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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want dc to stay in a strange house on school trip?

106 replies

franincisco · 21/09/2016 18:11

Can't work out if IABU or not, so wanting opinions here really.

Dc (14) plays a school sport, lots of weekend matches. Came home today, saying he has been asked to go to play in a city 7 hours away. The plan is an overnight trip, staying in a hosts house. We know nothing about the host and that is what concerns me. I am not the "paedophile around every corner" type but I just don't feel comfortable with this, for various reasons. The boys would be staying in pairs. I haven't even received a consent form from the school!

OP posts:

Phalenopsisgirl · 21/09/2016 19:45

My school team toured America staying with host families, one to two nights in each place. They were all families of the opposing teams, we met some 'unusual families' but we were also in pairs or 3's. It was not far off going on a lot of sleep overs. We had no idea who we were staying with until we arrived, but it was fine.

pensivepolly · 21/09/2016 19:47

Totally routine at our school. Families from other schools round Europe host our athletes in their homes and we host theirs in ours over tournament weekends etc. Normally no issues whatsoever, the schools have strict rules and expectations in place for both visiting students and hosts.

brasty · 21/09/2016 19:49

There is no such thing as a DBS in France. So no the school can not do that on host families.

GingerbreadLatteToGo · 21/09/2016 19:51

He's 14, they're in pairs, it's one night. Do you let him go on sleep overs?

MadamFrog I wish it was more like that here, but it's not, & it's getting worse all the time 😖 When we are in the village the 10 year old goes from Costa, 4 shops along, to the library shock & horror - gasp - on her own. You'd think I was letting her play with lions on the motorway the way people carry on. She's also allowed to play out on her bike/scooter/rollerblades. On. Her. Own. We live in a village, in a nice part of the country where the wildest crime is puttng your bins out too early or not taking them in quick enough. But 'You just never know these days'. Arghhhhhhhh

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 21/09/2016 19:51

Come on, really. Safety in numbers and all that. Play him the pants song from the NSPCC if you think he needs a reminder.

GingerbreadLatteToGo · 21/09/2016 19:55

Lunde. Your daughter is going to Palestine on a school trip?

Wow. Are you in the UK? How did that come about?

LineyReborn · 21/09/2016 19:59

My own daughter is going on a school trip next week and will be staying with an unknown family in the Palestinian Territory

At airport security to fly into and out of Ben Gurion ?presumably she will have to give the family's details.

I've worked and travelled a lot in the region.

pilpiloni · 21/09/2016 20:08

You don't need to give anyone's details when you fly into Ben Gurion unless you are detained by immigration. THere is no security check. When you fly out, that's when you get checked thoroughly and would probably be questioned/searched more if you have been staying in the Palestinian territories.

43percentburnt · 21/09/2016 20:10

Dbs just means someone hasn't been cautioned/convicted or caught. It Doesnt mean they haven't committed a crime. I do think a dbs can give a false sense of security in some ways. A family friend, teacher or friends parent could easily be a paedophile - in fact they are more likely to be in a position to gain trust and get the child to keep it secret - meaning they are less likely to be caught.

I would let him go.

IzzyIsBusy · 21/09/2016 20:21

DBS is there for a reason.

This is only any use if they have been convicted otherwise its useless.

OP he us 14 and i am sure he is sensible. The risks are virually none considering the circumstances of the trip.
Would he be upset if you stopped him gping because of unknown fears?

anotherdayanothersquabble · 21/09/2016 20:22

Forgive me if its been suggested but can you ask to speak to or skype them. If they are remotely human they will not think this is an odd request. DS went away to a foreign country for 3 nights when he was 9, stayed with parents from a school he was visiting and they were lovely. We talked before he went and while he was there.

BackforGood · 21/09/2016 20:30

He's 14 and he's staying there for one might, with a peer

YABU

He's got more chance of being attacked on the bus /train / in the street on the way home from school.

It's not about if he's a boy or a girl - my dd stayed with a host family (we'd obv not met, nor knew the names of prior to her leaving) in Japan last year. At 15 she stayed on a house on her own on a German exchange.

No-one can ever say there is zero possibility of anything happening, but you look at the risk... the odds / the probability... call it what you will, and then you make the call.
He's much more likely to come to harm in a RTA than staying with the family of someone else who plays the same sport.

Wallywobbles · 21/09/2016 20:31

I did French exchange at 11. I think you are being rather precious. Presumably he wants to be in the team.

BackforGood · 21/09/2016 20:34

*obvs, not on her own, but I mean with the host family, but without a peer from her school . She wasn't put in isolation.

YeOldMa · 21/09/2016 20:45

I don't want to light the touch paper but we used to host the leaders of Youth Exchange Programme and one year a foreign 16 year old staying with a host family was raped. However, out of the the many, many exchange programmes we were involved in, this was the one and only incident. It may have been avoided if the young lady had informed someone in authority the man of the house had come into her bedroom in the early hours the night before instead of telling her friend and begging her to keep it a secret. That is not to say that the young lady deserved to be raped but talking with your children about what to do when things don't feel right might help them avoid horrible experiences.
Despite the fact that I know it is possible for things to go wrong, our 15 year old has been camping with scouts, on foreign youth exchanges and will stay in different hosts' houses when he goes on a 3 week sport's tour. I take the view that you could lead a very boring but secure life if you worry about every little thing. In a couple of years your child will be old enough to get married, drive a moped, have a baby, etc. He needs lots of experiences in how to be independent and these types of things really help.

manicinsomniac · 21/09/2016 20:55

Lunde - I usually think I'm pretty relaxed with things like this but I'm afraid I'd draw the line at Palestine right now. The school must be mad!

Op, I think YABU. I can understand the concern but I think it's a very safe, very common practice for teenagers.

I never did an exchange though, I was too scared. So I can understand the children feeling uncomfortable. My planned GCSE German exchange was cancelled as hardly any of wanted to go (combination of unknown families, unknown food, fear of not being able to communicate, fear of flying, fear of homesickness, lack of money etc) and the teacher was really angry with us. She called us a bunch of narrow minded xenophobes (not in those actual words but her meaning was clear enough!)

manicinsomniac · 21/09/2016 20:57

Yeoldma - that's terrible but wasn't a child killed in her hostel bed on a school trip to France once? Or abducted or something like that. Tragedies happen, it doesn't make the situation dangerous.

BertrandRussell · 21/09/2016 20:59

"" I don't think we have so much hysteria about letting our children go places as there is in the U.K. "

it is not hysteria so much as well informed panic"

Well informed panic? Have there been lots of cases of teenagers coming to harm on exchange visits then? It's been very well covered up if there have!

KERALA1 · 21/09/2016 21:08

Yabu. Strapping lad with a pal and mobile phone?

We host foreign students of that age guess we are strangers to their families, though dbs and vetted by language schools. Have had a few tears over the years - but because they don't want to go home to their boring families! Much prefer hanging out in England with their school friends.

MsJudgemental · 21/09/2016 21:12

It will be fine. His phone will work abroad. He will be with a friend, staying with parents like YOU. Let him go and let him grow!

GnomeDePlume · 21/09/2016 21:13

IzzyIsBusy what I was getting at is that DBS exists because there is risk. While DBS wont apply in this case I think the arrangements are far too casual and not thought through.

It will probably be fine but not because the arrangements are remotely satisfactory.

Original poster

franincisco · 21/09/2016 21:35

Thanks for the replies. Just to reiterate that this is not a "paedo" issue per se; I know the chances of that are very rare. There is certainly no hysteria; more an uneasy feeling because I or the school do not know of the host family, nor do they have contact details for them. I would feel so much better even if I had a piece of paper with their name/number on it.

I am certainly not a hysterical parent, the opposite really; I am the irresponsible type that has put extra kids in the footwell of the car. The children have all been on sleep overs but I knew their location and had a contact for them. I am about a 9 year old going on a foreign exchange though!

OP posts:

Naveloranges · 21/09/2016 22:12

Absolutely nothing wrong with getting more information. We are all more aware of the dangers nowadays due to a variety of information sources.
As a teen I travelled across to France by myself in the ferry and stayed with a penfriend whose family we knew absolutely nothing about. I stayed for two weeks. It was great.
I have had more problems with people I knew, including the family I babysat for. The father molested me and my driving instructor who was disgustingly inappropriate.

Beeziekn33ze · 21/09/2016 22:18

Some posters refer to OP's son 'going abroad', he isn't, is he? I'd expect the school to hold a meeting for the team and their parents, give information and answer all their queries about the overnight trip. Poor planning to give parents so little information.
We all went to stay with French exchange families at 14/15 for 4 weeks, experiences varied but nothing to worry about.
A teacher friend and her DC hosted a lone French 10 year old they'd not met or been in touch with before in the 1980s, not sure what summer school scheme she went on but she coped just fine.

Original poster

franincisco · 21/09/2016 22:31

No, not abroad. Trip is on Friday and he was told about it today, so not exactly much time to get more info! Spoke to another parent who said that this is a regular occurence for the team, they never have name/cobtact details of host and next year the South Africa trip will be the same.

OP posts:

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