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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't think I should cook every night

763 replies

LurkyLurkerMcLurkface · 28/09/2016 17:10

I'm on maternity leave at the moment with 8 month DS. DH works full time and is out of the house 8am-6pm. Our evening routine is pretty set, he gets in and takes DS, I get food ready for DS. He'll then sit with DS while he eats. He then does books/bath and I do final feed and settle. I then come down and cook
Every. Fucking. Night
Last night I'd had enough and cooked for myself and left him to it. He's been sulking since.
AIBU to think this should be a shared job?

OP posts:
MitzyLeFrouf · 29/09/2016 10:25

YANBU OP

Cooking every day is tedious and being expected to cook every day is even more tedious. Tell him he's in charge of dinner for one night at the weekend and two nights during the week. Whether he orders a takeaway or buys a lasagne from M&S,whatever, that's up to him. But you do not need to be a good little wifey and cater for him every single night of the week.

IzzyIsBusy · 29/09/2016 10:29

Neither is sharing the cooking.

And nobody has said they should not share the cooking. It is the attitude of some posters that the working parent because he is a man is treating op like a servent that is ridiculous.
Instead if talking OP threw a strop made herself some toast and pissed off to bed. Apparently thats ok because as a man how dare he assume person at home all day should prep some food or at least tell him in advance its his turn to cook. He should do it all when he gets home regardless Hmm

DollyBarton · 29/09/2016 10:31

I think it should be a partnership and right now it makes sense for you to organise dinner every weeknight. I think your evening schedule isn't helping to be honest. I'd try feeding baby tea at 5pm. Then bath, bottle and bed for 7pm (he could do this while you warm up dinner and plate up) and then you can be fed and dishes cleared away (with his help) both ready to relax at 7.30pm. Just prep it during the day and go for simple things. Also batch cook earlier in the day.

You all need to eat so this is one of those tasks that needs doing one way or the other and to be perfectly honest it makes far more sense for you to get it organised throughout the day rather than him starting in on it after he gets home.

MitzyLeFrouf · 29/09/2016 10:35

'I think it should be a partnership and right now it makes sense for you to organise dinner every weeknight.'

Yes it should be a partnership. And in my mind it would be more of a partnership if he did some of the cooking.

Iggi999 · 29/09/2016 10:36

Is it just "look after baby"+"make dinner" though - I suspect it is "look after the baby"+"clean"+"change beds"+"write shopping list"+"go to shops"+"remember mil's birthday card"+"do all the laundry and put it away" etc etc ad infinbloodyitum.

IzzyIsBusy · 29/09/2016 10:39

Yes it should be a partnership. And in my mind it would be more of a partnership if he did some of the cooking.

Completly agree but to expect him to cook without actually telling him he is then calling him a 1950s husband is a shitty attitude to have. So is calling all the sahp who can manage to cook wifeys/servents/maids. Why put down one persons contribution to family life?
I could not work after the baby as DH earned more than me at that time so i contributed to our family my caring for DC and the home. Why would anyone want to put me down for that by calling me a wifey/servent when it was all i could contribute at the time?

Chippednailvarnishing · 29/09/2016 10:42

you can be fed and dishes cleared away (with his help)

Wow, she even gets to clear away and he gets to help her. Lucky her!

NavyandWhite · 29/09/2016 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MitzyLeFrouf · 29/09/2016 10:46

'Completly agree but to expect him to cook without actually telling him'

The OP said that 'this is not a new argument'. Her having a bit of a strop was not the first time he was given this information.

IzzyIsBusy · 29/09/2016 10:49

I just don't like how on every thread like this the H gets slaughtered when in actuality he is pulling his weight

You cant say that navy he isnt pulling his weight, he should do everything when he gets home as the OP has spent 10 hours holding the baby and mumsnetting. Tut dont you know its not a partnership unless the man does everything without question Wink

IzzyIsBusy · 29/09/2016 10:51

The OP said that 'this is not a new argument'. Her having a bit of a strop was not the first time he was given this information.

Clearly however OP posted today to say after a chat he is cooking tonight so that does make me wonder if she has actually talked to him anout the cooking or just stropped about angry that he hasnt read her mind and known exactly what she wants.

Fuckingbollocksbugger · 29/09/2016 10:52

Fuck me this thread is depressing.

Can we please stop with the "I've seen much worse, op is lucky".

As the mum of a son I don't know why our expectations of men are so low.

mygorgeousmilo · 29/09/2016 10:55

Your are seriously unorganised, and there's the problem. You should cook because you're the one in the house, and you are happy for him to be with the baby once he gets home, so I don't get how he could cook while also giving the baby a couple of hours of direct attention. I don't get issues around dinner, it doesn't take long to prep and get a dinner together. Your baby may be having sleep issues because he's going to bed too late and therefore overtired. I would suggest dinner for all of you on the table for 6 when your husband gets home, then your husband spends the evening with the baby, get him off to bed by 7:30-8pm. You then have the evening left to spend time with your husband. Weekends, shared duties

IzzyIsBusy · 29/09/2016 10:56

As the mum of a son I don't know why our expectations of men are so low.

Mine arent. I expect my sons to have equal responsibility within their own families. I expect my daughters to have the same.

Velvian · 29/09/2016 10:56

The trouble is that money still equals power. Parents at home looking afor their children are not paid. I think it is not unusual for the person earning the money to start exerting their power (however subtly) and for the person not earning to feel powerless. I think this is really what it is about. None of us should be telling someone to cook for their partner. You don't have to do anything for another adult. We don't live in a vacuum and no doubt the OP has other people around her who expect things of now she is "not working". My MIL asked me when I was on mat leave if my "boss had given me a pay rise" -meaning my OH

Chippednailvarnishing · 29/09/2016 10:56

As the mum of a son I don't know why our expectations of men are so low

Mine aren't and neither will my daughter's be.

Only1scoop · 29/09/2016 10:57

Bloody hell its depressing, and getting grimmer by the postConfused

MitzyLeFrouf · 29/09/2016 10:57

Well Izzy as with any thread all we can go on is what the OP has said. So if she says this is an old argument for them as a couple all you can do is either believe her or not.

Chippednailvarnishing · 29/09/2016 11:00

Problem is Velvian that it's women who are perpetuating the problem. If you are a grown adult who expects another person to cook for you every night whilst you "faff on the computer" you're a dick. No excuses.

embo1 · 29/09/2016 11:01

Can you start on dinner when he's looking after baby, then he takes over when you put baby to bed? It sounds like you need to tell him how you feel and come up with a plan that suits you both together. Communication is key to prevent you from seeing red again!!

NightWanderer · 29/09/2016 11:04

I must admit I hated cooking for ExH. He just used to sit there on the sofa expectantly why I had to cook for him. Why? Why the fuck was it my job to cook, while he sat on his fat arse doing nothing? I was busy all day too. I actually found it really demeaning. I know not everyone does, but I really did. I can totally understand why the OP saw red.

Ragwort · 29/09/2016 11:05

Would we honestly be saying that the same if it was Dad at home with an 8 month old (not a new born and assuming no SN) ............... if my DH was at home and I was out 8am-6pm I would hope that he would have had time to prepare an evening meal.

Velvian · 29/09/2016 11:06

For the record Chipped; I work 3 days, organise all child care, do the washing, shopping, cook every night of the effing week, as well as looking after a toddler on the days I don't work. Funnily enough, I pay a nanny to just look after the children on the days I work; she doesn't have to cook & clean & she gets a wage.

IzzyIsBusy · 29/09/2016 11:07

Bloody hell its depressing, and getting grimmer by the post confused

Really. Depressing. Why? Is it because people think the one with 10 hours at home 5 days a week should do the majority of the home stuff? Because logistically they have the time to do it unlike the one who is out of the house for that time.
Its not like the DH is spending his day pursuing his hobby or in the pub. He is at work. Earning money to support the family while mum is able to stay at home and raise their child. Niether task is easy but that was the choice both made when they chose to have a child.

What is depressing on this thread is the attitude of some which puts down the contribution both parents make to family life. Whether that be those who cook/clean for the working partner are called servents and wifey or the working partner because all they do is go to work and have an easy life of set breaks and free head space.

MitzyLeFrouf · 29/09/2016 11:07

'Would we honestly be saying that the same if it was Dad at home with an 8 month old'

Yes. I don't think any one person should be expected to do all the cooking if they don't want to. It's very easy to make arrangements to share the cooking that doesn't create loads of work for the person who's been out of the house all day.