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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't think I should cook every night

763 replies

LurkyLurkerMcLurkface · 28/09/2016 17:10

I'm on maternity leave at the moment with 8 month DS. DH works full time and is out of the house 8am-6pm. Our evening routine is pretty set, he gets in and takes DS, I get food ready for DS. He'll then sit with DS while he eats. He then does books/bath and I do final feed and settle. I then come down and cook
Every. Fucking. Night
Last night I'd had enough and cooked for myself and left him to it. He's been sulking since.
AIBU to think this should be a shared job?

OP posts:
Tiredqueen87 · 28/09/2016 21:08

Alice , yeah I am grateful, he works 6 full days a week, only Sunday's off so that I can have longer mat leave, I could leave cleaning for a Sunday but then there is no time to enjoy together. If we as mums get a day to ourselves and leave DP at home, would we expect to come back and have everything to do? No.

SeaFlute · 28/09/2016 21:10

I don't think you should cook every night. But I do think it's nice to prepare some food since he's out at work all day (and he gives you a break as soon as he's home).

Why not make something quick and simple like salad, cous-cous, stirfry? Or make something earlier in day that you can pop into oven and leave it for a few hours? I use ready-chopped meat and frozen veg for casseroles or stews, so it takes minutes to put it together. I also use rice-cooker a lot, you can make biriyanis or paella type dishes that cook slowly.

I think the issue is he's not physically there during the day, so he can't prepare the evening meal, whereas you can organise your time so something is ready.

The first 6months we mainly are ready meals and cold food in the evening. Now DD's older she's able to entertain herself for 10mins, or I do the food prep while she's eating or napping.

SleepyRoo · 28/09/2016 21:17

I think the issue is communicate

Fuckingbollocksbugger · 28/09/2016 21:17

he gives you a break

Not to be nitpicky but that's the kind of language which needs to change.

He's parenting his child. Not "helping" or "giving the OP a break".

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/09/2016 21:17

It's amazing how some men go from being single, working and cleaning and cooking to being so tired that they are incapable of anything but their job. Coincidentally at exactly the point they achieve a house elf.

I had a high needs baby, who now has a diagnosis but didn't back then. It was harder than my 12 hour night shifts in a homeless shelter.

Thankfully my DH is not an enormous wanker. I would cook sometimes but often couldn't manage. DH told be much later that he knew what kind of day I had had by the state of the kitchen. Good day; dinner ready and kitchen clean. Bad day; fuck all to eat and a bomb site. He would just whisk DD away and sort something out.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/09/2016 21:19

Oh and babies don't need a bath every night.

buckyou · 28/09/2016 21:21

I don't really know why it needs to be such a big deal. No way could i be arsed to start cooking after baby has gone to bed though.

We have easy stuff to cook in the week, so stir fry, fajitas, steak, fish with veg and rice, JPs with cheese and beans. That sort of thing. Also have ready meals and pizza etc. In the freezer.

We all have the same. Fuck cooking twice! I work 3 days a week and H is full time so i normally cook but he will if i asked him.

Seems a bit trivial to fall out over..

IzzyIsBusy · 28/09/2016 21:21

Oh and babies don't need a bath every night

True but maybe it is not about cleaning the baby maybe its about bonding. I used to love bathing mine once i returned to work. Just quiet fun time for me and baby.

waterrat · 28/09/2016 21:25

I think it's so unhelpful in this situation to talk about who has a harder day.

It's two adults both of whom are exhausted and want to have a bit of down time after their knackering day.

Be kind to each other and try to avoid the whole situation by having dinner prepared earlier in the day or at least planned and easy like pasta etc.

It's the worst thing to do to wait until everyone is hungry and tired to start cooking.

Tiredqueen87 · 28/09/2016 21:27

My DD loves a bath every night, helps with routine.
I'm of a different frame of mind as previously divorced and had to do it all, work full time and raise DD.

AliceInHinterland · 28/09/2016 21:28

Tired - fine, I would expect some stuff to be done if he had a chance, although I would definitely appreciate what he was doing if he was at home all day as its a bloody slog. Anyway I don't want to argue with you, I was just trying to say that I think what you do is worthy of admiration and appreciation.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 28/09/2016 21:29

It's amazing how some men go from being single, working and cleaning and cooking to being so tired that they are incapable of anything but their job. Coincidentally at exactly the point they achieve a house elf.

This. Exactly.

Mozfan1 · 28/09/2016 21:30

Mine walked out of his mums straight to me... Rod for my own back and all that 😂

Tiredqueen87 · 28/09/2016 21:32

Alice , sorry if prev post came across aggressive/arguementative, wasn't meant that way. I think it's hard to comment as everyone has different circumstances, my advice to people would to not see it all as a chore.

Offyougo · 28/09/2016 21:36

So the DH should work all day,sit with the baby/feed him then bath him, then cook?is this not too much? Doesn't seem fair. You could cook in the day( use a sling if baby is so clingy) ,or at least start dinner up whilst baby's in the bath. Or even better, cook once, take out baby's portion then add salt, chilli etc. It really isn't so hard.

clumsyduck · 28/09/2016 21:37

water

That is 100 percent it !

At work all day = tiring
At home doing housework , running round after kids = tiring

I work part time so get to experience both busy working days and busy taking care of ds / running the home days. ( I was a single mum for a long while so also got to experience doing literally everything days ! ) so I feel I'm not just guessing or being a "man hater " when I say it's not a competition and both days can be equally as hard! Therefore when it gets to that time of night were Dc are going to bed , time to wind down etc any remaining responsibilities such as cooking should be shared

IzzyIsBusy · 28/09/2016 21:38

It's amazing how some men go from being single, working and cleaning and cooking to being so tired that they are incapable of anything but their job. Coincidentally at exactly the point they achieve a house elf.

Same could be said for the mum. How can she suddenly go from being out of the house at work all day and being able to cook clean for herself but now shes at home all day she simply cannot manage it??

Thing is they both now have a baby to care for and all the mess that comes with it. There are a lot less chores to do if there is nobody in the house all day and only one person to wash and cook for.

The dad is not at home all day
It is stupid and unfair to think he should do it all when he gets home despite mum being at home all day long and only looking after a baby. Christ it really is not that hard.

It boggles my mind how some on mn harp on about how hard being a sahp, dont cook or clean because they have a child to hold all day yet they have so much spare time to spend on here Hmm

AliceInHinterland · 28/09/2016 21:39

Not at all, I think the work that goes into running a home is underestimated and undervalued. Like a pp said, it's not the cooking it's the thinking and planning that goes into it too.
I agree with all the pp's saying be kind to each other, as long as it goes both ways.
MrsTP put it better than I ever could. I normally work full time and what heaven it would be to have no chores at all! Sadly not to be.

Tiredqueen87 · 28/09/2016 21:40

These days it's seems like point scoring
'Well I do this so you should do that'
How about if something needs doing then get on with it

mrsmugoo · 28/09/2016 21:49

Personally I do all the cooking in our house because that is the division of labour we have agreed on (DH does all the laundry).

I cook for my toddler and he eats about 5 and we have the same but heated up a bit later. Sometimes I cook in the afternoon if he's at nursery and he'll have a portion of that the next day.

No way would I be starting to cook a meal at 7:30/8pm after the little ones are in bed, that's bath, tv, reading, relaxing time!

Houseconfusion · 28/09/2016 21:51

There is an equality point here. The way we achieve that as we both work is that I do pre eating stuff (online groceries, meal plan, cooking) and DH does post eating stuff (washing up, cleaning the kitchen, sorting out the garbage).

Anyway, I cook once a week.

Every Sunday we have both slow cookers on all day. They cook two very differently flavoured mains, each making 3 dinners for two and a 1 yr old. It's packed into 6 boxes and frozen by the end of Sunday.

Whoever comes home earliest Monday to Friday puts on the rice cooker before even taking shoes off and chucks one box of the six boxes into reheat. Voila.

Original poster
LurkyLurkerMcLurkface · 28/09/2016 21:53

hopeful thank you that's very useful!

A lot of people have picked up on the communication. We're working on it!

He's doing fajitas tomorrow so some progress. I just hope it's maintained!
Everyone who says being a SAHM is easier than FT work, I really don't see it (and my standard week was 50-60 hours of hard bloody work)
It's that lack of any headspace that really really gets to me. Even during the infrequent naps I have one eye on the monitor

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityyhat · 28/09/2016 21:53

If you just take everything else away from the op and look at the bald statement "I don't think I should cook every night" - who (in a partnership, where both partners are at home every week day from 6pm) could argue with that?

Perhaps op would like one or two days a week at work to get a break from the baby? Trouble is she can't opt for that, can she? She has no variety, no break from the routine.

I can't see how anyone can argue against op's pov - I really cannot!

thescruffiestgiantintown · 28/09/2016 21:56

It boggles my mind how some on mn harp on about how hard being a sahp, dont cook or clean because they have a child to hold all day yet they have so much spare time to spend on here

This.

In OP's situation I'd just make supper for all 3 when doing DS'.

IzzyIsBusy · 28/09/2016 21:58

I dont think any have really. Most including me have said swap it/share it/he cooks at the weekend.

It is when posters start putting him down for working being sneery about him bathing the baby and generally saying LTB because he had not come in from 10 hours at work and done all the chores while the OP has mumsnetted all day Hmm. That is what some have deemed unfair.