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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help. SS wants to assess my husband

114 replies

user1474401567 · 20/09/2016 21:10

Hi everyone hoping I could get some advice. My husband has to be assessed by the sw. He suffers from PTSD and have struggled since leaving the forces. There has also been dv as well which he got convicted for. I watched the man who was so great spiral out of control and I feel he has been let down by mental health services. He is a great dad to our daughter and has never done anything to harm her. Since the incident he has been given proper meds for his condition and seen by mh services. I want to resume my relationship with him but the sw said that she wants to see him and may need to assess him. Will they stop us being together? Or take our daughter away from us? Or will they offer help?

OP posts:

Starlight234 · 20/09/2016 21:43

I think what previous poster said..Why are SS already involved?

I am assuming the incident in June was not the beginning as it doesn't go from nothing to violence so severe gets a conviction.

I am in an abusive relationship. I put a lot of it down to his MH..I did eventually learn this was a way of excusing his behaviour.

The little bits are damaging to kids never mind the big stuff.

Costacoffeeplease · 20/09/2016 21:43

What sentence did he get in August? That's only a few weeks ago

IzzyIsBusy · 20/09/2016 21:43

Combat stress is a forces focused PTSD support charity. I would highly recomend contacting them as they can provide and intensive 13 week course of tberapy tailored to forces related PTSD.

Ditsyprint40 · 20/09/2016 21:44

Please trust their judgement and accept their support. If they see you minimising what has happened or not engaging, they will take a dim view. Hope it works out for you OP.

IzzyIsBusy · 20/09/2016 21:44

FFS Pen who posts a link lkme that on a thread like this!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/09/2016 21:46

If you are determined to keep excusing his actions, then social services may feel that you aren't safeguarding your daughter.

And YY to PP - it's not good to let your DD think that if someone raises their hand to her, it's acceptable to take them back a few weeks later.

Original poster

user1474401567 · 20/09/2016 21:47

I'm not trying to put him first. I am sorry if that's how it's coming across. I just want my family whole again. I have been saying the things he's done since to give a picture of the steps hes taken since the incident in June. I don't want to make excuses or pretend it was right what he did. But I am saying g that he isn't a bad father and surely getting help for he's condition is a step in the right direction. He's also on a dv course which he signed up for. I love my daughter with my whole heart and not trying to male excuses foe my husband's actions.

OP posts:

ayeokthen · 20/09/2016 21:49

DBIL suffers from PTSD due to being in the army, it's an utterly horrendous condition which is not widely publicised. I agree about contacting SSAFA and combat stress organisations, also see about residential treatments for coping strategies, and working through his trauma. I understand where you're coming from, I do, but I honestly think that in order for him to be able to come home, steps need to be taken to get his condition under control, to ensure there will never be another episode like the previous ones, and to allow you all to live as a family. Combat stress related DV is just as damaging to a child as non-related, however, the difference is your DH CAN make things better, he is not an abuser he is seriously ill. I wish you all the very best, it breaks my heart to hear of another veteran broken by the hell they endured.

IzzyIsBusy · 20/09/2016 21:49

OP please check your inbox

CurbsideProphet · 20/09/2016 21:50

Has your H had support for his PTSD from Combat Stress/ SSAFA/Royal British Legion?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 20/09/2016 21:50

Why does he want to come home so soon?

If I had been violent enough to have a conviction for it, I'd stay away from my loved ones for quite a long time until I was absolutely sure I was no danger to them. Why's he not doing that?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/09/2016 21:51

So your family isn't 'whole' without your previously violent husband? I get that there are reasons for the DV but don't you see that's a terrible message to give your DD?

And I'm sorry but a 'good father' isn't violent to his DD's mother.

How will you know if his PTSD is under control? What if he snaps again?

ayeokthen · 20/09/2016 21:51

RunRabbit, he's desperately ill. PTSD affects every aspect of your life, thought processes, literally ravages everything.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/09/2016 21:52

And I do have sympathy for his PTSD but he can still be involved with you and his DD without moving back in - if the incident was only 3 months ago, that's a little soon.

Arfarfanarf · 20/09/2016 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/09/2016 21:54

If he wants to do what's best for his DD, why can't he delay moving back in? Surely social services involvement is going to be difficult for her too?

magoria · 20/09/2016 21:55

Your H has a DV conviction a month ago from attacking you only 3 months ago.

If SS let him walk back in with outany assessment and you or your DD were harmed then everyone would be baying for their blood for not doing their jobs and protecting your DD.

This is all they are trying to do. Let them do their job. If after talking to who they need to they deem he is not safe to be around your DD they will not be making that decision lightly.

Gazelda · 20/09/2016 21:56

Others have given very good advice. All I will add is that I think you should take this very slowly. Don't rush, make sure you seriously consider every decision and get all the help and support that is available. Demonstrate to SS that you're taking this very seriously and that you and your DP won't do anything to put your DD at risk physically or emotionally.

IzzyIsBusy · 20/09/2016 21:56

Sorry but some of you have zero understanding of forces related PTSD. It destroys people and their families. He absutly should not have been violent however unless you have experience of how PTSD affects people you cannot pass judgement. This man had no previous history of DV and he was not long term abusive.
He is very ill but with the right support and treatment he can be the person he once was.

I am sorry OP you will get many negative posts and in away they are correct as violence in relationships should not be condone however i understand the complexity of your situation.

FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 20/09/2016 21:58

Sorry but some of you have zero understanding of forces related PTSD

We don't need to, the advice is all still good. The reason for the DV doesn't matter nearly as much as what happens now, which is what OP needs to be focusing on.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/09/2016 21:59

I think most people understand on some level how horrific PTSD is. But his actions still have the potential to mess up a 12 yo girl. It's possible to see more than one side! Why not wait until he has had more treatment? What is the rush?

Starlight234 · 20/09/2016 22:03

To be fair Izzy ...There is an awful lot we don't know about this case.

One incident that went to conviction.

It also really was not a long time ago either.

Off course this man needs help and he should get that..It isn't the same as moving him back into family house.

My Ex strangled me with my DS in my arms. No previous conviction. All I got was a letter from SS saying any further incidents they would get involved as it was damaging to my child. so yes may well be far more to this story than we understand.

MephistoMarley · 20/09/2016 22:04

It's far too soon to think about reconciling or him moving back in. He assaulted you 3 months ago and was convicted last month.
There are DV perpetrators programmes. He could do one of those alongside ptsd treatment and that could be part of the assessment. Perpetrators programmes are long - in my locality they are 26 weeks and no progress reports until halfway through so that's 3 months minimum from starting before anyone can have an idea how he is engaging.
If you want him back in the home he is going to have to work bloody hard on himself and not put a foot wrong for a long time. 3 months after the assault is nothing

couldntlovethebearmore · 20/09/2016 22:04

I don't have a great understanding of ptsd but have a very vast understanding of the harmful effects of growing up around DV.
This can include conduct disorders, attachment disorders, self harm, promiscuity, risk taking behaviour, a whole spectrum of mental health problems, alcoholism etc etc etc.
When you have a child your duty is to safeguard THEM not your grown up love interest. I have seen far too many cases where parents have put a violent adult first and the consequences this has

MephistoMarley · 20/09/2016 22:06

Izzy - it's not about being unsympathetic to his mental health conditions, it's about what he needs to do before he can be safe to return to his child.
PTSD treatment and DV programme at a minimum. That's not being judgemental, it's being practical.

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