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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit upset by what I've just seen?

126 replies

BitchQueen90 · 28/09/2016 14:37

Just popped to Tesco on my break to grab something for dinner tonight. I was stood in the veg aisle next to a couple with their DS who looked about 4 in the trolley. Their DS was having a bit of a moan and I heard the mother say to him "I will leave you here if you don't shut up." I thought this was a bit harsh but I understand sometimes we get frustrated with young DC and say things without thinking. The boy didn't "shut up" though, so the parents went round to another aisle so they were hidden from view from him. Obviously the boy thought he had been left and started to cry, while the parents stood there watching him and giggling.

When they saw me glaring at them they went back round to him. I know it's not my business to get involved but AIBU? I thought it was shocking behaviour to be honest and I wouldn't do that to my DS no matter how frustrated I was.

OP posts:
Beth2511 · 29/09/2016 11:52

We tried the whole wave and say bye thing when dd was 18 months and refusing to move.. She waved back, got up and ran the opposite direction!

I would never disappear from actual sight though, that feels mean.

twinkletoedelephant · 29/09/2016 11:53

I said to ds1 I would leave him in the aisle in Tesco..... He started to built a fort out of loo roll on the bottom shelf.

CousinCharlotte · 29/09/2016 11:56

Laughing at his distress is horrible, if they do that in a public place it makes you wonder what goes on behind doors.

CancellyMcChequeface · 29/09/2016 17:57

I did this once to my sister when she was about 5 and I was 12. She'd sat down in the middle of the pavement and refused to get up unless I bought her some sweets. Grin Reasoning with her wasn't working, and since I walked home with her every day I didn't want to set precedent by sweet-buying, so I walked along the street a little way. She soon got up and rejoined me!

I was careful not to move out of her line of sight, though, and definitely didn't laugh about it! That does seem unkind to me, and I'd have thought so even as a frustrated older sibling - it's a little upsetting that some parents are amused by their child's distress.

JellyBelli · 29/09/2016 18:03

Laughing at his distress is horrible, if they do that in a public place it makes you wonder what goes on behind doors.

A child who has seperation anxiety, or knows they are unloved has no resources to fall back on, no resiliance to bad parenting. All they kearn is despair.
All the stories of how well other children coped with parents who did similar things are cute, but missing the point.

RaqsMax · 29/09/2016 18:07

When I was about 9/10 (and a stroppy nightmare), I told my lovely Mum that I was sick of her and was leaving home. I went upstairs and packed a little suitcase, and came stomping downstairs and shouted 'Right! I'm leaving!'

My Mum raised an eyebrow and calmly asked 'Do you want me to call you a taxi, love?'

Cue me bursting into tears and running upstairs to fling myself onto my bed. I eventually sidled up to her and apologised for being a brat....

SooBee61 · 29/09/2016 18:09

I remember reading an interview with Richard Branson in which he said that his mother used to turf him out of the car as a child and leave him to find his own way home. I think he was implying it toughened him and made him self-reliant and the man he is today, but it struck me as very cruel.

EverySongbirdSays · 29/09/2016 18:21

Has anyone ever done the Jason Manford one?

When he was a boy his father would "ring the police" on him and his brother but it was their Uncle

He ended up having a much younger brother and one day his Dad rang and his voice said "Hello there, is this the police? I'd like to report..."

He is now is own old punishment Grin

The laughing part isn't funny and I know of a fostered child who often referred to his parents dumping him places and driving off as punishment often in the dark and how much it scared him. It's fine if the child learns that the parent comes back, and they are normally treated with love, not so much if the parents don't on either count.

Thinkingblonde · 29/09/2016 18:53

I can still recall his little face and the shuddering sobs, the kind of shuddering that continues after the tears have stopped.

sambly · 29/09/2016 19:55

I'd find it upsetting. I've walked off and hid, so I can see her, but only when she could follow if she wanted. But telling the child shut up, making him think he'd been abandoned.... Then laughing!?

That's not parenting. I'd be concerned too.
I agree with Jellibelli hitting is definitely not the the only form of abuse.

Shemoon23 · 29/09/2016 19:57

Gosh this reminds me of when me and my siblings were young and use to unfasten our seatbelts in the car and would refuse to fasten them, the driver (eldest sibling of ours) would always repeatedly hit the brakes (obviously when it was totally safe to do so) to scare us and to demonstrate the dangers of not wearing your belt!

flippinada · 29/09/2016 19:59

Thinking thank goodness you were there to hep him. Poor little mite.

Also agree with Jelli

Delta1411 · 29/09/2016 20:15

Whenever my kids argue in the car I tell them roundabouts are built to leave naughty children on. So whenever we pull up and have to stop at the roundabout I'm like "right that's it, out yous get" and get screams of "nooooo" and they stop.

Sometimes kids can really get on your tits. I used to think how could anyone do this until I had three and I NEEDED them to behave to stay sane. 😂😂

Thingamajiggy · 29/09/2016 20:21

My daughter hit me once albeit halfheartedly and I told her very seriously if she ever hit me again I'd give her away to some other parents. Terrible parenting you might think if you had observed it. I'm not one for making empty threats so yes she probably believed it and it was probably very scary.
However we are incredibly close; and she is secure, confident, loving, mature and kind. Before you judge you need to really know the whole situation. It's very easy to pass judgement and be totally wrong.

flippinada · 29/09/2016 20:32

A normally loving parent who may be at the end of their tether and sometimes deals with tantrums in a less than ideal way is not going to cause their child any harm - nobody is saying they will though.

SatsukiKusakabe · 29/09/2016 21:03

Everyone has moments you wouldn't want put on your parenting cv, when you find yourself saying or doing something ludicrous. But sometimes a snapshot can be taken at any time and show the same thing, and actually it's not hard to get a feel for which is the case. People at the end of their tether may be shouty, or issue empty threats, but I think it's often detectable if it's said or done with true callousness or aggression, rather than desperation or humour.

flippinada · 29/09/2016 21:05

Yes Satsuki you explain it very well.

Flibjibbet · 29/09/2016 21:16

My son is as stubborn as a mule and when we were walking to nursery one morning he decided to moan and cry the whole way. What should have been a 5 minute walk took 25 minutes. We were already 10 minutes late as he'd created such a fuss at home so I was already pretty stressed. In the end I said 'Right that's it, I'll go without you then' and left him on the pavement of our very quiet road. I had my phone out so I could see him in the reflection the whole time as I walked further up. There was a Jehovah's witness group walking towards me, one of them stopped me and started having a go about how cruel I was to abandon him in the middle of the road, Hmm yet as soon as I carried on walking he soon came running up behind me.

Basicbrown · 29/09/2016 21:25

flibgibbet I think people on here have not had a truly stubborn child.

DD2 has to make up her own mind to do stuff. So when she refuses, to avoid arguing I walk off. She follows. The once or twice in her life interestingly where she has got lost (when she's run off playing) she has been hysterical. But she knows what she's doing generally. Laughing isn't right, but walking off ignores bad behaviour and with some children works.

Life is one big game with DD2. ROFL at 'wait until they are ready' O...K.... then, she would wait forever so she wins.

SatsukiKusakabe · 29/09/2016 21:39

But if it was a busy road you couldn't do it - what would you do instead? It only takes seconds for them to run into the road or a car to appear, I just wouldn't do it with an under 5. I tell them to be sensible and stick close to me on pavements near roads all the time, for me it sends mixed messages to just walk off in that kind of place.

Someone did this outside of school to their toddler and the child was crying and trying to catch up and my ds was a bit anxious watching it, and I had to tell him she wasn't really going to leave him. It was a bit odd trying to explain what she was doing to another child. I wouldn't ever criticise someone, but I do think oh just go and and grab his hand/pick him up, stop all the messing about. I acknowledge though that my child, though stubborn like you would not believe, is also very literal minded, and so I've had to find another approach, as he'd find it too distressing.

Basicbrown · 29/09/2016 21:59

Luckily I rarely have to go near busy roads. Of course you are right though in that as an approach it would be more problematic in central London. She is also not particularly anxious.

Otherwise...a simple choice like 'would you like to hold my left hand or right hand' will sometimes give the element of control. Telling her that I am going to get somewhere first, that she is too little to do what I want her to do etc etc. One long game of wits and strategy.

ShteakandShpuds · 29/09/2016 22:14

My DS aged about 4 had a major tantrum in Sainsbury's and I walked off and carried on shopping. About a minute later there was a tannoy announcement for a Mrs

Thinkingblonde · 30/09/2016 09:31

I know of a little boy who really was abandoned. My friend works in the police control room, talking 999 calls, a call came in one night from a motorist who'd seen a toddler out on his own and who was in a distressed state. The motorist stayed with the little girl until the police arrived. The police took the girl to the police station, social services were called and she was placed in temporary foster care. The police made door to door enquiries but drew a blank.

The child could speak but it was in a language none could understand, she couldn't speak or understand any English at all. No one came to claim her. The police think she's from a family of illegal immigrants and got left behind when they fled the town after huge crackdown on illegal workers. She was aged about 2/3. This was five years ago.

Thinkingblonde · 30/09/2016 09:33

Sorry it was a little girl not a boy.

nellieellie · 30/09/2016 14:59

Done in anger, understandable. Giggling at your own child's distress, horrible and cruel. I'd have been upset too.