Re DH giving formula?

[passremarkable]

So I'm an AIBU lurker. Not posted before except 1-2 comments. Posting now BC feeling quite upset really & keen for perspective.

So background... 1st baby, difficult delivery, ill afterwards, struggled with breastfeeding in terms of milk supply. Baby dropped 86th to 11th centiles. Eventually at 8 weeks went to breastfeeding clinic. Saw amazing MWs who advised on how to give formula tops ups to get my BFing back on track. Had mastitis 4 times but managed to feed till 10 months.

Baby no 2 will be 3 weeks today. Have been hospital in patient for > 50% of time since birth with complications for him & me, but essentially nothing serious/permanent wrong. Both doing well now at home.
I'm so delighted that despite a rocky postnatal course I've been BFing brilliantly. He had one formula top up when I had to leave him on ward for tests (no pump available in time). But otherwise all BFing.

We're home a few nights now. Hubby has been asking to give a bottle +++ since before
Baby born. I've explained umpteen times that given our fertility issues this might be our last chance to have a child. I really want to do it as naturally as possible. I've said in open to top/ups with EBM ideally, but would be ok with formula if baby not thriving or if problem with milk etc. But otherwise I want to BF if I can.

I've not had energy to deal with expressing yet but had collected a little extra leakage (sorry!) & to appease hubbie said if baby got hungry last night while I was getting ready for bed he could offer the bottle. It was only 20mls. I said I would be upstairs & ready to feed him when he was done. So last feed ended 2230hrs.

It's now 3.30am. I just woke up with really sore engorged boobs, top, sheets etc soaking from leaked milk (sorry again buyout washing machine is broken so in royally irritated about unecessarily laundry). He's just brought baby in for feed. I must have fallen asleep earlier. He's just admitted he's given 120mls formula 11-midnight. He reckons baby vomited a third of it (has been reflux anyway).

I am probably so in this right now as to be a bit OTT but I'm really so upset as to feel quite numb.'I don't know where to start to express to DH how Upset I am that he's ignored the BFing plan, made unilateral decision to do something like that.

If he'd just asked Id have explained again. Baby's weight perfect. I'm a bit tired but actually been better past 48hrs than any time since birth. Been in brilliant mood, had visitors. success of BFing has helped my recovery Inthink.

I'm open to formula if we need it having been there before, I know how hard it is for
Folk that want to BF but can't.

Why would he do this now though?
How do I express my upset without throttling him?
How do I get him to support me?

Be gentle. Sorry for rambling....

I'd be fuming. He's not just putting your breastfeeding journey at risk by not allowing you to feed on demand but he's put you at risk of mastitis! What a twat!

Coconut. Their baby not her baby. Their decision not her decision.

Bluesky you are just wrong here. Yes, it is their baby but that doesn't mean every decision is to be shared. Should he get to make birth decisions for the OP, too? Breastfeeding or not is one of the few parenting decisions women get to make for themselves as it involves their body and not their partners.

Bluesky
What if the father wanted OP to breastfeed but OP didn't? Would you be demanding OP breastfeed? No breasts, no final say.

diddl You're right of course. I did expect him to know that formula could damage my supply. I think he "knew" on some
level but didn't really get just how sore/damaging etc it would be in reality.

In chatting I've been surprised how much I know about the day to day practicalities of feeding that he doesn't. I've maybe assumed more residual knowledge from last time & not realised how much I just did last time, with his support but not his practical input if that makes sense.

Gut flora is something he's really interested in so it's also a really good talking point for us.

Just putting out there.
I am siding with those that say the feeding is the Mum's decision. Of course it is. Same as for mode of birth etc, ultimately contraception etc.

But boy do I feel much better about it when he's on side. Lots of our chat has been reassuring him he's doing loads for me even just topping up water, doing a nappy etc. I think he's found our long hospital stay, tests etc much harder than me, & harder than I realised. I felt quite sorry if been just so furious. Although of course I had a right to be.

I think a decision about breast / bottle feeding should be mostly the mothers decision. She's the only parent capable of breast feeding, and in most cases, she'll be the parent doing the bulk of the baby care in the first few months.

Plus, if a father has a burning desire to bottle feed his baby for whatever reason, this should be discussed and an agreement either way reached before the baby's born. It shouldn't be something sprung on the mother while she's asleep and the father's keeping an eye on their 3 week old baby.

I think the parent who is at home doing most/all of the feeding gets to decide tbh.

Glad you seem to have things more sorted out with DH.

As another NICU doctor it's really disappointing to see another of my colleagues with the mistaken belief that breastfeeding advice is for nurses and midwives to give. I think as a profession we need to have a bit of a word with ourselves and make it a priority to educate ourselves about something so important. This is such a massive bug bear of mine.

Gruffalo:

I believe that both parents have an equal say in how the baby is fed, with the proviso that mum can veto breastfeeding if she wants, because they are her breasts.

Ie if mum wants to BF and dad wants to formula feed, then they are in a deadlock because both parents are equal. But if mum wants to formula, and dad wants to BF, then baby is formula fed, because dad can't force mum to use her boobs.

I can see why you're upset and I wouldn't be happy with DP doing it behind my back but I think you're over reacting slightly.

One bottle every now and then isn't going to harm your supply and I agree with a previous poster that he is an equal parent.. He just wants the opportunity to feed his baby! Give him the chance to every now and then and catch up on some sleep while he does!

Blue and the time to make that decision is when?

Alone, when the other parent is asleep?

Or through continued discussion together, preferably before you're both exhausted, and ensuring that the agreement you get to is one you stick with regardless of who 'won' the question?

Trust in parenting means sticking to agreements you've made. Not thinking 'oh whenever he has the baby he'll do whatever he like with it because it's his child too'. That's not a relationship that sounds more like two single people.

Batteriesallgone If you read my post properly, you'd see I said I wouldn't be happy with DP doing anything behind my back. Of course there needs to be discussion!

I agree with you there 100% batteries

Lou I was responding to Bluesky. But I do have an issue with the idea of giving a bottle every now and again, I wouldn't be happy with that, it didnt happen with us. Neither of us (me or DH) feel that a father needs to feed a newborn.