Re DH giving formula?

[passremarkable]

So I'm an AIBU lurker. Not posted before except 1-2 comments. Posting now BC feeling quite upset really & keen for perspective.

So background... 1st baby, difficult delivery, ill afterwards, struggled with breastfeeding in terms of milk supply. Baby dropped 86th to 11th centiles. Eventually at 8 weeks went to breastfeeding clinic. Saw amazing MWs who advised on how to give formula tops ups to get my BFing back on track. Had mastitis 4 times but managed to feed till 10 months.

Baby no 2 will be 3 weeks today. Have been hospital in patient for > 50% of time since birth with complications for him & me, but essentially nothing serious/permanent wrong. Both doing well now at home.
I'm so delighted that despite a rocky postnatal course I've been BFing brilliantly. He had one formula top up when I had to leave him on ward for tests (no pump available in time). But otherwise all BFing.

We're home a few nights now. Hubby has been asking to give a bottle +++ since before
Baby born. I've explained umpteen times that given our fertility issues this might be our last chance to have a child. I really want to do it as naturally as possible. I've said in open to top/ups with EBM ideally, but would be ok with formula if baby not thriving or if problem with milk etc. But otherwise I want to BF if I can.

I've not had energy to deal with expressing yet but had collected a little extra leakage (sorry!) & to appease hubbie said if baby got hungry last night while I was getting ready for bed he could offer the bottle. It was only 20mls. I said I would be upstairs & ready to feed him when he was done. So last feed ended 2230hrs.

It's now 3.30am. I just woke up with really sore engorged boobs, top, sheets etc soaking from leaked milk (sorry again buyout washing machine is broken so in royally irritated about unecessarily laundry). He's just brought baby in for feed. I must have fallen asleep earlier. He's just admitted he's given 120mls formula 11-midnight. He reckons baby vomited a third of it (has been reflux anyway).

I am probably so in this right now as to be a bit OTT but I'm really so upset as to feel quite numb.'I don't know where to start to express to DH how Upset I am that he's ignored the BFing plan, made unilateral decision to do something like that.

If he'd just asked Id have explained again. Baby's weight perfect. I'm a bit tired but actually been better past 48hrs than any time since birth. Been in brilliant mood, had visitors. success of BFing has helped my recovery Inthink.

I'm open to formula if we need it having been there before, I know how hard it is for
Folk that want to BF but can't.

Why would he do this now though?
How do I express my upset without throttling him?
How do I get him to support me?

Be gentle. Sorry for rambling....

Because the health benefits to the mother and baby come WAY behind the wishes of the father, obviously.

Sorry, that was answer to this question

I think there's something very undermining about this sort of behaviour. It's almost as though some men can't take a back seat for a little while - for a few short months, during breastfeeding, the mother/baby relationship comes first. Why would men have a problem with that?

< must remember to refresh page before posting >

Also let's remember just how much formula he gave a small baby.

How can you defend that? Surely as a doctor who works with poorly babies he must be aware that it is bad to overfeed a baby, and it would almost certainly cause vomiting and pain in a reflux baby.

This is not a bf vs ff issue. This is not a defence of formula feeding fathers issue. This is a very specific case of thoughtless harmful behaviour from a man who should know better.

Breastfeeding is something only women can do. If dads find that hard to deal with then tough frankly.

When the OP is trying to establish her supply and her baby is trying to become an expert feeder, suggesting that she lets her husband give the baby the odd bottle so he doesn't feel left out is dreadful advice.

OP it sounds like it's driven by his desire to control and monitor milk intake which is a good thing in a neonatal unit but not so good in a breastfed baby.

Glad you've sorted things out. Bung the readymade in the back of a cupboard - it lasts ages :)

If it was a 20ml formula top up because he was tired and couldn't find the EBM, and he used paced bottle feeding, the baby wasn't sick, he settled the baby well, and the baby woke in good time for another breastfeed without the mother noticeably suffering I doubt there would have been the same response. People would have said ah he's just falling back on what you did with your first because he was tired, have another chat about on demand breastfeeding, no real harm done.

That's not what happened though.

I can't believe that he's a doctor that deals with babies and doesn't realise what effect not feeding your baby would have on both of you!

He clearly thinks he knows best.

One of the reasons I bfed was no pissing about with bottles.

Surely some of the babies he looks after are fed bmilk & he realises that ffeeding can upset the mum's supply?

Our first had trouble feeding, I was a walking zombie, we had pre-made formula just in case too, I'd not managed to express, and I'd fallen asleep, DP woke me after 4 hours full of apologies because DS1 needed a feed.

He'd thought about the formula, but knew that I wanted to BF, and we were getting there, and also knew what would happen if I didn't feed and got engorged instead. That's normal, that's thinking about both what the baby needs and what I needed, and balancing the two.

What your DP did was over-feed a baby, and leave you in incredible discomfort just because he wanted to. You are justified to be livid about his decision.

SmallThings you'd want a 'turn' to put your needs above your baby's?

Why?

OP it sounds like you had a bad night but have dealt with it overall pretty well. He was wrong and a bit selfish but hopefully gets it now. Please ignore some of the weird posters on this thread who seem to have zero understanding of breastfeeding. You didn't 'let your baby starve' . And your DH isn't owed the chance to feed your kid. Your choice is the only one that counts on this issue and it sounds like you're doing amazingly. You should be really proud. Hope your DH gets it now and is more supportive.

small things"she let her child starve" sorry were you there? That's nonsense. Actually with baby 1 we had umpteen Appts with lots of different specialists & we together followed their advice. The weight loss happened despite this. In the end it was a BFing nurse specialise (an angel) who suggested formula top ups, which worked to get us back on track.

This time round we agreed together to give BFing a go & to do top-ups if issues etc

someone earlier said that I was "explaining" my choices rather than giving him a say. I should point out we're both happy with plan to BF for multiple health reasons. I was explaining to him the facts, techniques, FAQs etc of BFing rather than my views on it. The objective rather than the subjective.

Medicine is so specialised that
BFing is not something he would be expected to comment on specifically in his occupation. Other than that we're expected to make supportive noises. Specifics are not the forte of the doc. There are other members of staff who are trained in this & who have time to spend with parents on this. Midwives, nurses etc. who are brilliant resources for support. In fact I support many families through my work. It frustrates me he was listening to others & not me.

Re amounts he said this am that he'd told me the wrong thing last night. He reckons it was actually 75mls. Whether that was on top of the 30mls EBM or as well as I'm not clear. He was pretty tired. But it was less than he said at first anyway.

Anyway, I just popped back BC it's very interesting discussion. He is extremely contrite today. I think we've both come to understand that he's been more worried about me & the baby than he'd realised. I think it came from this. We've agreed to go back to the original plan of BFing unless there's a problem.

choc choc that's the ideal scenario. Well channel you guys...

Thanks dorothea I really do appreciate that. The starvation thing made me

someone earlier said that I was "explaining" my choices rather than giving him a say. I should point out we're both happy with plan to BF for multiple health reasons.

That was me. If he was happy with the EBF plan why would he then decide to FF? It seemed as though he was encouraging FF so that he could have a turn.

And I've apologised for shouting

OP, I would be fucking LIVID. I actually would be furious with him. What a fucking condescending dick - he went behind your back, and gave 120 fucking mls to an ebf baby in one go! No wonder your little baby puked it up. Is he just out to sabotage breastfeeding? That's what I'd be asking him. And considering the fact that he's a medical professional - it just gets worse! He works with neonates and he doesn't know anything about a baby's optimum food source (ie breastmilk)? Did he actually get medical training at all?

I would show him this thread. Then I would be binning the formula. And then I would be throwing out the pump. You do not need to pump unless YOU want to. And you shouldn't be pumping anyway for a 3 week old unless you've been advised to do so by a qualified professional (which your husband clearly is not) because your milk supply is still establishing itself.

Sorry for all the swear words but I'm so furious on your behalf. What he did was really fucking low.

I think you both need to decide on a feeding strategy that you are both happy with. You unilaterally deciding to do no top ups is no better than him deciding to do things all his own way. This baby is both of yours, and the decisions should be made by consensus.

Waffles80 - lots of articles online about how the gut flora differs for a breastfed baby and a formula fed baby. You can also read up about the virgin gut - it's very interesting reading.

waffles there are various links on Kellymom about the virgin gut including this one: www.naba-breastfeeding.org/images/Just%20One%20Bottle.pdf

My DS was given formula in hospital which may have contributed to him being "a sicky baby" at first although he's much better after a few months of EBF. There's very little discussion of this research and midwives seem happy to give formula at the slightest hurdle.

Glad you've had a calm talk about it all OP.

Blue - no, the decision is not his. It is the OP's - if she wants to breastfeed, then she should be supported in that decision. It is NOBODY ELSE's decision. It is hers and hers alone.

"BFing is not something he would be expected to comment on specifically in his occupation."

No, but he must know that it's not good for your supply to miss a feed?

And why should she need to do topups anyway? Her breasts are clearly providing what her baby needs - she said he is doing fine!

OP - do not listen to what A11 said. What a really bloody ignorant thing to say. You did not starve your first baby.