Help. SS wants to assess my husband

[user1474401567]

Hi everyone hoping I could get some advice. My husband has to be assessed by the sw. He suffers from PTSD and have struggled since leaving the forces. There has also been dv as well which he got convicted for. I watched the man who was so great spiral out of control and I feel he has been let down by mental health services. He is a great dad to our daughter and has never done anything to harm her. Since the incident he has been given proper meds for his condition and seen by mh services. I want to resume my relationship with him but the sw said that she wants to see him and may need to assess him. Will they stop us being together? Or take our daughter away from us? Or will they offer help?

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exactly Jelly

Sorry if this has been asked-I haven't read the full thread, but if after an assessment you were told, broadly speaking that it was your partner or your child, who would you choose?
I'm sorry to sound harsh but it does sound like you are making excuses for his domestic violence. To be convicted for it implies that it was fairly serious. You seem to be more concerned about your partners welfare than your daughters, to be honest. Your daughter is the most imperson in the equation.

My daughter

ayeokthen- I think your comments are really quite dangerous and irresponsible. We only know one part of the story- yes, this man MAY have PTSD and would not be an abuser otherwise, however, equally, the OP could be clinging to this and you are effectively collobarating with her in justifying his behaviours without knowing the whole story.
I don't know much about PTSD so can't comment on treatment success rates in relation to this, but I do know, that in general, men who commit violence against women are not 'cured' and will ALWAYS be abusers.
I work with vulnerable families, many of whom have fled abusive relationships, and the damage this has done to children is unreal. It is absolutely right that social work would be concerned.

Lots of abusers are good people. And there is nearly always a reason why they have ended up being abusive

Usually that reason is simply because they can because they are abusive people.

They also don't tend to spend over 12 years with someone and suddenly turn into abusive people, so either it's happened before or it was a result of a treatable mental health condition

I'd give it a few months to be honest to even think about this. Let everything calm down a little as incident was only in June. SS have to do the assessment though as it is about limiting risk. They also need to protect themselves in case anything went wrong after.

My thinking is, that if it was ptsd then a medical professional would have pick up on it and would be cleared in court due to mental health problems.

If he has a conviction despite mental health problems then he either needs an appeal or its op minimising the DV

It's quite common actually sock.
I mean how many times do you see it on here 'he hit me but don't tell me to ltb because he's never done this before' and physical violence tends to follow on from many other subtle non physical behaviours

I suspect the situation is very complex, I work in mental health and there are huge numbers of ex-forces that really struggle with life on the outside especially whose who went in young. Also many have experienced an emotionally neglectful childhood and have pre existing psychological problems. Throw PTSD into the mix and things often explode. I am not sure I 'buy' that the dv solely related to PTSD as it was (as far as we know) targeted only against the OP which suggests some control. I would wait longer before moving him back.

Domestic violence falls under the child abuse umbrella as your partner has a conviction for this it is social services duty to check things out and make sure your dd is safe and the help your dp is getting has helped. They aren't trying to stop you being together or stop your family being whole, they are trying to make sure as you go forward it's the right thing for everyone. The best thing is to work with them if the MH support is working brilliant if not they may be the impartial advice you need to help protect your DD which you have already said is a priority

I agree that this is unlikely to be due just to PTSD, and suspect that is how SS will see it too. When someone can control themselves enough not to be violent to some people such as his DD, but is violent towards his DP, then there are other factors.

There's room for both the daughters need and her fathers needs as well. If doesn't have to become a forced choice, especially at this early stage.

But sadly, due to terrible tragedies where the mother chose the husband over the child, SS and everyone else will always need to know without doubt that you'll make the right choice and put your child before everything else.

Clearly you have to show that if it comes to it, your dd will be your priority, and you need to say it loud enough and long enough so there's is no doubt.

However, that doesn't mean you have to cut off your dp. There is treatment available and he needs help. And he needs to get involved in helping himself asap, before there can be any accurate evaluations of his future.

You've already done the right thing to have him move out of the family home. You need to keep dd safe and out of any situation that puts her emotional and physical health at risk.

I think you need to make it clear you're happy to work with ss to keep dd safe whilst DH gets help and to be open and realistic about his progress. And then walk the walk too.

What makes SS very nervous, and potentially swing into action in these situations, is when the family refuse to work with SS.

SS wants the 'innocent' parent to be the protector of the child. But if there's even a hint that the parent won't or can't fulfil that role, SS step in as the protector, and then you join the other parent as a threat to the child.

SS can be helpful and supportive of the family, but only if they have reasons to be.

OP what help are you getting? It's early days for you as a person, separate from any family issues.This was traumatic for you, have you had a safe space to talk about this with anyone? Not necessarily your social worker if you feel so much distress about ss at the moment. The focus has all been on DH and DD, for good reasons and for different reasons, but I hope you have support as I get the feeling you've held it all together for some time.

OP I would see the SW assessment as something extremely positive for you and your child. Surely you would want an objective person outside of your situation to help and support you and your daughter? And if that means ensuring that there is a baseline of safety for your daughter then that is in your interests. Don't be frightened of this. What is the hurry to get back in a relationship? If it is, like you say, 'fixed', then you would want to be very, very, very sure wouldn't you? Even if it mean waiting until your child had grown up and left home. He could still be a Dad to her with SW help in some form?

I work with veterans who have PTSD, and also know of outreach support you could access OP.

Have you spoken to The Royal British Legion? They have outreach teams you can request.

Has you husband made a war pension or AFCS claim for his PTSD?

PTSD comes on many forms, it also generally is not a stand alone issue, PTSD and personality disorder are not an uncommon mix, people can literally change overnight once it's triggered, especially with delayed onset PTSD.

Let SS service do their assessment, then work on any feedback. It's hard I know but small steps.

I'll say the same thing here as I said to an ex partner (forces).

Background: obviously was suffering with ptsd the last time he came back, completely different person, he hit me.

He said it was the ptsd.

I pointed out that he was still capable of NOT hitting his children. Or his friends. Or police officers in the street.

But somehow it was ok to get angry and hit me in private?

Those aren't the actions of someone who is violent because they can't help themselves because they are so ill.

I might be nitpicking here, and also I have no personal experience of DV or PTSD so willing to be corrected by those who know better, but I find your phrasing slightly odd.
"There was also DV"
"The incident happened in June"
not "He committed DV" or "He assaulted me in June"
as if it was nothing to do with him. It's the same way you would say, "A tree outside our house got struck by lightning in June" as if it was just some unfortunate act of god that luckily didn't affect anyone.

As far as risk assessment is concerned-
hazard= the bad thing
risk = chance of the bad thing happening
I know you think the risk is low, but given that the hazard in this case is potentially so big (bad scenario- DD witnessing you getting a battering; worst worst case scenario- murder/manslaughter of you and DD), SS have to be as sure as they can be that the risk is really, really, really low. They will let you take your own risks as long as you are of sound mind, but they will not let you take a significant risk on behalf of DD and your assessment of the risk is only part of their overall risk assessment IYSWIM.

Beloved Spouse's father came back from a war a very different person. The PTSD meant that even after many years when he was able to control his emotions and and actions while he was awake, he was unable to while he was sleeping. (And I mean 10 years later). My MIL often woke up to him screaming and crying in his sleep, with his hands round MIL"s throat strangling her. PTSD is not a quick fix. It's far, far better to take things slowly and allow your DH to heal. He needs lots and lots of time to do so, and your daughter needs a safe environment to grow up in.

It's quite common actually sock
I mean how many times do you see it on here 'he hit me but don't tell me to ltb because he's never done this before' and physical violence tends to follow on from many other subtle non physical behaviours

Not usually when it's been 12 years where none of the usual triggers have recently occured. At least that's in my experance (over 20 years of running a domestic abuse service provision including perpetrator programs)

I wouldn't be surprised if a trigger had recently occured nor would I be surprised if it had been under say 5 years.

But 12 years with no trigger and no other talk of other types of abuse or other indicators, that suggests to me that if correctly managed there is a much much lower likelyhood of reoffending combined with the higher likelyhood of genuine horror when the person is in their usual frame of mind and a higher commitment to not being a perpetrator in the future if engaging with crisis services

OP, I think your feelings that your dh is not to blame are getting in the way of understanding how SW think- which is simply about ensuring your dd's safety (not just physical and emotional).

Imagine that instead of PTSD your dh had come home with ebola. You would not blame him for it- but you would want a thorough assessment before you let him anywhere near your dd, just to make sure he did not pose a risk. You wouldn't let any other considerations, any thoughts about how much you loved him or how much your dd wanted him or how he didn't deserve this to get in the way of making sure that she was not exposed to any risk of contagion. You would not put her at risk because he was lonely, or because you worried that your relationship would suffer, or because you wanted to be there for him. And even if you felt absolutely sure in your own mind that he was past the illness, you would still understand why the health authorities might want to make their separate assessment.

The truth is that your dh has come home with a disorder which is a potential risk to your dd, not just physically but emotionally. He needs proper evaluation, over a period of time, and all other considerations must give way to that.

That is a really good analogy cory

OP, I have worked in mental health for many years. I have a lot of experience relating to DV, PTSD and child protection issues.

The law has changed so that if a child is living in a home where there is domestic violence they are now considered victims of "emotional abuse". The reason for this is that there is now an overwhelming amount of evidence that living in domestically abusive environments has a significant impact on a child/adolescent's health, development and outcomes for the future. They can therefore be made subject to a Child Protection plan under the category of emotional abuse. The SW will be assessing to determine whether this is necessary.

If your DD is thought to be at risk of significant harm (not necessarily physical) as a result of your DH's behaviour (even if this behaviour is a direct result of MH issues) then SS have to act on this. This may mean monitoring via a CP plan or in some cases it can mean your DH being asked to leave the family home. I have, unfortunately, been involved with many cases where the parents ignore this and resume their relationship anyway. This can, in some circumstances, lead to the removal of the child. However, it is a myth (and one I have seen peddled on MN from time to time) that SS turn up in the middle of the night and snatch your children with no warning/explanation. There are complex processes and procedures that have to be carried out and SS have to demonstrate that parents were given support and opportunities to turn things around. Removal is a last resort.

As for your husband's mental health, whilst it is true that PTSD can be a highly debilitating illness, it is worth noting that the majority of people with PTSD are not violent. Your DH assaulting you was therefore not a symptom of his condition, although I accept it may well have been a contributing factor. As others have said, if he managed not to assault his child, his friends, colleagues, strangers in the street etc. then there was an element of control and choice present. The fact that a conviction was secured against him also means that he was deemed to be medically responsible for his actions at the time of the assault.

It's good that you feel your DH's current treatment is working well and that he has committed to engaging in counseling. But it is very early days and it would be a mistake to convince yourself that his PTSD 'made him do it'. This point of view is also likely to cause concern to SS as the minimisation of DV is associated with increased risks to the child.

Yes I agree power

You sound very distanced from the fact that he physically assaulted you. Obviously quite seriously.
SS are taking it very seriously which is a great thing. They are protecting your DD. Listen to what they say.