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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't think I should cook every night

763 replies

LurkyLurkerMcLurkface · 28/09/2016 17:10

I'm on maternity leave at the moment with 8 month DS. DH works full time and is out of the house 8am-6pm. Our evening routine is pretty set, he gets in and takes DS, I get food ready for DS. He'll then sit with DS while he eats. He then does books/bath and I do final feed and settle. I then come down and cook
Every. Fucking. Night
Last night I'd had enough and cooked for myself and left him to it. He's been sulking since.
AIBU to think this should be a shared job?

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 29/09/2016 19:54

That's life!

That's your life. It's certainly not what I would want out of a relationship, and I'm guessing neither would the OP.

WineIsMyMainVice · 29/09/2016 19:56

Agree with batch cooking advice. Do you have a freezer?
Or when you cook for yourselves (whoever does it), make enough for DS the next night, which can just be re heated. Saves you cooking twice every evening.

Iggi999 · 29/09/2016 19:57

If I posted my immediate response to Doodle's post I would be deleted

Fuckingbollocksbugger · 29/09/2016 19:59

Doodle

I don't even know how to dignify that load of bollocks comment with a response.

motherinferior · 29/09/2016 20:00

For one thing, the OP's husband works considerably shorter hours.

For another...no, I'll get deleted too.

Laineymc7 · 29/09/2016 20:06

My Dp is normally home by 4.30 so we took it in turns but if he was working to 6 or home after 6 I always had dinner ready. Nothing fancy just something easy to eat. I'm back at work now and expecting number two and whoever is at home or home first does dinner. I'd ask him to help at the weekend and say he can cook then or if he's sitting around when he gets home while you are doing stuff just ask him to help. I always have to say can you do bath etc as often men don't see what needs to be done and they need it pointing out.

Fuckingbollocksbugger · 29/09/2016 20:26

men don't see what needs to be done and they need it pointing out.

Again with the low expectations of men. This sort of attitude is part of the problem.

yikesanotherbooboo · 29/09/2016 20:51

I used to feel sorry for DH , who had been out working hard all day and was coming in hungry and looking forward to see the DC. I also felt quite relieved to be able to relinquish the DC for a while to do something different ie cooking which I enjoy. Talk together and make a plan.. You shouldn't have to feel resentful... Make an agreement eg you cook In the week, DH sorts baby, he cooks, at the weekend;1 day something from freezer, 1 day eggs, or baked potatoes , 1 day takeaway or pizza, 2 days only to cook something more elaborate from scratch. This is a short time on your lives and I'm a month or two baby really will be eating the same as you and it will be much easier.
I must admit that my DH was rarely home in time to eat with the DC and so there were 2 sittings. But there is no reason why the baby can't have the leftovers for their supper the next day on a rolling basis

Poor you, I feel your frustration but I'm sure this is easily negotiated

meringue33 · 29/09/2016 21:27

Cook something for all of you, eat with DS and plate up DH's. Then he can do the dishes while you settle DS.

Have you discovered oat cream? You can get it in some health food stores and on Amazon. It's an excellent dairy substitute you can use instead of cheese or cream e.g. in a creamy pasta or creamy chicken recipe. Or you could use it in lasagne, take out DS's portion then put it back in the oven with cheese on top for you and DH.

My DD has multiple allergies - it's a pain but worth finding recipes that work for all of you as I am far too lazy to cook two separate meals!

Good luck, hope you manage to get it all sorted out and get some rest too xx

Nurselle30 · 29/09/2016 21:30

I'm with you op.
I don't think cooking for just you was childish at all. I think it was a 2 fingered salute to your husband.
I'm on maternity leave at present and we had this for months. In the end I got so fed up I stocked the freezer with ping meals for my husband.
I really resented the fact that he thought I should be responsible for his evening meal as well as mine and the 3 children we have.

Doodlemum2 · 29/09/2016 21:48

Wow the knives our out tonight. What a bunch you are! Reminds me why I seldom post on here. Just full of whinging malcontents.

Honestly I've no idea what your problem is. We both work incredibly hard. This works for us and I've no problem with it. I couldn't begin to do what my husband does for our family and likewise he has the upmost respect for what I do. We have a great and very happy life together so head on back to your whinging and I'll get off this thread and go back to enjoying a well earned glass of wine with my doting husband.

DrBronnersWorstNightmare · 29/09/2016 22:10

Doodle I was with you tbh but your husband does work a heck of a lot more than the OP's.

KnackeredKnight · 29/09/2016 22:39

I would love to just have DP take care of kids when he gets home from work! I have 5, 3 and 9 months young children, and have literally done EVERYTHING since DD1 was born 5.5 years ago. From food, to bath to bed, to sort house to cook to clean.

He has changed very few nappies across all 3 kids. I have breastfed all kids so never done the night time duties. And he has never had all 3 kids for more than 20 mins (not even 2 kids for more than half a day) on his own... (in fact not even 1 child for more than half a day on his own!!!).

DP has been left to sort his own food out on numerous occasions as you might imagine, but only if I had a big lunch and was not eating big meal for dinner.

KilgraveMadeMeDoIt · 29/09/2016 22:40

I've not read the full thread, but while he feeds DS and bathes him etc, what do you do? Could you use that time to cook instead? Alternatively use the slow cooker for meals, it takes hardly any time to prepare and there are plenty of meals you can make. You could put DS in a sling/carrier on your back if he doesn't like to be separated from you while you prepare the food for the slow cooker. It's basically just putting things in a pot and turning it on

trafalgargal · 29/09/2016 23:34

Options find 15 mins to prepare something stew or slow cookerish in the day. Dish up whilst he's having his few precious minutes in the working day with his child putting them to bed and have a meal together and relax together for the evening.

or

Sulk whilst he puts child to bed- tell him to cook his own meal and head off to bed with a strop and a slice of toast.

One is the sign of a happy, healthy marriage ......the other.....isn't
If the price for an evening together relaxing is 15 minutes in your day either it's worth it to you or it isn't.

If yopu had four kids you might have a point - but one child who naps at some point in the day ............you just don't.

Iggi999 · 30/09/2016 00:10

And what would those little scenarios look like in reverse, or is the man not involved in trying to ensure his wife's happiness at all?

To the poster whose dh has never been in charge of all three children, well what are you going to do about that? Some day you will not just want but need him to be left with them and the pattern will be far too set to change. He needs to get used to it now, not when you go in for a minor op for a week someday, or head off for your best friend's hen weekend.

UmbongoUnchainedInAPearTreeeee · 30/09/2016 00:48
Shock
MrsTerryPratchett · 30/09/2016 02:39

God these threads depress me. What a bunch of wankers some women are married to and what fucking low opinions we have of men (who have almost every position of power so can't be that useless).

It's not a race to the bottom, just because some men are worse than useless doesn't mean everyone else has to think their lucky stars.

Thank goodness my DH was taught to respect, work with and be a parter to women.

Fuckingbollocksbugger · 30/09/2016 03:22

Thank you MrsTerry. Someone talking sense.

Knackered

Just because your husband is useless doesn't mean the OP's is amazing.

Personally I think men have it made judging by some of the responses on here, if all they have to do is bath and bedtime to be considered excellent and involved fathers.

choli · 30/09/2016 03:31

If you don't want to cook every night, so don't. Surely both you and your DH are capable of throwing together a sandwich or an omelet and salad?

Julius02 · 30/09/2016 03:55

I've been amazed by some of the responses on here but I think Trafalgargal has nailed it.

To quote Fuckingbollocksbugger - 'Personally I think men have it made judging by some of the responses on here, if all they have to do is bath and bedtime to be considered excellent and involved fathers' I think that's pretty offensive. My next door neighbour is a stay at home dad - his wife works pretty much the same hours as the OP, in fact slightly longer. They have a 4 year old and a baby under 1. When she gets home she does bath and bedtime. I think that makes her a pretty involved mother, and while she might not be spending as much time with her children she is working hard to pay the bills and put food on the table for the family.
It works both ways for men and women.

While she's doing bedtime her DH cooks and then they eat together and have some time together.

Julius02 · 30/09/2016 03:56

I've been amazed by some of the responses on here but I think Trafalgargal has nailed it.

To quote Fuckingbollocksbugger - 'Personally I think men have it made judging by some of the responses on here, if all they have to do is bath and bedtime to be considered excellent and involved fathers' I think that's pretty offensive. My next door neighbour is a stay at home dad - his wife works pretty much the same hours as the OP, in fact slightly longer. They have a 4 year old and a baby under 1. When she gets home she does bath and bedtime. I think that makes her a pretty involved mother, and while she might not be spending as much time with her children she is working hard to pay the bills and put food on the table for the family.
It works both ways for men and women.

While she's doing bedtime her DH cooks and then they eat together and have some time together.

Julius02 · 30/09/2016 04:05

Sorry for the double post...

6o6o842 · 30/09/2016 06:42

I cook one meal for all of us (toddler, older kids included) and we eat together when DH gets home. He baths the toddler while I cook, then we eat, then one of us puts the toddler to bed while the other cleans up the kitchen, sorts out the older kids etc. I cook during the week, DH cooks or helps on the weekend and I batch cook if I can. If you don't want to cook every night, maybe work out a routine where your DH cooks as soon as he gets home and you do the other stuff. But you need to talk about it first, you can't just expect him to know what to do. I'd be a bit peeved if I was your DH.

Fuckingbollocksbugger · 30/09/2016 06:57

Julius

I was referring to the many, many comments on here saying how lucky the op is that her DH "helps" her Hmm

Yes of course it works both ways but let's not pretend: the majority of SAHP are women.