To go NC over a tiny thing, but in the bigger picture is the final straw?

[ClarkL]

I have always had a difficult relationship with my sister. We've never been particularly close although it took me a while to realise it.
Essentially she got married a few years ago, I wasnt part of the wedding party at all and I was pretty surprised. Found out I wasnt a bridesmaid as 6 years previously (yes, she holds a grudge) she had a car accident with my son. I found out by my parents calling to say she'd been in an accident and was in hospital. I asked how my son was, they had no idea he was in the car or how he was. luckily he was fine, as was my sister (think putting it on for a compo claim, seatbelt trauma she called it) I was furious that it took 3 hours for anyone to contact me again to update me and made it clear she wasnt taking him out alone again. Not stopping from seeing, but not having him alone because frankly I should have been one of the first to be called and told he was ok, it wasnt the accident it was the handling of it.
So move forward to me asking why im not involved in the wedding to be told its because of how I stopped her from having her nephew after this incident.
Move forward a couple of years, she has a baby. Im last to know, found out the name through facebook and was told no visitors...except all the ones uploading pictures on facebook. I was allowed to visit after 2 weeks.
so needless to say with my wedding she was invited but not part of it, as an olive branch I provided her accommodation, she was sat with bridesmaids and included at all points.
I hear nothing from her until there is a facebook message telling me shes pregnant.
Then (and this is the final straw) an invite for her nieces birthday arrives in the post to my kids. We live 2 hours away so understandably I say no.
Sister see's my son when he was at his Dads, says she'll be disappointed if he isn't there. My mum then steps in tells my daughter and son she'll take them.
So son and daughter last night call to confirm details.
then I get a message saying I need to collect them Sunday. I say no, then im told I need to meet half way Sunday. I say no. Then im told im hurting my Mum by not helping her out. I explain that shes promised the kids, my sister has guilted them into going (this is an 11 and 10 year old to a 3 year olds party) and it's her mess to sort not mine.
The more I think about this whole thing the more angry I am getting. I havent seen my niece since my wedding and wouldnt have known about her being pregnant if it hadn't been for facebook. I want to tell my sister to not contact me or my kids again and I want to tell my Mum to butt out and not make promises to them about anything again.
every time something kicks off I get ridiculously upset that I am the one being told to be nice and make concessions (even to the point of, you must make your sister a bridesmaid to make amends for her excluding you....WTF??!) So instead of getting upset I want to cut her off, then she cant do anything to upset me or drag the kids into...AIBU?

Was your sister afraid to call you, perhaps? I mean, she's been in a crash with your young DS in the car. While obviously she should have called you, perhaps she was just panicky, upset and terrified of your reaction, and waited for someone else to make the call? Cowardly and immature, yes, but as she was probably in shock herself, is this a possibility?

The kids were independently asked if they wanted to go to the party, two hrs away remember, then op gets asked to pick up or meet half way? I'm very accommodating even overly so, but this is the mother appeasing the sister.

The mum should have come down on this behaviour many years ago, and now she and the rest of the family are paying for it. Harsh but true

Clark

I don't think you sound jealous - I think you sound pee'd off by being treated like crap and them expected tomato all the running to keep the peace. And I would feel the same in your situation.

Fitfatty

The accident wasn't the problem - accidents happen and Clark said that wasn't what distressed her. What was upsetting was that she wasn't informed what had happened and whether or not her son was okay.

So you knew your child was OK as you'd spoken to the hospital (who presumably told your parents they'd spoken to you) and ten years later you are holding a grudge against your sister (who was having treatment at the hospital and at best in shock) but you don't hold a grudge against your parents who equally could have rung you, in fact more easily as they were t been treated or in shock.

Sounds more like you and your sister don't get on and never have rather than she did anything wrong.

OP, if she called her parents after the accident Before driving herself to the hospital, they called you, why didn't YOU call the hospital/sister or even go there to find out if your DS is ok?? You didn't have to wait three hours, you could have done something

Your Mum is the one asking you meet her half way on Sunday, why wouldn't you do that? for your Mum?

The car accident was a very long time ago, you said that your parents were equally responsible in not contacting you to say that everyone was ok. Can you put that behind you?

*Fitfatty

The accident wasn't the problem - accidents happen and Clark said that wasn't what distressed her. What was upsetting was that she wasn't informed what had happened and whether or not her son was okay.*

I get that. Sure I would be horribly upset at my DB if similar happened. But to ban him from being alone with DS or DD again, no, that's a bit over the top and drama queen.

"I think you sound as bad as each other tbh"

My thoughts entirely.

Your sister should have phoned you when she was in the accident - it was very wrong of her not to, regardless of the fact your ds wasn't actually injured. However, your decision never to let her show she has the capacity to learn from her mistakes and to supervise every contact she had with your child from then on, for the rest of eternity, seems OTT to me, unless you always thought she was an appallingly untrustworthy individual (in which case, why did you let your ds go off alone with her the first time?). Since then you have both been exceptionally immature and petty towards each other. From her point of view, you sitting her with the bridesmaids at your wedding probably felt like deliberately rubbing her nose in it and getting your own back, not an olive branch. And refusing to collect your children halfway from the party is punishing your mother for being the gooseberry in the middle of two harridan daughters, tbh, and utterly unfair on your own children. Grow up, even if your sister won't.

I can see both sides here, I am not surprised you were not involved in here wedding, after you told her she cannot see your ds alone. You did not really involve her in yours, so what do you expect. With regards to the car accident, your sister behaved well out of order, she was very selfish and self centred, not telling anyone your ds was in the car as well wtaf! I would have gone non contact then with her.

I agree, car accident was years ago. I was shocked at her wedding 4 years ago to find out that was the reason I was to have nothing to do with the wedding as I thought we had all moved on, but her citing that as a reason has stayed with me. I guess because it means even now (or at least 4 years ago) she felt she was in the right and I was wrong.
In terms of cousins knowing each other...if I thought that was the case yes I'd encourage the kids to go, her daughter doesn't know who I am, I am Clark not Aunty Clark.
My sister wont come to either of my childrens birthdays, we tend to have a family day and a kids event, not really parties at 10 and 11, more sleepovers and theme park trips with mates but if she was that interested she'd make the effort to attend.
The closest she came was when she asked my Mum to babysit so she could go away on my sons birthday. Mum tried cancelling coming to my sons day as she was babysitting and didn't want to drive with a then baby. I must say I did loose my temper at this point and make it clear my Mum was expected and that babysitting for my sister to have a weekend away is not ok if it means cancelling his birthday. Either bring my niece or tell my sister it will have to be another weekend, she bought my niece. That is the only time since we moved that my sister or my niece have come close to seeing my kids (other than the wedding)

You sound as bad as eachother.

She should have contacted you about the accident. But an outright ban on her being alone with your kids was a total over reaction. I can see why 4 years later that still upset her. The ban was still in place I assume?

I was going to say that you sound as bad as each other but, honestly, you come off worse. You seem to be driving all this drama and now you want to go even more drama-llama. You sound like such hard work. You also sound like someone who will not accept an iota of blame in this, so really, what is the point of your post?

My last post doesnt make much sense regarding the family day. We have a family day, people over to see the birthday child, lunch etc and then the kids have a separate day which is their 'party' not that family are expected on days to theme parks etc!

phillip no the ban was not still in place, it lasted about 6 months.
Spare Honestly - I have asked further up the thread what element I am out of order on because I cant see it, but I am willing to accept it's because I am in the situation and not looking at it from outside.

Yes I acknowledge the party is a small issue, but for me its a 4 hour round trip on my only day off for a party I am excluded from, of which I already declined on behalf of the kids. My complaint is everyone else has promised the kids they can go except for me and now I am expected to do one of the journeys

In what way did you think you had moved on since the car accident, though, OP? Presumably, your sister is still banned from spending time alone with your children? How much contact did she actually have with you or your children before her wedding?

You both sound like you have similar traits - hot headed and stubborn. There are bound to be clashes and neither of you want to be the one to back down.

Life's so much better when you can just chill a bit and be civil to people.

Your sister was injured and in hospital, probably in shock and had just been through a traumatic experience. It's hardly surprising that calling you wasn't the first thing on her mind. The responsibility to contact you lay with whoever took responsibility for your son while she was being treated. So the hospital if he was checked over or the police, your parents etc. Possibly it was a misunderstanding as they assumed she was his mother.

What I'm getting from your post is that you're dismissive of your sister and won't go out of your way to involve yourself with her family and you actively put up barriers for her involvement with your family. Yet you expect her to treat you with a lot of consideration and make active efforts to include you. E.g. you want to be one of the first to know about and see new DN and are pissed off when you're not, but when you actually get an invitation to spend time with them you can't be bothered to go to any trouble to accept it. You put up barriers to her spending time with your children but expect her to facilitate you seeing her children and hearing news about them.

I think if you perhaps started treating your sister a bit more as you would like to be treated yourself she might be more amenable to treating you in the same way.

But YABU with the status quo, you can't treat her as a pariah and take or leave her kids depending on your mood but insist that she makes lots of effort to include you with her own family (especially when you turn down that involvement when offered).

No you don't sound worse.

You got angry because your child was in an accident and you weren't informed.
Your sister refuses to attend your dcs, parties. (I'm assuming you invited her after the crash?)
Your sister excluded you from her wedding.
Your sister was invited and included in your wedding.
You sister doesn't invite you to her dcs parties.
Your sister tried to sabotage one of your dcs parties.
Your mother won't say anything to your sister for fear of being ostracised.

Does this sum it up? So where do you not help out the situation?

Well you don't say much. Were there other things that could be held against you?

On this occasion, I think personally, meeting your mum half way seems sensible. No, you don't want to do it. But this isn't about you. It's about your dcs having a normal relationship with their cousin.

I agree massively withdraw. Go quiet. It doesn't have to be soooo obvious as no contact. Protect yourself above all else. But let your dcs have a relationship with hers. Even if it means putting yourself out. That's what we do for our kids when we have difficult family members. I know all about this btw.

Clark please don't take this the wrong way, but AIBU might not be the place for this.

You might find it helpful to take a look at the Stately Homes threads

No I don't think YABU but your sister and Mum have been!

My Mum kept forcing me to have contact with one of my siblings and his family and it all went tits up in a massive way and I've cut all of them off and my Mum stopped having so much to do with them afterwards and my Dad doesn't want to have anything to do with them.

So I should have stuck to what I knew was right.
Your Sister had no reason to hold a grudge you'd done nothing wrong she was the one who thought it was okay to be involved in an accident and choose to not mention the fact that your DS was involved in the accident as well to his Mum or his Grandparents!

Just back away from the relationship with your Sister and either try not to get pulled into conversations about your sister or try changing the subject if/when your Mother does bring her up.

We always only get one side of things. That's how online forums work
OP your relationship sounds like it's built on lots of niggles and thwarted expectations. Of course you should have been told your DS was fine but I would have thought there was a breakdown in communication between your DSIS, DM and you, rather than your DSIS deliberately withheld that information.

I also think YABU about going NC because tbh you're not being realistic. You seem to want to maintain a relationship with your DM. Your DM wants you and your DSIS to have a relationship. Going no contact with your DSIS will be difficult in those circumstances. You can reduce contact but making a big statement about going NC is just adding to the drama.

Did you go to your sister's wedding, or were you banned from it/not invited even as a "normal" guest?

You are as bad as each other and going NC over any of this is completely OTT.

I'm not sure why you assumed that you would be "part of the bridal party" when you say that you have always had a difficulf relationship.

Why was your sister driving your son somewhere?