Aibu to say DH must organise childcare?

[BiddyPop]

DH travels a lot.

2 weeks ago, I emailed him a day that I need him to do the evening as I have an important event and now followed by an important retirement event.

Last night he told me that his travel plans have changed and he doesn't leave at 4am the following day but the morning of my events. So I will be up from 4am to make a heavy presentation at 5pm and I must now organise childcare, and probably skip the retirement.

aibu to make him organise someone to feed DD and do homework and get her to bed?

Who normally organises childcare?

It's fair enough to tell him to do it if he has the same contacts for it as you, if not, it's a bit crap.

I'm assuming the travel plan changes were necessary & he's not done it to be a pain in the arse? Though, after his behaviour on Sunday that's questionable I suppose!

WTAF was he doing ringing you on Sunday to come home? If you organised childcare where was he?

Is it possible that you stay in a hotel overnight? That way you don't get woken up at 4am and he's the one left with DD if he hasn't bothered to organise childcare.

It doesn't matter who normally organises childcare.

Either he can do it or he could do with the practice.

It's not hard, but it is time consuming.

The OP's time is just as valuable as his.

He can no longer look after his children because he arranged to travel when they were in his sole care.

That is up to him to sort.

A competent adult man woukd think nothing of it.

YANBU. Make him organise it.

And tell him he was a knob on Sunday.

My DH went away for the whole weekend, came back at 7pm on Sunday (bang on bedtime, so that went well). Thing is, he didn't tell me when he was coming back on Sunday. So I ate with the children at 5. At 7.30 he said "What are we having for dinner tonight?" I just said, "I've already eaten." and got on with what I was doing. I could feel him looking at me for a beat, and then he opened the fridge.

For 10 fucking years I have got irritated about lack of communication about his plans. All it does is raise my blood pressure. So now, I leave him to it. The kitchen diary is sacrosanct. Read it. If you don't read it, and you plan a meeting that conflicts with something that I have already planned, told you about, emailed you about and written in the calendar, not my problem. If you don't tell me when you're coming home, you don't get fed. Simples. He has dropped himself in it on a couple of occasions but not my problem and I no longer bail him out of it.

I still get "But why isn't it in my diary!!" to which my stock answer is "because clearly you didn't put it in". I used to say "Because I'm not your secretary" but that accepts the premise of his question so I stopped.

Tell him you've now got to go the day before (for preparation purposes) and stay in a hotel yourself. That way you're leaving home the day before he is so he'll have to sort childcare.

He doesn't travel the night before as "it costs too much to stay in a hotel" so airport hotel won't be an option.

I know there are factors at the moment blinding him to things (DFIL death 10 months ago, supporting DMIL from a distance, him putting work first before anything else...and seeming like being unable to actually deal with DD at times). He was decent on juggling up until he spent 2 consecutive weeks out of every 4 away, for 4 years. He's finished that particular thing almost 2 years but I have become the person who organizes and juggles and drops her plans if his clash, and I cannot continue to do it.

I managed while he travelled constantly. I manage now while he travels 2 days a week. I managed over the 5 weeks his DF was ill last year, and the following 2 months when his DM was in absolute tatters - including another family funeral 4 weeks later. I consoled and explained things to DD, and took the brunt of her anger at missing out on every single social activity all autumn, including every single Christmas gathering of her various clubs and activities while her DCousins went to all of theirs and practically gloated at her. I am the bad guy for her missing them - not DH. That's fine although wearing. He still travels home every 2 weeks for the weekend, where he works hard physically for his DM - and then falls in a heap at home. His back is crocked but he doesn't have time to see anyone about it (just get cranky at me).

But now I am the bottom of the pile. Who will organize everything and cancel her own plans no matter what.

We are both overtired, in a BIG way. And I am putting my foot down as I HAD booked ahead and he needs to remember his own rules. I also work FT and while he does pull his weight on housework when he's here, he forgets just how much organization there is to do (I am the household manager in that sense) and I also have the "stressful commute to rush to get to school before afterschool closes (or now DD has too long at home alone), deal with cranky DD, get homework done, get food sorted" time rather than "wake DD, get her dressed and fed, and out the door" when she's usually in good form and dying to get moving, and a far less stressful commute.

Sorry, rant over

Yes, Isitjustme has the only and correct solution.

He was down at DMIL's, and I had organized a babysitter to come until he got home. He got home earlier than expected, and took DD out to do something that he wasn't really up for (he doesn't know how to do this particular thing, DD is very good at it, I can do it but less competent - and I wouldn't have let her off so far without adequate rescue options so when she gave herself a fright as conditions changed, he was unable to deal with it - and it was pouring rain too).

I thought I'd be home around 4/5pm, he rang at 7 and again a while later - at 7 we were only just having coffee as it was a leisurely affair, more leisurely than I expected, I was enjoying it, and I didn't NEED to be at home.

I've just emailed him, telling him how I feel, telling him that I have a work trip coming up myself for his diary, and giving him all the contact numbers for childcare.

He's organised care as much as me in the past, it's just the past 2 years or so that it has all fallen on my shoulders and he seems to have forgotten that he can do this.

There will probably be the unholy mother of a row tonight.

Fuck it.

Yup isit has the right idea.

On a side note, I NEVER really go out anywhere myself, but one time I went shopping for the day and dh phoned me several times. I was fuming, he's always running late at work or away helping others. So he kept calling as I got more and more irate, so I decided to set my phone to the automated text reply "sorry, I'm busy". Very immature, but it did make me chuckle

I think this is a row you need to have.

How old is your DD? I know this is particularly unhelpful to say right now BUT would it be a thought to get an aupair - sounds like you are both mega busy and stressed and your dd feels like shes missing out. That way might make it easier for you?

(I know missing the point here entirely!)

Biddy I feel for youi as DH has been the same.
When he was travelling a lot, his sense of what needed to be done, how much effort it took etc... just went 'underdevelopped' and he 'forgot' how much this all is because he was just never there to be involved.
And tbh, it was also the easy option for him to keep this like this when he stopped travelling so much.

I agree to some extend about leaving the day before and letting him deal with the situation. That's doing something similar that opened DH eyes again. And allowed us to have a more balanced system in place.

But I also agree that you both sounds overexhausted and burnt out by it all. I think some things will have to give (and it might mean fewer trips to his mum, looking after himself re his back, getting help, whatever it might be, an aupair, a cleaner etc...). I think the only way you can solve the problem is to look at the overall picture, not just a solution for this trip in particular. Otherwise, it will be like like putting a plaster over it but doing nothing about the infection iyswim.

Re the coming late.
If I'm honest, this is the sort of things I hate. If you are late, let the other person know by how much so you can get organised yourself.
However, grumbling because you are then having to look after your own child wouldn't be on, especially as he spends so little time with her anyway.

Tanith and Isit have the right idea - you need to stay away the night before, so that he has the responsibility of arranging childcare and you are prepared for your presentation.

There will be a row - and it is a row you need to have but it's also a conversation to have after you've both calmed down.

Everything falls to me, absolutely everything. And then when I complain, I get told "I'll quit then shall I? I'll quit and take a lower paying job where I can work fewer hours." The hilarious thing is, I knew him when he was in a lower paying job and he DIDN'T work fewer hours. He's crap at time management, and always will be.

But there are ways of making your life better and there are aspects where he HAS to take responsibility for things. I've said more than once, I have two children, not three.

Thanks for all the comments. (I've been in a meeting all morning since my last post).

DD is now 10.5, and we had au pairs for 4 years while DH travelled constantly. It was ok, but hard work on me, and I never had the freedom of my own house. As it happened, the last one left shortly before DH finished on that big contract, and he was not keen on another one when his travels reduced and he was home more. But we also need our spare room for travelling family members as we live in a different city.

We went back to having cleaners in (once a fortnight but they do a good job then and it's plenty) just recently. We used to have them before the au pairs, and then the au pairs had some cleaning duties as there were very few hours minding DD (and we still rarely reached the full hours on a weekly basis that their pocket money covered, and I almost never asked for the babysitting they were supposed to do). I have organized myself with a local teenager babysitter and we have great neighbours for that too.

I think there is an element of burn out on both our parts. I know he has forgotten the realities of family life in the chaos that his and ours have become in the past couple of years. His DM does a great line in "Irish Mammy" guilt.

I sent him an email this morning though, and actually explained how it felt as well as what I had expected (and reminded him again that yes I had actually told him, and emailed proof - I was told last night that it wasn't in his diary and I hadn't already told him about next week in particular). And told him about a forthcoming trip I have that I cannot change the dates (he can usually set up certain meetings to suit himself - others are set for him, but there is some flexibility). I didn't remind him that I had given him a "pass" this weekend when HE got the date of a dinner wrong so he has to stay Friday night as well and get home Saturday afternoon on his weekend "at home" (and I had already decided not to go to a work function myself that night because he would be late home). I know he will be at DMILs the following weekend regardless.

It seems to have flicked a switch. Childcare for next week is arranged. He has ordered me a replacement item that he "borrowed" mine 9 weeks ago and promised to replace it when I did notice it gone (7 weeks ago!). And he was pleasant on the phone when I rang him just now. So maybe he just needed reminding of the entire picture not just little snippets in the snatches of his time I was getting for discussions and decisions.

So maybe he just needed reminding of the entire picture not just little snippets in the snatches of his time I was getting for discussions and decisions.

I need to print that out and laminate it. I grab the five seconds when I can (and usually when I'm getting crosser and crosser) and then we end up with a row as neither of us is in the right space for the conversation.

When you threw in the "Irish Mammy" comment I unhelpfully felt sorry for him. I have one of them. And while DH's mother is English, culturally, she does it too.

I'm working very hard at breaking the cycle

Middlings, I feel sorry for him about DMIL. Hence letting things slide for many many many months before I lost the rag. Although, completely outing myself, I did recently say to him that when he is so tired that he crashes the car on the road back home from her house, I will kill her somewhat in jest but with a serious undertone that he deliberately ignored

*YANBU. Make him organise it.

And tell him he was a knob on Sunday.*

This...

I've just read your update OP - well done for reminding him of the big picture. We have a 'master' calendar in the kitchen too. Whoever puts dates on first takes priority... it works for us. My controlling late MIL used to go mad if my DH said he was unavailable because I was out working. Because of course I should've been at home looking after her DS and DG .... this will sound awful, but life is a lot easier now she isn't around.

We talked last night. Not rowed, talked.

He got it- there were a dozen roses on the table when I got home- more important was the message in the card, using words I hadn't but understanding what I was saying.

I kept going on a big household job that needs doing urgently and he is going to help with the big part at the weekend. And he told me exactly how he needs things done for his diary to avoid future clashes.

Thanks all for helping me to not blow my top and organise my thought to the root of the problem not just the symptoms.