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Original poster

Help. SS wants to assess my husband

114 replies

user1474401567 · 20/09/2016 21:10

Hi everyone hoping I could get some advice. My husband has to be assessed by the sw. He suffers from PTSD and have struggled since leaving the forces. There has also been dv as well which he got convicted for. I watched the man who was so great spiral out of control and I feel he has been let down by mental health services. He is a great dad to our daughter and has never done anything to harm her. Since the incident he has been given proper meds for his condition and seen by mh services. I want to resume my relationship with him but the sw said that she wants to see him and may need to assess him. Will they stop us being together? Or take our daughter away from us? Or will they offer help?

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/09/2016 22:06

And the DD's MH should take priority. When he has had more than a few weeks of treatment, then perhaps they could rethink.

Nobody is saying he is evil but his actions have a long term impact on the rest of the family.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/09/2016 22:08

Although, reading the tone of the OP's posts, it sounds like she will do everything she can to have her family back together. By definition, that isn't putting her DD first.

IzzyIsBusy · 20/09/2016 22:09

Maybe ask for the thread to be deleted OP.

Your DH can self refer to combat stress and they can triage him pretty quick. Part of the programne is a 2 week residential away from home. They provide councillors, therapists and once home weekly meetings with a local combat stress therapists.

The warrior programme is also worth contacting.

couldntlovethebearmore · 20/09/2016 22:11

I have depression. At times depression can severely impact on a persons ability to adequately parent. If this were to prevent me doing so I would expect ss to ensure my child doesn't come to harm. It's nothing to do with vilifying anybody

couldntlovethebearmore · 20/09/2016 22:12

And why should the thread be deleted?

OP asked for a clearer understanding- she can't say she hadn't had that

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/09/2016 22:13

Nobody has vilified the husband. But it's possible for him to get help without moving back into the house.

The negative replies are from people who are concerned for the DD.

MephistoMarley · 20/09/2016 22:14

Why should she ask for the thread to be deleted Confused
Why would you advise the op to delete a thread that is offering constructive support and information? Unless you are colluding with her minimisation of the effects of DV on a child?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/09/2016 22:15

And to have the thread deleted looks like 'well that didn't go my way so I'll get it deleted'.

PTSD or not, the DH does not deserve to come first over his daughter. Sad

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/09/2016 22:16

Or do you think it will have less impact on his DD as it's PTSD related!

EveOnline2016 · 20/09/2016 22:16

No excuses for DV, if he wouldn't or didn't physically harm his daughter or any other person during his worse time of PTSD then why just you.

youarenotkiddingme · 20/09/2016 22:17

An assessment is just that - an assessment. They have a duty of care towards yr DD. But that doesn't mean they'll find it in her best interests for him to remain out of the family home. The children's act means they will support you all to do the best for everyone involved.

Be open and honest but don't say he's changed end of. It's best to word it that before the ptsd there was never violence, that you understand the impact it's had on DD and want to work with ss to secure the best outcome.

ayeokthen · 20/09/2016 22:18

He can't move back in yet, not until he's had treatment. But he is NOT an abuser, he is different. He needs help, he needs to live away from his family at the moment for their safety, but to expect OP to just act like that's nothing when it's a huge deal, is wrong. I'm the first to shout LTB when an abuser is an abuser, but it's not the same in this case. OP needs support, not to be told she's not thinking of her child, or is selfish. The man she knew went away and hasn't come home, unless you know someone with forces related PTSD, believe me, you haven't a fucking clue. OP, contact all the organisations above, see if they can liase with SS, speak to SS and explain what you're doing, that you need help for DH and are prepared to jump through every hoop required. It will take time, maybe months, but with the right support and help you WILL get your family back together.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/09/2016 22:23

So does the PTSD override the DD's potential physical or mental safety?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/09/2016 22:23

Nobody is saying he's a bad person but he's not the only one to consider in the situation

MontePulciana · 20/09/2016 22:26

My exH had ptsd and was also violent. I divorced him 8 years ago. I am still completely ruined by the experience. He was in the forces anf served in Iraq and Afghan. I hate how he has left me - I'm incredibly defensive and don't really socialise any more. I've not an inch of sympathy for him. Stop defending him. Think of your daughter and her future.

ayeokthen · 20/09/2016 22:26

No, it doesn't, where have I said that? I have repeatedly said that he cannot live with his family at the moment for their own safety, and that he desperately needs treatment. Of course the needs of the wee girl come first, which is why he needs to go and get help. The difference between him and abusers is that with treatment he won't be violent, he will be able to live a normal life, be a normal husband and father and be able to live with his family again. OP is going through enough without being condemned by people who have no idea of the situation.

ghostyslovesheep · 20/09/2016 22:28

OP they need to make sure your daughter is safe and that you are not putting your needs first and putting her at risk

There is something called the 'toxic trio' which you could read up on - repeated investigations into child deaths have identified 3 factors which together with other factors indicate a risk - they are Domestic abuse, mental health issues and use of drugs or alcohol

a social worker would be remiss to ignore the issues when they have been linked to so many serious case reviews - you want your family back together and that is understandable BUT it has ONLY been 3 months - and it was serious enough to have the police and SS involved - I think you need more time before you decide he's well

and I have had PTSD so I am not talking out of my ass to the poster who said people had no idea

RonaldMcDonald · 20/09/2016 22:30

I am so sorry that you and your daughter have gone through this.

I am also so sorry that your partner is suffering from the effects of trauma. Chase and chase and chase for the support services there for service personnel.

Has your p actually been diagnosed with PTSD? If so that usually snowballs into other help. If it hasn't push for it
Go to your MP if needs be.

My advice is that thinking meds are working isn't enough when you consider the damage another incident could cause. You will never be 100% sure but he can do a lot of work to understand his condition and how he has started to use anger inappropriately. With time and work you accurately will be able to feel safe with him again and he around you.

The other thing I would say is that meds work best when used alongside therapy and support groups etc. Meds alone are no where near enough.

Speaking from my experience - after a DV incident where there is police and then sw involvement - there is a high likelihood that he would be required to attend a number session of counselling or personal development courses to address how he came to use his anger in such a destructive manner.

Whilst he physically hasn't harmed your d he certainly has caused a great deal of emotional upheaval and, in honesty, harm. Her crying to have him returned to the home does not diminish the harm caused. ( very often even children who are horribly abused want their parents, I am not saying this is the case here but to try to show a child's PoV even when in harm's way )

Stop trying to put the relationship back together quickly - before it is fixed.
Let him get the help he needs. Take care of each other as a family. Rebuild trust. Rebuild everyone's confidence.
If you take the time and he gets help you can fix this for a happy healthy safe life together

Take care

ayeokthen · 20/09/2016 22:30

ghostyslovesheep, I was referring to people who don't have any idea what they're talking about, clearly that's not you. No need to get defensive.

ghostyslovesheep · 20/09/2016 22:31

I'm not defensive

FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 20/09/2016 22:32

The difference between him and abusers is that with treatment he won't be violent, he will be able to live a normal life, be a normal husband and father and be able to live with his family again

You hop, but you don't know. You're making massive assumptions there.

You're putting him into a different category from abusers because he has ptsd, but he is a convicted abuser. Both can be true.

FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 20/09/2016 22:32

*hope

couldntlovethebearmore · 20/09/2016 22:32

Lots of abusers are good people. And there is nearly always a reason why they have ended up being abusive. But the safety of the child comes first. Not parents need for a relationship.

And it sounds like there's only one person getting irate and defensive on here

ayeokthen · 20/09/2016 22:34

I'm hiding this thread now because it's pissing me off. OP, I wish you, your daughter and your husband the very best, I hope that you all get the support you need and when the time is right you can live together again. Until then, SSAFA can support you and your daughter with counselling too, and any help you might need financially/practically too. There is light at the end of the tunnel, you'll get there.

JellyBelli · 20/09/2016 22:35

Its a standard risk assessment. Its unlikely they would ban contact as he ahsnt been violent towards his DD.
Everyone in a similar postition to his has to have one.
To be fair, you wouldnt want the system to be run any differently, would you? Its otentially an issue of child safety, how are they supposed to know until they have assessed your case?