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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've just called the police for my neighbour

109 replies

MsJamieFraser · 21/09/2016 22:14

Dh coming home from work and sees our neighbour running out her house with him screaming at her, but because she seen dh, she ran straight back in the house, this was 5 ish, neighbour was sobbing her heart out.

All night we have heard raised voices, and loud banging etc... We know they have kids but didn't hear them, so assumed they where out.. However dh didn't want to call the police as so far we only heard their raised voices and loud bangs, until we heard the kids crying hysterically.

She will know it's us, but it was game over once we heard the kids, we know he has a history of depression, however it's been 5 long hours.

OP posts:
londonrach · 22/09/2016 04:27

Well done op you done the right thing. No way should your dh get involved if a neighbour its too close, better a unknown. Hope shes ok and the children x

SalemSaberhagen · 22/09/2016 05:26

'He may turn DV on me' OP? Really?

rightsforwomen · 22/09/2016 05:31

Thank you OP.
I am in EA relationship and wish someone would call the police for me, thus is then not be something I've done to rile him.

Hope the woman and children are now safe.

rightsforwomen · 22/09/2016 05:34

heyday you don't have to wait until it tunes physical for it to be a police matter.

mathanxiety · 22/09/2016 05:56

Maybe knock on the door at a reasonable time and ask her how she's doing.

I think you did the right thing, and though this is a really difficult and delicate time, possibly it was for the best that it all happened the way it did.

Original poster
MsJamieFraser · 22/09/2016 06:31

rightsforwoman, you can PM me anytime, do you have a support network around you?

I'm sorry your going through this also, if there is anything I can do, even if it's a good cry over the phone let me know Flowers

OP posts:
swizzlestar · 22/09/2016 06:42

Well done op, I think you most definitely did the right thing! Hopefully it's the start of the family getting some help.

I was in an abusive relationship for 15 years, too beaten down to leave, I wish someone had called the police for me..

rights I'm so very sorry you're going through this, please pm if I can offer support or an ear.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/09/2016 07:06

rights. I'm sorry about this. You know, you really can tell the police yourself. I know it's really scary. Do you have anyone - a friend, who you could trust?. Flowers

Hepzibar · 22/09/2016 07:14

OP schools are informed of any DV incident where the police are involved. All DV cases where there are children are high priority and actions will be taken today including a referral to CSC.

NinjaLeprechaun · 22/09/2016 07:43

"IME (and believe me, in this area I have a lot of experience of shouty, screamy neighbours), the Police tend to calm the situation down and persuade one of the arguing party, to go and stay with someone else, if they have someone to stay with."
Based on my own frame of reference I genuinely find this alarming. Where I live, if the police get called to a 'domestic dispute' they have to make an arrest. It's the law, even if they don't know who the aggressor was or exactly what happened. Apparently they were spending too much time being called to the same houses multiple times a night/day, and it keeps things from escalating.

TwoTwentyGowerRoad · 22/09/2016 08:00

they HAVE to make an arrest

The police don't arrest a person unless that person has transgressed a law on statute. They can't make it up as they go along.

bouncydog · 22/09/2016 08:01

I've done exactly the same with mine after seeing the children running up the road crying hysterically going into another neighbours. One of the older neighbours tried to help and calm things down and was verbally abused by the husband. Police came and removed him from the scene. I would do exactly the same again - you have to put the interests of the children first and had no way of knowing what was happening. Well done.

2kids2dogsnosense · 22/09/2016 08:10

Goodbye

Leave OP alone - you don't know what a difficult situation this is until you are faced with it. She did the right thing.

FruitCider · 22/09/2016 08:17

OP it's only because of intervening neighbours like you that I am alive. My life nearly ended in 2005 at the hands of my ex partner. From me, and women around the world that have been saved by their neighbours, I just wanted to say THANK YOU Flowers

I understand you are probably feeling a bit traumatised by the experience? Here's an un-MN (hug) for you.

RB68 · 22/09/2016 08:19

Its very difficult to do more than phone the police because if you intervene you put yourself and your family at risk. It is well known that often if someone intervenes BOTH parties can then turn on the intervener. Recent case local to us where man intervened with a couple and was beaten senseless by couple and 3 of their "Mates" and now on life support. Sad but true.

delboysfileofax · 22/09/2016 08:21

Ninja, do you live in England?

Toomuchnoise97 · 22/09/2016 08:25

You did the right thing. I wish my neighbours had done the same for me all those years ago and I wouldn't hesitate if I heard or saw something similar.

rightsforwomen · 22/09/2016 08:46

ninja not true. I called the police, they came round and I convinced them to leave as I told them I wasn't in danger. I regret that now. It did take some convincing, but they left.
SS never got involved even though police would not leave until they had all their details.

Thank you people, I am too far down the road for police to make a difference now as I'm buying him out and he will have to leave. I just wish my neighbours had called last year. I understand they didn't want to make it worse for me (and maybe it would have - no physical violence = just a caution for him and thus able to continue the EA). Complex.

trufflehunterthebadger · 22/09/2016 08:48

I would say that 60% + of the "domestic" 999 calls i take are from concerned neighbours. If neighbours didnt call a lot of dv would go unnoticed .

Well done OP

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/09/2016 08:49

In terms of posting on here, that's a normal reaction to what's happened.

When you're in a very high-stress situation, as well as all the adrenaline and other hormones, oxytocin is released. Oxytocin not only induces contractions and milk production, BUT it is also the "social" hormone, and it is the one that makes us feel like we need to share our troubles.

I have experienced similar - witnessed a car accident, where a young girl was struck by a car - afterwards I had this compulsion to phone people and tell them, which seemed really ghoulish until I found out about this hormone.

So it's not a "self-congratulatory" post at all - it's a part of the "de-stressing" system that we're all programmed with.

Having said all that, bloody well done to you, OP, for phoning the police. It could have been a very nasty situation - which you have potentially prevented. Thanks

trufflehunterthebadger · 22/09/2016 08:52

Based on my own frame of reference I genuinely find this alarming. Where I live, if the police get called to a 'domestic dispute' they have to make an arrest. It's the law, even if they don't know who the aggressor was or exactly what happened. Apparently they were spending too much time being called to the same houses multiple times a night/day, and it keeps things from escalating
This is total garbage. You clearly either dont live in the uk or have totally misunderstood a "positive arrest policy". We only arrest if an offence has occurred. Many domestics are non-crime and we can't arrest people for having a row.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/09/2016 08:57

yes, and lucky for a female relation of mine that it's NOT true!

Her NDN called the police once when she was having an utter meltdown with her 3 DC (she was depressed and unmedicated, this was sorted out shortly afterwards) and her DH - the NDN heard the shouting and screaming and called the police, much to my female relation's embarrassment.

No arrest was made, because there was no DV going on (although obviously the shouting and screaming at the DC wasn't a good situation - as I said though, GP visit sorted that out shortly after)

AdaLovelacesCat · 22/09/2016 09:01

if police come to a situation like that ThumbWitches, they WILL notify social services.

trufflehunterthebadger · 22/09/2016 09:03

If I hear them having a loud and huge argument - do I phone 101 as opposed to 999 ?

No, always 999. Your rule of thumb is - is it happening now ? Could someone be seriously hurt ? If you think it's something that the police need to get to now ALWAYS 999.
101 is for "my ex keeps sending me abusive texts", "my neighbour was masturbating naked in the garden yesterday", "i found a bike in a river, can i keep it ?" (Yes all real 1s i had this week).

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/09/2016 09:04

They may well have done, Ada. It was a few years ago now, so I can't remember.

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