To not want dc to stay in a strange house on school trip?

[franincisco]

Can't work out if IABU or not, so wanting opinions here really.

Dc (14) plays a school sport, lots of weekend matches. Came home today, saying he has been asked to go to play in a city 7 hours away. The plan is an overnight trip, staying in a hosts house. We know nothing about the host and that is what concerns me. I am not the "paedophile around every corner" type but I just don't feel comfortable with this, for various reasons. The boys would be staying in pairs. I haven't even received a consent form from the school!

I think you need to get more information from the school.

The OP said it was a different country and mobiles wouldn't work so I think a lot of parents assumed it was overseas. But guess it's Ireland. That's even more bonkers - not even language problems!

I used to do lots of sports trips, including a month long tour to Australia, and we billeted with oppo families all the time. It was great fun. You're being pfb, imo.

Let him go but go through a list of things he can or needs to do if things go wrong.

I did something similar when I was 13 and playing for a sports team above my age group - I ended up staying in a house with 16 year olds, no parental supervision and a lot of alcohol.

I spoke to a teacher about it on the first morning because I was worried the lack of sleep was going to affect my hockey playing. Seriously I had no idea about the other risks associated with this scenario.

Nope, nope, nope. YANBU at all. I wouldn't allow it either.

Lots of us thought that that nice Mr Saville was a creep even in the 1970s and 80s. Sadly, he wasn't the only abuser. Unfortunately, they don't come with name badges!

OP, I think you have 3 choices.

1. Swallow it. Get more info and let your kid go and have this experience.
2. Don't let him go (he may be disappointed)
3. If the arrangement the school's made doesn't suit you, go to the event, support your child and the school and drive home afterwards (or stay in a local B+B/travelodge and come back the next day)

As someone who organises things, which take a LOAD of time and energy, [for which you're never thanked, but heigh ho - goes with the territory] it does slightly tick me off when people who don't lift a finger to help sit on the sidelines and carp about how things aren't perfect for them.
If you're not happy, why not get involved and help?

Why won't his phone work?
Why would you be worried about him staying with a host? That's what happens on French-exchanges etc.
I don't understand your concerns?

Is this the norm these days?
Many pearly so sat get they would never allow their child to go on a school trip/exchange?
Why is that? What has changed?

A DBS is like an MOT, only really good on the day it is issued.

I think that, now your son is a teenager, you have to adjust the risk levels gradually as he has to start learning how to deal with the adult world on his own. Really the chances of him having any kind of bad experience staying overnight with a pal there are minimal. In another couple of years he will probably be coming home drunk from heaven knows where and then you really will have worries. You want him to get a bit street-wise before that.

The OP seems to be getting a hard time unfairly here. It sounds at least like the school haven't given enough information about the trip yet.

I didn't go on exchange trips and find/found the idea of going to stay with a family you don't know in another country, as a teenager quite unsettling. There was one mooted at school once but not enough people wanted to get involved. My parents didn't particularly want to host a strange teenager for a couple of weeks either.

I did go and do part of my degree in another country but I was 21 then and got my own flat so entirely different.

Also the OP's situation is re an overnight trip for a sporting event, not a language trip. I think the norm would be to have the team staying together in a hostel.

No I would not like this either. On here you;ll be told everyone lets their 14 year olds go hitchhiking and travel the world alone but your concerns are valid.

Some 14 year olds could cope fine with the experience even if it went a bit wrong whilst others could not.

Also, as you say you have no idea who these people are.

If your son wants to go, let him. YANBU to be a bit nervous, because he's 14 & going further than usual & it's a new set-up; YWBU to let that (in this instance) keep him from taking part.

My DB did a German Exchange in Y11; I did a German Exchange in Y8, again in Y9 when there was low take-up from the year below, and a French Exchange in Y10; & my sister did the Y8 German Exchange, a Spanish Exchange (I'm pretty sure she was Y10) & another German Exchange in Y12. We did get phone numbers & addresses for our exchange partners & as they all came here first Daddy would ring their parents to introduce himself & check if there was anything he should know the school might not have passed on etc (with a bit of difficulty when it came to Spanish!parents, as he'd only a wee bit of Spanish, so was there with phrasebook, dictionary & my sister to help!) BUT as counterpoint we were all off on our own & though our mobiles could be switched to EU networks, the cost would have been so extortionate... Nope. Calling from host families' phones was awkward as you knew it was expensive; and using a phonecard in free time during the day was tricky to manage.

If you're concerned about the way it's organised the way to improve it is going to be to offer to help for the trip next year. Maybe you could see if any other parents involved feel the same & then approach the organiser to ask about the possibility of arranging homestays even slightly in advance so parents can know exactly where & with whom their children are staying?

GnomeDePlume

Are you aware that the nice Mr Saville would have been able to get a clear DBS?

And he may well have had one, with the charity work he did.

You cannot DBS people in another country.

OP once this message has been sent what happens next? Surely there is some more information exchanged?

I've known a few people have students to stay i the Summer, either uni students or in one case some French teenagers attending a football camp.

Op i'd feel the same as you and my rather illogical position would be that i'd only let ds go if he would be very disappointed not to. We all have our own risk levels and you're not unreasonable to be concerned, just as other pps are not unreasonable to think it ok. Strangely i would be more concerned about whether host family had working smoke alarms - but as i say we all have our own concerns.

Which brings me to.....i mean this very very nicely but is this other people's dc you have in your car when dc don't have seatbelts? I would never consent to this for my dc, however short the journey, and would be furious/upset if it happened without my consent. Please can i plead with you very nicely not to do this? (And with your own dc as well, obviously!)

Oh and contessa dd who has been told she can't have a phone should in no circs be made to go on the trip if she doesn't want to - that would be unreasonable!

It sums up our completely ridiculous Inability to analyze risk, doesn't it?

Someone is prepared to allow children to travel in the footwell of a car, but not let a 14 year old stay, with a friend, with a family who have similar aged children.

It's like the time were staying on a family campsite and my sil wouldn't let her 11 year old go to the loo on his own but would let him, as a non swimmer, play on an inflatable boat out of his depth in a choppy sea.

Nope I wouldn't be happy with that and would want a lot more information.

I would think school would be breaching their own safeguarding policies.

Whose driving him? DBS checks, sleeping arrangements?

He's 14 so a child. Mine are all older than 14 now so no pfb here.

YANBU op.

oblomov would never allow any child of mine on an exchange trip even before dd was badly injured in a fatal accident on a school trip.

People have different experiences from others and this is normal and not to be patronised ( not saying you were) but others dismissing others legitimate concerns pisses me off.

sassh you missed my point that while DBS wouldnt apply in this situation it indicates that risk exists. Posters putting their heads in the sand and saying they went on exchange trips which were similarly unsupervised but were fine does not mean that the risk doesnt exist.

Take industrial accidents as an analogy:

In the study of industrial accidents there is a pyramid with fatal accidents at the top (of which there are few) and unsafe conditions at the bottom (of which there are many).

You avoid the fatal accidents by not allowing the unsafe conditions in the first place.

Statistically the OP's DS will be fine but not doing checks, just depending an 'everything will be alright' assumption creates an unsafe condition.

Try not to worry too much. Statistically, your son will be at much greater risk on the 7 hour journey than at the hosts' house.
You are understandably nervous because you never did an exchange when you were a teenager, but hope you have been reassured by lots of the posters on here. He will be with another boy and have a mobile phone.
My parents always knew the name and address of my host family when I went on exchanges (first time was in France, aged12 for a week by myself) so YANBU to ask for a bit more detail.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I do appreciate the risk analysis or lack of it and I suppose that perhaps irrationally I feel more comfortable with my children being in a higher risk situation with me (or people I know) than a lower risk situation with complete strangers.

This is a school (sport) trip, we pay rather hefty fees at the beginning of the year to cover transportation to away matches that are more than 30+ miles. What does annoy me is that the school have form for not relaying info and seem to think that everyones weekend should revolve around said sport. Unlike an exchange trip (where parents get info several months in advance) we don't find out until the Wednesday where/when the match will be (but the teachers in charge know the matches a month in advance)

Again it is not an abuse issue as such. It is safety in general and a lack of information.

Yes totally see your concerns. I would be canvassing other parents and seeing the head of sport at the school.

It's a cavalier approach at best and neglectful at worse. You need basic info for goodness sake

I agree that you need to approach the school about their poor communications with parents - in this situation, more information well in advance of the trip might have helped you feel less worried about it, fran.

I would want contact details for the host. I'd be quite robust about saying I get them, or my son does not go.

Yes it's only one night. Yes he's with a friend. But I'd want to speak to the host. I'd also, as a host, want to speak to the parents of the people I was hosting. You might need to know eg if they have a medical condition.

It would be unreasonable not to let him go, but I do think the school is being very cavalier.

And DBS checks are pointless. All they show is that you haven't been caught yet.