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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to say DH must organise childcare?

45 replies

BiddyPop · 20/09/2016 07:49

DH travels a lot.

2 weeks ago, I emailed him a day that I need him to do the evening as I have an important event and now followed by an important retirement event.

Last night he told me that his travel plans have changed and he doesn't leave at 4am the following day but the morning of my events. So I will be up from 4am to make a heavy presentation at 5pm and I must now organise childcare, and probably skip the retirement.

aibu to make him organise someone to feed DD and do homework and get her to bed?

OP posts:

Inertia · 20/09/2016 07:52

It's his responsibility to organise childcare.

I don't understand why you have to get up at 4am though?

CMOTDibbler · 20/09/2016 07:57

YANBU. We both travel for work, and if person2 needs to not be available for childcare when person1 has booked it out, then person2 has to source, organise and pay for childcare beyond our normal (which isn't easy at all)

Original poster

BiddyPop · 20/09/2016 08:03

He gets up for his flight at 4am and I usually wake with the noise and rarely get back to sleep.

OP posts:

MrsHulk · 20/09/2016 08:05

I've read advice on here before that you need a shared family calendar, and whatever is in there is considered binding.

So your event goes in the calendar, he's responsible for childcare.

If he then wants to do something else which clashes, he's still responsible for childcare so needs to sort it out.

gamerchick · 20/09/2016 08:08

Well that's how we do it. Whoevers plans change needs to organise childcare. So yes it's up to him.

Original poster

BiddyPop · 20/09/2016 08:09

He's now pissed off at home as I resent the email I had originally sent (apparently I hadn't told him- it also went in the diary in the kitchen a few weeks before that) and asked him to organise the childcare- but he doesn't have any numbers to do it.

I am so pissed off today as he ruined my enjoyment of a solo family event on Sunday that I did organise the childcare for - last time this group met was 5 years ago and we spent longer chatting than I expected but got 3 phone calls about coming home.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 20/09/2016 08:11

So you're going to suck it up and change your plans?

PacificOcean · 20/09/2016 08:12

YANBU. Stand your ground OP.

Original poster

BiddyPop · 20/09/2016 08:12

I cannot tell a parliamentary committee that I cannot attend!

OP posts:

CoolCarrie · 20/09/2016 08:23

oh that is a cracker OP! 😉 Get childcare and don't let me away with it next time! Can we hope your PC can deal with that BHS bastard?

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 20/09/2016 08:24

I agree it's up to him to arrange childcare. Also he should stay at a hotel near the airport (or whatever it is) rather than wake you at 4 a.m.

CoolCarrie · 20/09/2016 08:25

I have a dh like that so know how you feel! If you want a job done well, do it yourself! Get childcare and don't let him away with it next time!

RhiWrites · 20/09/2016 08:26

Ask him if he considers the children a joint responsibility ir just yours. And if he says joint then ask why he leaves it all to you to do.

shovetheholly · 20/09/2016 08:29

Stand your ground. This is a vital step in your relationship. He needs to take his half of the parental responsibility, particularly as the situation was clearly explained to him. Once he does it the first time, all subsequent times should be easier.

Good luck at the committee!

DoinItFine · 20/09/2016 08:36

He rang you 3 times to come home while you were at a social event with people you rarely see?

WTF is wrong with him?

honeylulu · 20/09/2016 08:37

It's all very well telling her to stand her ground but if he's as selfish as he sounds he will probably just fuck off to catch his plane and leave her with the problem anyway. By all means give him the phone numbers he should try and tell him to sort it or it will be tough luck next time he's in the lurch as you won't do the same for him. (But as back up i would discreetly contact the babysitters to give them the heads up that he should be contacting them. You'll have a better chance of securing a sitter that way. )

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 20/09/2016 08:37

Give him the numbers for childcare so he can organise it, and tell him he's paying for it.

Anniegetyourgun · 20/09/2016 08:39

he ruined my enjoyment of a solo family event on Sunday that I did organise the childcare for - last time this group met was 5 years ago and we spent longer chatting than I expected but got 3 phone calls about coming home

Hmm, sounds like there are a few issues going on here... Does this man by any chance think that you should be home 24/7 with kids and keeping a hot meal waiting for him (presumably whilst still bringing in a full time salary from thin air)? Is he stuck somewhere in the 1950s? Or is he just one of those "I don't know how to do it so you'll have to do it for me" types?

honeylulu · 20/09/2016 08:43

Phoning you when you're out at a social event is really blood-boilingly annoying. My husband does this (I NEVER do it too him) and it makes me furious. I do occasionally get terribly drunk though so part of it is him worrying (it is rare, honestly!) but him trying to give me a curfew makes me feel very teenage-rebel, that I want to stay later and have another drink just to make a point .

diddl · 20/09/2016 08:44

I would organise the childcare if I worked less hours or it was easier for me to do so for some other reason.

Sadly, also if he can't be trusted to do it, what then?

Goingtobeawesome · 20/09/2016 08:50

He sleeps elsewhere the might before so he doesn't wake you.

You put his number in do not disturb while you are out with friends.

He sorts the baby sitting and he needs a kick up the arse.

icy121 · 20/09/2016 08:51

i'd pick my battles. Who normally phones for childcare/cover? Who has the relationship with the childcare provider? If it's 99% you then I'd just do it, as arguing about it and causing dischord is a waste of energy. If you're "making him" do it as a punishment that's pretty pass agg and unnecessary in my view. I'm assuming it's not his choice when the flights/travel is and he's not changing them around just to put you out.

If you arrange it 50/50 then no, it's not unreasonable.

MammouthTask · 20/09/2016 08:53

So he KNEW this wasn't an event yoou could reorganise.
And he KNEW that changing his plans would create mayhem.

But somehow he thought that this was OK and you would just suck it up and organise whatever childcare was needed (Maybe because that's what yoou've done in the past? I can't imagine this is the first instance).
And he is now sulking because he has to do something that is hard work (organising childcare like this is a pain), doesn't know where to start and more importantly doesn't see it as his responsibility.

You need a talk. A big talk about responsibilities and how, as you are BOTH working, you are BOTH responsible for organising childcare.
That his work deosn't priority over yours.
That you are entitled to some free time wo children just as much as he is.

You need to set up boundaries and stick to it.

Too be fair to him, it does look like you have moved the boundaries wo telling him (you organising any childcare needed whatever the circumstances/reasons) so I'm not surprised he is balking at the idea.
However, once things have been set up and clarified, then he has no grounds at all to grumble.
(Note: I don't mean that you are wrong to be angry at him. I would be too)

DoinItFine · 20/09/2016 08:57

I'm assuming it's not his choice when the flights/travel is

OMG is this a hostage situtation?

Or is it the usual "no choice" you only get to feel when you take zero responsibility for your own children.

RunningLulu · 20/09/2016 09:04

He should organise childcare, but if you know he won't then you should. Tbh if I had such an important work event & I knew my dh was unreliable I would have arranged childcare months in advance.

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