To go NC over a tiny thing, but in the bigger picture is the final straw?

[ClarkL]

I have always had a difficult relationship with my sister. We've never been particularly close although it took me a while to realise it.
Essentially she got married a few years ago, I wasnt part of the wedding party at all and I was pretty surprised. Found out I wasnt a bridesmaid as 6 years previously (yes, she holds a grudge) she had a car accident with my son. I found out by my parents calling to say she'd been in an accident and was in hospital. I asked how my son was, they had no idea he was in the car or how he was. luckily he was fine, as was my sister (think putting it on for a compo claim, seatbelt trauma she called it) I was furious that it took 3 hours for anyone to contact me again to update me and made it clear she wasnt taking him out alone again. Not stopping from seeing, but not having him alone because frankly I should have been one of the first to be called and told he was ok, it wasnt the accident it was the handling of it.
So move forward to me asking why im not involved in the wedding to be told its because of how I stopped her from having her nephew after this incident.
Move forward a couple of years, she has a baby. Im last to know, found out the name through facebook and was told no visitors...except all the ones uploading pictures on facebook. I was allowed to visit after 2 weeks.
so needless to say with my wedding she was invited but not part of it, as an olive branch I provided her accommodation, she was sat with bridesmaids and included at all points.
I hear nothing from her until there is a facebook message telling me shes pregnant.
Then (and this is the final straw) an invite for her nieces birthday arrives in the post to my kids. We live 2 hours away so understandably I say no.
Sister see's my son when he was at his Dads, says she'll be disappointed if he isn't there. My mum then steps in tells my daughter and son she'll take them.
So son and daughter last night call to confirm details.
then I get a message saying I need to collect them Sunday. I say no, then im told I need to meet half way Sunday. I say no. Then im told im hurting my Mum by not helping her out. I explain that shes promised the kids, my sister has guilted them into going (this is an 11 and 10 year old to a 3 year olds party) and it's her mess to sort not mine.
The more I think about this whole thing the more angry I am getting. I havent seen my niece since my wedding and wouldnt have known about her being pregnant if it hadn't been for facebook. I want to tell my sister to not contact me or my kids again and I want to tell my Mum to butt out and not make promises to them about anything again.
every time something kicks off I get ridiculously upset that I am the one being told to be nice and make concessions (even to the point of, you must make your sister a bridesmaid to make amends for her excluding you....WTF??!) So instead of getting upset I want to cut her off, then she cant do anything to upset me or drag the kids into...AIBU?

OP commiserations! Posters seem to not fully read all your posts and to blame you for things that haven't happened. Eg trafalgar accused you of being childish and petty for stopping your DC from having a relationship with their cousins when it was your sister who has to date gone nc. You say your sister attended your DCs birthday parties up until she had her own first DC. She excluded you from her wedding you invited her to yours. Given her behaviour, asking her to be abridesmaid would have been asking for trouble and I did not think it was de rigeur to have sisters as bridesmaids.
I think you are right on this occasion not to want to get involved in transport arrangements. Your DM knew this and should not have asked for assistance, or was she just complaining about it in a general way?
It looks like your sister may want to have some sort of contact now she has children -- is there any point in having a mediated discussion with her so you can both speak freely and express your points of view? That way you will be sure if there is a way forward or you can both go nc.
Alternatively, if you want your DC to have contact then maybe in the holidays after contact with their DD they can go to stay with your DM and she can arrange contact and then usual arrangements for transport back to you.
Good luck

I think potentially there is blame on both sides, however I think there are elements that tip it less in your sisters favour.

She had an accident where she was well enough to drive herself to the hospital but didn't bother to tell you about your child.
She excluded you from her wedding because you imposed a 6 month ban on her having your child because you couldn't trust her judgement (right call btw).
You found out about her baby from Facebook, was told you weren't allowed to visit but it was clear others were.
You found out she was pregnant from Facebook.
She purposely tried to get your mum away from your child's birthday one year.
She hasn't bothered to invite you to her kids party but expected you to take your children (have you clarified you aren't invited? I wouldn't put an adults name on an invitation).

You aren't innocent in this though. You sound quite petty about it all. And creating difficulties and drama. It must be exhausting for your mum being stuck in the middle of you both.

OP can you clarify wether you was actually excluded from her wedding or wether you just wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid but was otherwise invited?

Ok, I know your so close to this situation that you perhaps aren't seeing clearly. This car accident that happened 10(?) years ago now, you aren't letting it go, just think for a minute about what you have said to us, and possibly what you have told other people.

story you give - Accident, DS in the car with dsis and in hospital, you waited three hours for an update with you frantic to know how your DS was.

Reality - DS in minor accident with dsis, no injuries as such, DS completely uninjured, she phoned her mum (as would i no doubt), mum phoned you, you phone hospital who confirm DS is totally fine. She's in for 3 hours being treated/waiting. No one calls you.

What people see - you knew DS was fine and are spinning a story that you were frantic and unknowing what had happened, your sister didn't call you immediate to tell you DS was fine and instead called her parents who she probably thought would tell you, your telling it like for three hours you didn't know who, how, what and if your son was in surgery etc (ok I'm using worst case here but you didn't elaborate), when we all know that you knew damn well he was fine and people are also thinking (I suspect) why in the name of the wee man didn't you go and see/call for three hours about your son? I'm afraid you look like an exaggerator at best and liar at worst. Sorry

OP, I could have written this post, I have a twin sister who thinks the world revolves around her and if you dont agree or pander to her, you'll never see your nephew/grandson again.
You, like me are not entirely blameless, however I find I am simply reacting to the way I am treated. I cannot change how Dtwister treats me (historically, the joke of the family, the failure), what I can change is how I react to it. Simply, I dont. I have nothing to do with her. Or her kids (Sad, but she wont let her kids speak to me or my DS). She's also ignored my DS's birthdays and huffed when I asked why.
I went NC with her and my younger sis two years ago, not because of petty things (she didnt invite me to her wedding, then slagged me off publicly on my wedding day). I did it because I was tired of always being the one who had to apologise and change, always being the one who had to be the bigger person. Fuck that.
In your circumstances, I understand why you are upset, being deliberately excluded from this party is shite. Your mum really isnt helping matters (mine is also excluded from Dtwister's fabulous life and her DC's encouraged to hate her). If your mum promised to take them, then she takes them. And drops them off. SHE agreed to do it, not you-you werent invited. If SHE lets your kids down, thats not your fault. Be firm and calm with your mum.
I would quietly go NC with your sis, the lack of drama is wonderful, no bitterness, no he said, she said and you get to be yourself.
Let her go. She hasnt let this accident go, lifes too short for that crap!
Step away, dont get involved and concentrate on your own life.

Dolores what I said I asked how my son was, they had no idea he was in the car or how he was. luckily he was fine, as was my sister (think putting it on for a compo claim, seatbelt trauma she called it) I was furious that it took 3 hours for anyone to contact me again to update me
emphasis on furious is took 3 hours to contact me again.

Not once did I say I didn't know for 3 hours what had happened, simply that I was annoyed at how the situation was handled.

Do your kids even have a relationship with their cousin?

If so it might be nice for them to go to the party.

If not, then I wouldn't bother tbh.

Alice I was invited to the wedding
It's hard to describe without going into masses and masses how I was excluded but invited, but it was details like being at the table at the furthest corner from top table with seat marked with my back to everyone.
Photographer was not briefed on who I was but had a list of all other family members
At the actual ceremony I was ushered to where all the 'friend' guests were and not family. My Aunt and Uncle insisted I sat where they were and they moved back a row

diddl cousin is 3 last saw them 1 year ago

actually Diddl that isnt true, last November so about 10 months ago I was visiting town where family are with my daughter, called in at my Mums who was babysitting niece as my sister was unwell. Sister arrived about 10 minutes after we were and asked me to leave as her and Mum were going to a boots christmas event. So my niece and daughter had a bit of time together then

Sorry to harp back to the hospital but if your Mum went to the hospital ....why didn't SHE call you ..and why weren't you angry with her for not calling ?

When you go NC it's then up to you to exclude yourself and not others to arrange themselves around you and your sister. I have limited contact with DB but would never go NC as I would be the one having to exclude myself or attend and cause an atmosphere which is unfair on host and family . Of course there are very good reasons to go NC and occasions where family should support the person going NC but this does not seem to be one of them.

So you weren't excluded from the wedding, just the wedding party? How would it have worked with your kids if you'd been given a top table seat ? Who would they have sat with ?

Thankyou, I just wanted clarification as I think some posters were under the assumption that you wasn't invited at all.

Could you and your sister meet up one day without to kids to properly talk about these things?

It seems to me there is likely more to this than the car accident years ago, but as your mother tells you both not to talk to each other about it and you both get all snippets fed to you by your mother, I guess you'll never know! Are you the older sister? It's probable this stems back to the general family dynamic of your childhood, perceived slights, perceived favouritism, feelings of being patronised or looked down on, not given enough attention, or mistrusted etc, of which the accident was just the icing on the cake.

trafal my mum and dad apologised for not calling, they acknowledged they could have handled it better. My sister did not. For me there is a big difference. Im not going to say they are perfect parents or totally faultless we've had lots of difficulties which now my parents have separated seems to have been resolved. They werent good together and it caused problems.

Also I didnt need to be sat at the top table, but it would have been nice to have been with other family members and to be included in family photos

Your sister went NC with you a long time ago and you didn't even notice, say it all.

roundabout I am the youngest, there is 3 years between us. I was the disappointment of the family falling pregnant at 18 and again at 20!!

I feel like you're getting a shit time about this on here. Unfortunately mumsnet, especially AIBU, can be fickle around things like this.

OP I feel like this is the last 10 years of a bad relationship with your sister, not like you had a great relationship up until the last decade. In all honesty I agree with you, what your sister did was wrong and she is punishing you for pointing that out.

Realistically your mother is going to side with her because your sister will cut her out otherwise. Be prepared for your family to put pressure on you, blame you, emotionally blackmail you and finally to cut you off at her behest. They will also probably try to bypass you and influence your kids. If you're prepared to follow this through then I honestly couldn't blame you for wanting NC.

However I think it might be easier/more productive to block her and go very LC, no responding to news until she shares it with you, not accepting invites and making your kids unavailable for them too. Basically only seeing her at family events you choose. It is very similar to what you already do but the mindset is different. But it should prevent most of the family fallout of the nuclear option, going NC.

I hope I have helped OP, and truly YANBU.

I have a different spin on the accident thing, and I think your Mum is a bit of a drama queen (my mum is too).

First I'll give an example from my situation. My child was taken ill very suddenly and we had to be admitted late at night via A and E. Obviously I didn't inform family at the time (except DH!). I called my Mum very early next morning to ask her to drive up to look after my other kids so that DH could join me at the hospital.(Other than her tendency to dramatic overstateents she is a fine lady and a lovely granny). I then got a message via my siblings group message from my older sister telling the other sibs about my child's hospitalisation. I didn't contact anyone myself because I was beside myself with anxiety about my child and didn't want to have to interact with anyone when we didn't know if she would be OK yet. My child had severe abdominal issues and was vomiting constantly, she ended needing part of bowel removed and she would have died without surgery, so it was pretty serious. But Mum added in a couple of extra flourishes. The first was in the group text from sister, 'Birdy's dd is in hospital, not sure what it is, but not meningitis they have tested for that'. Well, no, meningitis was never considered as her symptoms were abdominal, and she was not tested, and I never mentioned it in the call to my Mum. Later I found she had told all her friends DD was in intensive care for 2 days, no she wasn't. She was seriously enough ill without those extra flourishes! When DS had glue ear he was 'profoundly deaf'. When I had a hard labour I had a flare up of malaria....you get the picture!

So, I wonder if your sister had an accident, and called your mum after driving to hospital saying 'Very minor bump, no need to worry at all, just getting bruises logged to see if I can claim anything, it's worth a try ha ha' and this got translated to you as 'Dsis has had an accident and is at A and E'. Which obviously sounded much more serious and naturally meant you asked after DS, and panicked, whereas your sister hadn't mentioned him because she made it very clear that this was not a serious bump and she was only at the hospital for reasons of compo claiming. So the 'accident and A and E' which panicked you might have been a dramaticised (not untrue, but 'sexed up') version of what DSis actually said, and her version might have made it very clear that noone needed to worry - to the extent that she didn't think to mention your DS. This was wrong, but is more understandable in a non-parent who has made it very clear she has had a minor bump and is fine, rather than being rushed to hospital. Why would your Mum tell you why you were excluded from wedding party? Sounds like stirring. Why would your Mum say she can't come for your son's birthday because she is looking after your niece, how is that your sister's fault unless she forbade your Mum from driving over with niece? If she asked for a babysit when your Mum had already agreed to visit for your son's birthday, that is for your Mum to apologise and say she can't, not for your sister, who as far as I can tell didn't say 'you are looking after my DD and must not travel to visit the birthday boy'.

I think you need to consider your mother a bit more in this. She is rather a go between. Maybe you and your sister should sit down and actually talk.

I think you are getting a hard time... you are an adult you chose who you want to stay in contact with so would def at least LC -I cant believe she sent an invite direct to your kids excluding you ....
bugger that -you're their parent you give permission for parties etc - i'd be having words with your mum as well - why is she allowed to undermine you ?? by offering lists - then backing out she should be checking with you first
she may not be deliberately stirring but she is not helping... as you often see in the relationship threads time for some boundaries
maybe do that first wth your mum before going lc/nc but you need to be clear to your mum where your boundaries are with her as well..
your sister, meh she's not interested in you why bother ? its not compulsory to mix with siblings if they dont had anything positive to your life ...
big deep breath then choose what YOU want .....
(you may want to look at the stately homes thread in relationships my family aren't text book but it has really helped me with getting clarity of my feelings) n its not easy

I'm surprised by a lot of the responses to the accident. If I had a minor car prang with a child in the car who was definitely completeIy fine/unphased I wouldn't think to immediately call the parents (unless it was going to make me late to return the child, then I'd obviously let them know so they didn't worry).

I'd probably just mention it on returning child, because I'd have no reason to believe the parents would be worried.

Seems like your sister called your mum not realising that it would get back to you and worry you, and your mum jumped to the unlikely conclusion that it was serious (after a serious accident it wouldn't be your sister phoning!), and then your mum stirred up the drama by calling you. If your sister didn't know your mum was spreading this overdramatic version of events she had no way of knowing you had been unnecessarily worried.

Denying your sister time with her nephew ever again seems an overreaction, and I can't wonder at her then deciding not to make you a bridesmaid, etc.

At the end of the day you don't have to try and patch things up, can go NC with anyone you choose, but I'm not seeing from what you've said that this is all her fault. If you just don't like her and don't want a relationship with her that's fine, and you don't have to justify your choice (though it will be hard on people like your mum).

Thank you Deus old and avery not simply because you agreed but because I think you may be right.
I came on AIBU because it felt unreasonable putting my foot down over the party because in reality it is a little thing, its just a party, however as part of the bigger picture I felt it was yet another thing where my feelings were excluded and it's all about what others want.
So my sister has already gone NC, weirdly that has surprised me because no-one has said it, I guess I knew at Easter when I found out about the baby.
I have since reading this thread messaged my Mum and explained (in short summary) that I understand my sister has NC and my mum saying she'll take them then expecting me to do a lift is unfair. Mums replied to say my sister says one thing, I say another and she's stuck in the middle. I have told her to remove herself from the middle. That if we simply dont talk about my sister there is no reason for her to feel shes in the middle and can avoid these situations.
Whilst some of you have been harsh, but thats AIBU for you, I do appreciate those that have taken the time and made me realise that actually it isnt all my sister. I have no idea what my Mum has said to her and actually all the information I get is from my Mum so I'll certainly be thinking/looking at how we interact a little closer moving on

Reading back it does sound as if she has already cut you out.

Sidelined on her wedding day-invitation to niece's party by post to your kids?

I wouldn't be taking them to the party-not through spite (I hope!!), but because I wouldn't drive 2hrs then wait about because I'm not invited & then drive 2hrs home.
I'm not sure that I'd do that even if I was invited tbh.

I wouldn't stop your mum taking them, but if she can't do both journeys then it would have to be a no.

Even without everything that has gone on, sometimes when you live 2hrs away, invitations have to be declined.

Well, OP, if she's the older sister and you are traditionally the black sheep, she probably didn't take too well to you treating her as an irresponsible reprobate not to be trusted with your children! Keeping you out of family photos at her wedding, though, was spiteful and childish of her.