else you can take baby to and meet people.

Are the child minding regulations as strict where you are.
Can you get a babysitter a day a week and that be your day to work on CV/ have free time?

Maybe 'dumping' your son in childcare would have enabled you to work, given you some independence and self esteem, made for a more equal partnership and avoided this whole sorry mess. Many parents think of the bigger longer term picture, ''dump' their DC in childcare and don't end up feeling depressed, bored and sick of themselves. Somethings gone sadly wrong somewhere.
Staying at home doesn't always equate to putting your child first.
You absolutely deserve a break and your DH sounds like an arse. But I object to that turn of phrase. Or did it originate from your husband?

He's a selfish bastard, if my husband even dared mention my 'productivity' he'd be told where to shove it

It sounds like you've got used to picking up the crap and enabling his 'project', time away etc - so now it's time to take the power back, just decide what's going to happen in the same way he does. Assume he'll pick up the slack the way he assumes you will

I have my doubts about this "project". Remember the novel Gwyneth Paltrow's DP was allegedly writing in Sliding Doors?

Have you looked at his browser history? Would you know enough about the project itself or IT to see what kind of progress he's made?

Sounds to me like it's not your productivity that should be under scrutiny here....

I won't be at home drinking cocktails then going to a spa. The idea was just some actual space away. I can't think straight sitting here day in day out.

Dh doesn't get in from work until after 6 so any hobbies are very limited
Plus we can not afford daycare while I lounge around or do.a hobby. He'll argue that he needs equal hobby time and when will that occur? I wanted weekends doing family things. I want a meaningful job and propose. Ds is 3 so can't be put in a pushchair and wheeled about. Weekends invlove Ds sat with TV on and toys in the study while Dh works on his project.

I want time away on my own to really clear my head. Counselling will just say he needs to prioritise family and we need hobbies but our life doesn't fit into those neat little boxes. We need this project to be able to buy a house or me to be at work full time. I can't easily work. We need to organise childcare. No disposable income until I go to work then the plan is my wages go into saving for a house.

I'm just bored. I need time to pull myself around in order to really get going job hunting. It involves lots of research and refresher study in my field. I really can't be depressed going back to work. Plus I want to have a think about my life and future.

Counselling can't do that for me. Plus when would we fit it in?

There seem to be some inconsistencies in what you're saying- first you're saying you can't work in the current country, and now you;re saying you can leave your DH and work in the country and out-earn him? Which is the case?

Also, I'm slightly struggling to understand why it takes so long to update a CV. It takes a couple of hours.

Re. Well I put my child first so not dumping him in daycare, well done for that. You just insulted half of MN, What I'd say, as a working mother is that it's not me with no money to do anything and no options is it? So maybe think about that and decide what you can actually do to change your situation because if you keep doing what you're doing, you're going to keep getting what you're getting

I couldn't have gone back to work any earlier so yes it was a poor turn of phrase but it would have meant just putting him in daycare while I essentially did nothing.

I wanted to be a shame and am not annoyed about that. I'm annoyed that Dh goes away for his hobby. I get told to have 'me time' with the cats. 🤐

Op I was going to offer to look through your CV for you to get you kick started but then I read that you think I don't put my child first because I'll 'dump him in childcare'.

Without wanting to derail the thread, that's not a very nice thing to say to the people you've turned to for help.

Stand up for yourself. Stop doing things for him if he doesn't pull his weight at home. Get access to the finances so you at least know where you stand as a family.

There's no inconsistencies.I couldn't work. Now I have residency etc I can. But because I've been away from work it will be hard to find work. Once I start I can easily progress.

You do sound like you are completely in a rut.

What would he say if you told him that the money he's earmarked for this weekend of sport with DS, you need it to go away yourself?

what do you do during the week while your dh is at work?
Do you have a car? Can you drive?
Your dh is at home at 6. There are plenty of hobbies you can do in the evenings. Are you sure you're as restricted as you think?

I think you should prioritise getting some independence. Get that cv out as soon as possible.
Find things to do for yourself. Go out and meet people.
Tell your dh how dull your weekends are and get out and about even if it's just for a few hours.

It sounds as though you now dislike and resent him and I doubt that a weekend on your own would make any significant difference to the resentment you feel. You sound angry.

I don't see that you can know what counselling would offer but it doesn't sound as though you want it anyway.

If you'd be fine in the country you're in now and you don't feel your relationship has any future perhaps divorce sooner rather than later is going to be necessary.

He's not going away this weekend with ds. He's going alone with ds. I will be here alone with ds.
I have asked for similar time alone while he does the childcare.

I apologise again about saying that I put my child first. It was just how I felt personally. As in if I'm not working I can't put him in daycare that we can't afford as it would have felt like I was just chucking him in so I could have time alone. Especially when dh gets no time alone. I felt like role were blaming me 'how have you let this happen' and meant it like I thought I was doing the right thing by being a sahm and allowing time for my dh to do his project. Bur when dh puts me last and says I can have time alone in the house while he gets fun, then I feel posses off that this has happened seeing as I sacrificed more.

You did say you never have time to yourself and then said you are bored and spent an entire day in your room alone which sounds like an inconsistency to me.

I think you are depressed and lacking direction which is leaving you unmotivated and incredibly un fulfilled.
Would you consider meditating or exercising at home to help keep you occupied when you are feeling very down?
It sounds like you have great job prospects so you have that to look forward to and a lot going for you. It sounds as though you your DH and son are all healthy.
Your husband has work to keep him distracted I think you should tell him how unhappy and low you are feeling, tell him you need a direction and you need to see progress.
I'm not sure a break away is going to be everything you want it to be, you might get to clear your head and relax but it won't move you closer to work or more independence.

Without ds. Not with ds. This app is terrible for corrections.
I appreciate everyone's input.

What age will your DS start nursery / school? You make your life sound an unremitting drudge but one child of 3 and no work outside the home is not that bad. Plenty of mums on here will be getting up before 6am, working full or part-time out of the home and then coming home and starting the second shift. I second counselling and looking at small changes you can make in your day to day life to make things work better for you- could you take another local child for an afternoon and then they take your DS so you get some time to yourself in the week. Longer term you need to get back to paid work to get some financial independence - ultimately that is what will change the dynamic in your relationship.

I have spent the day upstairs because dh has been doing his project but if I was to just leave for the day he'd be annoyed. He needs to be able to do practical things on it that ds can't be near so I have been watching ds entertain himself with lego all afternoon. We normally go out all through the week while dh is at work and do child related stuff and play dates. Hence my lazy weekend of unproductive activities.

I have no access to a car so it would be a pain to start a regular hobby and dh has unpredictable working hours. I will however look for something. But all day running around and I'm knackered.
Maybe a local book club.

God I hate myself right now.
Whining continuously. Insulting people by mistake. I might leave this thread.

Is there any way you could get involved with the project he's working on op?

No it's just not my area of expertise. Maybe if it was something in feeling sorry for myself. 😂

I know other people have it harder. I'm just lonely. Miserable.

Nobody else knows I feel this way. I go out every weekday. I cook and clean. I'm job searching. I'm just having a shot time at this very moment. Apologies.

I'm also confused with all the time updating your CV. Tbh OP your husband sounds- well ok really. The real problem seems to be you've given up your independence and become a bit martyr-ish about it. Get a job and start your life! You're not just a mother.

From another mother who dumped her children in day care so she didn't end up like this

You do sound lonely and angry. Do you have friends to talk to ? Do you speak the language of the country you are in? I have recently gone back to work after years as a mother at home, and feel so much better for it.

The whining is your negativity. You feel like your life is dull and you're down.
People are trying to help you so you can start becoming more positive and enjoy your life.

It's time to get proactive.

Is public transport good where you are? can you sort out access to a car?

Go find a book club. Are you in a country where you can join meetup.com groups?