Re DH giving formula?

[passremarkable]

So I'm an AIBU lurker. Not posted before except 1-2 comments. Posting now BC feeling quite upset really & keen for perspective.

So background... 1st baby, difficult delivery, ill afterwards, struggled with breastfeeding in terms of milk supply. Baby dropped 86th to 11th centiles. Eventually at 8 weeks went to breastfeeding clinic. Saw amazing MWs who advised on how to give formula tops ups to get my BFing back on track. Had mastitis 4 times but managed to feed till 10 months.

Baby no 2 will be 3 weeks today. Have been hospital in patient for > 50% of time since birth with complications for him & me, but essentially nothing serious/permanent wrong. Both doing well now at home.
I'm so delighted that despite a rocky postnatal course I've been BFing brilliantly. He had one formula top up when I had to leave him on ward for tests (no pump available in time). But otherwise all BFing.

We're home a few nights now. Hubby has been asking to give a bottle +++ since before
Baby born. I've explained umpteen times that given our fertility issues this might be our last chance to have a child. I really want to do it as naturally as possible. I've said in open to top/ups with EBM ideally, but would be ok with formula if baby not thriving or if problem with milk etc. But otherwise I want to BF if I can.

I've not had energy to deal with expressing yet but had collected a little extra leakage (sorry!) & to appease hubbie said if baby got hungry last night while I was getting ready for bed he could offer the bottle. It was only 20mls. I said I would be upstairs & ready to feed him when he was done. So last feed ended 2230hrs.

It's now 3.30am. I just woke up with really sore engorged boobs, top, sheets etc soaking from leaked milk (sorry again buyout washing machine is broken so in royally irritated about unecessarily laundry). He's just brought baby in for feed. I must have fallen asleep earlier. He's just admitted he's given 120mls formula 11-midnight. He reckons baby vomited a third of it (has been reflux anyway).

I am probably so in this right now as to be a bit OTT but I'm really so upset as to feel quite numb.'I don't know where to start to express to DH how Upset I am that he's ignored the BFing plan, made unilateral decision to do something like that.

If he'd just asked Id have explained again. Baby's weight perfect. I'm a bit tired but actually been better past 48hrs than any time since birth. Been in brilliant mood, had visitors. success of BFing has helped my recovery Inthink.

I'm open to formula if we need it having been there before, I know how hard it is for
Folk that want to BF but can't.

Why would he do this now though?
How do I express my upset without throttling him?
How do I get him to support me?

Be gentle. Sorry for rambling....

Where's the evidence for this:

An EBF baby has the perfect stomach PH and enzymes for breast milk. Formula top ups can change this and impede digestion until the system rebalances.

Not goady, curious.

Or maybe just maybe he didn't want to wake you and it has all backfired on him. Perhaps something to consider .

With all due respect, Qwebec, this is one ofthose momentd where it us really and truly not about finding a way that works for the OP's husband. To do so might be "nice" for hIm, but will cause pain for OP, pain for the baby and disrupt the process if establishing supply, whuch is really damn important at this early stage. Even expressing at this early stage is not a good idea.

He is being a dick and he will hopefully realise in the clear light of day.

And seriously, he has a lifetime to feed this child and is it really so long to wait til 6 months and the weaning process? And even any expressed bottles in a few weeks time?

I'm glad you've got yourself sorted out now, OP. Have a good sleep.

Hang on, the bloke can't win.

You've just said "isn't it exhausting that we do....... At the same time as the physical work"

Yet he tries to help out and let you sleep and now you've yelled at him and had a massive go.

Yes, I get that BF is a big deal to some people, and I understand that it's bloody uncomfortable when you're full of milk.

But it's not just your baby. It's not just probably your last. Chances are, he loved how much of a chance he had to bond with the first when feeding him and would like to be as involved with this one.

Ive skimmed the thread, so sorry to not comment on the actual problem But just quickly before DD wakes up..

My DD vomited after formula (was BF as well) & it was a CMPA - cows milk allergy. She still has it, years later.

Also could DH give a bottle of expressed milk to give you a rest?

Hope you're morning chat goes well.
Putting aside his total inability to work as a team and a complete lack of respect for your, clearly explained wishes.. If he can't appreciate that his choice to feed formula caused both you and hos own child physical pain then I think you need to make it clear to him. He obviously doesn't seem bothered about emotional pain caused but maybe the physical pain will make an impact?
I had to quit bf cold turkey a few weeks ago and it was incredibly painful for over a week. I woke up sweating from discomfort, it hurt if my toddler hugged me, I had to buy a pump just to get some relief and I had a high temperature which in the middle of a heatwave was really unpleasant. DH was reading surprised at how much it hurt. I don't think people realise how much it does hurt for some of us.

Big hugs. New baby can be so hard and draining, especially if there are complications and hormones are all over the place anyway.
it's great that he wants to help, but formula just isn't the way to do that.

Breastfeeding is an on demand service, if baby isn't feeding your body is telling itself it doesn't need more milk, and you can end up stuck in an unwanted top up trap. There are so many, much more fun ways, to bond with a baby. DH did baths, sang songs, tickled her, chatted to her, showed her things. He found all of these things far more enjoyable than sitting with a bottle shoved in her mouth. He got her first laugh, and they are thick as thieves still.

If you do both agree that he can do this again, perhaps you could teach him about feeding on demand - it works for bottle feeding as well as breastfeeding. Then he is less likely to have the same situation of baby being sick and uncomfortable.

Breastfeeding can be tough, but so rewarding. Make sure you have plenty of

Hey mad ginger...
That's the thing, it's not about winning. It's about doing best by this little cherub.

I get your point re DH loving top ups last time & wanting it again. He actually didn't do it often, but did like it. But it's not about what he wants. My priority is to give the baby the best possible start. That means breast milk for now. I've said it open to expressing / EBM top ups in future once we're established.

If DH wants to be my hero all he needs to do is listen to me & to the feeding cues of the baby...

It's really been straightforward this time so it's tough to see why we would fix something that's not broken.

He's apologising more sincerely now. He's admitted he did it BC he has patients whose babies sleep through the night on formula. I've gently explained again that it's me who's up (he sleeps through amazing levels of noise) and I'm delighted & honoured to get to do this. It's only for a few months of my life. I was saying how great I was feeling yesterday. Wasn't remotely tired. I am now though...

I would suggest he was trying to be helpful and doesn't understand how it messes everything up.

I also suggest binning the formula and when you can express and freeze your milk so he can give a bottle once you have BF fully established - good luck !

He manipulated the situation and I'd be pretty livid from your perspective. Hope you're getting some sleep. I think the way to go would be to express some milk for him to feed once your supply is more established. - perhaps get a routine going in the future. But that sounds more of a longer term goal. It sounds as though you have loads of milk. I never leaked or became seriously engorged so I don't think he has anything to worry about on the feeding front.

I would be livid.

He clearly wasn't trying to help you out, or doing it to give you more sleep. He'd been pestering you to let him give the baby a bottle and then took the chance when you were sleeping. The problem is he'll never admit to this.

Show him this thread as a PP suggested and he'll see the overwhelming opinion. Ultimately there was no need to do it other than to satisfy his own wishes.

And no you shouldn't be trying to find ways to make him happier about feeding. It's one aspect of the baby's life and he'll get his shot at feeding for many years to come.

He should be proud of you for continuing to grow a person with just your body and let you get on with it because you're both lucky enough that's all your baby needs (as you clearly know and appreciate).

I hope he sees sense this morning!!

Thanks Fleek re allergy idea...
I think it was just the volume this time. He's refkuxy anyway so needs to upright for while post BFing, cot on tilt etc anyway...
Will bear in mind though if becomes problematic.

I'm still on antibiotic which is prob not helping wee man's tummy. Infection was another reason I wanted baby to be getting my immunoglobulin.

And I had delayed PPH so keen for uterine stimulation from the feeding to help settle bleeding down... Loads of reasons why BFing is the best thing for us right now.

Thanks guys, all good ideas. Will hopefully get some resolution in clear light of day...

Glad you had a constructive conversation together
I absolutely agree with the frustration of having to work to decode his thinking, rather than him doing more thinking before acting himself

It is about what is best for baby here
Breast milk and breast feeding
Not what the husband wants to do
He has plenty of ways to bond with baby
He will have plenty of opportunities to feed baby in the future

When breastfeeding is going well, it can be wonderful
I found breastfeeding my second, when I had confidence in myself, really easy and enjoyable and instinctive, I felt (excuse the mush) that we were in harmony with each other- I made the milk she needed, not too much, not too little
When you are in this zone it is bloody annoying for someone to come along and upset your balance! Esp with misguided ideas of helping you, when you are actually doing really well, and they are making things harder!

Although of course you'll get back into your rhythm ok OP

Ps mummy dragon so weird re supply. I had hardly any milk for first baby so this has been really liberating to feel definitely enough this time, weight great etc... It's been completely different experience - really positive!

Thanks hopelessly, that totally nails how I'm feeling. I am mushy about it

He's a doctor ? It's surprising he hasn't got a better grasp of the issues. I still feel he was motivated by love for both of you. Hope you all feel better in daylight.

Acting from love would be discussing openly with OP his reasons for wanting for formula feed baby. Acting from love would not involve overfeeding a reflux baby for starters. I doubt a parent who set out to formula feed who had a reflux baby would do that. Why did he do it? I bet because it was spur of the moment, make a point about it making them sleep, get as much down their throat as possible

He's been selfish and caused pain to both baby and OP. He should be ashamed of his ignorance.

I'd be furious about this. He's deliberately gone against your wishes, while you're asleep so you don't have a chance to object, over fed the baby, and in the process has inadvertently caused physical pain to both of you. And introducing formula and bottles at this early stage can undermine breastfeeding and lead to issues of under supply where you have to keep giving top ups, or nipple confusion. There's plenty of time for introducing bottles of expressed milk later once your supply is established.

And as for sleeping through the night on formula - your baby is 3 weeks old. It would be abnormal for any 3 week old baby to sleep through the night regardless of how it's fed.

I'd either be binning or hiding any remaining formula so he can't do this again. And reminding him that there's plenty of other ways for a father to bond with his baby.

A (male) friend of mine was told by his aunt to start giving the baby some oatmeal mixed in with her bottle from 1 month old, and said it would help her sleep through. Her was wondering how to broach this with his wife. I told him to leave it well alone and that was awful advice. I did suspect this was something similar. Loads of people still believe that formula fed babies are more likely to sleep through.

I agree, bin (hide) all the bottles and formula. He's can help with feeding when the baby is older. I've had mastitis and it's awful. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Good luck OP! You're doing great.

Another one who would be absolutely fucking livid.

What is his obsession with feeding the baby?

At best he has acted out of misguided support (trying to give you a little more sleep / rest) at worst he has purposefully ignored you and your baby's needs for his own selfish reason or he is a control freak.

Dear op, not long out of this stage myself. I remember it as a haze of emotion and irrationality....especially at night.
My DH did things like this, always because he thought even though I wanted to feed, I needed more sleep. And bless him, he was doing his absolute best for us and longterm it didn't matter.
You need to be a team right now, and be very forgiving, you are both in a fog... All the posters who would be livid... That doesn't really help you with looking after a baby does it? You both need love and compassion. What you are doing is so hard, it all feels like life or death, on top of sleep deprivation. Your poor DH. Not a git, just making a mistake. Poor you you sound amazing and well done for your persistence with BF, and congrats on the little one...
I say this as someone who reduced my DH to tears severel times tearing him a new one over things like this...

I'd hide the bottles and go to the shop if you get desperate. You're doing great BRing, it's not as easy as everyone says!
Could you ask him to do the lovely snoozy upright time post feed before bed to have some cuddles? Or the first proper morning nappy?
That way you might get an extra 20 minutes sleep? Every little helps some days.

Mrs Joey & night wanderer think we will be removing all the formula.

I wonder if you're right re misguided advice. I suspect his opinion prob is skewed BC he looks after very poorly neonates. Often need tube feeding/IVs. They're often on set 3hrly feeds on the wards mainly for reasons of practicality. He can go in to ward, say how much to turn up or down feed volume & it happens. He's asked me a few times in past why BFing can be so frequent.

I do think he struggles a bit with the organic process of on demand and isn't that used to healthy babies. I might revisit this.

I've sent him a few links on BFing so hopefully he'll read them too.

Catduck- yup on the post feed snuggles. He's been doing this really helpfully so I'll restate how helpful it is to him.

I'll restate how helpful all the good bits are while I'm at it as way I think.

I should say btw that I am ashamed of myself for actually shouting at him. I was hormonal, distraught, frankly sore. I know that doesn't help anyone so will be checking my behaviour to for perhaps more constructive communication skills...
Eek...

He wasn't trying to help you, he wanted to have a go on the baby and has since they arrived. He put his needs before yours and his baby. That needs to stop and he needs to support you and let you be in charge, he is in the backseat at the mo. Hopefully he has learnt his lesson and you can move on from this, enjoy your baby. I loved feeding mine and when it's all going well it's blissful.