To go NC over a tiny thing, but in the bigger picture is the final straw?

[ClarkL]

I have always had a difficult relationship with my sister. We've never been particularly close although it took me a while to realise it.
Essentially she got married a few years ago, I wasnt part of the wedding party at all and I was pretty surprised. Found out I wasnt a bridesmaid as 6 years previously (yes, she holds a grudge) she had a car accident with my son. I found out by my parents calling to say she'd been in an accident and was in hospital. I asked how my son was, they had no idea he was in the car or how he was. luckily he was fine, as was my sister (think putting it on for a compo claim, seatbelt trauma she called it) I was furious that it took 3 hours for anyone to contact me again to update me and made it clear she wasnt taking him out alone again. Not stopping from seeing, but not having him alone because frankly I should have been one of the first to be called and told he was ok, it wasnt the accident it was the handling of it.
So move forward to me asking why im not involved in the wedding to be told its because of how I stopped her from having her nephew after this incident.
Move forward a couple of years, she has a baby. Im last to know, found out the name through facebook and was told no visitors...except all the ones uploading pictures on facebook. I was allowed to visit after 2 weeks.
so needless to say with my wedding she was invited but not part of it, as an olive branch I provided her accommodation, she was sat with bridesmaids and included at all points.
I hear nothing from her until there is a facebook message telling me shes pregnant.
Then (and this is the final straw) an invite for her nieces birthday arrives in the post to my kids. We live 2 hours away so understandably I say no.
Sister see's my son when he was at his Dads, says she'll be disappointed if he isn't there. My mum then steps in tells my daughter and son she'll take them.
So son and daughter last night call to confirm details.
then I get a message saying I need to collect them Sunday. I say no, then im told I need to meet half way Sunday. I say no. Then im told im hurting my Mum by not helping her out. I explain that shes promised the kids, my sister has guilted them into going (this is an 11 and 10 year old to a 3 year olds party) and it's her mess to sort not mine.
The more I think about this whole thing the more angry I am getting. I havent seen my niece since my wedding and wouldnt have known about her being pregnant if it hadn't been for facebook. I want to tell my sister to not contact me or my kids again and I want to tell my Mum to butt out and not make promises to them about anything again.
every time something kicks off I get ridiculously upset that I am the one being told to be nice and make concessions (even to the point of, you must make your sister a bridesmaid to make amends for her excluding you....WTF??!) So instead of getting upset I want to cut her off, then she cant do anything to upset me or drag the kids into...AIBU?

It seems weird to me that you would expect to be your sister's bridesmaid, tbh. I didn't ask my sister to be one of mine and it never crossed my mind this would offend her in any way.

You still haven't said why YOU didn't contact your sister or the hospital after the accident, you knew she was on her way there. If it was my DS, I'd have been in the car heading to hospital to ensure my DS was ok, I would never have waited three hours on a phone call

I think this all sounds like hard work & I'd go NC, life's too short for this shit. From the info posted, it sounds like at the very least you are equally to blame

They are utter loons if they think you'll drive 2 hours there, wait around for 2 (?) hours and drive 2 hours back for a party you're not allowed to attend!
I'm not surprised you said no.

Your DM shouldn't have promised something she doesn't want to deliver.

From the OP

Sister see's my son when he was at his Dads

Do you live away from your family, but your (presumably ex if you were not there) partner lives near them? So is your mum driving from near your sister's place over to yours to get the children?

It does seem like a lot of drama with your mother in the middle of it all. I do think it's possible to quietly withdraw rather than make a big issue of things. If the children want to go to the party, then it may be a good idea to meet your mother halfway on this occasion or could their dad bring them halfway instead of your mother?

I can see why you would be upset about the accident. I would too. I can also see why you don't want to drive to pick the kids up when it wasn't your choice for the kids to attend.

BUT I want to tell my sister to not contact me or my kids again is where you're being OTT for me.

Every gripe you have written about your sister is how she has upset or annoyed you not your kids. This final straw in particular is simply her wanting your children to attend their cousins party. It was your mum who agreed to take them resulting in you now being asked to pick them up. But it's all your sisters fault for her even inviting them to begin with and you now want to go NC with her? It's all very petty If I'm honest.

Life is too short for this..there are two sides to every story of course, however I feel sorry for your mum stuck in the middle of all this

I think you and your sister should let bygones be bygones and hug it out.
Life's too short.

is your sister your mum's favourite?

The thing about the accident reminds me a bit of an incident that happened years ago and makes me agree that you should let bygones be bygones and get along for the sake of the kids. You don't have to be bosom buddies, just civil.

My son was invited to a birthday party by a friend whose birthday was in August - the party ended up being the night before the kids went back to school in early September. I declined as I didn't want my son out latish on the night before term started (I think he was about 6 at the time). Anyway it all turned into a drama because the bowling, the meal took longer than planned and then there were problems on the motorway and to cap it all the mother's mobile phone ran out of battery. One of the parents was frantic. Not surprising, I was relieved I'd declined!

BUT - that parent never got over it. I could have understood to an extent if she'd refused to let her son go to the boy's house. But she also refused any contact outside school at all, even under her own supervision. The two boys were really good friends, closer than my son was to them. She basically broke up their friendship. I do think that was disproportionate, and I think it would be disproportionate to still use something that happened 10 years ago as a wedge between you and your sister.

All that said, I'm not sure I'd drive 2 hours to a party for a 3 year old when my kids are 10/11 either. But you have been given the compromise of an hour. Do the kids want to go?

Were you specifically told you weren't invited to your neice's B-Day party?

If I listed every thing that went on in my family before I cut contact there would be stuff that posters on here could use to decide it was all my fault. I know that there were things I did that weren't ideal, but I actually couldn't win with my family. The intricacies are lost when trying to summarise.

So yes, OP isn't blameless, but I can't see how she is jealous, or half to blame. If one of my kids was in a car accident I would expect to be informed straight away. Her sister was capable of calling her parents, but not OP. She could have told her parents to call OP and say the child was OK, but she didn't.

It all sounds like your sister is an attention seeker and your mum panders to her antics. You are expected to shut up and put up so as to not make things difficult for your mum, with no regard for how you are being treated. But it is your mums choice to pander to your sister, and you do not have to enable either of them.

YWNBU to go NC. It sounds like you are constantly the scapegoat so that no one has to stand up to your sister.

Is clear to me that she has gone nc with you, more or less, and obviously that is very provocative if you don't realise.

Ok firstly. I knew my son was alright sooner. I phoned the hospital. They confirmed my sister had checked in and was waiting to be seen, that there was a child with her who was fine. Everyone had assumed he was her son.
It was my family who left it 3 hours before calling.

She had my son that day as I was suffering from very bad morning sickness, so yes I had trusted her.

Sorry, there's lots of questions to reply to, so trying to do them in order.
Yes all family life close. I moved a few years ago and now live 2 hours away. Thats why when they were at their Dads they bumped into my sister.

My sister not having my son alone lasted about 6 months, she was always invited to their parties and always came. I thought we were actually pretty close, had resolved our issues and were friends until her wedding 4 years ago which was 6 years after the accident when she said I wasnt to be involved and told my Mum the reason why. She refused to talk to me about it.
Up until this point I actually thought we were getting on ok. I was pretty hurt.
It was another kick in the teeth a year later when she had her daughter. My Mum called me for a lift from the hospital, I collected mum, was told not allowed in hospital, no visitors, no name, no info....except it appeared within an hour on facebook.
Shortly after this I moved.

But your sister in hospital after the accident, so presumably sustained some sort of injury/shock? I think it is a bit harsh to blame her ! After all (1) you didn't even know about the accident and (2) your DS was right as rain!

In terms of my sister being favourite I dont think she is. I just think my Mum is too scared of being cut off from my sister which has happened before.

I was not invited to the party, the invite came in an envelope for them not addressed to me. I explained to Mum why I wasnt going (ie not invited and not going just to drop the kids) so she said she'd take them, not to me, to them!

The more you guys are commenting though I am realising in this instance it's possibly my Mum at fault for promising the kids then expecting me to collect them after - im projecting onto my sister because of all the stuff thats happened previously

a7mints I knew she was in an accident as my parents phoned, said she was in an accident, they had no idea how serious, how she was but she was in A+E. They had no idea at that point she had my son.
I phoned A+E, was told that yes she was there, yes there was a boy with her and he was fine.
She drove herself from the accident to A+E and was in the waiting room. That's when she called my parents, to tell them she had been in an accident and was at A+E. She failed to mention she'd driven herself so my parents were imagining all sorts of horrible things and phoned me in a panic to keep me informed.

your mum seems to be in the middle of all this ,she sounds like a bit of a stirrer as a lot of the things you are told ,come out of your mums mouth ,not your sisters .

I think YABU to go officially NC, especially as it looks like your DS has already done that. I think you need to decide how important it is to you that your DC's have a relationship with her DC's and how important your DM's feelings are to you (because this is obviously upsetting her).

Personally, I'd arrange to meet with your DS and try and hash this out. It all seems a little dramatic and childish.

how bizzare, I never really thought she'd have gone NC, but I guess she has when you look at it!
Debinaboat each time I've said to my Mum that I've had enough and I'm going to talk to my sister I've been told not to because I'll cause upset and an argument so I say absolutely nothing. We have had zero arguments. She says nothing, I say nothing.

I don't think Mum s a stirrer I think she is aware both daughters have a strained relationship and is doing her best to make sure the children remain close as cousins despite pig headed attitudes from both her daughters.

I suspect the whole accident drama stems from the fact your sister assumed your Mum knew your son was with her , after a car accident one tends not to be thinking with great clarity. To not forgive a mistake that caused no harm (son was fine and Mum knew he was fine) and was made under pressure ten years later is utterly pathetic (and no you haven't forgiven her or you'd not still be talking about it ten years later and she clearly hadn't forgotten your shitty attitude at the time towards her (did you ever utter a word of concern for her or just bang on no one rang you by any chance ?) several years later by excluding you from the wedding party.).

To stop the kids having a relationship with their cousins because you and your sister don't get on especially when grandparents are willing to go out of their way to make it work is childish and petty.

I do agree your sister has already gone NC and you just haven't noticed .....which speaks volumes. You'd look pretty silly telling the family YOU are going NC in the circumstances.

I'd also point out that even though your sister has gone NC with you she clearly is still involving all the children and treating their family relationships as separate to her relationship to you. I think if you stopped the kids seeing the cousins at this point the whole family would view you poorly compared to the way your sister is dealing with it and not trying to stop the contact between the children.