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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weird one. Should I be narked at this lady for swiping a collection at school and using for another purpose?

254 replies

iJoan · 27/09/2016 12:38

Can I preface the post (NC so as not to get me in too much hot water) by saying I have had a pretty shit couple of months so may be a bit whiney and sensitive Blush

A friend of my DD's at school got the devastating news that she was DX with a life threatening illness. She's been off school for the last couple of weeks. The family are very sweet and do a lot for others (including me)in the school. I thought it would be a nice gesture to do a collection so we could buy the girl some specific things to keep her occupied in hospital- The budget was £80 and the amount was reached very quickly and folks were very generous.

Unbeknownst to me another girl in another class had to have a routine operation last week which would require her being off school for a couple of weeks.

A lady who is senior in the PTA (who I do not know well) asked for the collection money which was being held in the school office. She told the admin staff that since the second girl was in the hospital the collection had changed (er no it hadn't)and she was going to organise a gift for her.

She spent all the money on the second girl. Leaving me looking like an idiot.

I approached her about it and got a gob full about treating the girls differently Confused

I already spent the money on a gift for the original child which was very much appreciated. I am now £80 down and look a bit shady and am finding it very hard to bite my lip whilst the PTA lady is thanked for such a lovely idea!

RANT OVER!

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 27/09/2016 13:49

I'd be nuclear. I don't know about narked.
What she did was theft and as a result has you feel a cunt.

prh47bridge · 27/09/2016 13:50

Telling the head is absolutely the right thing to do. The PTA lady has committed an offence. At the very least you should be reimbursed for the £80 you have spent. The head should, in my view, also give the PTA lady a real dressing down and tell her that any repetition will be reported to the police. She may not have approved of the money being raised for girl A with none for girl B but that does not in any way justify her even taking half of the money for girl B, let alone all of it. And, of course, the fact she spent it all on girl B blows her argument about fairness out of the water. This was nothing to do with fairness.

MrsHathaway · 27/09/2016 13:50

Even if she believed it was for both children, she should only have spent £40 on Girl B Confused

Or has she bought £40 gifts for each girl and ignored your shopping?

I'm confused about the part where Girl A's family have thanked the school for the gifts. Are these the ones you've bought and are now out of pocket for, or something Queen Bee has handed over?

What I think has happened:

  1. Girl A's illness was announced.
  2. OP volunteered to raise a collection for A.
  3. Money came in.
  4. Girl B's illness was announced.
  5. OP went shopping for A, knowing there would be £80 in the collection to cover it, and gave the gifts to A on behalf of the school community.
  6. Queen Bee took the £80 and spent it on gifts for B only.
  7. OP went to fetch her £80 reimbursement, and was told Queen Bee had it.
  8. Queen Bee told OP off for not collecting for B and told her she couldn't have he money because it had been spent on B.

I just can't fathom how Queen Bee thinks she's in the right!

On the other hand, I think it's only a school issue because the school office released the cash to the wrong person. None of this appears to have happened under the PTA umbrella as far as I can see. In fact our PTA wouldn't be able to fundraise in this way because of our constitution which says "all children". People who happen to be active PTA volunteers might additionally fundraise for specific children/families but not as the PTA per se.

MammouthTask · 27/09/2016 13:50

Yes I think you are too generous with Mrs PTA origami.
Doing a collection for both girls isn't an issue as such but you DO tell the person who has oprganised the collection in the first place!
And you DON'T spend all the money for one child and leave nothing for the other!

And even if she had bougt something for both girls, again surely you talk gto the person who has organised the collection in the first place??

I'm actually Shock that the school didn't question any of it. Clearly whatever she does/says goes...

OP I do hope that the talk with the HT goes well. I can't see how you will be able to be reimbursed in any shape or form. Mrs PTA is unlikely to let it pass. But at least it will it ion their radar so she doesn't get to do that again.
I'm :(:( at the idea that girl B who is 'only' in hopsital is in effect taking precedence over girl A who has life threatening illness,
I also suspect that MrsPTA has some sort of link with girl B and not with girl A so is clearly taking sides.
Crap isn't it?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 27/09/2016 13:51

Oh and you got a gob full, because.
She was in the wrong and she knows that. Which is why she's getting all defensive.
Definitely speak to HT. Why should you look like the villain

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 27/09/2016 13:51

What a dreadful woman. Even if it was a joint collection, she should only have spent half the money Hmm (and even if she had done that it would be completely unreasonable). I hope that the headteacher is helpful. The admin staff were wrong to give the money to anyone but you.

Canyouforgiveher · 27/09/2016 13:51

I'd go to the next PTA meeting, stand up and ask her to explain her actions and reimburse me for the amount I had spent.

I would also report the matter to the head.

At best she plays very fast and loose with money not hers. If there was a misunderstanding of some sort then she is part of it and should be sitting down with you to sort it out.

At worst she is a thief.

I suspect there is a fair bit of powerplaying going on here though. She regards any parent-raised money and decisions as her turf and is basically making sure you get the message.

justatoe1 · 27/09/2016 13:52

Could mention to the head that as you were collecting the money, you are concerned that it could at best reflect badly on you, at worst you could be accused of theft/fraud whatever....you are very worried about this when you did the Right Thing: making the reason for collection on the envelope & leaving it with school office for safekeeping.

ShmooBooMoo · 27/09/2016 13:57

This woman is getting away with such behaviour because people are afraid of her. While no one 'takes her on' she will continue. See the Head and tell it exactly as it happened, including your conversation with the offender. Ask for reassurances that the family of the child for whom you intended it will not find out.

ijustwannadance · 27/09/2016 13:57

Origami the PITA woman did not buy 2 gifts. She spent all of the money on girl B! Without even speaking to OP. There can be no misunderstanding.

If she'd wanted to have a collection for girl 2 it should've been seperate.

She used the whole unfair to child B crap to try to falsely shame OP into shuting up and going away.

notapizzaeater · 27/09/2016 13:58

Even if it was a joint collection she should only have used half the money ?

Julia001 · 27/09/2016 13:59

Why are you not going to the Police and reporting the theft, because that is what it is, everyone knew what the collection was for and it was taken by someone and used for something else, in anyones eyes that is theft.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/09/2016 14:01

Oh my god that woman is well out of order, that collection was meant to be for girl A with the life threatening illness. I would make a complaint to the head, and the governors about that, how awful Sad.

redskytonight · 27/09/2016 14:02

I agree with everyone else about the collection money and how it should have been split ..

.. but even generously assuming that PTA woman somehow got her wires hopefully tangled - how on earth will this work in the future? If you fund raise for one child in hospital is this a precedent for every other child in hospital ever? AT the risk of sounding like a total bitch - I would happily donate for a child that had just been diagnosed with a terminal illness. Child in hospital for routine operation - not so much - unless she was a particular friend of my DC, in which case I'd rather make a small more personal gift.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/09/2016 14:02

Yes I second going to the Police, as it is theft.

Beeziekn33ze · 27/09/2016 14:03

School admin staff have a lot to answer for in this as well as Mrs PITA. Take deep breaths and a supportive (but silent) friend and get it sorted. You are in the right and are the offended party. Mrs PITA is in the wrong and knows it. Good luck!

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 27/09/2016 14:04

I think you HAVE to take this further as although both girls have got their gift, people who gave to Girl A fund have every right to be annoyed that their money was spent on Girl B

ijustwannadance · 27/09/2016 14:04

I think word got round that a collection was happening for a sick child and when she found out it wasn't actually for her DD's friend she seen her arse as it made her look a twat for not thinking of it.

Or Girl B's family found out about sick girl collection and assumed it was for their child, asked PTA woman about it, who then said yes it is, so she didn't look a twat for not doing it.

mickeysminnie · 27/09/2016 14:05

Go to the head, and if she/he sorts it out, great. If not ring the police and ask them to have a word.

PersianCatLady · 27/09/2016 14:08

Not sure anyone's got a legal case here, surely a collection amongst aquiantances isn't covered by legislation
Of course it is.

If you have a collection of money in your house to spend on your kids and I as your friend come along and steal it to spend on my kid, then I have stolen it from you.

redshoeblueshoe · 27/09/2016 14:08

I'd go to the Head, and explain to them that you have decided at the moment not to go to the police, but you are still considering it.

ijustwannadance · 27/09/2016 14:09

The collection money should NEVER have been split because the OP had raised money specifically for child A!

There is a massive difference giving to a collection for a very sick child which would tug at most people's heartstrings and generosity, and giving to a child who is just having tonsils out or similar.

MammouthTask · 27/09/2016 14:09

Actually I'm surprised that parents haven't questioned what is happening.
Surely they must be aware of the collection for girl A but when did they hear of the collection for girl B and was that presented to them?

NightWanderer · 27/09/2016 14:09

Good luck with the meeting with the Head. Do let us nosy buggers know what happened.

Pipkinhartley · 27/09/2016 14:11

Why not email the headteacher, this will give you the opportunity to set out the events chronologically and factually and this may help if you're worried about a face to face meeting with the head. Plus you'll have the chance to read everything before you send and ensure you've recorded all the pertinent details. Plus you'll have it recorded should you not get a satisfactory response so could escalate if needed.
Just double check the fundraising regulatory bodies first should you chose to quote or link from any websites - it's a great idea as mentioned up thread, but the fundraising regulator is more so for individuals who were getting hounded by charities. However, the principles as screenshotted remain the same. Something like the institute of fundraisers website may also assist as they provide information on the principles and how they should be adhered to.
As others have said, this isn't reasonable, you shouldn't have to suck it up.

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