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Original poster

Cannot stand one member of my group of friends

36 replies

TheEdgeIsNigh · 19/09/2016 09:58

God I feel like such a diva writing this, as I'm 36, but I don't know what to do.
There's one girl in my group of mum-mates(she was a late-comer to the group as her child is younger-she went to school with another member of the group). I've never really warmed to her and so far I've tolerated her but I'm fed up of how down right opinionated, jealous and 2-faced she is! She'll argue that white is black and vice versa and, as far as she's concerned she's ALWAYS right... quite frankly, I'm too old for all that!
She's upset someone today(her original friend)already with her strong(and wrong!) opinion.
So my question is, do I just suck it up and smile sweetly through gritted teeth or is there a polite, mature way I can eliminate this woman from my life without alienating myself and my kids from mine and their group of wonderful, kind and supportive friends...?

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 19/09/2016 10:02

If it's a group then the best thing for it is to just disengage. Don't take the bait. Let her get worked up on whatever new opinion she's espousing and let it wash over you.
Presumably you don't all meet up together, then take the lead and ask others out for coffee/lunch/whatever as you see best.

FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 19/09/2016 10:06

If the rest of the group is fine with her and its just you that has a problem with her, you can leave the group.
What you can't do is try and make the group drop her because you personally don't like her.
SO its up to you if you want to continue to see any of them.

Thefitfatty · 19/09/2016 10:07

How do the others in the group feel about her? If you all agree that you aren't fond of her, you could probably just slowly phase her out?? (or is that too mean girls).

WeAllHaveWings · 19/09/2016 10:15

Takes two to fuel an argument, and is her opinion wrong or just different?

BeyondASpecialSnowflake · 19/09/2016 10:16

We recently discovered that all of us in a group disliked one person and she got phased out. It might be "a bit mean girls", but you don't owe anyone your friendship.

LaContessaDiPlump · 19/09/2016 10:17

Do not directly engage. Do the awkward smile and change the subject; that way you're not actually arguing but making it pretty obvious that you don't agree. Others will notice.

LetsJunglyJumpToIt · 19/09/2016 10:20

Is it just you or do the others feel the same way?

BibbidiBobbidi · 19/09/2016 10:27

There's a woman in my friendship circle that I can't stand.
Long story but she rubbed me up the wrong way a few years ago. We're a group of friends and she's one of the blokes girlfriends so if we pushed her out we would also loose him whose been friends with us for years so we have to grin and bear it.

I just don't talk to her. Ever. I just pretend she's not there and she does the same to me and that works well for everybody.
Maybe you could do something like that?
You don't have to totally ignore her but slowly start to phase her out.
Me and this other girl have a sort of unwritten rule that we ignore each other. Try and start that perhaps?

TwoKidsAndCounting · 19/09/2016 10:29

Sorry OP but sounds like you have the problem. Not sure how you can HATE someone because the have a differing opinion. Also no opinion is wrong just merely different. I suggest you look at changing the way you think. Also just listen to what she has to say and how she behaves, sometimes we can subconsciously disguise jealousy as hatred. I'm not flaming you only suggesting a way to deal with your emotions

TwoKidsAndCounting · 19/09/2016 10:30

Sorry you didn't use hate but never the less, can't stand is quite a strong term

TwoKidsAndCounting · 19/09/2016 10:30

Sorry you didn't use hate but never the less, can't stand is quite a strong term

StarlingMurmuration · 19/09/2016 10:38

Sorry, but opinions can be wrong, that's bullshit. If your opinion is that humans breathe nitrogen, for instance, or that we drive on the right in the UK, your opinion is wrong.

Anyway... there's a girl I find extremely annoying in my NCT group. So I just avoid engaging as much as possibly, and occassionally rant about her to DP. I think that's the only way forward without looking like a bitch.

Original poster
TheEdgeIsNigh · 19/09/2016 10:40

I'm not sure how the others feel-I'm not the type to start digging like that. I know that she's fallen out with many people in her other circles of friends though. She's pretty well known for her strong opinions and it's sort of a running joke that that's 'just *kates nature'. Well I'm not keen!
ive really distanced myself from MY friends due to her being there. I'm supposed to be attending her daughters party next week but I really don't want to go! All my kids friends will be there but I'd feel like a hypocrite going when I can't stand her!

OP posts:
Iamthinking · 19/09/2016 10:41

I would say that if she is that bad, she will be her own worst enemy and burn herself out. So leave her to it. Don't get drawn in and start barnying with her.

Also, with time, your children will move on and widen their friendship groups/go do different secondaries/move away. The group is not fixed in stone forever, the dynamics with change, so again I would say hang in there and try and change your coping mechanisms for the short/medium term.

Finally, it is probably too late for this now, the ideal would be to raise the issue of her strong opinions in a somehow jokey way. Very difficult and has to be sensitively done and you may be too far down the line of annoyance anyway.

FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 19/09/2016 10:43

Not sure how you can HATE someone because the have a differing opinion. Also no opinion is wrong just merely different

What rot! It could be your opinion that the earth is flat, that women are inferior to men, that Xfactor is good tv. Those opinions are all wrong, not just different.

Of course you can hate people for their differing opinions, what else would you hate them for?

DoreenLethal · 19/09/2016 10:46

I suggest you look at changing the way you think. Also just listen to what she has to say and how she behaves, sometimes we can subconsciously disguise jealousy as hatred.

Yes OP you are jealous. Wink

What a bag of crap. Nobody should look at changing the way they think when faced with some gobshite! Just to appease them.

Call her out on it every time! 'In what context', 'How do you mean', 'I'm sorry did you just say X was Y?'

Thefitfatty · 19/09/2016 10:50

I'm supposed to be attending her daughters party next week but I really don't want to go! All my kids friends will be there but I'd feel like a hypocrite going when I can't stand her!

Don't go. Make up an excuse. No point in making yourself miserable.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 19/09/2016 10:50

I'm with Fluffy you can't go around respecting everyone's opinion just because they have the right to that opinion. You would look like a twat that had no personality of your own.

Queenbean · 19/09/2016 10:51

A girl in my group of friends is like this. She argues anything, always has to be right, never asks anything about you, is stingey and a massive pain in the arse.

I dislike her and a few others in the group feel the same (because she's had big fallings out with a few others). My view now is to just back away from her - ie, don't respond first to group invites and if it looks like it's going to be tea at hers and only one other can go, I won't bother. However if she can't go to something I'm there like a shot.

I'll never be rude to her but she's said some really offensive things to me in the past and I'm too old now to pretend to be besties with someone I don't actually like

Queenbean · 19/09/2016 10:53

Call her out on it every time! 'In what context', 'How do you mean', 'I'm sorry did you just say X was Y?'

I honestly don't think this works with these kind of people. They will just keep arguing back their way and before you know it you've fallen down a rabbit hole of an argument, you're not sure how you've ended up engaging in it and then realise that no one else has said a word for 15 minutes and is utterly bored by your ridiculous argument.

Best way is to absolutely ignore the stupid comments these people make

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 19/09/2016 10:55

Don't go to her DDs party. Get an attack of the political shits or a bad cold. If your DC were looking forward to going, take them somewhere better. Gradually phase out contact. While everyone carries on in the same way she will carry on being a gobshite. She won't change, everyone else will have to modify/reduce exposure to her knobbishness. Eventually she may cop on.

TheLastHeatwave · 19/09/2016 10:58

As she has upset your friend, her initial contact to the group, can't you talk to her? Ring her up, see how she is & mention that you find 'kate' extremely hard work. Hopefully she will agree & the invites to Kate can stop. It's not 'mean girls' you don't have to like or be friends with everyone. If people behave in an irritating, 'I'm always right', way then this will happen...

Of course it's fine to not be able to stand someone's opinions & their outlook on life or attitude!

Wildwillow · 19/09/2016 10:58

How annoying. I agree with other posters that you 'refuse to engage'.

Be pleasant when you can but unless you're gunning for an out and out confrontation it's best to just avoid being too involved with this person. I have learnt (late in life!) just to sit away from aggravating personalities and not let myself be drawn into potentially contentious conversations, including quite simply 'not hearing' or responding to things said that make my blood boil! Some people just thrive on bitchiness, nastiness, being superior snide or bossy, and love to get a reaction. Don't give them the satisfaction of letting them get to you!!

APlaceOnTheCouch · 19/09/2016 11:00

Limit the time you spend with her. You don't need to badmouth her to the others. You just need to take responsibility for your relationship with her. You're not a friend to her so there's an honesty in declining her invitations and disentangling yourself from the group events where her presence will irritate you.

Dozer · 19/09/2016 11:00

I wouldn't worry about your DC: are they still really small (you mention staying at the party): they may or may not remain friends with friends' DC.

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