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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't think I should cook every night

763 replies

LurkyLurkerMcLurkface · 28/09/2016 17:10

I'm on maternity leave at the moment with 8 month DS. DH works full time and is out of the house 8am-6pm. Our evening routine is pretty set, he gets in and takes DS, I get food ready for DS. He'll then sit with DS while he eats. He then does books/bath and I do final feed and settle. I then come down and cook
Every. Fucking. Night
Last night I'd had enough and cooked for myself and left him to it. He's been sulking since.
AIBU to think this should be a shared job?

OP posts:

IzzyIsBusy · 28/09/2016 22:59

Domestic chores are to be split between you and your partner if needed. Really sad at the amount of posters who think maternity leave = domestic slave.

Not one poster said that or even hinted at it. Some posters just love to make things up

Fuckingbollocksbugger · 28/09/2016 22:59

Natalia

No, and presumably the op doesn't have the option not to be on maternity leave 7 days a week, 24 hours a day either.

I say this up with the baby, who is crying, while DH sleeps peacefully next to me because that's right - he has to work tomorrow!

Fuckingbollocksbugger · 28/09/2016 23:00

phoenix

Well then your oh was shit. Doesn't make the op "lucky". Her oh is also the parent of this child and owns this home, presumably.

IzzyIsBusy · 28/09/2016 23:01

No, and presumably the op doesn't have the option not to be on maternity leave 7 days a week, 24 hours a day either.

Yes she does. She can go back to work. Her DH can be the sahp or put baby in childcare.

Fuckingbollocksbugger · 28/09/2016 23:02

izzy

Not sure about the op but for me, for instance, that wouldn't be feasible as dp earns 4x as much as me.

clumsyduck · 28/09/2016 23:03

Yeh I don't get the "your lucky because my dh did nothing " way of thinking either

My ex cheated and left me pregnant and alone, so really I mean your lucky your dp is even there at all. Come on

IzzyIsBusy · 28/09/2016 23:04

Not sure about the op but for me, for instance, that wouldn't be feasible as dp earns 4x as much as me.

Ahh so your DP has no choice but to work then. See it works both ways doesnt it?

SpecialStains · 28/09/2016 23:07

There's a lot of mummy martyrs on this thread - fuck that!

Op should not have to cook for another adult every night if she doesn't want to. He'd have to feed himself if he was single, or hopefully he did his share of cooking before dc as op also has a full time job.

Mummydummy · 28/09/2016 23:10

Good point made earlier. How do men who don't have kids manage to go to the gym and feed themselves? They must be utterly exhausted after a whole day at work.

MouseLove · 28/09/2016 23:11

Sit down together and work out a meal plan. This will save you 98% of the arguments. Set out clear rules of who is cooking and what is expected. If I had the same problems with my hubby we wouldn't eat. We are both so indecisive. So we plan ahead. I have a planner set out on my dining room table and it lists our meals for the week. There no "what's for tea" conversations anymore.

There's also LOADS of slow cooker meals you can make that isn't mush. I use mine twice a week. Chuck some chicken breasts in there with a cooking sauce... serve with veg and it's a pretty quick meal. You could even be super lazy and get a bag of microwave veg. It's all about prioritising what's more important right now and that's your baby. A jacket potato with some cheese and beans is a good meal. Chuck some potatoes in the oven at 4pm and they will be lovely and soft by 6pm. You could do stuffed peppers, mushrooms, sweet potatoes

IzzyIsBusy · 28/09/2016 23:12

There's a lot of mummy martyrs on this thread - fuck that!

Fuck off mummy martyrs

My DH worked as a family. He earned and i managed ghe home. At weekends we shared the responsibilities. Nothing to do with being a martyr it was about appreciating the fact DH spent 12 hours a day away from his family to make sure we had money to live. I showed my appreciation by cooking him food. It was nowhere near as difficult as his job or being away from his children.

IzzyIsBusy · 28/09/2016 23:14

Good point made earlier. How do men who don't have kids manage to go to the gym and feed themselves? They must be utterly exhausted after a whole day at work.

How does a women manage the same? Because apparently being at home all day makes it harder to cook and clean than it did when she worked all day?

Fuckingbollocksbugger · 28/09/2016 23:14

izzy

yes and ask yourself why he earns more!

Sigh.

SpecialStains · 28/09/2016 23:14

That's great izzy, but it's not the ops circumstance, is it? She's on paid maternity leave with her own income, not a stay at home wife. If she doesn't want to cook for her dh every night, she shouldn't have to.

IzzyIsBusy · 28/09/2016 23:16

Him earning more has fuck all to do with this thread Fucking i know you are saying it because hes a man. It probably is.

I earn more than DP and work less hours so what?

WomanActually · 28/09/2016 23:18

If being a sahp is such a doddle and it's really not hard to have housework done, meal on table and happy child, and involves lots of sitting around, then why are more men not doing it?

People are making out like cooking is a piece of piss,and how easy it is to bung something in the oven, while at the same time saying it's a big request of dh doing it? If it's so easy for OP to do, then it should be easy for the DH too?

I went through different phases with dd, I worked in a nursery with 6 babies and some days those babies together were a lot easier than she was, at other times being at work was harder. When I was home, some days I got lots done, some days I got fuck all done, as long as dds needs were met then my job was done, dh still did the stuff he did before my maternity leave and didn't think "you're at home now so you can have my share too"

I'm happy for those of you who have managed to get everything done, I really am, but sometimes many women struggle and that's normal and ok. Marriage is a partnership, if it only takes a few mins to bung something in the oven, then it's not a big deal for the DH to do it a few evenings a week really.

IzzyIsBusy · 28/09/2016 23:19

If she doesn't want to cook for her dh every night, she shouldn't have to.

And if you read the replys the majority agrees she should not have to and he should cook weekends/ alternate days. But i bet she would get the hump if he just cooked for himself as, well, shes an adult and cooked for herself before she met him. Which is what a number of posters have trotted out about her DH. .

DowntonDiva · 28/09/2016 23:21

I've returned to work. DP is on shared maternity leave. He hasn't cooked for me once. That's because he's looking after a baby all day.

I bring dinner in on my way home from work. He did the same when I was on maternity leave. When DD naps we both run a cloth over surfaces, put a wash on, do bottles etc. Or just take a second to sit down and take a deep breath.

We have quick easy dinners - omelette, occasionally stew/chilli left over from the weekend. Any meat/fish in a tin foil parcel in the over with some veg. We "tag team" the meal prep and eating. The priority is our DD doing her bath, medicine, bedtime.

We've both had to do the toilet with the baby strapped to us. We know there's fuck all time to be preparing dinner. So neither of us are precious.

When I'm at work i get to eat lunch with two hands, go to the loo by myself, drink a hot coffee. I commute on the Jubilee line it's grim. But I get peace. DP is lucky if he gets to do one of those things. He's not there to feed me when I get home. I'm a big girl I can find the oven myself.

IzzyIsBusy · 28/09/2016 23:22

People are making out like cooking is a piece of piss,and how easy it is to bung something in the oven, while at the same time saying it's a big request of dh doing it

Because OP is at home for 10 hours while her DH is out of the house for 10 hours then he comes home spends time with baby and by now its 7:30 and they are both shattered.
Granted he should do all the weekend cooking as i said earlier but during the week whats the OPs problem?

Fuckingbollocksbugger · 28/09/2016 23:22

Here's DP's day vs my day (weekdays)

Dp:

Gets up after a full nights' sleep, has shower in peace, has breakfast in peace, walks to station while listening to music, train into central London. Works hard at the office all day interspersed with coffee breaks. Takes a walk on his own briefly at lunch. Works all afternoon. Commute home, back home 7pm. Baby already in bed, dp can sit and relax over dinner. Goes to bed, has full nights sleep.

My day

Wake after 5 hours' broken sleep, attempt to have shower with screaming baby, give up on breakfast, spend next 12 hours cleaning up poo, sick, mushed up toast, trying to get a baby in pain to nap, eventually get baby to sleep. Cook dinner. Have maybe an hour to relax before baby wakes, repeat process.

Even dp admits his job is nowhere near as hard as mine because I am never off duty.

Fuckingbollocksbugger · 28/09/2016 23:24

izzy

I'm afraid it has everything to do with this thread, but that's a whole other thread in itself.

You may well earn more than your oh, but you are the exception which proves the rule.

IzzyIsBusy · 28/09/2016 23:27

So. You are at jome all day Fucking.

Its not about the harder day.
Your DH can hardly do all the laundry and cook meals plus shopping and seeing to the DC when he is not thete to do it can he?
There are only so many hours in a day.

Do you beat him up for it?
Do you demand he does more at home in the evenings?
Get up with the baby?

mellowfartfulness · 28/09/2016 23:29

I know what you mean about the lack of headspace, OP. I know I find it overwhelming being at home with tiny ones - never being able to set the baby's needs aside to fully focus on something else, let alone my own needs. You feed the baby. You change the baby. You cuddle the baby. You grab food for yourself as and when the opportunity arises. You don't even get to shit in peace. And when the baby's in bed, you don't get that headspace back to just breathe or actually finish a train of thought - your partner turns to you and wants to know what you're going to do about HIS basic needs. He who got a lunch break, for example, and toilet breaks where his boss presumably did not follow him into the bog and make him carry on working. Yes he worked hard for the benefit of the household, but the demands on you aren't any less, they're just different. Some days you need someone else to care for you, or at least share the work of meeting both adults' needs, if you're ever going to recharge your batteries.

Some people don't find it that tough. Good for them. They'd probably struggle with some things you or I find a breeze. People are different. (Though if sitting around the house with a baby is piss easy, I don't see why it's then so impressive that dad "helps" with the evening routine after a day of work.)

IzzyIsBusy · 28/09/2016 23:30

I'm afraid it has everything to do with this thread, but that's a whole other thread in itself.

How? Where has the OP posted he earns more because hes a man? Did i miss it?

You may well earn more than your oh, but you are the exception which proves the rule.
No i am not. I have higher qualifications to DP and work in a diffetent field. I am paid more because i earned it and have years of experience. Nothing to do with being the exception to the rule. What an offensive thing to say.

Fuckingbollocksbugger · 28/09/2016 23:31

It's hardly offensive, it's statistical fact. Men earn more than women.

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