Is it not cool anymore to actually tell your child off?

[HulkSpiderParent]

Aibu to think that maybe some parents could actually say 'hey that wasn't nice' or 'don't push'. Or am I in the minority now that has to endure filthy looks when I tell a child off for behaviour that the parent should be pulling up?

Examples:
2 siblings on climbing frame lunge towards my ds and follow him and push him over. Parents stood gossiping while I go pick up my ds and tell their child that behaviour was unacceptable. Mother sends her friend over proclaiming to not know what happened and shocked I told them off (children of around 3 and 6. My ds is 3).

A different 2 siblings rampaging around a small play area in a shopping centre, pushing other much smaller children over (offending children about 6 and 3). Older child pushes ds out of the way followed by the younger one who then not only tries to push ds out of the way again, but grabs ds by his shirt. This time ds reacts and shouts 'stop pushing me' and grabs them back to stop falling off the ramp. Crying ensues. I go get ds but say nothing to the child as the mother is there. Sit down next to the mother who gets her dc. Sit awaiting mother to say something along the lines of 'that wasn't nice... you don't push... ' or anything to her dc.
But no. Just the usual rhetoric 'I didn't see what happened..' ...of course not. You weren't watching.
I say 'your daughter pushed him nearly off the ramp and when your son did the same he reacted when your son grabbed him by the shirt and tried to push him off as well'.
'oh well. No harm done hey?' is the reply.

No of course not. You're basically just saying to them it's fine to behave badly and not apologise. Good for you.

I know my child is no angel. I will make him apologise if he pushes or behaves badly which he sometimes does, as do all children.

Aibu though to think that this wet weekend parenting undermines everything I'm trying to install in mine. As in if you behave badly towards others you are held accountable and apologise?

I think it's a case of lazy parenting myself. Managing a child, especially a willful or defiant one is exhausting. Much easier to ignore it.

However helping kids moderate their behaviour/emotions/impulsivity is teaching them life skills that they've got to learn at some point. They can be civilised without crushing their spirit/creativity/spontaneity.

I feel like I'm impotent though. I wanted to say to her that actually they both should have been told that it was unacceptable behaviour but she was just so blasé about it that it makes you look like a total control freak if you say anything. I just don't want my ds thinking I don't stick up for him. He spent the afternoon telling me next time he will push him back and he won't like that and I felt like an idiot saying 'no we don't push... ' when he's just witnessed their mother shrug off their cap behaviour. How am I supposed to empowerment child and teach him it's not acceptable when the lazy parents do nothing. It's not peaceful parenting. It's lazy. That child my ds grabbed back today was lucky I taught him hitting is wrong. They'll come across some equally lazy parents and will find their unwatched child being pulverised. It's awful. My child bears the brunt of bullying and intimidating behaviour because these parents are laughably thinking that they're promoting comfort and loveable environments by not saying no.

Lots of spelling mistakes thanks to the mumsnet app. Not my terrible typing.

I work with parents and children and often come across this. Children climbing on furniture, fiddling with the sink in the room, knocking chairs over, trying to open the door and run out of the room - parent sits there and says nothing, or just a weak 'dont do that'. Some children never seem to hear the word no or get reprimanded ever. It's doing them absolutely zero favours

I agree. I'm trying to adopt a more peaceful/positive parenting approach but I don't interpret that as a) not being aware of my kids antisocial behaviour, b) accepting it or c) not dealing with it. You do have to say no sometimes. It's not possible to negotiate everything. And I totally agree there are some parents who are very, very blaze about behaviour that I am open mouthed at.

This is a slight hijack but it's along the same lines as all those parents who don't encourage their children to hurry up or move out of the way when blocking doorways, pavements, classroom entrances etc. The message is "we are so very important, your needs are so very important, we don't have to worry about the 20 other parents and children trying to get in to this classroom as well. Take your time little darling painstakingly hanging up your cardigan and faffing about with your bookbag. Don't worry about anyone else." I just say loudly, "Come on lets move through as we're causing a bit of a traffic jam" and walk through/past all the 'world revolves around me and my child' people.

Oops sorry that became my own personal rant. Can you tell what happened to me this morning (and every morning for the last 3 weeks).

Urg. Saying no isn't bloody child abuse... by all means explain stuff but if they're charging headlong towards something dangerous a short no! Is more useful.
It's one of those ideas that at its core has a kernel of sensibleness (don't just yell at them , talk to them in an age appropriate manner and try other approaches like 'ok we will do that after you've eaten your dinner/tidied toys' etc.)
I met someone the other day who does 'non violation communication' which apparently is never punishing or praising in any way at all. I smiled and nodded and thought 'you are off your fucking rocker..'

I'd hope that anyone who saw my son bring naughty would have a calm 'don't do that' to say.

There is a difference between bad/unobservant parents as described in the OP, and parents who try to use different terminology.

There was an article in a blog (of course) about a mummy who though it terrible that her child had run her scooter into another mum a day this mum had turned to her and said something along the lines of 'can you actually watch your child?'. There was uproar about the poor child being traumatised about this and the 'mother shaming' that occurred because she had looked away for a second. A friend had posted this agreeing that it was so mean to shame a mother for this accident.

But I pointed out that if a bloody painful metal scooter had run into my leg I would have been pretty annoyed as well and so she was probably in shock. Plus I have a very painful condition that means this could cause serious issues for me. I was shot down. Poor child. Poor overtired mother.

Sorry but you need to supervise your children. Why should I have to bear the brunt of this. Why should anyone's children have to send their kids to school with children who aren't told they are behaving badly?

I've seen that happening between siblings. very much the 'don't get involved otherwise you'll spend your time referring between them'.

Yep so three dcs of similar age together and wat happens? The strongest wins and gets his way all the time. The youngest learns to whinge all the time to get his own way. And the third one learns to bit when they are hit etc..
All that met with 'well they'll sort it out eventually'.

What you are describing is exactely what that sort of parent would do if they were siblings. Just ignoring because t happens so often that they can't be bothered to intervene all the time. Except they aren't siblings. And they aren't teaching them to behave either., But heyho. They'll sort it out eventually.

The other thing I've heard is 'oh that's ok. they'll that at school anyway, won't they?' Talking about hitting etc...

Yes Semi. The meandering indulgent world revolves around my special child is just as ridiculous.

Where I am in the world nobody parents. And if you do it is shamed. I yelled at my ds to stop running off in a shopping centre and got a multitude of looks for raising my voice beyond a whisper.

I'm actually sick of it.

What should I have done when the mother didn't say anything to her dcs though?

Hulk I suspect that in that case, both PoV are right.

yes sometimes accidents happen and you can't be watching your DC every single second. But then someone got hurt and really the first thing that should have happened is for the child to apologise.
The woman who got hurt could have left a few seconds for the child and his mum to react (and apologise) before having a right go at the mum.
In effect, all of them could have reacted in a more mature way and/or taken more care.

But we also are all human and we all make mistakes and we all are sometimes under great stress so we don't react in the best way possible.

In a case like this, regardless of what the hurt woman had said, I would have apologised, checked that she was OK and then asked my DC to apologised whilst thinking she could have reacted in a less 'angry' manner....

Hulk you can't say anything at all to that woman.
You ignore and carrying on teaching your DC how to behave because in the long run, this is what matters.

Mammoth she had 3 children so that makes complete sense. She must just be so used to the fighting etc that she assumes it's OK. It really clarifies her behaviour now. The two just runni5riot while she dealt with the baby.

I was threatend by Drunken Parents who were going to beat the shit out of me when I told their little darling to stop trying to blind me with his illegal laser. Apparently the correct thing would have been for me to find them as they didn't know he even had a laser. Sure.

It's just infuriating seeing your child being manhandled and then having to try to explain that no we don't hit...while the mother just shrugs and claims it's normal. I really wanted to give her a piece of my mind.

I nearly got run down by a little sod on a scooter the other day. The child was weaving madly from side to side in a very busy shopping area. I dodged twice, but the little git still managed to almost topple me. I grabbed the scooter and managed to bring it to a stop before he/she/it (no idea if it was a boy or girl) knocked me off my feet. Mummy tinkled a little laugh and lightly told the child it had to look where it was going. The bloody child was - and had decided to ride right into me!

I frequently have to tell kids off in the store where I work. Parents can't see why they shouldn't play with the heavy and hugely expensivemannequins, or go up and down in the lift constantly or jump down the stairs. One little brat at the weekend pushed his way into the window display and for a moment, I could see his parents having a huge bill to pay to replace the mannequin which was in dire danger. Fortunately, another colleague caught the mannequin, but the child's parents were oblivious.

I loved my kids and did my best for them, and that included lots of hugs and kisses, but it also included discipline. DD1 has a DD of her own and she is just at the age where she is emptying shelves - and so far she appears to be allowed to do that. It sets my teeth on edge, but I have to keep my mouth shut unless my opinion is wanted. However, when I am with DGD, I will be saying 'no' very firmly!

I'm from I think the first generation raised by parents who didn't believe in saying no, and I've seriously spent years recovering from it and trying (in therapy) to learn what healthy boundaries are.

Raising your children without boundaries is genuinely child abuse IMO. It's neglect of a child's emotional and psychological needs.

I told my DDs off all the time (and not always in a nice voice ). I said no a lot. They are now well behaved teens, and we are incredibly close, so no harm done. OP, I'm with you all the way. The lack of telling off is just appalling these days.

My child ran off from me and dh into the path of a stack of trolleys being pushed into the supermarket. I screamed st dh to grab him as he was hit by them. Luckily only clipped on the side. The poor man pushing was so apologetic but it was our fault for not watching him properly and so I apologised to him and said that it was our fault. Similarly when ds was stepped on by a lady at the zoo because he bolted right under her feet. These were our negligent parenting moments and we apologised because that's what you do.

I don't know what I will do when it happens again with ds. I'm just fed up with him being trampled on and me just standing there internally raging.

Littleprincess it's so interesting to hear your viewpoint. What made your experience so hard?

When mine were little I thought about making a t shirt which said

No

On the front

And

I said NO

On the back

The children pushing others out of the way we're not only injuring other children but they were falling off the equipment themselves and injuring themselves. Another mother even said that the daughter of this mother had smacked her head off the wooden ramp but she seemed indifferent to it all.

Spent an afternoon at the weekend in the company of sil and her 4 year old.
She completely ignores him throwing food about, kicking furniture etc etc.
My teenage dc went out into the garden to escape the havoc and couldn't believe what was being tolerated.

To be fair, rarely saying 'no', doesn't mean not setting boundaries.

'Can I have some sweets?'
'No'

And

'Can I have some sweets?'
'Sweets are bad for your teeth, and can hurt your body if you eat too many, so you only get them on Saturdays'

are both setting boundaries.

I understand that jasper. If I just answered questions with 'no' then that's obviously a poor way to communicate. Can I have sweets? No. As they wreck your teeth.... is fine in my opinion.