to not want to name new baby after dh's grandad who has just died?

[Egypt]

i feel cruel, but i just can't do it. dh has just lost his grandad, whom he was very close to. he desperately wants to use his name as a middle name if this baby - due end of march, turns out to be a boy. i feel emotionally blackmailed and that its not fair to impose a name on someone for the rest of their lives for the sake of the memory of someone else, if the name isn't.....nice. its not like we are going to ever forget him. i want my only son to have a name i am actually proud of and wont be totally embarrassed of forever. i'd feel i'd have to tell everyone who asked his name WHY we'd called him that. ok, so its a middle name, but ....am i being unreasonable?

...the name is .... Maurice

Perhaps I'm missing something but I thought the function of a middle name is to be able to honour/remember someone when you don't want to use the name as a first name. Do some people just give random middle names bacause they like the name? It's not as though anyone except your family and the person who processes your ds's passport will ever know or care what his middle name is. I think you may be over-estimating other people's interest, I've never asked or been told any of my friends' kids middle names.

BTW, I have a weird middle name because it's a family name, and so does my db and it's never bothered either of us a bit.

These arguments people are making for using the Maurice name are reasonable arguments, but personally, I would refuse. It's a gross name. And I'd say to DH, "you get the final choice when the baby come out of your body and you have to go through pregnancy and labour and endless people sticking their hands up you in plastic gloves".

am not recommending this but that's what I'd do.

If it meant that much to my DH, and as the child was both of ours, then I'd have two middle names, with Maurice as the 3rd name.

My sister's middle name is my great grandma's name - not a well knowm, popular name nowadays, but it was important to my mum. And sister now sees it as her link to a grandparent she never met.

For me, a name is something personal that you give to your child; it belongs to them and them alone, and it feels strange to me to want to give him someone else's name as a way of keeping him alive, when the baby is a whole new person.

Of course this is your dh's child as well, but the name should be something you both choose, that you both like, and that you will both be happy with. I don't think it's altogether fair to expect you to give your child a name - even a middle name - that makes you cringe.

There are plenty of other ways he can remember his uncle without giving his name to your baby.

Both ds1 and ds2 have names from both mine and dh's grandfathers as their first names. But they are lovely names which we liked as names without the family connection.

If I hadn't not liked the names, think we would have had them as middle names.

Good luck - it is a very emotional decision to make.

lol fennel.

we've not used middle names to honour/remember people in our family actually. yes, they've been chosen because parents have liked the name. i guess it doesn't matter though. except to me.

and i can't feel proud to announce a name to people that i'm embarrased of even if it is in someone else's memory. my explanation of why we've used it would be to excuse it and i dont want to feel like that about my own baby.

but like i said, i'll wait and see!

i find naming children after dead family members morbid.

thats how i feel WWW

no way do i find it morbid. i just want to like my child's name!

I think you should wait til March, let current emotions simmer down and see what you both feel then. If, after the birth, it's the same then go with fennel's advice: straight after labour you are holding all the cards!

I'd be inclined to leave til nearer the time. Its too soon and emotions are runn ing high on the part of your DH - he may feel less strongly about it nearer the time.

For a middle name I'd do it. Mine all have 2 middle names anyway. Tbh I think it's nice to have some family connection within the names. We always try to give middle names that are to do with the family rather than somehting we just like.

Mmm, it is tricky. Personally we have gone for middle names as a way of honouring family members - only one of them was dead at the time of naming. I don't really see the point of a middle name otherwise. You never use it. I like to think of there being a connection with our past through our names.

But I see your point about Maurice. Fortunately all the names we used were of the John and Peter variety.

Have it as a middle name. Definatley not the first - usless you like Mo?

difficult I know.

I've used grandparents' names as middle names for my first 3, but with No4 the last name left was (IMHO) horrible - Ronald (apologies to any Ronald-lovers). So we quietly went back a generation and used Ronald's father's name - everyone's happy and I do like keeping the family name thing going. I'd like to think there will be a little Hassled in a couple of generation's time, and I like that my mother is remembered in DD's middle name, especially as she never met her grandchildren.

shame, cos dh's other grandad is called george.. love that name! but no - it has to be this one?!! george died many years ago, but dh was close to him too. aaaanyway..

George is lovely.

You're not being unreasonable, because as mother of course you have a veto right over names, but if you can bring yourself to compromise it would be a lovely thing to do.
Also, what names are embarrassing changes all the time. Eg. a lot of the names that are very fashionable now used to be seen as old lady/old man names (Violet, Daisy, Ruby, Arthur, Alf etc) - we would have been embarrassed by those as children but now they are seen as lovely. I don't think your son will go through life embarrassed about his name.

I have given my son a name that I'm not hugely keen on because it was dh's dad's name (and then we had to give him my dad's name as middle name so my dad didn't get offended!) because I disliked that less than dh disliked the names I wanted!

Of course if it carries on making you cringe don't do it, but if you can re-educate yourself to stop cringing it would be a lovely gesture IMHO!

My middle name was given to me after my (now dead) grandfather - without saying what it is, a French version of an English name which is VERY fasionable now, but as a child I was deeply embarrassed to have it as a middle name and hated it.

So, as has been pointed out, you just can't tell how it will seem to your ds or to people generally in say, 15 or 20 years' time.

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thanks all. yes kathy, it would be a lovely thing for me to do. and dh has pointed out that i will be more likely to get my sway on the first name - which we still haven't decided on! and i guess that's more of a compromise on his part than mine would be. although he did say he'd have to like it quite a lot to agree!

i am terribly fickle, and think of the little things. like my mum had dd a lovely picture painted when she was born with both her names on in beautiful watercolours with winnie the pooh characters in and around the letters - she'd do the same for the next one....

some of you have said that middle names never get used, but we often call dd by both her names in our house. many people do. i can see my reluctance to use it throughout life would offend dh more than possibly not having it at all.

I have to be honest and say that I wouldn't give my child a name that I didn't like whatever the circumstances.

My brother's middle name is Ronald, after a grandfather (his first name was, just because they liked it, the name of the other grandfather). My brother always hated it!

yorkshirelass, thank you! do you know, i think that grandad's 'girlfriend' (who died about 4 years ago) called him Maury. hmmm

I would do it - it would mean a lot to your DH and his family and your son would have a lovely link to the great-grandfather that he hasn't met

My two are named after family relations - although the names are not v. "cool" - but that is not what is important!