Dh gets a break away. My break is...

[ComproMyWayOrTheHighway]

'I'll take our ds away so I can watch (competitive sport Dh likes) and you can stay and have your break at home'.

No. Just no.

For background Dh works hard and we haven't had a break together for a couple of years. Child together of 3.
Since ds was born I have had zero time to myself. Partly because ds was a pain to settle partly because I don't know many people where we live or we have gone away as a family. Family holidays have entailed Dh doing some stuff he enjoys or meeting up with people while I provide childcare. Think caravan holiday type situations where mums used to get stuck doing everything while dad has a break.

He has been away with work on a jolly for a few days recently. Hotel. Meals. Networking. Prior to that he's had time away from ds while I visited family for 3 weeks (not a holiday i know but we moved miles away to his country and me visiting parents is part of the deal).
He's going away again alone leaving me for 5 days so he can see his sport he likes.

I said that this is fine. I've never stopped anything but said I will also be taking a break. I have asked for a weekend on my own somewhere as I'm tired and have had no downtime in three years (sahm) planning to go back to work but need to organise and update cv etc. I have said I'll do this while I'm away.

He has offered instead that he goes on another jaunt to watch this sport but takes our child. So he gets something fun with child and I get my space.

Aibu to think sod off. I don't want to just sit in the house I see every day and clean while he gets another trip and hotel and food etc. And if he's not planning on staying away and just being out of the house for the weekend and bringing our child home each evening then isn't that missing the bloody point entirely?

I know this isn't a fix for the relationship but in terms of short term "alleviation" and giving yourself space to think, can you put your DS in pre-school for a half day session every day? Not sure what provision is like where you are. At least then you'll have a few hours of head space.

We just can't afford the childcare costs until I work.

Sounds like things are very unequal in your relationship - why have you allowed it to get like this? Has it always been this way?
You need joint access to money and joint money if you are not working.
You sound like you def need to go back to work as he doesn't value the home work that you do. Agree don't do your cv on your break - get time off another tine for this
Book a spa weekend and go
Or book a trip as a family together to your place of choosing and he gives you time off looking after Ds when you are there - I actually find it telling your preference is for time off from DH as well - not a family trip!!

I've done family trips. I get lumbered doing childcare on his holiday. I want time alone.

As for why have I allowed this. Well I put my child first so not dumping him in daycare. I couldn't have worked here any earlier due to restrictions and was told by dh that this business would be up and running by now which it isn't. I don't know anyone else here really. Those I do have kids or work. I'm not tied to the house buy we don't have money to throw around so we both don't go out much. No family here to help out.

I just think if we have the funds to send one away on a hobby holiday then I get the same.

We can't afford to take time off his job and gave a family holiday. Pet boarding. Hotels. Food. Would make it impossible right now.

Dh is driving to this hobby of his and camping out for 3 nights. Total time away near enough 5days. I'm simply asking for an entire weekend alone.

No staying at home and putting ds first doesn't mean you had to say yes to your DH every time he suggested a holiday that suited him more than you - you need to speak up and be a bit more assertive with him about saying no and saying what you want - like another pp said his reaction will tell you all you need to know about his feelings for you

Def YANBU re this holiday issue but to me sounds like you have wider problems to fix re your satisfaction with life in general. If you've moved for his work to somewhere where you have no support he should be encouraging and helping you Jackie friends and settle in. And working at home is just as hard as paid work (if not harder!) so you should both be getting equal time off on a weekly basis. You need to start making more demands of your DH and put yourself first (not him) for once and if he doesn't step up seriously rethink the relationship. Obviously your Ds is the priority but after that you need to start thinking what you want - not just let DH get his way the whole time at your expense.
Def start looking for your trip!

Make not Jackie sorry typing whilst feeding!

Does he know how unhappy you are?

You sound really worn down and sad. It definitely should be you, who goes away in a nice hotel with crisp sheets. Maybe he told himself
he was being nice. However, this is definitely not and selfish behaviour. Do you tell him how you feel?

I'm confused with his job. He has a job abroad and a second job he does at weekends, correct? If this is the case and he's an expat, his company may pay for some kind of preschool child care. Worth checking out.

Could you go away for a few days when you next go back to your family? Or leave ds with your in Laws?

Why do you do everything on caravan holidays? Why don't you take it in turns?

If he can drive to this even rather than camping why doesn't he do that?

And 'your productivity'?! If my husband wanted to discuss my productivity in the home I'd tell him to go fuck himself.

And stop cleaning his office. Of course he'll let your son trash it if you're doing the cleanup. He needs consequences, like a toddler.

Sorry. For clarity we moved to his country for work so he works and also has started up a project or company in addition to this. So he has a job then come's back to start this project. So weekends and week nights are devoted to this. Except when we have his friends stay. Then the diary is cleared and he entertains them.

This extra work has been dominating family life for 2 years now. He keeps saying it's near completion but I'm not sure how long exactly it'll take. We both butt heads about it as he claims he never gets time to do it. And I claim I didn't have any say in it so why should I be happy about my entire 'family time' being me looking after our ds or being told I don't do enough while he works.

I need to go back.to work but when will that get slotted in?

In laws are another thread entirely. I was sent to them in order for him to do some work in peace and ended up returning early due to arguments. So they are out of the picture.

It's too far away to drive and return.
The office is also our second lounge where we go to watch TV and relax while ds is asleep. Plus we had an inspection so yes he needs consequences but also I need a tidy area for myself and I have guests coming for a week so was embarrassed.

Ugh it all sounds a nightmare.

If he's working so hard on two businesses and you moved for his job but can't afford a weekend away that sounds... interesting, are you sure of his earnings?

Maybe you'd be better off financially if you both worked back in your country? Is preschool v expensive where you are?

OP if he's aware of how you're feeling and is bracing like this still, then I'd say play him at his own game and just go and book a weekend away when you want it and ignore him.

If he has no idea, then give talking to him a shot - a little one, you've o my so much energy - then go and book it.

YOU'VE MOVED COUNTRY for him!! This is so often under appreciated by the spouse who has moved "home". Moving countries can bring great positives, but it's massively stressful and when it's not a place that's foreign to you both, then the "foreign" spouse is immediately at a disadvantage.

It sounds like you've got yourself working towards an exit plan though, which once in place gives you a real choice about what to do.

In the meantime, don't wait for him to notice your needs, be a bit more selfish and take what you need. You are far from your family and friends and that alone means you need a bit of spoiling, never mind a young child, former PND, no family time, no help and a selfish "life partner".

• behaving, not bracing
• only, not o my

Damn you autocorrect!

It is a nightmare. The project isn't making any money yet. The job is but we don't have money for treats as such. I really don't fancy another trip away as a family anyway at the moment. I really want dome alone time. I've not had any in 3 years.

We can't go back to my country as he can't work there. I wouldn't want to anyway. My family are old and I can't afford to visit them. But when I did I got no help either so I got no break at all whereas he had 3 weeks of weekends and evenings where he just needed to think of himself (ha).

I'm just utterly bored. I get told oh this project will mean we can buy a house etc but I'm just tired. Running on empty. I probably am selfish that he works hard and I don't revel in making an effort so he gets time to complete the project. But I don't even know how long he needs. There's no end in sight.

I feel my life has been sidelined. If this bloody project doesn't work out I'm divorcing him. Because it means I've spent years of our young ds life being miserable

Why do you think he gets to dictate how you live your life?

If he can afford to take ds away then he can afford for you to go away and he can stay with ds at home! Easier said than done, I know. I think you need to let him know that you need s break and it's not negotiable.

Ok I hear you are angry. It sounds really shit.

What I would say is if you're going to do the divorce route, you may be stuck in the country anyway if he decides to block your ds exit from the country. Be careful and if you want to divorce, I would make sure you have an extended visit home, get residence there for your ds first, then file. Otherwise he may decide to get you on kidnapping charges and you may end up living in a country you hate until ds is 18. Or even worse, banned from reentering the country and your ds taken off you.

Are you using birth control?

Well he doesn't get to dictate. But there's not much I can do if someone wants to do a project rather than spend time with us is there? He just complains he's further behind or says we have no money to do anything. I am going to potentially struggle working here as I gave up work to move here. I said will you move to allow me to work and he snapped that he wouldn't want to but yes we'd have to he supposed. Just feel like an inconvenience.

You sound so depressed.

Does he know you're so unhappy you'd divorce him over this? I wouldn't blame you if you did.

I have no concerns living here. Dont want to return to the UK. Have full residency etc.
I don't want to get divorced but if he continues to treat me differently to how I have facilitated his jobs and supported Jim then of course I will. He knows this. I've informed him.

I have said if I go back to work full time and I'm still expected to do 100% housework etc then I will leave.

Easier said than done obviously. I'll out earn him in a few years so it's just getting that first job.
I'll be fine.