To ask are any of you stay at home wives? (Not SAHMs)

[user1474217141]

This post is for the stay at home wives out there but of course any input is more than welcome.

Hi there mumsnetters,
I have posted a few times and you have all been so lovely, so I am seeking you out for some advice and hand holding I guess.

I am seriously considering quiting my job and not looking for another for a while.
I currently work in a stressful and high pressure environment and get paid beans for doing so. Its target based, non stop and you have to explain yourself if you take one too many pee breaks a day.
I cannot cope.

Nose bleeds, headaches, sickness almost every work day. I dropped my hours to part time and its made no difference. I get panic attacks, blurred vision, shakes and thats the tip of the iceburg.

I am early twenties but have had a lot of stress so I just dont deal with it like a "normal" person.

My background
Cancer twice, only baby was stillborn due to the cancer while pregnant, and I cannot have children.
Its been a lot to contend with and I struggle getting by day to day. I have been diagnosed with more mental health issues than I can count and I am on lots of meds.
I dont have any family, but I am lucky enough to have a wonderful partner who I have been with for 7 years.
At this point in time, my health isnt great to be honest.
The only reason I posted this background is so you get an idea of why I am not coping well with life

Now, if I quit my job we would be worse off. We could get by, but holidays would be a big struggle if im honest.
My "plan" would be to calm my shit for a few months (not doing much to be honest, keeping the home and making sure I am eating better while keeping stress down) then when I feel up to it, starting open uni and studying history, which I have always been passionate about. In regards to work, nothing is in that plan in the immediate future if im honest.

My concerns are money, of course. Money is always a concern. But also I want to feel useful while I am home. I want to feel like I am contributing to the world and my home, my relationship.

SO this is what I am asking I guess, How? What do you do? Hobbies? Cooking? Home improvments?
Why did you choose this life? Do you like it? Do you love it?
I just want an insight into what life might be like.

• This post wasnt made for slamming, bitching or welcoming a load of negativity.I totally understand that everyone has a different point of view but I am not asking if you agree or disagree with the lifestyle. I Just have a few questions as I am planning on making abig lifestyle change. *

Thank you to all who took the time to read this x

End of the day he thinks if this will make me happier, calmer and less fragile then it would be worth it. I just need to make sure I stay that way at home.

OP, I don't think this sounds great. His support still sounds somewhat reluctant and as if (if I'm reading you correctly) it's dependent on you being 'happier and calmer' at home - suppose you aren't? It's perfectly possible that after the initial relief of having left your horrible job, you will discover that being economically dependent and jobless isn't much fun, and will feel you are supposed to be 'buying' his financial support being being some kind of beaming domestic goddess when that's not what you feel like.

Of course you're not wrong to quit your job, but what is more alarming - and what I suspect your husband finds more alarming - is that you don't seem to have any plans to return to work in anything other than the most part-time basis, but to do a degree in something you're fairly clear you won't be able to work in. I appreciate you've had an appalling time, but talking about becoming a 'stay at home wife' and embarking on a degree in a field where you won't be able to work makes you sound as if you've given up on yourself professionally in your early twenties.

I dont want to be financially dependant, but thats for him, not for me. the way its going I wont have a choice soon either way. If the roles were reversed I would help him without question.

I don't think becoming financially dependent is 'for him' rather than for you, and whether you would help him if the roles were reversed is a red herring, to be honest. Becoming permanently financially dependent on someone who still sounds as if he has reservations about you being a SAHW would make you enormously vulnerable, and you sound so vulnerable anyway. And as if you have (understandably) unresolved issues about the loss of your child and your own near-death as regards the impact on your relationship. You may have been together since your teens, but your teens aren't very long ago, and no relationship, however currently close and happy, can be guaranteed to last eternally.

Yes, you clearly need to make plans to quit your current job, but explore other options, and the various allowances etc other posters have mentioned, as well as a re-entry strategy into a different kind of work. Good luck.

suppose you aren't? It's perfectly possible that after the initial relief of having left your horrible job, you will discover that being economically dependent and jobless isn't much fun, and will feel you are supposed to be 'buying' his financial support being being some kind of beaming domestic goddess when that's not what you feel like.

Totally agree with this. My husband was totally fine with me leaving my job but after two years at home a lot of arguments ensued; he was quite critical of me not seemingly having any means to go back to work. We waited for my graduation but, as the OP, the degree was done only because I was interested in it and now I have a job that has nothing to do with the degree at all.

is that you don't seem to have any plans to return to work in anything other than the most part-time basis, but to do a degree in something you're fairly clear you won't be able to work in.

Agree with this as well.
And OP, don't know your financial situation but it seems like you could claim benefits. Full time study affects your benefits so before enrolling in a degree, please get a lot of information. Also, firsthand experience, having 15k as a student loan is no joke, it's a very big amount of money.

Just be careful, OP.

You're leaving yourself in a very vulnerable position.

Do you own your home? Is your name on the deeds?

I know that lots of posters have come on to say they've done it. But they all seem to reference dh instead of dp.

That makes a difference.

Just another thought from your latest post. You don't need to do a FT or even PT degree to make yourself happy through study. You're interested in history, fab. Learn about history. But do you need the expense and extra pressure of a degree course (essay deadlines, dissertation, exams) to make yourself happy? I worry you will swap the sort of stress you get paid for for the sort you have to pay for. That's ok if you thrive on the stress or it's a means to an end (my masters was essentially vocational training, and needed to get a foot into my career) but I'm wondering if it's worth writing yourself off career-wise and spending £££ for?

It sounds like a bit of a knee-jerk reaction - pick something you fancy that sounds a million miles from your current job, it's got to make me happy! But once you've recovered from your current state of exhaustion, nothing is stopping you learning about history on your own time. Why not pick a route that's compatible with a job? Maybe do some training for a new career, and learn about history alongside as a hobby.

We all have things we enjoy, and by and large they are hobbies rather than things we give up earning for 3 years to do. I get that you are exhausted and you really need a break, but I think there might be a less extreme solution for you than signing up for a degree in a field you have no intention of working in. And by less extreme solution, I mean one that is better for your relationship and leaves you less exposed. You don't need to reject all work because of one bad job. If you do, the person who stands to lose the most is you. But absolutely take a break for now - I bet you sleep for a fortnight in relief!

DP had an awful time at work and a combination of stress and bullying severely affected him, emotionally, physically and mentally, which was taking a massive toll on our relationship.

We took the hard decision (financially) for him to leave his job earlier this year but despite the sacrifice, I have never seen him so happy and relaxed. He has in the past few months started a very much part time job because he needed to get out and socialise, but when he is home he has done a lot of chores I would normally do - yes he does sit and watch films etc but tbf I don't mind, I come home to a clean house and it means that we have more quality time to spend with each other.

So in short, yes it's a big sacrifice, but the gain far outweighs this.

All the best OP 💐

As you are signed off I would take a bit of quiet time to explore your options properly. Your current job sounds bad for you but that doesn't mean all jobs would be bad for you. There may be a balance to be struck where you could do something less stressful that would allow you to keep some independence and avoid becoming too isolated. I see a potential problem with you being at home studying the OU as I could see you becoming quite cut off. Studying by yourself is a solitary thing. If you decide to go down the studying route I would look at full or part time courses in a physical college rather than a virtual one.

A cocklodger is someone in good health who doesn't contribute at all. Doesn't do paid work, childcare or housework. If the OP took a career break to look after her health and to retrain, with her partner's agreement to support her financially during this time, she wouldn't be a "female cocklodger".

Partners support each other FFS. They might decide that a degree isn't the best option for the OP, but if they do, who the F are you to judge?!

Restless

Lets hope none of your children die and you develop cancer a couple of times, then fall ill with stress and because you cant cope...

Should you ever fall in that situation and need a bit of hand holding from some lovely ladies on mumsnet, because they are all you have in a way of motherly figures, I hope you dont get called a cockloadger and made to feel like total shit ontop of everything else your going through.
I hope you wouldnt have to feel that way.

But then I am a decent human being...
Even if I am a cocklodger.

Thank you Emma xx

Just thinking that supporting one another through life's troubles is surely the definition of a good partnership and there in the traditional old marriage vows that were the bedrock of relationships for centuries ... for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health.

Don't let anyone knock you and your DP supporting one another through some of the greatest challenges any of us can face OP

OP
been following, and god know you should get a mental break after all your traumatic experiences. and this job is not helping

I also urge caution, as others have done- you and DP are not married and making yourself financially dependant is a big decision

also to say, him not wanting you to stay home is not necessarily a bad thing. he has also been through a lot, supported a beloved partner though cancer- and lost a child too

I can imagine if that were me, I'd be pretty stressed too! and speaking as a WOHM that support a SAHD- its hard! you feel a lot of pressure.

take some time, rest, heal and be very proactive about looking after yourself

and make no major decisions just yet XX

Well actually OP, I have had a child die. So there's no point hoping that doesn't happen you're too fucking late.

I do however feel that if your partner isn't supportive then this would be a very selfish decision to make. Since I wrote my post I see he has changed his mind. Good for you. Enjoy.

You would have thought a shared experience would make you more empathetic and less likely to accuse someone of being a cocklodger... but no

Ahem
Bit of peace and love please

Interesting debate. How would you all feel of your DH came home one night and said that they were giving up work with immediate effect?

dillyduck that is the exact point I was trying to make. But then I was reported.

If my husband had survived cancer twice, have birth to a still born child and was struggling at work due to anxiety and other health problems and i was in a position to financially support both of us of course i would ! And quite frankly anyone who wouldn't shouldn't be in a partnership.

I'm a SAHM so I know your post wasn't directed at me but I just wanted to say if you can afford to take a break from a career that is making you miserable then do it. I don't think that any extra money or holiday is worth risking your health for. What I would say is don't rush into a degree or anything until you know what you want to do for sure. Just spend some time getting over everything you've been through. I'd be tempted to maybe take up yoga or something that would help with stress and make you feel great about yourself. Life is too short to be miserable. If you wanted to volunteer then places like refuge and women's shelters are sometimes looking for help. You really have to focus on making yourself feel happy and healthy. Hope everything goes well for you

dilly and restless, if my partner was coming back home and telling me they wanted to stop working, I would say 'Yes Of Course!'

Because I would have known that they have some MH problem, I would have known that HCP are telling her carrying on working isn't good for her. I would have known how unwell my partner was.
I'll repeat it again: To be able to satisfy the PIP criteria, you need to be REALLY unwell, not the 'I'm feeling a bit anxious atm' type of situation

So actually
1- it wouldn't have come as a surprise
2- I would try and support them the best I can.

I can totally see where posters who are urging the OP to be careful are coming from. Stopping work will put the Op in a less secure position. After all, who knows, maybe her DP is a twat and is only dreaming of running away.

The issue here isn't the loss of a child, or having had cancer TWICE or whatever. And other people who have been in that place and who are 'fine' and able to work.
The issue is that the OP is ill. That is it. Ill enough for the PIP. Ill enough for people to advise her to stop working. That in itself should be a reason good enough to do so. At least to be able to recover and then be able to move on.

user may I say something re your plan to do a history degree etc?
Having been a SAHM and being ill, I think that when you are really down/exhausted etc... You don't always look at things the same way than you do when you feeling better/well. What I aspire when I am really unwell has nothing to do with what I aspire when I start to feel better.
So I would really advise you to stop work and THEN make plans as to what you will do work/training wise. You will be able to get a better picture of what you really want, what you feel you can do, what will work best for you and for you two as a couple.
I agree that, on a longer term PoV, there is a need to address the financial side of things and how/who will take the responsibility for bringing some money into the pot. I believe this responsibility should be shared as much as possible. At the very least for your own financial security (I say that as someone who is married and nearly got divorced when I was unwell. This is the worse position to be in. Struggling to be able to work in any shape or form but at the same time having to support yourself on your own). But also because it is important that that sort of decisions should be a shared decision rather than one imposed on the other (or felt like it is iyswim).

Just came on to say I totally agree with Witchwoohoo.

user147 You've been through so much - it sounds like you're burnt out. I'd just really concentrate on getting better