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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this teachers response was a bit shit? Or perhaps I am being horrendously precious?

251 replies

Gallopingthundercunt · 30/09/2016 09:53

Hugely identifying if the teacher is reading but what the hell.....

DS(12) wanted to start a club at school yesterday but (for reasons best known to himself) turned up at the wrong time. He immediately went to find the teacher running the club and apologised to her, asking her whether he would still be allowed to take part. She told him that part of the requirements for the club were that he was punctual and reliable, since he had been neither then he couldn't Confused

When DS got home he was in tears over the incident. In fairness, my DSDad (his grandad) died unexpectedly last week so I feel his response may be slightly coloured by emotion. We discussed what had happened and he accepted that he was in the wrong to turn up late and that the teacher has every right to refuse him entry to the club.

I then emailed the teacher to explain the situation (as I have above) and ask whether she would reconsider, given the circumstances and how upset DS was. For the record I have never sent an email like this in all of DS's school career, but I felt very strongly that I needed to raise the issue. This morning I received a rather curt email telling me that despite DS being under "some emotional strain" that she would not reconsider. She also reiterated the qualities that were required for the club and how DS was lacking in them.

My first response was disbelief and now (if I'm honest) real anger. I need to acknowledge her reply but I'm seriously unsure whether to take it further or whether I will appear a raving harpie who thinks the rules shouldn't apply to my precious snowflake. I'm normally quite laid back and would simply tell DS to learn from his mistakes, but this incident and the subsequent email have really got my hackles up. So AIBU or is the teacher?

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 02/10/2016 09:47

Well no, because we don't know what the teacher actually said.

Cagliostro · 02/10/2016 09:48

Hmm, the whole registration thing for the first session does explain why he couldn't join in. Unnecessarily harsh for the teacher to go on to list why he's not good enough for the club though Hmm

Trifleorbust · 02/10/2016 09:49

Well, it depends what she said. If what she said was, "He was perpetually late for the previous club I ran, so I don't have much faith in what he says about being on time from now on," I would call that perfectly reasonable.

Lunar1 · 02/10/2016 09:49

The NHS would also struggle without all the unpaid extras we do, does that mean during those unpaid hours I should behave like a dickhead to my patients and their relatives?

Trifleorbust · 02/10/2016 09:53

No, Lunar, it doesn't mean that. But if you were running an out-of-hours service for your patients completely unpaid (can't think what that might be but bear with me) would it be appropriate to call you a dickhead and a cunt because you set a standard that resulted in someone being excluded, for example that they missed the first session?

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/10/2016 09:53

SirChenjin

I run three clubs at school. one is after-school, two are in lunch clubs.

the after-school club requires good attendance and work ethic, or you don't take part in the last bit of the club.

One of the lunch clubs has to be started on time or the pupils will not complete what we need to do. (think debate club)

The final one is a games club, no requirement to start on time.

apparently I am a bitch, cunt and dickhead (amongst other things) for daring to have rules and abiding by them.

And I have also had complaints that little tarquin didn't get to play a game that he wanted even though he turned up with less than 5 minutes to go.

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 02/10/2016 09:55

Do we really have to have this thread derailed by teachers going on about how persecuted they are on MN? There's a whole other thread running at the moment about presents for teachers where MNers are saying how much they appreciate their children's teachers. You can't have it both ways. The fact is that members of practically every occupation that exists get slagged off on here from time to time. Live with it and don't assume that someone who is acting unkindly is immune from criticism for it just because she's a teacher.

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/10/2016 09:57

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet

there is criticism and then there is slagging off.

IMO, this thread sits in slagging off.

MistressMerryWeather · 02/10/2016 09:58

We will have to disagree there, Jefferson.

I find the responses are equally harsh for anyone MN posters feel have treated a child unfairly.

Dickhead is hardly OTT by MN standards and cunt is pretty much a staple word on the forum.

Trifleorbust · 02/10/2016 09:59

Constance, the AIBU is about whether the teacher's response was shit. Of course some people will object to points of view that go much further than a response to that and call her a cunt, and of course some people will point out that some criticism of teachers seems over egged on this site. Don't expect people to "live with it" - why on earth should they?

Gottagetmoving · 02/10/2016 10:03

Yes, the teacher was blunt and has stuck to her decision. There is no need for the over the top insults about her though.
Has this boy a history of being unreliable? Were there too many kids applying to be in the club?
An apology does not mean the decision has to be reversed.
OP explained to her son that the teacher can refuse him entry after being late but then expected her email to reverse the teacher's decision.
Sometimes in life we have to suck it up and accept a decision like this, especially when it was our own fault.
I think it would be better if OP encouraged her son to move on and learn something from the experience rather than trying to get the school to override the teacher's decision.
It's a hard lesson but sometimes they are the most valuable. Sometimes kids have to learn they can't have what they want if they dont follow the rules.

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/10/2016 10:05

MistressMerryWeather

but has the child been treated unfairly?

There is far too little information to go on, and some of that information has changed (the child wasn't late, he missed the meeting). Some information is missing or paraphrased.

Given what we know things like "power trip", "power hungry bitch", etc are IMO OTT.

travellinglighter · 02/10/2016 10:06

Reply

Frankly your decision seems arbitrary and I won’t accept it without further clarification, can we meet to discuss?

Having to discuss face to face and explain why she won’t let the child take part may mean a rapid backslide.

MistressMerryWeather · 02/10/2016 10:06

apparently I am a bitch, cunt and dickhead (amongst other things) for daring to have rules and abiding by them.

No but you would come under the same fire if you had responded to the e-mail OP sent in the same unsympathetic way after hearing the child has went through a bereavement.

The child made a mistake and tried to fix it. His mum explained he's going through a tough time. There was no reason at all for this teacher to be unpleasant to either but she was.

That makes her a bit of a dickhead regardless of her profession.

Trifleorbust · 02/10/2016 10:09

Travelling: It's a lunch club run in the teacher's own time and for no pay. She isn't accountable to the mum and could easily just refuse a meeting on this issue. "I won't accept it without further clarification"? Really?

OurBlanche · 02/10/2016 10:09

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet did you read my last post?

The last 2 paragraphs are made entirely from the epithets used about the teacher in this one thread!

...are cunts, liars, total bitches, fucking dickheads, really need to learn about communication? They are sneery jumped up, self-important management types. Deeply unpleasant dragons, butt heads, rigid jobsworths, arseholes.

... ridiculously inflexible, officious eejits. So spiteful you can’t talk to them cos they can be vindictive and mean, especially if you don’t follow their crazy rules. They wander round the Earth with a big stick up their arses, power tripping, pathetic twats, stuck up cows, utter arses, idiots, nutters…

And you wonder why teachers respond with a general, "Fuck off, we work hard and don't deserve that level of vitriol"?

If this was aimed at the job you do you too would feel just a little bit pissed off!

bigbuttons · 02/10/2016 10:11

She is nasty this teacher. I would take it up with the head.

BalloonSlayer · 02/10/2016 10:12

OP I think that the point to take from this is: the teacher does not want your DS in the club.

If she had wanted him in, his being late wouldn't have mattered.

So I think you need to consider the following:

  • it may be because they had a strict number limit and they had reached capacity
  • it may be because she dislikes your DS for no reason
  • it may be that your DS is disruptive and the last child on earth she would want in that club

Food for thought.

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/10/2016 10:15

MistressMerryWeather

But we don't know what the teacher said, or how they phrased it.

that emails can be mis-interpreted is one of the reasons that I would have phoned the OP and had a discussion.

The response of many on the thread is why teachers don't like making phonecalls. (Not that they would have the guts to say these things on the phone).

DoItTooJulia · 02/10/2016 10:17

Ignoring the bunfight-I think the teacher could have been more flexible. Your ds doesn't have a track record of being late, uncommitted, or anything else that might make this reaction seem more reasonable.

At 12, school is a safe place to grow up. Children (as do adults) make mistakes and they should be taught the consequences of those mistakes without having their confidence or love for something crushed.

So the teacher could have put him on probabtion-turn up late again this term and you'll have to stop attending the club, or something similar.

I would be tempted to bring it up with the head of year or the pastoral lead (given the emotional aspect to this) and see what they say.

OurBlanche · 02/10/2016 10:19

Which is what many posters, teacher included, said about 6 pages ago!

Almost everything after that has been pure 'bun fight' Smile

Trifleorbust · 02/10/2016 10:22

Have to say, to all those people suggesting going over the teacher's head to the Head or the pastoral team or whatever, I don't get paid enough for that shit. If the Head tried to put pressure on me to reverse a decision I had made, I would simply cancel the club and spend my 40 minute lunch eating a sandwich, having a cup of tea and chatting to my colleagues, as I am entitled to do by law.

A better response, OP, would seek to understand why the teacher is being so rigid. I strongly suspect there is a reason, which she may think she has made clear to your son or to you in her email.

Runny · 02/10/2016 10:22

I'm not usually one to pull apart the spelling and grammar of other posters, but I can't be the only one slightly concerned that one of the whinging teachers posting on here doesn't seem to know the difference between 'here' and 'hear' ? Wink

OurBlanche · 02/10/2016 10:24

Not sure that many people actually understand that, Trifle!

Not really, truly at heart, when it is their offspring who may not get to do something. After all, it is only 20 or 30 minutes, why be such a cunt/bitch/dickhead about it?

It is never about what you put in, it is always about what you take away!

Ditsy4 · 02/10/2016 10:24

I think it is unreasonable.
I run a club at Primary and sometimes they arrive late. I just ask them to try not to be late as it means I have to repeat instructions.

If she doesn't allow him to join after a letter then tell him this. One of my sons wasn't allowed to join the A level Maths class because he got a B at GCSE only just missed the A. Ten years later he was the Manager in a business with over 50 staff and counts more money per week than that teacher will earn in a year! Nothing wrong with his Maths skills he has just won an award and is going through to a National award. Your son may have the last laugh.