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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't think I should cook every night

763 replies

LurkyLurkerMcLurkface · 28/09/2016 17:10

I'm on maternity leave at the moment with 8 month DS. DH works full time and is out of the house 8am-6pm. Our evening routine is pretty set, he gets in and takes DS, I get food ready for DS. He'll then sit with DS while he eats. He then does books/bath and I do final feed and settle. I then come down and cook
Every. Fucking. Night
Last night I'd had enough and cooked for myself and left him to it. He's been sulking since.
AIBU to think this should be a shared job?

OP posts:
JacquettaWoodville · 30/09/2016 07:51

"And nobody has said they should not share the cooking"

Plenty of people said that very thing izzy, calling OP disorganised etc.

NightNightBadger19962 · 30/09/2016 08:02

hate cooking drudge. we also have a 'help yourself' night once a week - tends to be poached egg/pasta/chickpeas, but I Love that I can just have toast if I fancy. DH gets to have the stuff only he likes. Your ds could have leftovers that day?

UmbongoUnchainedInAPearTreeeee · 30/09/2016 08:46

We do showers in the mornings. So much easier, then you'd be its be fine be free to cook. Although I wouldn't expect the person who's been out of the house all day to be cooking tbh.

Marynary · 30/09/2016 08:49

I always find it quite laughable on threads like this that so many posters (mostly SAHM) jump in to give OP tips on how she should provide her DH with food each night. They insist that cooking is hardly any effort as it just involves "bunging" food in the slow cooker/oven/microwave whilst simultaneously insisting that it would be too much effort for the DH to cook anything considering that he has worked hard all day (presumably unlike the OP).

Fuckingbollocksbugger · 30/09/2016 08:59

I think some posters misread the title as "how can I cook easy meals". Hmm

foxxxyblonde · 30/09/2016 09:00

This reply has been deleted

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MorrisZapp · 30/09/2016 09:06

Foxxxy if you choose to do all that then good luck to you. In the modern world, most adults can provide their own sustenance.

OP is not remotely spoiled, what a ridiculous post. Just because other people's partners are crap or absent, doesn't mean hers gets a free pass.

My DP pulled that one once. Tried to compare himself favourably with a crap dad we know. I literally laughed at him.

Fuckingbollocksbugger · 30/09/2016 09:09

Foxxxy wow ur amazing hun xxxxx

Hmm
motherinferior · 30/09/2016 09:13

As a perhaps side issue, is everyone spending the evening with their partners? It seems to be such a priority for many people that they're prepared to go to sometimes ludicrous lengths. I'd be bored silly (as would he) by hours sitting next to Mr Inferior every night.

JacquettaWoodville · 30/09/2016 09:15

The DH was sitting down faffing on the computer whilst OP settled the baby. Why shouldn't he be boiling pasta in that time?

Whilst he was bathing DS, OP was clearing up from DS's tea. DH could include "cleaning up after DS's tea" as part of his tea giving activity, then OP could start the dinner during bath.

53rdAndBird · 30/09/2016 09:40

Gosh, this is a depressing thread. Totally agree with those PP saying that you can tell who's had easy babies... "Just pop him on a mat while you cook", hahaha.

OTOH I am delighted to learn that nobody should be expected to cook after working at a paid job all day. Feet up for me and DH tonight, then! Maybe we could ask a local SAHM to pop round and cook for us?

NataliaOsipova · 30/09/2016 09:53

I always find it quite laughable on threads like this that so many posters (mostly SAHM) jump in to give OP tips on how she should provide her DH with food each night. They insist that cooking is hardly any effort as it just involves "bunging" food in the slow cooker/oven/microwave whilst simultaneously insisting that it would be too much effort for the DH to cook anything considering that he has worked hard all day (presumably unlike the OP).

If that is aimed at me, Marynary, then you have completely misread my argument. Many of the easiest, reasonably healthy meals simply do require a "bung" in the oven. What they also require, however is time to cook in there. As a SAHM, I will likely as not be standing right next to the oven at 6pm, as I will be preparing some food for my children. If I take the 60 seconds to "bung" in supper for DH and me at that point, it will be ready for, say, 8pm when he is in and has seen the kids. Of course, alternatively, I could asset myself. Free myself from the grip of patriarchal oppression that surrounds me. I could wait until he got home, point out to him that my job is to look after our children and not to cook for him. "You are a grown man, DH", I could say. "If you employed a nanny for our children, she would not be cooking for you." By this point however, it would be 8.15. So - yes, of course, DH could switch on the oven and put in the chicken and potatoes and yes, it would take him the same amount of time theoretically, anyway, but we wouldn't get to eat until 10pm. Or we could eat egg on toast, which is quick but not what either of us would choose. Bloody ridiculous - and not how you work as a successful team in any context.

Fuckingbollocksbugger · 30/09/2016 09:58

natalia but you are happy to cook for your DH every night. OP is not.

I too am happy to cook every night. I enjoy it. OP doesn't.

NataliaOsipova · 30/09/2016 10:06

Fucking I wouldn't choose "happy" as the best descriptor, to be honest. I don't particularly enjoy it; left to my own devices, I'd probably just have wine and crisps a sandwich every night. But we are a team, so that means taking the preferences and circumstances of the other party into account. I do it because it is practically easier and more convenient for me to do so. Similarly, my DH will always get my car fixed and serviced. Not because it's a "man's job", or I couldn't do it myself, but because the garage is right by a station he can use to get to work and it'd take me all day with the kids in tow.

Original poster
LurkyLurkerMcLurkface · 30/09/2016 10:07

I thought this thread had slipped away!
Yes DH works hard. So do I.

I think we deserve the same downtime, and having a job that ALWAYS defaults to me does not ensure that. I also think that's a terrible example for my DS.
He did fajitas last night, and had finished them and had to keep them warm before I was downstairs as DS takes a while to settle. Our current arrangement is clearly not sensible.
TBH my impression of some responses is 'well I have it bad AND SO SHOULD YOU' um no.
I am working on getting DS to play on his own for short periods but he is 8 months old and leaving him to scream is not something I'm comfortable with. He will get over the seperation anxiety at some point
A pp said she had seen situations where all the housework defaults to the woman. So have I, and this would be the end of my marriage. We're are making progress, I'm aware I need to communicate my needs a bit better. DH needs to get out of the 'you woman, you cook' mindset.

OP posts:
Marynary · 30/09/2016 10:12

NataliaOsipova My post wasn't aimed at any specific poster. There are many people on this thread who seem to think the poster has asked for tips on how to provide her hard working DH with a meal every night and not getting the point that if it is easy for her, it is easy for him.Hmm

Chippednailvarnishing · 30/09/2016 10:13

NataliaOsipova you should get a slow cooker, your DH could put it on in the morning and free you from the patriarchal oppression.

NataliaOsipova · 30/09/2016 10:15

DH needs to get out of the 'you woman, you cook' mindset

Now that's an entirely different point - and a fair one.

NataliaOsipova · 30/09/2016 10:19

Chippednailvarnishing That's a bloody good point. I'll have to dig the box out of the cupboard and dust it off. Slow cookers - freeing women from the shackles of male tyranny everywhere!

(Perhaps I could get a job in the Tefal marketing department with that one? Obviously dinner would be sorted for when I got home as DH would have switched it on. This thread has completely changed my life.....)

Memoires · 30/09/2016 10:22

If you want roast chicken to taste a bit better than hot cardboard, it takes a bit more time and effort than just bunging in the oven. Same with most things tbf.

And if it's easy for you, it's easy for him.

Only1scoop · 30/09/2016 10:22

Good Op
Hope you enjoyed the fajitas ....
Hopefully first of many with desert on the way Wink

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 30/09/2016 10:29

I've never been able to get the knack of a slow cooker. Everything I've tried tastes a bit bland.

NataliaOsipova · 30/09/2016 10:42

And if it's easy for you, it's easy for him.

Except I can do it at any time that suits me, when I am standing in the kitchen. My DH cannot physically do it until he gets home. That means that many things which are easy for me are simply not possible for him, unless we want to eat at past 10pm every night. Despite great strides in modern technology, there is simply no app you can download that will take food out of the fridge and put it into the oven. (In my new enlightened frame of mind, I will grant you that my DH could indeed have switched on the slow cooker God only knows what he would put in there, but that is not germane to this discussion). He has to be physically present to do it - and as he is in London all day, that makes it a heck of a lot easier for me. Fully support the OP's to wanting "woman=cook" to rule; I should reiterate that I'd say exactly the same if the dad were at home on paternity leave. But I just disagree that it's not easier for the person at home all day to cook as his/her physical presence gives so many more options.

NataliaOsipova · 30/09/2016 10:43

...sorry - damned autocorrect. Obviously - fully support that the OP DOESN'T want a woman=cook rule....

Marynary · 30/09/2016 10:49

NataliaOsipova My understanding is that your DH is not home until 8 though which is the time you want to eat. OP's DH is at home at 6 so if they don't normally eat until 8 he is present for a couple of hours before eating and can "bung" things in the oven/microwave etc as easily as her.