Is it not cool anymore to actually tell your child off?

[HulkSpiderParent]

Aibu to think that maybe some parents could actually say 'hey that wasn't nice' or 'don't push'. Or am I in the minority now that has to endure filthy looks when I tell a child off for behaviour that the parent should be pulling up?

Examples:
2 siblings on climbing frame lunge towards my ds and follow him and push him over. Parents stood gossiping while I go pick up my ds and tell their child that behaviour was unacceptable. Mother sends her friend over proclaiming to not know what happened and shocked I told them off (children of around 3 and 6. My ds is 3).

A different 2 siblings rampaging around a small play area in a shopping centre, pushing other much smaller children over (offending children about 6 and 3). Older child pushes ds out of the way followed by the younger one who then not only tries to push ds out of the way again, but grabs ds by his shirt. This time ds reacts and shouts 'stop pushing me' and grabs them back to stop falling off the ramp. Crying ensues. I go get ds but say nothing to the child as the mother is there. Sit down next to the mother who gets her dc. Sit awaiting mother to say something along the lines of 'that wasn't nice... you don't push... ' or anything to her dc.
But no. Just the usual rhetoric 'I didn't see what happened..' ...of course not. You weren't watching.
I say 'your daughter pushed him nearly off the ramp and when your son did the same he reacted when your son grabbed him by the shirt and tried to push him off as well'.
'oh well. No harm done hey?' is the reply.

No of course not. You're basically just saying to them it's fine to behave badly and not apologise. Good for you.

I know my child is no angel. I will make him apologise if he pushes or behaves badly which he sometimes does, as do all children.

Aibu though to think that this wet weekend parenting undermines everything I'm trying to install in mine. As in if you behave badly towards others you are held accountable and apologise?

And imo telling a random child off is rude and sanctimonious. Not your place to discipline someone else's child, and it's not going to benefit you to do so - you'll never see the kid again.

Last year I gave 3 lads in our town centre a right telling off for tormenting a homeless bloke with clear MH issues. I have rarely been so angry so it made me feel better, it stopped them doing it so he could escape but besides that I'd see it as some sort of service to the community. Do we really want to live in a society where that's tolerated?

I'm the sort of parent who regularly has to deal with judgmental twats who feel the need to intervene because they deem my kids' inability to cope as 'nasty' because the noises they make aren't pleasant.

Indeed the reaction to DS1 (teenage, 5' 7") kicking DH in the throne room at Buckingham Palace last weekend was really unnecessary. Yet these people know precisely nothing about our situation.

I would intervene if another child's actions were harming me or my children (I have done - several children grab the joystick on my wheelchair and yank it around) but I wouldn't judge the child or the parent without knowing their situation.

'Do we really want to live in a society where that's tolerated?'

I certainly don't. Good for you for standing up for that man, it was very brave of you.

Actually, it wasn't that brave. They were only around 12 or 13 . Lots of people looking on, no-one doing anything - although a few did applaud when I'd finished telling them off shrieking at them.

To be clear on my op. These children were directly affecting my ds with their behaviour which is why I was so annoyed with the response. If it had simply been a child having a tantrum or meltdown I would not have cared. My ds has these flop to the floor moments and behaviour that is annoying. But I do something about it. Whether it be hugging him or distraction or removing him from a shop.

I have probably been judged numerous times also. It's the sit back and not do a thing even though your dc are ruining the park or activity for everyone else.

Still brave. You never know what sort of response you will get. The applauders could have helped you out a bit earlier

No, if my daughter behaves badly, she gets told.

She's 3

Example, we were at a play centre for no more than 5 minutes when this little kid was trying to play with her. He got ' in the way' of her so she shoved him. When he turned away she grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him backwards so he landed on his (nappy padded) bum. I was fuming. I went over and asked her if that was good or bad behaviour.

She told me it was bad. She apologised to the little boy who at this point was crying. Parents no where to be seen so I asked him to take me to his mum or dad. I explained what happened and explained the punishment my daughter would receive. (Leaving the play centre immediately). The mum was happy with that and little kid ran off playing unscathed.

I feel you OP!!
There seems to be this weird notion among some parents that actual discipline is not necessary!
This week, there was uproar between some mum's at my local play group. One of them has a notoriously nasty child. No other way to put it. He's horrible. He is 3, always hitting/kicking/biting other children, screaming in the faces of other children if they don't play the way he wants them to (ie. he is King and what he says goes), he also says some very nasty things - I once heard him say to another boy that he wanted to push him off the top of the soft play so he would die Now, this delightful child's mother is one of the ones who just dumps him in the play area and sits and drinks coffee with her friends without a care in the world about what her demon spawn is up to. The age of the victim appears completely irrelevant to this vile kid - on one occasion my Dd was around 9 months old, sitting on a play mat surrounded by books. He decided he wanted the book Dd was holding, so snatched it from her hands. She cried, and he immediately smacked her over the head with the hard-back book!! I told him that she's only a baby, and it's really nasty to smack other people....he cried and ran over to his mum, clung to her leg and stared me out with puppy dog eyes as if I was the most evil person in the world We don't go to playgroup very often now, but from what friends have told me, all the kids around his age that still go to play group give him a very wide berth, and he sulks that no one will play with him! I wonder why?!!

It's not always easy to know if a child is being naughty though or has other issues. Ds came home last time with a gigantic bite mark on his arm which didn't disappear until two days later and nearly drew blood. He was accompanied by a first aid note and a letter from the school apologising and saying that aggressive behaviour was not tolerated. The next week the same child did it again. This time I contacted the school in a constructive way to see if ds was having a hand in exacerbating the situation or if I needed to be aware of anything else. The HT called and told me the little boy is ASD - he'd been through a pinching and kicking stage and the biting was the latest. I was a lot more understanding and was able to talk to my ds about it and how he could help - the boy's mum will have been mortified I know. They obviously came up with some strategies to deal with it because it hasn't happened again. That's the trouble with wading in and reprimanding other children (I'm no angel and have done so myself) - it isn't always possible to know.

Also a preschooler of 3 is a whole world away from a 5 or 6yo - empathy is only just developing at 3 but I'd expect better of a 5 or 6yo.

Did you know there is also a current trend for not encouraging your child to share?
Apparently it's not natural to give up something we want to a stranger at a playgroup or park!

Little lion it doesn't matter whether or not he has social/communication needs, school should be preventing him from getting into a state where he's violent. School failing to meet needs affecting this child and your son!

Cuppa - given how selfish society is now I'm not remotely surprised.

I'm fairly realistic that in a class of 30 there will be times when things happen Bishop. The fact that it hasn't happened again in several months suggests their strategies have been successful. The point is that 'naughtiness' is not always straight forward. Children also develop empathy at different rates, so treating a 3yo as you would a 5yo doesnt work. Though clearly those referred to in the op were old enough to know and therefore be kept in line/ disciplined by their parents.

Cuppa I agree with that too!!
Same playgroup over the summer holidays, so there was the usual toddlers there, plus older siblings. One of the older siblings had "sharing issues". There was a table set up with water and baby dolls to "wash". This girl (must have been at least 4) was playing with a doll and my 17 month old went to touch its hair - not snatch it away, just touch it. The girl clutched it to her chest, and screamed at my Dd! I was most impressed that my toddler stepped back with the best face ever and just stood there like "Dude, what the fuck?"

Hi Bishops I just wanted to assure you that some of us who appreciate discipline likewise appreciate that there are plenty of children with differing needs. I have two spectrummy kids, one who's 'no problem' but 'odd' and makes repetitive noises/singing, and one who is 'over exuberant' (but only does a little singing). I have to discipline the second with great clarity, but the first (although absolutely not a PDA issue) I must always nurture.
It's partly because I deal with this that I have no sympathy for badly behaved, ill-disciplined NT kids. And as someone who works regularly in a special school I'm very good at spotting the genuinely different child. A child whose father sprays your head with a water pistol when you attempt to tell the child the behaviour is not acceptable has a parenting problem, not a disability!

And imo telling a random child off is rude and sanctimonious. Not your place to discipline someone else's child, and it's not going to benefit you to do so - you'll never see the kid again.

I'll see the kid again if it's one of the ones that plays unsupervised in the street outside my house. It may well benefit me, if a watergun is being pointed at me as I get out of my car, or there are stones being thrown nearby. Interestingly, one of the parents came to me a couple of weeks ago to moan about me giving his child a simple instruction that he was too idiotic to give. He was sent on his way.

My opinion is that it takes a village to raise a child. All of this never saying anything to other people's kids leads to bad behaviour.

it's not going to benefit you to do so - you'll never see the kid again.

So I should only do something if it makes a difference to me directly?