to be angry at my DH? [Title edited by MNHQ]

[MyBreadIsEggy]

I'm 35 weeks pregnant with DC2, suffering with SPD. We already have 17 month old Dd. I'm a SAHM, and general everyday things are getting a bit harder as I get fatter, as you would expect! But my DH seems completely oblivious to that
I posted a couple of weeks ago having a whine about how we'd had a bust up because he doesn't do anything around the house or with DD without me asking him to do it. That has been resolved to a certain extent, but if I'm honest, I've just got sick of having to give him the simplest of instructions, so just get on with it by myself.
My reason for wanting to kick him square in the dick this morning, is his complete lack of awareness when it comes to dd's night time antics!! We appear to be in the throes of a sleep regression. Up until a few weeks ago, Dd has been a great sleeper, but all of a sudden she's up at least every 2hrs in the night, and wakes for the day between 5 and 5:30am. DH says he "doesn't hear her". We have a baby monitor by the bed, and even without the monitor, she can easily be heard through the wall Sometimes when I hear her wake up chatting to herself, I lay there for a good 5-10 mins to see if DH is going to do anything, and he never does!! I've even turned the volume all the way up on the monitor and placed it above his head, where the sound of Dd yelling and singing is unbearably loud, and he still doesn't acknowledge it!! I refuse to accept that he "doesn't hear her"...if I opened her bedroom window, half the fucking street would hear her!! I do all of the day time child care which is knackering enough at 35 weeks pg, but now I'm also dealing with every single night waking too - which is at least 4/5 times every night.
AIBU to be completely and utterly exasperated by this?! I don't think I am.

All you need to do is reverse the genders in this to see how unfair the language and behaviour of the OP is.

To be fair, if the roles were reversed and my DH was 35 weeks pregnant, with SPD, doing all the childcare, all the housework, all the night wakings and then I was coming home and parking my arse playing my PlayStation, I'm pretty certain his language and behaviour would be the same as mine

Turn to monitor up and put it next to his side of the bed?

Not sticking up for him but My DH doesn't have the same hearing that I do so I would need to tell him sometimes that DD is awake.

There is a school of thought that a Mother responds to her baby cries differently to anyone else so you may be sensitive to this than him? also when I was pregnant I was hyper alert to sounds, to the point of flinching at sudden noises.

Regardless make him get up, Sleep with a maternity pillow between your legs to help SPD, have you tried the NHS SPD workshop?

furry I've been sleeping with a maternity pillow which does help - the pain isn't too bad when lying down, but bending down to dd's level/picking up toys/loading washing machine etc and getting up from sitting is terrible

I think the only thing you can do is escape a bit more and leave him to it.
It will help build his confidence and help dealing with DD become more automatic iyswim.
There might be a bit of carnage to begin with but he will get there.

If he won't take the pressure off you himself then you need to give him no other option but to pull his weight.

The ignoring and pretending to be asleep with really boil my piss TBH and I would shout, shake, whatever it took to make him get up.

I do wish most some of you would just fuck off back to netmums wherever you came from. Your sanctimonious prattle derailing every thread is tedious. If you don't like a thread title you don't have to click on it, there are plenty of others. If you don't like MN there are plenty of other twee more boring gentle little mummy places. Seriously, stop trying to change MN to suit your own sanitised little view of of the world.

Please.

God this thread is mn at it's worst.

Personally i can see right where you are coming from. If that was my OH then the frustration with his selfish behaviour would be driving me through the roof!

I would probably talk to him before going to bed, telling him it'll be him getting up when DD wakes up. He can be on alert! And let him know that when your DC2 will be here, he can carry on with those night wakings.. you are not his nanny, as you so rightly pointed out!

I have the same gap roughly beteween my DDs and if my H hadn' been very good i would have been a wimpering mess in the corner (i think thats why i went back to work so soon after her birth and had no regrets whatsoever!!).

Good luck with not killing him

💐💤💤💤

First of all, you need to look at whether you have to go into her at all. She's shouting, playing, chatting, singing...fucking irritating at 2am, but not actually anything requiring you to go in. She will go back to sleep. If she is crying & needs a parent you need to sort out what's 'fair'. I'd say H doing Thur-Sun, you doing Mon-Wed, or something like that. Agree on a strategy, no lights, no playing, no chatting etc, just telling her it's time to sleep & laying her down. No 'rewarding' behaviour - chatting/fun/books/cuddles. Learning to self settle us really important, not just for now but for the rest of her life.

You also need to get his general attitude sorted because frankly, it's shit & it's not going to improve any having another baby in the house. Talk to him, explain that this is a deal breaker because it's far easier raising two children as a single parent than having a man child around making stupid comments, creating mess/work & generally just being an irritating git.l

Please don't just keep putting up with it because it won't improve, you might as well deal with it now.

Being pregnant does not give you an excuse to be abusive and throw this is at people. First and foremost you need to grow up and learn how to behave like a grown up.

Then you need to get a grip and realise that a toddler awake in the morning happily talking and singing does NOT need someone to get up and deal with. Why on earth should he get up when NOONE needs to.

Reading this, I was going to suggest booking yourself into a hotel for a night and leaving him to it so I'm glad your friend suggested that too. Please do it. I understand your nervousness, I'm the same and know I care for my DC better than my DH but also know they will be FINE with him. Especially just for one night. Do it, you'll feel so much better.

Oh OP - you are not being unreasonable to hypothetically kick your dh right in the dick. What he's doing is the oldest trick in the book. 'Doesn't hear her' and pretends to be asleep...ffs it's so fucking selfish.
Fwiw, my dh did this crap when ds1 was a baby. I'm not saying this is the best advice I can offer but the fact is, nothing changed until I finally lost my shit and went ballistic.

Gingerbread I've only been going in the room when she gets to the really annoying, high pitched squealing because that is impossible to ignore it's so loud!! We only have one of those blue safety light things on the landing, no lights get turned on. Most of the time I don't say anything to her. Just lay her back down, give her a dummy if she's launched hers, and then leave. But it seems to make no difference. Once she's awake, she's awake!! But up until about 7 weeks ago, she was going to bed at 7pm, and majority of the time sleeping (or at least being quiet!) until 6:30am!

Reality Ok, I think we've established that I'm clearly an unreasonable, abusive, selfish person who needs to suck it up and accept that the man I'm meant to be in a partnership with is blantantly flouting his half of that partnership

GingerbreadLatteToGo

I've never been on Netmums. I don't see the world in a 'sanitised' way (very difficult when you suffered violence in your life). I (for one) did offer the OP advice but I'm also perfectly allowed to think that 'joking' about domestic violence isn't ok. There are some very aggressive posters on here who seem to defend suggestion of violent acts as 'lighthearted', it's quite worrying. Genuinely, at what point is it not ok to 'joke' about these things? Some examples:

'My husband doesn't pull his weight, I want to kick him in the dick'

'My wife keeps leaving her hair straighteners on, I might punch her in the cunt'

'Next doors cat keeps shitting in my garden, aibu to kick it next time?'

'I might just slap my MIL next time she does something different with my child'

Is the first one ok but the rest not? Or are they all ok? It would be great to put this to rest once and for all because I don't think any of the above is appropriate, even if just said in frustration.

Op no advice as I way past this stage with my 4. but I had my gorgeous grandson to stop over, he's 7 months, he only woke up twice and then properly at 5.30 am snd you know what grandad slept right through just like he did 20 years ago!

And then when he did wake up he said 'oh he slept well didn't he'

Some Men may not change but trust me children do eventually sleep through the night.

Edmund take your points and you are right however the slapping the mil might not be a problem with most of mumsnet.

Dh does the 'doesn't hear' trick too (ds is 5 but has always suffered night terrors). But to be fair he's the one who will respond pretty quickly to ds coming into our bedroom and telling us he's had a nightmare or has been sick etc. I'm 33 weeks pregnant and likewise ds knows when I've had a shitty night of sleep, up and down to the loo and unable to get comfortable, and will get ds quietly ready for school while I have a little bit of a lie in (I'm still working, but from home). I did have a mini breakdown at him at the weekend though after the 4th or 5th time of reminding him that the hoovering needed doing. His ability to prioritise is very different to mine.

I think you're well within your rights to metaphorically kick your dh in the dick. But please make sure you're happy with this baby being your last before you do so.

Oh my sweet lord, I just had to do a google image search of "baby monitor" to make sure it hadn't turned into something the weight of a ten tonne truck. Nope, looks like it's still the very small, light, plastic thing about the weight of a remote control it always was. Gosh, dropping that on something who's doubtless covered in a duvet must have been awful for him

There has always been loads of exaggerated language on MN, the whole point is it's a place to blow off some steam. I've definitely heard suggestions that Evil MIL gets a punch in the tit, useless DH gets a kick up the arse, someone else gets his balls hung up above the door etc. It's not actually serious? I can understand why some feel sensitive about it but I think it's fair to say no-one is actually at risk here.

If anyone's wondering why we don't treat it the same way as we would if a man said it, it's because we all know that men are far more likely to hurt, hospitalise and kill their partners. No point pretending otherwise. So when make men jokey threats, it's a lot more loaded.

dh knows not ds

I'm getting confused where to post as there is another thread on titles now!

Yes, the thread title is a little 'violent' and possibly ill-thought-out, but the OP is exhausted, stressed and heavily pregnant with an unsupportive partner. I think some empathy is needed here.

I'm also a little at the posters who are outraged at the title repeatedly using the word 'cunt' to make their point. It's a fairly offensive word, and while I don't want to get into the hierarchy of swear words, I think 'cunt' is more offensive than 'dick'. But it's ok to use if you are making a point? Don't get it, sorry.

Oh god...the 'didn't hear' thing. I remember this..we also had a monitor in our room and DD could clearly be heard without the monitor anyway. DH never heard her apparently. He suddenly started hearing her when I started purposely waking him up to do his share and he realised he could not effectively play dead and I would do it. After a few nights of this, he suddenly heard her immediately and sorted her

Edmund. As far as I'm concerned they're all ok ON HERE in a TYPEWRITTEN fury. It's venting. It's 'screaming' with frustration on a typewritten page. No one is actually harming a hair on anyone. It's always been fine on MN, it's only recently people are gettng their knickers in a twist over it. Seriously, if it's bothering people, there are other places on the internet that are different...

'My husband doesn't pull his weight, I want to kick him in the dick'

'My wife keeps leaving her hair straighteners on, I might punch her in the cunt'

I can't quite believe that those two things are even being seriously compared. Leaving out hair straighteners is not the same as not pulling your weight and leaving your 35 wk pregnant wife an exhausted mess. The fact you are equating the two feeds into the imbalance here.

Being pregnant does not give you an excuse to be abusive and throw this is at people. First and foremost you need to grow up and learn how to behave like a grown up.

This is a joke right? She's the one being abusive because she expects her husband to be a partner and a father? He's the one being abusive and he's the one that needs to grow up.

Jeez no wonder men feel entitled to behave like this. Their behaviour is constantly being validated by society.

OP what are you going to do when the baby arrives and you've got both of your children awake at different times during the night and he is still leaves it all to you? Not only will you still have to do all the night wakings and all the housework and childcare, you'll still have to be doing his housework and you'll still be feeling incredibly resentful which will be even more draining.

What is he going to do if you have a C-section?

What is he adding to the family at the moment? How is he enriching your life? Is he realistically likely to change?

I think you need to ask those questions of yourself to help you decide the way forward.

Hi all,

We've edited the title of this thread following several reports as we felt it was a bit too much and not really in the spirit of the site.

scallop, they were made up situations, the point I tried to make was it doesn't matter what's being said/done, saying you want physical harm done to them is not ok. However, just my opinion, I think there are far less offended ways to vent. The husband does need to pull his weight, that's undeniable and I hope he changes his attitude soon.

3 and a half hours!

Longer than I thought. Well done OP