I don't think I should cook every night

[LurkyLurkerMcLurkface]

I'm on maternity leave at the moment with 8 month DS. DH works full time and is out of the house 8am-6pm. Our evening routine is pretty set, he gets in and takes DS, I get food ready for DS. He'll then sit with DS while he eats. He then does books/bath and I do final feed and settle. I then come down and cook
Every. Fucking. Night
Last night I'd had enough and cooked for myself and left him to it. He's been sulking since.
AIBU to think this should be a shared job?

WOAH. Did you just say that a woman earning more than her husband is an exception to a rule?? What rule?? This is 2016. I earn almost double to my DH. He works more hours than me, his job is physically harder than my office based job but we are equal partners in this. It seems fucking you do a lot in your household, but please don't think it's the norm... it's not, us women are holding it down just fine!! Maybe this thread has hit a nerve, please get more help for the sake of your sanity. X

It's hardly offensive, it's statistical fact. Men earn more than women. confused

In some jobs maybe but not all. It is offensive as i am not an exception. I am not paid more becsuse of my sex. I am paid more because i earned it. Years of hard work and learning my trade.

You have somehow confused this thread with a "men vs women" one. It isnt that. It us a who has more time at home to do the home stuff thread.

I said men earn more than women.

They do.

It's a fact, not an opinion.

I don't need help . I do a lot because I'm on maternity leave with a high needs baby and that's how things are. I was merely pointing out the reasons why op may not be up for cooking.

after reading this thread im counting my lucky stars im single and already have my children as if i was younger reading this sounds like living and being in a relationship and having children sounds really miserable

and i dont just mean op's situation

I'm on maternity leave again, having had an extremely high needs baby the first time around (literally couldn't put her down - she would scream until she went purple, wouldn't nap unless on someone, I had to put her in a sling to actually use my hands. In her lifetime she has self-settled once). She's still like that. DD2 is nothing like her, hasn't been like her since birth, and I don't expect her to develop like that. I absolutely understand that with a baby like that it is impossible to do anything else - listening to that sort of screaming is enough to drive you demented and you'll do anything to avoid it.

Also, being a new parent to a young baby, ESPECIALLY if you're breastfeeding is a 24/7 job. You don't get to do your hours and clock off when you're done. Or have an hour's commute to listen to music/read your book/mess about on your phone in silence. Unlike most husbands, no matter how involved they are.

The rule in our house is that we both sit down of an evening at the same time. Everything has to be done, and it tends to be divided up depending on who fancies what, but neither one of us lolls about eating grapes while the other rushes around 'providing' for them. DH comes in, asks me if I fancy cooking, if I do he takes the baby and does pre bedtime things, if not then he cooks and i do them. We eat together, then I settle DD2 while he does bedtime for DD1. He comes down from bedtime, takes DD2, pops her in her cot, we meet on the sofa for gin and relaxation.

If I've had a good day with the DC or DD1 has been at preschool, I might get a more complex dinner or some tidying done. If I'm exhausted from a bad night or DD1 is being particularly trying, the house looks like a bomb disaster zone when he gets in. When DD1 was a baby it tended towards that - so we both got stuck in at weekends, in the same way that we did when I was back at work. Because some babies are more full time to look after than others.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP.

Dairy free is an utter sod for quick easy convenience meals. Most microwave meals contain dairy, normal pesto contains dairy, baked potato is frankly pointless without cheese. Even worse if your well stocked freezer is full of stuff you can't eat!

BLW is also much more faffy dairy free.

With time dairy free does get easier - curry with Coconut milk batch cooks well, suet (veg or normal) makes a decent pastry/dumpling topping for stews and hummous and tomato puree/sauce can kind of substitute for pizza!

I never managed to cook every day - although I did tend to throw the child at DH on his return home so I got a change. Cooking wasn't (isn't) so much the issue as deciding what to cook - would happily cook what DH buys/chooses yo get out but actually planning the meal every night really gets to me as I get stuck in a total rut!

there is a point about wages. Young women tend to earn the same (ish) as men. The older you get, the worse you earn in comparison. This is frequently because of a few relevant factors. Women are seen as less of a good risk for promotions because of childbirth. They are more likely to work part time, ditto. If they take time, they lose out.

Ironically, this is also the reason why women often have to be the one in their family that takes maternity, because they couldn't pay the rent/mortgage on their salary alone.

Vicious circle.

Therefore their labour becomes unpaid, largely unappreciated and they are more open to things like financial abuse. They are present at home and can therefore do the shitwork, the caring for relatives, the family brain crap and all the nasty, dirty, unpaid, unappreciated nonsense.

This does not correct later and since most of the money we make is made after we are young, women's earnings and therefore status, pensions and worth is much less into old age.

But it's just about this poor bloke not getting dinner. The personal is political.

Agree mrsterry if it were feasible I would end maternity early and go back to work.

Maybe she was up with the baby.

All these men who shouldn't have to cook after coming home at 6, 7, 8pm or whatever. How did they survive before having a kid? Or before meeting their partner?

My DP keeps himself alive admirably. It didn't change after he became a father.

Quite

I'd have made my own toast that night too Op

MrsTerry I applaud you.

I'm glad some people have pointed out that you can't just cook in the day with some babies. Early in the thread the explanation of how easily the OP could do that was getting a bit patronising. As though she wouldnt have thought of that already abs done it already if she could.

Have we yet coined the term 'mumsplaining' for this sort of thing?

Why do so many people cook separate meals for their children? ? Unless your baby/child is on a very restricted diet surely it is much easier to all eat the same? You can add salt/chilli/wine/whatever to the adults' portions. Even when DS was weaning he would always eat more or less the same as us so it was never such a faff to cook two separate meals.

I do find these sorts of threads depressing when it's all so competitive about who 'works the harder' - personally my years as a SAHM were a piece of cake compared to my job now - in an environment when you can never take a lunch break, finish your coffee, leave on time etc etc (yes, I know it's 'illegal' but where there are no other job options I don't have a choice). I do appreciate every situation is different but I wonder how the OP's baby (8 months old??) is going to cope when she returns to work if he really is as clingy as the OP says?

izzy

fucking didn't say you were paid more because of your sex

Get a play pen for the baby.

Just because you can't eat the batch cooked stuff, doesn't mean DH can't. Use that up with him and have what you want.

You can cook during the day, put the baby in a playpen or cot and cook with them in the room. I do know all babies are different but and 8 month old isn't feeding on demand or cluster feeding. Letting them cry isn't the same as making them cry.

YANBU about not wanting to cook all the time btw (I agree with pp who said before having a child men manage to feed themselves so why not after) but I sounds a bit like you're unwilling to put the baby down ever to do stuff.

One baby is a doddle. If you're one of those mums that doesn't brush their hair because they're too tired/busy then same deal - get a playpen!

Of it is impossible to do anything with a baby at home, then people who have two or more must be superhuman...

If your baby went to a nursery or childminder, they wouldn't have attention 100% of the time, even if very clingy. Whilst I'm not saying it's easy, I think it's a fair division of labour that the person who stays home cooks in the week.

All these men who shouldn't have to cook after coming home at 6, 7, 8pm or whatever. How did they survive before having a kid?

This is fair - but when I think back (I used to flatshare with 3 single blokes, all of whom I'm still friends with), they all lived off ready meals, takeaways or went out. One of them always ate a main meal at lunchtime at work and so usually just made a sandwich or something if he was at home in the evening. The single ones still do this, as far as I know - it's wholly different from cooking for a partner or for a family.

As to the who has had the harder day question - it's tough to judge anyone else's circumstances and not very helpful to do so. But the pp who described her husband's day in an office failed to mention the fact that he probably had meetings, deadlines, clients on the phone, a boss to answer to/people to manage if he is the boss. The one thing that IS (at least I think so!) easier about being at home is that you are effectively, the Chief Executive and you have autonomy over your day. Had a rough night's sleep? It's awful, but it's your call if you decide to spend the morning with your baby in your nightie drinking tea with daytime TV on. Feeling a bit brighter and fancy getting out and meeting a friend for coffee? Again up to you. And that's where the cooking thing comes in..... There are loads of things which are super easy to cook (think roast meat and jacket potatoes) - you just have to be there to bung them in the oven 2 hours (or whatever) before you want to eat them. There are loads of things which are easy to prepare but take a long time to cook. The person at home has the option to make something in the morning for the evening. Or to stick the oven on at 5pm. You get my drift. The person commuting who gets in at 6 and then wants a bit of time with his baby has far fewer options (assuming you both want food before midnight).

I totally agree with the above. I used to put my baby in a bouncy chair by kitchen door so she could see me. Give her some little toys or cloth book. And later on a bumbo or doughnut thing. She fell asleep plenty of times in that doughnut. I remember going away back to my hometown for a few days when she was about six months. I stayed in a relatives house while they were away so was cooking every night. Sometimes shed cry but most of the time she'd be fine after a while. It's hard but I don't think they should be constantly in your arms.

Jesus wept! Like the 1950s in here. It's Mat Leave not Wifey Leave.

Isn't it just.

If the OP doesn't want to do all the cooking she shouldn't bloody have to. I'm sure even her poor exhausted husband could manage a stir fry.

He could buy something for both of you in his lunch break. YANBU looking after a baby/children in general is the definition of a thankless task. You lose all the former markers of success & gratitude; pay, promotion...I don't think it was childish, at times I feel infantalised with being the one taking care of the kids (& of course the house & husband). It indicates that this was the only way you cold make yourself heard. I feel for you. I have times like this.

Go back to work OP asap, before you catch 1950'ilitis. The symptoms include cooking being womens work and a general attitude of servitude to anyone who works.

Ffs listen to yourselves

Sharing life is not a 1950s attitude. OP is at home all day so cooking/prepping can be done in advance. It is just simply true. It is not about cooking for him because he is a man it is about being the one with the time to do it. If he was a sahd i would say he should do the cooking in the week too. Let the working parent cook on days off/weekends.

It is not about the sex of the person at home and to make comments like those above makes you look like you are trying sooooo hard to be right on femminists but all you are doing is making yourselves sound like idiots.

Sharing life is not a 1950s attitude

Neither is sharing the cooking.

It's not the 1950''s, if it were, I think many of you would be shocked. Housework was harder without modern appliances, washing a PITA etc, plus often lots of children at home (lack of birth control) plus doing all the housework, cooking, child rearing yourself with little to no help from the father.

That can't be compared with someone at home with one child finding the time to bung 2 jacket potatoes in the oven.

Seriously, how do these people cope with more than one child?