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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't think I should cook every night

763 replies

LurkyLurkerMcLurkface · 28/09/2016 17:10

I'm on maternity leave at the moment with 8 month DS. DH works full time and is out of the house 8am-6pm. Our evening routine is pretty set, he gets in and takes DS, I get food ready for DS. He'll then sit with DS while he eats. He then does books/bath and I do final feed and settle. I then come down and cook
Every. Fucking. Night
Last night I'd had enough and cooked for myself and left him to it. He's been sulking since.
AIBU to think this should be a shared job?

OP posts:
dreamingofsun · 28/09/2016 19:54

did u have some hobbies pre kids that you could start again? agree with husband that you have an evening off a week, or sat morning or something? and at weekends he does the night feed? or can you arrange to go out with friends without kids and husband babysit?

Mozfan1 · 28/09/2016 19:55

Sorry ladiva I thought u were talking about my other comment! Yeah, he would never moan but he would happily sit with a bag of walkers perfectly happy 🤔

KathArtic · 28/09/2016 19:55

Yes, he could sling something in the oven, tell his wife to relax and he'll look after the baby.

My point is the OP is at home all day and must have a few minutes where she can sling something in the oven, prepare a meal or get something out of the freezer, where the DH isn't.

nicebitofsodaandjam · 28/09/2016 19:55

I can't believe people are being so awful to OP.

OP, I had a crazy clingy first baby - it was hell. A shower was something every other day for 45 seconds while he SCREAMED, he never, ever would be put down, he never ever napped. I had a board level job in a very intense stressful job and did an MBA on the side before having a baby and I swear that wasn't as hard. I adored him but I was in despair. And people who were all 'I fail to see why you can't just POP HIM ON A MAT and CRACK ON WITH COOKING SEVENTY FIVE HOT DINNERS for your poor hubby in one of your seventeen slow cookers' filled me with guilt and frustration.

I now know how hard it was because I have a perfectly averagely behaved baby who is no angel but yes, it is comparatively an absolute piece of piss to look after them, and the first one and still cook for all every day. But completely apples and oranges.

I also agree with everything I've see expat say.

I do actually cook almost everything now because I like cooking and I'm good at it, but DH tidies up. But yes we did have to have a couple of chats about why when once we had both been high level professionals coming home and making one another something easy and healthy to eat, was he now getting a bit like 'What are you making for dinner tonight darling?'

Flowers clingy babies get much easier I promise.

Blueskyrain · 28/09/2016 19:56

*You're home all day with only one child? Yes you should cook!

You are being very unreasonable.

Share the responsibility at the weekend but during the week I would do the cooking.*

Totally agree with this.

HmmmmBop · 28/09/2016 19:57

You are very much out of touch as to what it is like with a baby with separation anxiety,

I have a child with attachment disorder and one with LD, SPD and autism. The oldest would panic if I went out of the room without telling him until he was 11, if I'm elsewhere in the house and he can't hear me he calls out to check that I'm there. There are 13 months between the kids.

I get how hard separation anxiety was for us when they were babies / toddlers. What I don't get is how the OPs husband is being unreasonable, he's giving OP a break from the child as soon as he walks through the door and they have fallen into a routine, OP says herself she should have spoken to him earlier.

It sounds to me like they need to have a rethink about the routine and find something which works for both of them.

PurpleTango · 28/09/2016 19:59

So to recap your hubby is at work all day. You ae at home looking after baby. You don't want to cook food. Hubby is hungry and tired when he comes home and expects dinner. You resent him for expecting a meal on the table. What is your "ideal" solution to your "dilemma" OP?

Original poster
LurkyLurkerMcLurkface · 28/09/2016 20:00

kath I shower before DH leaves. Shit with DS sitting on the bathmat while singing nursery rhythms a lot of the time and can't recall my last cup of tea
pentacle, scallops, fucking thankyou!

OP posts:
dreamingofsun · 28/09/2016 20:00

cooking is irrelevant. she wants a bit of life for herself which doesn't involved baby or household stuff and some sleep

expatinscotland · 28/09/2016 20:02

'You don't want to cook food. Hubby is hungry and tired when he comes home and expects dinner. You resent him for expecting a meal on the table. What is your "ideal" solution to your "dilemma" OP?'

What's his? I was hungry and tired when I came home, but I didn't expect my spouse to have this 'hot meal' all dished up on the table for me like Her Ladyship has arrived because he doesn't care for cooking any more than I do. We worked together on this then, since we both equally aren't that enamoured of it.

trafalgargal · 28/09/2016 20:02

I think you are a victim of your own disorganisation.
I work from home, no babies anymore but I work on the phone so can't flit around doing the domestic goddess bit but preparing a spaghetti Bol or a casserole or stew takes 10-15 minutes max then slamming it on the hob/into the oven and leaving it to do its thing whilst I go back to work. Unless you are seriously saying your baby never sleeps for 15 minutes you could do the same. Stick on rice or spuds and veg or throw a salad together would take minimal time in the evening.
Yes you could batch cook as well and make it easier still.
You do work looking after baby too but to claim you don't have pockets of time to make evenings nicer for everyone is nonsense. You just don't want to.

Mozfan1 · 28/09/2016 20:03

Lurky truth time: I have quite often had to take ds to the toilet with me- even for a poo 😂

HopefulHamster · 28/09/2016 20:05

At some point, op will be back at work and DH will still be doing the same hours so why let him have the luxury of meals being cooked for him every night now when he will have to share duties then?

Op there is a great allergy family meals book I have. I'll look up the link and post again.

NavyandWhite · 28/09/2016 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 28/09/2016 20:08

You say your DH saw cooking as lady work even when you were both working full time. Oh dear. I think you will have to go more hardcore than 2 dinners a night to solve that one. If you keep 5 dinners then that's still very much your job and he could steal all the easy dinners like cheese on toast.

When we had tiny babies, I mostly did all the food shopping (and thus meal planning to know what to buy).

DH did almost all of the cooking. He cooked whatever he fancied from this week's "dinners list" on the fridge. This included such delights as "jacket potato with tuna" and "salmon omelette before the salmon goes out of date".

I recommend that approach as a starting point to break the "cooking is women's work" idea. OK, you've still left yourself with the shopping and planning but that can be dealt with later (maybe when you are back are work).

By the sounds of it he would refuse to do a proper job of planning, shopping, cooking and clearing up on his 2 nights. That's why I would suggest make something his job only.

nicebitofsodaandjam · 28/09/2016 20:10

mozfan god yes, been there, EVERY time

dementedpixie · 28/09/2016 20:11

Why does he get to piss about on the computer while op sorts out bedtime? Couldn't he be helping prep dinner so one or the other can cook it or they can cook it together?

As I said before dh works full time and I dont but he still cooks when he gets home. Some is batch cooked things like curry sauce or Bolognese sauce, etc and then just needs rice/pasta cooking but some needs all the prep done.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 28/09/2016 20:11

Presumably when the baby is sleeping for 15 minutes op is also doing the laundry and most of the cleaning? Or, even, you know, having a hot fucking cup of tea and doing NOTHING for 15 minutes. Or is that not allowed?

TotallyOuting · 28/09/2016 20:11

Excellent post by Penhacked.

And yes, there appear to be loads of posters who haven't RTFT.

TotallyOuting · 28/09/2016 20:12

Presumably when the baby is sleeping for 15 minutes op is also doing the laundry and most of the cleaning? Or, even, you know, having a hot fucking cup of tea and doing NOTHING for 15 minutes. Or is that not allowed?

Ah, bibbity, you wrote the post I just deleted when I decided I couldn't be arsed. Grin

seasidesally · 28/09/2016 20:16

seriously do people really carry a baby about all day and cant manage to do basic house work

NavyandWhite · 28/09/2016 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seasidesally · 28/09/2016 20:23

thank goodness for that

IzzyIsBusy · 28/09/2016 20:23

seriously do people really carry a baby about all day and cant manage to do basic house work

Appatently so.

Does it really take long to put some new pots in a pan of water and some pork/chicken whatever in the oven?

I dont think any women should be a maid to their dp/dh but i fail to see how a simple meal cannot be prepped in 10 hours.
Christ i had twins and a toddler and managed a basic meal everyday.

OP just share out the cooking if it is getting to you so much.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/09/2016 20:26

It's funny, when you have a second baby and a toddler to look after, you basically just strap the baby to you, and get on with your life. Your have to. Lots of sahps find the first baby hard, I guess because it's such a change.