I don't think I should cook every night

[LurkyLurkerMcLurkface]

I'm on maternity leave at the moment with 8 month DS. DH works full time and is out of the house 8am-6pm. Our evening routine is pretty set, he gets in and takes DS, I get food ready for DS. He'll then sit with DS while he eats. He then does books/bath and I do final feed and settle. I then come down and cook
Every. Fucking. Night
Last night I'd had enough and cooked for myself and left him to it. He's been sulking since.
AIBU to think this should be a shared job?

Honestly , one child and all day , no I really don't understand how hard it is to prep a simple meal in advance.

Many people employ nannies, au pairs and childminders to care for multiple children and they all seem to manage yet one mother , one child and it's impossible. I think it's a case of not wanting to make it work.

I found maternity leave pretty limiting because it was boring but it wasn't exhausting, not with one child. My son's father worked long and unpredictable hours so could be home any time from 7pm til midnight so any help during the week was a non starter. We ate a lot of slow cooker meals, casseroles, chilli, anything that didn't need fussing over.

In the OPs situation how much nicer to have the main dish done so she can leave her DH to do the putting to bed whilst she dishes up and they sit down together the two of them by 7.30 and have time together for the evening. No to stomping off with a slice of toast and a bad atmosphere, she gets to hand over and he gets one to one time and they get time together. I'd have loved to sit down to dinner with my husband reliably before 8pm and its so easy to achieve.

Now the kids are grown my present partner and I both work full time, and we both work opposing hours at times so whoever has the time cooks or preps the meal. It isn't his job or mine it's whoever is physically present to do it so we can both eat at a decent time and spend time together. It's certainly not gender based. I had to work (from home) Christmas morning. He was more than capable of doing the prep but I got up early to do it, he then did the lion's share and we ate when I'd finished. You do what works best for all , if that means sealing some meat and veg and tipping them into a pot to cook and remembering to add jacket spuds at 6.30 leaving one person to simply make up a salad , cook a few green beans etc and dish up allowing for a relaxed meal and time to relax after ......why does it matter if the person doing it is male or female. Working out the best time efficient ways and getting into the habit of batch cooking will pay huge dividends when Mat leave is over too.

I never said working was an easy life. I said, IMO, it's mentally easier than being at home with a baby all day.

DP agrees with me,izzy, so not really sure why you should take umbrage with that. He frequently says he couldn't do what I do all day.

Also bathing a baby and story time is the "fun" part of parenting no? Not the drudge stuff.

You've misunderstood my point Velvian.

I wasn't disagreeing with you, but it is clear from this thread the number of (I'm assuming) women suggesting different ways for the OP to cook and completely ignoring the other grown adult sitting there waiting to be fed.

So would I, I love cooking. I was merely pointing out that bath and story time is not exactly hard labour after the working day.

I'd rather cook than bath and story ANY day of the week.

But the OP wouldn't. And that's the point.

To be honest, thinking about it, if I did all the drudge stuff with baby all day, then dp got to come home from work & do our lovely bedtime routine while I cooked him dinner, I'd be pretty fucked off.

My Dh missed the first roll over/steps/word as well as the first day at reception class and afternoon cuddles. I belueve i got the better end of the deal. Yes i dealt with the drudgery too but seeing all those firsts for each child made up for it.

Sorry Chipped (haven't learnt tagging people yet) You mean women expecting things of other women eg MIL?

Reading this... why does everyone make such a big deal out of day to day tasks that really shouldnt be that difficult??

Not sure why it has to be this competition all the time of who has it worst!? Doesnt sound like her husband works the longest of hours so I'm sure he could manage to cook as could the OP.

But OP probably just can't be bothered to cook every single day, which is fair enough.

'why don't you do bath and bedtime while he cooks occasionally?'

Certainly seems to be the obvious solution!

Why the drama? Throw something like a sweet potato in the oven at 6pm. Fry a tuna steak and open a bag of salad - takes all of 5 mins. Or do a stir fry. These things are as hard as you make them. It's hardly catering for the 5,000. If you'd rather do the bath etc, then do that, but I don't think it's fair to ask him to do both.

Yes Velvian. Your MIL's comment is a classic example!

Urgh, I often work from home, and TBH, I probably 'do' more work when at home, than my husband does some days in the office. But because I am physically present at home, its much easier for me to bung a load of washing in, or put something in the slow cooker than it is for him.

So ignoring the 'who has it harder' pity contest, surely it makes sense for the person who is actually physically present where the kitchen is, to at least start dinner. It will often take less time than writing a post on mumsnet...

I think it would be unfair to expect him to cook in the week, whilst the OP does bath/bed etc, as its his only time with his child during the week.

Otherwise, he'd be a virtual stranger to his child :-(

i certanly would NOT be expecting to cook a meal if i was at work all day while my husband stayed at home with a baby.

Im a stay at home mum to four children and my husband works mon-fri and i cook every night, if i can't be bothered (usually on full on after school activities days!) i just order a take away.

what helped me with a clingy baby who was breastfed constantly for the first 12 months was a sling. i would just pop him in there and potter about, he liked being close to me and would usually fall asleep pretty quickly.

weekends you can share, go out or whatever but honestly it would have never occured to me not to cook if i was at home all day. like someone else said, it just makes sense because i'm in the kitchen while my husband is 100 miles away.

i certanly would NOT be expecting to cook a meal if i was at work all day while my husband stayed at home with a baby.

Im a stay at home mum to four children and my husband works mon-fri and i cook every night, if i can't be bothered (usually on full on after school activities days!) i just order a take away.

what helped me with a clingy baby who was breastfed constantly for the first 12 months was a sling. i would just pop him in there and potter about, he liked being close to me and would usually fall asleep pretty quickly.

weekends you can share, go out or whatever but honestly it would have never occured to me not to cook if i was at home all day. like someone else said, it just makes sense because i'm in the kitchen while my husband is 100 miles away.

OP, I have five children.

My first four were easy, they slept a lot, they didn't cry much and I never understood parents who said they couldn't get anything done.

Until number 5 arrived. She was a nightmare, she cried and cried and cried. if I put her down she would wake up and cry so much she would go all red and throw up. I had to leave her to cry sometimes when I simply had no choice but she wouldn't settle eventually, no matter how many people told me she would. She would even cry while I was carrying her, in the car or in the pram. So I get it now.

DH is a SAHD/disabled and yes, I 'expect' him to have tea sorted out, but my oldest is now 17 and the youngest is 7 so he has all day to sort something out so unless he is really ill or has been especially busy I wouldn't be happy to come home and not have tea prepared.

You have a young baby who is clingy and your dh is capable of making himself something to eat if you have had a day where you just can't be arsed to cook because you haven't had a minute to yourself. Having a baby is a big adjustment, talk to him and try to work together.

Whilst I did most of the housework (during the day) when my children were babies, I certainly didn't cook all the evening meal. As far as I am concerned if we are both at home we're both able to cook. I don't get all this 1950s crap about hard working men being too tired to make a meal. Women who work full time almost always cook at least some evening meals so why should men who work not do the same?

I don't think anyone thinks the other partner shouldn't step up and either cook or order takeaway if the SAH has had a particularly bad day but special needs aside every week day on maternity leave is not a bad day (and if it is then there may be something else like illness (parent or child) or PND going on and needing addressing)

Honestly, this can be tackled if both partners approach it with kindness and respect for what the other one's been doing all day. If I've had a good day with the kids, or have something easy planned, I'll tell DH what I'm doing for supper. If not, one of us starts the conversation off with, "What shall we do for supper?" and the least knackered one rustles something up. If I'm on my knees, DH might go out for oven pizza. If he can't face going out again, I might dig some soup and bread out of the freezer. Sometimes we fend for ourselves if one just wants toast. I do the shopping online and I make sure we have a few easy things in that DH can do (I'm the more experienced cook).

It wouldn't work if he arrived home expecting me to have it all sorted, even though I do sort it say 80% of the time, because some nights the kids have taken all the oomph out of me and I just can't. He never assumes I will do it, and I make sure I do whenever I have the energy, and we each trust one another to contribute what we can. If I say I'm knackered, DH believes me, because he loves me and knows I'm not a lazy arse. We've never needed to argue about it.

Childcare is work. Some children are easier than others, some days are easier than others. SAHPs need time to switch off too, and like anybody they sometimes need to feel cared for instead of like perpetual skivvies for everyone around them.